Beginning to deeply regret having my baby

[emnoneya]

I am beginning to regret having my baby. She's 10 weeks old and I feel like I have completely ruined my life. It was perfect before, we had both salaries coming in so we had a good amount of money each month which meant we could do whatever we wanted. We went on holiday together every year. We went out together every weekend and it was stress free. I had my freedom. I had my independence. I wasn't worried if my child was going to start crying in her pram while out and about. I had time to myself. I loved my alone time - why did I do this to myself?
I was so sure I wanted a baby. I had a great pregnancy and I was SO happy and excited the whole time. But it's so different to what I imagined. I thought I would enjoy taking care of her and cuddling her when she's upset. I thought I'd have a great bond with her. I think I love her but it's so hard sometimes I don't know if I do. She's not even a difficult baby, she cries and gets irritable through the day but she's sleeping at night, 11pm - 4/5am and then back down until around 7am so I can't even blame it on sleep deprivation.
I have zero patience for her crying and irritability. I just want to be left alone to do my own thing and do what I want to do. I find it so relentless and I don't know what to do with her all day to keep her entertained and stop her from getting irritable.
I am too selfish and lazy to take care of a child, I don't know why I ever thought it would be a good idea.
My partner takes care of her amazingly, he has so much patience for her when she won't nap or if she is having a hard time in the day and he can spend hours trying to settle her without getting frustrated.
I just can't believe I've done this to myself and I wish I knew 12 months ago what I know now because I would never have started trying for a baby.
We do have family who come and take care of her every now and then to give us some time out but I feel like I don't fully enjoy it because I know I've got to go back to her eventually.
I am desperate to enjoy being a family of 3 but I'm not, the last two months have been hell.
I have never hated myself more than I do now for bringing this innocent little girl into the world and having a mother that can't be bothered to look after her half the time.

@emnoneya honestly I couldn’t imagine ever enjoying it either. That was part of the reason I felt so awful, because I truly felt like I had ruined my life by giving myself a 24/7 job I hated. I was going through cancer treatment as well from when she was 16 weeks old and I had so much grief for my old life, I couldn’t even look at photos from before she was born because I wanted a time machine so badly. I kept waiting for the magic milestones where people say it gets better (12 weeks/smiling/6months being common ones) and for me it wasn’t like that. It was a gradual thing, coupled with her going to nursery and me having more freedom.

This weekend we had a bbq with friends and I was sat there with a pimms while she toddled about babbling to herself, splashing in the paddling pool with the dogs and waving at everyone. She didn’t need me, she wasn’t attached to me, I wasn’t wondering about milk or sleep or screaming for totally unknown reasons, she ate the same food we did and wandered off again to look at the grass in the pool 😂 and I thought to myself “this is actually lovely. I don’t miss my old life right now because I’m doing the same thing I would have done before but there’s a funny little person here enjoying it with me” ❤️

I could have written this myself. I found the first 6 months incredibly hard, cried nearly everyday and felt angry and frustrated (mostly with myself) a lot of the time. I found venting the anger helped, screaming into a pillow just to get it out. I’d also say that it does get easier and genuinely enjoyable, daughter is 16 months now and whilst it’s not always easy (and I’m not as patient as I’d always like to be) she is a joy. Going back to work and having a routine really helped me, if I had another I’d go back to work at 6 months tbh.
I never sought help for how I was feeling but please do try to speak to a Gp, at least speak to your partner, he’ll want to help you. Hang in there OP, it really does get better.

Babies are horrible. I’m not a natural mother and I hated it. My hamster was more interesting than my baby. I struggled through till about age 3 when he became a person with his own opinions and personality, and that was a lot more bearable. At 4 he started school and we could have proper conversations, and he could do a lot of stuff himself like using the loo or putting his shoes on. From then on parenthood was ok. I did decide not to have another though, because it was too much of a burden.

Don’t listen to the people who love kids telling you it’ll be fine, you’ll get over it, you’ll want more. You might not, and that’s ok. But I can promise you that even if you hate it, it won’t last forever.

Hang in there. You may be the best mother ever to a difficult toddler or troubled teenager: not everyone suits or finds easy all stages of motherhood.

Small babies are very hard! Hang in there.

I find it odd though that you have decided not to go back to work when you feel this way. I found going back (part-time, at six months) incredibly helpful as I found maternity leave so hard. My childminder was a godsend.

Please speak to your health visitor. I know they get a bad rep on here but this is honestly exactly what they are here for.

I found the 2-3 months stage particularly hard. The excitement of having a new baby has passed, and the lack of sleep is really building up. I remember saying to my mum I wasn't sure I loved my baby, I was just going through the motions and doing what I knew I had to so. But things really did improve up over the following months.

Do ask for help, speak to your health visitor or GP, confide in family and friends. Lots of people will understand what you're going through.

There can be a number of reasons. Peer pressure from others who are dedicating themselves to motherhood. Cultural pressure to put motherhood ahead of your own desire to have some time away. Pressure from parents and older generations who believe babies should be looked after by their mothers not put in care. Pressure from your partner who thinks kids are a woman’s job and won’t help out so you can work. Guilt because your own mother dedicated herself to looking after you so you feel like you have to do the same for your kids. Lack of ability to earn enough to cover the cost of childcare.

I didn’t go back to work for all of these reasons. My DS is 5 and I’m still facing immense pressure, especially from my mother who thinks I’m selfish and wrong to get a job. She thinks I should have more babies, my poor husband only has one child because of my selfishness, she’s ashamed of me and feels ashamed to face DH’s parents because she didn’t produce a daughter who is a good wife. DH is happy for me to work but only if it doesn’t put any additional burden on him, so basically I can only work when it fits around me doing all of the laundry and cooking and sick days etc.

I’m not cut out for motherhood and I have no doubt that my mental health would have been loads better if I’d been able to work. But external circumstances prevented it. It’s not that I “decided not to go back to work”.

I remember the anxiety of a baby that might start crying at any moment whenever you leave the house, it was so stressful and I felt really down comparing myself to others who seemed to just be carrying on as normal with their babies whilst managing to do a quick food shop without having to abandon it to feed a hysterical baby was an achievement. I was so nervous about a weekend away we had booked when my baby was 13 weeks. But for us, from about 12 weeks things started to get easier, she was more settled and it was easier to get out and about and that's just continued as time has gone on - now at 5 months, I genuinely feel really confident taking her out and about wherever which I couldn't have imagined back then! This is despite her going through long periods of hating the pram. I would 100% get a sling/ carrier if you haven't already - it might make a difference or at least make you feel more confident if you have it as a back up option when you're out with the pram.

Also, please please please call your GP today to let them know how your feeling. I also have been going through PND after a traumatic birth and pregnancy and bereavement and it took me a while to realise. My GP was fantastic, I'm doing CBT and a mental health focused baby group and I'm feeling so much better already, even just reaching out took a weight off my mind. You won't be judged and as a new mum you'll be taken really seriously. Please don't suffer unnecessarily. Sending you lots of strength and good wishes

I am really sorry that this was your experience in this century. That’s terrible that your mother places that kind of pressure on your and that your DH thinks the house should fit around your job not his. I hope you do manage to go back to work and don’t listen to the pressure.

I guess I just found it interesting that the OP is already against childcare despite feeling this way. For me it was really helpful for my mental health to have adult time away even though I loved my baby. Good childcare is obviously key to that and my search for that was obsessive and wracked with guilt. But I am glad I did it as I am also not cut out for the practicalities of motherhood (even though I do a good job of pretending to be) and wanted and love my children.

I’m really starting to regret having a DS.
please be kind.. he’s BF tongue tied and I feel he’s never satisfied with his food.
been told how lucky I am he sleeps from 7;30-5am but he only cat naps during the day 2 x 30 mins which means he’s overtired and overstimulated in the evenings are the worst, I can’t leave him as he screams the house down and just wants to cluster feed. It’s making me feel anxious as I’m constantly fighting him fighting sleep, like I try rocking, shushing, putting down, picking up nothing helps him nap during the day.
husband doesn’t get it, told him how I’m feeling and he just says ‘go back to work’ or ‘you’ve got PND’..but I think just because I’m struggling doesn’t mean I’m depressed.
We had a massive blow out argument because I said I’m not sure if I even wanted a child, and he just went silent and walked off - so I got angry and said I wanted a divorce and I want to leave them both because I’m so unhappy.
Please be kind I’m not a bad person. I’m burnt out- I do all the housework and baby stuff and he helps sometimes with cooking or trying to settle baby but it’s not enough I’m exhausted.
I do have some guilty feelings, I miss baby when I’m away from him but I’m starting to resent him when he’s screaming for hours and won’t settle to sleep :( the sound is so overwhelming

How old is your DS @Theicingonthecake?
I would find seek advice for la leche league or a breastfeeding cafe near you if you want to, or try a bottle of formula if it's having such a massive impact on your mental health - having done a bit of everything with my first son, suffering horrifically and feelings so much guilt and self hate I would say breastfeeding is not worth those feelings - you could combi feed or do whatever suits you.
It's hard for your husband to understand, but he does need to step up. Have you any other support around you? X

@emnoneya how are you doing OP?
I'm hoping things have got easier for you x

Thank you,
11 weeks I have toyed with the idea of not BF because i recognise the impact it’s having but then I feel I don’t want to be constantly washing and cleaning bottles and I’d feel guilty re quiting. But maybe it’s time to admit it’s just not working for me- and him too he’s so distressed he sobs actual tears it’s so sad.
Got my mum and family and they do take him, husband just thinks he’s ‘doing everything’ but it’s surface level I literally keep the house going and he doesn’t see all the extra little bits I do on a daily basis! The house would be a tip if I didn’t clean it.

You had a traumatic birth and your baby is only ten weeks old. You won't feel like this long term. Newborns are high needs even if they sleep pretty well... having them need you so much can be an enormous psychological weight. But their physical dependency on you lessens as they grow. You also get more used to how your life has changes and learn to adapt and how to kind of find yourself again. It does sound like maybe you have a touch of pnd. Don't be afraid to bring this up and talk about it openly. Don't suffer in silence. Being a first time mother to a newborn is very hard.. and altho some women take to it immediately many others really struggle. You are not alone in how you feel and if you talk to your doctor or health visitor they will not judge you at all. It's better to talk about how you feel and get ideas of what might help.
But overall it takes time. 10 weeks is hardly any time at all to recover from trauma and adjust to your new life as a mum. Be kind to yourself, things do get easier. Reach out for support from your gp or health visitor, don't be ashamed. It's best to tackle the bonding issues caused by the traumatic birth now. I went thru similar with my son but I was in denial or didn't really understand that there was a problem.. just thought I was a shit mum and needed to try harder. Having a traumatic birth can really cause issues and cause pnd. I'm pregnant with my 3rd now and love being a mother. But the first months of my sons life I was thinking wtf have I done, o honestly wanted to die every day I was so miserable.. I thought it was just because I was a selfish shit mother but I was ill... and also very traumatised from a very long labour where many things went wrong. I felt like a shell of myself.

Send your husband first thing to buy a pack of bottles and some ready made formula. Try one bottle. See if it makes a difference for you. If you decide that's the route you want to take, I promise, you won't be always washing and sterilising bottles, you will quickly get in to a routine.
You will get through this, motherhood is really really bloody hard. So so hard and so lonely and so isolating, I used to survive hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute.
Please reach out for support, go to baby groups if you can (HV should be able to recommend some local ones!), just for some adult conversation and a hot cup of tea.
You can do this!!

Try a baby carrier. My first hated the pram and pushchair and i wore her exclusively until 14 months, when she was then happy to go in a little trike pushchair and at 20 months a proper pushchair. In the sling, super happy, chilled, no tears, slept soundly. Cafe, meals out, shopping, town, walks - so much freedom for me!

Second baby, now 6 months. She had horrendous colic and basically lived in the carrier 85% of my waking moments from 6 weeks until 4.5 months. After that carrier for every nap & bunch of walks (tho has been OK in the supermarkets trolley from 2 months & pushchair facing me from 5 months (tho I often wear her if toddler is with us)

I did much better mentally when baby first outgrew her colic, but also when she learned to play with toys, setup, and generally engage with me and the world around her. Giggling is a huge milestone thar makes a difference too. You'll get there

I know this is an old thread, but can I ask how you are feeling now? I feel like I could write this word for word with how I am feeling with my 8 week old.

Hey @RosiebunSorry to hear you’re feeling similar. Please speak up to your health visitor. It really is more common than you might think and you deserve support. It will get better. You are very early days at the moment with you and baby trying to get used to each other and constantly changing stages of development etc all happening. I promise it really does get better in time.

@RosiebunI do agree with making an appointment with your HV and this is definitely more common than you think.

@Rosiebun did your feelings ease at all? I am also identical to this right now. I am thinking of contacting the GP this week but I am someone who doesnt like to talk and open up, so I am terrified. I feel incredible guilt and that I am letting my little girl down.

Hey, can't speak for that poster but I felt exactly the same, and my feelings did eventually ease (though not entirely til I returned to work). My son is now 7 and he is the apple of my eye and I cant imagine life without him! This is a tiny phase I promise... but do speak up and get help. I wish I didn't!

You should start your own thread as people will keep replying to the OP.

Personally, I felt exactly the same for a while. It's a real shock having a baby. They do get easier and you get more used to your new life, but it takes time.

Mine is 15 months and it's genuinely getting so much easier and my son is super cute and great company. But my life will never be the same, so you need to adjust to that thought now.

Hey, it did settle and I feel a lot better now, but I did speak to the GP and was put on antidepressants. I don’t think it’s something you can get through on your own

Sorry you are struggling.10 weeks is very early, it's such a huge adjustment having a baby. Babies do get easier and give more back as well and you will adjust. You're experiencing an enormous change to your life. I think the shock is even more shocking perhaps because you had a good pregnancy! Wouldn't wish a bad pregnancy in anyone, but my pregnancy was so bad that postpartum in comparison was almost a relief for me (in some ways).

Perhaps see if you can access some counselling to help you process this huge change in your life?

It is not easy what you are experiencing but it is very normal. Just because it's normal doesn't mean you don't deserve help and support but just want to reassure you that it's common what you are experiencing and you aren't alone, even if you feel that you are.