Beginning to deeply regret having my baby

[emnoneya]

I am beginning to regret having my baby. She's 10 weeks old and I feel like I have completely ruined my life. It was perfect before, we had both salaries coming in so we had a good amount of money each month which meant we could do whatever we wanted. We went on holiday together every year. We went out together every weekend and it was stress free. I had my freedom. I had my independence. I wasn't worried if my child was going to start crying in her pram while out and about. I had time to myself. I loved my alone time - why did I do this to myself?
I was so sure I wanted a baby. I had a great pregnancy and I was SO happy and excited the whole time. But it's so different to what I imagined. I thought I would enjoy taking care of her and cuddling her when she's upset. I thought I'd have a great bond with her. I think I love her but it's so hard sometimes I don't know if I do. She's not even a difficult baby, she cries and gets irritable through the day but she's sleeping at night, 11pm - 4/5am and then back down until around 7am so I can't even blame it on sleep deprivation.
I have zero patience for her crying and irritability. I just want to be left alone to do my own thing and do what I want to do. I find it so relentless and I don't know what to do with her all day to keep her entertained and stop her from getting irritable.
I am too selfish and lazy to take care of a child, I don't know why I ever thought it would be a good idea.
My partner takes care of her amazingly, he has so much patience for her when she won't nap or if she is having a hard time in the day and he can spend hours trying to settle her without getting frustrated.
I just can't believe I've done this to myself and I wish I knew 12 months ago what I know now because I would never have started trying for a baby.
We do have family who come and take care of her every now and then to give us some time out but I feel like I don't fully enjoy it because I know I've got to go back to her eventually.
I am desperate to enjoy being a family of 3 but I'm not, the last two months have been hell.
I have never hated myself more than I do now for bringing this innocent little girl into the world and having a mother that can't be bothered to look after her half the time.

I felt exactly like this with my dd, now aged 20. I had a very difficult long labour, but more than anything I just felt like I had ruined my life. I can completely relate to everything you’ve written. It was hard; really hard. Everyone kept telling me I had pnd but actually I think it was just the reality of having a baby and I hated it all. What helped me was going back to work full time for my own sanity - I put her in childcare from around 4 months old and went back, it was hard, I lived in London and had to get two buses and a tube just to get to work after dropping her off at childcare but I felt like myself again and I knew she was being cared for. As she got older we built more of a bond and from around 5ish onwards I found parenting much more interesting and enjoyed it and enjoyed her…! She’s now at university and doing really well and we have a lovely bond, of course she doesn’t remember any of the time I struggled!

What can you do to make things better for yourself? Can you go back to work? Do you have someone who will give you a proper break? (Not dh).

You need help sweetheart ❤ you're being an excellent mum to that baby and giving her all she needs. Needing help doesn't make you a bad mum, it makes you human.

You went through a week of no sleep and major surgery to bring your baby into the world safely! You needed rest to recover and instead you had an alarm clock screaming every 2 hours day and night, and rather than looking after you, you both needed to adjust to being parents and put all your effort into keeping this little baby alive.

It was a bomb detonating in your life and it will take time to get used to. You will get there. Your HV and GP can help you.

Babies cry, whether she is crying in the house or outside doesn't matter. Getting out and about does help you so do it. Have you looked for baby groups? Maybe instead of a long trip into town start with some walks around the estate so you know you can go home if needed? It will get better as she gets older and gets more inquisitive and interacts more.

Thanks everyone.
I don't plan on going back to work because the thought of someone other than family taking care of her all day feels like torture and I feel like I'd miss out on her growing up too.
We go to baby sensory once a week which we started last week and it was good. I still worry whether she will be grumpy or not while we're there though.
We've been on many walks around the estate and it got boring so I ventured out into town and I think her crying fit has traumatised me but I need to push myself to do it more. Only thing is I don't deal with hot weather very well at all and it's roasting in the UK at the moment so I don't want to go out!

Oh honey. This sounds very much like post natal depression, I had it after my first baby.
Please speak to your HV or GP and ask them to go through the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Questionnaire with you. It's a really short questionnaire but will give a gauge of where you're at so that you be supported by your doctor as well as by your partner.
There is no shame whatsoever in struggling with these feelings that you're experiencing. I hope you are able to tell from the comments on here that you are not alone and nobody thinks badly of you for how you're feeling.
It does improve I promise, it just takes time and the right support.
You and your baby deserve to have a positive start together. Don't let anything take that away from either of you.

It’s difficult. Your crying about wanting your old life back. Crying again about crying about having your old life back. It is normal. In our mum group I don’t think there’s a single person who didn’t go through something - whether that was crying about their old body, crying about their old life, crying about their baby, crying about crying. It could be PND, it could be ptsd, it could be nothing. 10 weeks is such early days.

Even now sometimes I think I can’t do this (1yr). That I am lazy or not a good mum or that there’s something wrong with me psychically or mentally because I have no energy. And then in the same day I am sitting on a train with a sketchy lone man walking suspiciously up and down with no purpose and I am plotting how best to sacrifice myself and/ or murder him with my bare hands if he dare to come after my baby. (Not psychotic just slightly traumatised by recent France events!). So I know I am a good mum. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to give yourself time, explore options for support if you think you need it and allow yourself to heal.

Oh and get a dummy! 💯 🤣

I love it when Mumsnet is kind and supportive and compassionate like this. It helps to make up for the times when it can be so snarky and nasty! There are so many lovely posts here. I really hope they bring you some comfort OP, and I hope things start to feel a bit easier for you soon. Try to be kind to yourself, if that’s not too cliche.

My daughter is also 10 weeks old and it’s like you have completely written down exactly how I was feeling up until a couple of weeks ago - scarily so! For me things have suddenly shifted and I can see light at the end of the tunnel and actually enjoy being with her now. I hope this happens for you too, it’s a horrible shock having a tiny baby to look after however prepared you might be. If you don’t feel better though, do seek help - don’t suffer alone.

It gets better!!

I totally understand the guilt - I think it helps if you admit to yourself that you hate this lifestye- and that's ok it's a big change and you've lost control, just because your baby is easier than some doenst mean it's not hard- but still love your daughter. You're not a bad mum if you don't enjoy being constantly woke up and having someone crying at you and needing to be fed.

I would discuss your feelings with the health visitor or a children's centre worker so they can help

You should access a children's centre if you have one on your area

I found I needed a plan everyday. We did baby sensory, play group, food shop, visit grandparents, see friends. I did one each day so there was always something to do. I felt better for getting out and being around people

Oh OP, I’ve been where you are. My first (and second) child was a screamer and hated the pram. I still remember the first time I tried to go shopping at a few months old and she just screamed so I ended up crying in the car, regretting everything and thinking I’d ruined my life. I felt like I was taking care of someone else’s (really difficult) baby and it was so hard but then one day I was sitting holding her and I realised that I loved her more than life itself. It’s really tough when you feel like this but it will get better and easier I promise. Do go and speak to your HV or GP, you don’t have to suffer in silence.

I felt really trapped after having my baby. It was such a shock to the system and I kept asking people why did nobody tell me what it was like. I felt really anxious and felt like running away every time he cried.

Nobody tells you but the baby stage sucks for a lot of people! I absolutely hated it, and like you thought I'd made a terrible mistake! Things improved hugely once my son developed a personality, I got treated for PND, and my baby was treated for reflux. Please talk to your doctor, you won't always feel like this.

I felt exactly this way! It was awful and I never spoke to anybody about it. It was so lonely. I remember reading on here at the time that it gets better and that it is a phase. There was a huge amount of lovely support but I just couldn't imagine things improving.

My son is nearly 3 now and for a very long time has been the best thing I've ever done! I would do anything for him and I worship the ground he walks on.

I promise you it will get better. Turns out I am not a fan of little babies but I absolutely adore toddlers! They're much more fun. You will both be ok in the end.

I had PND with my second child. No issues at home and extended maternity leave available. I did give her a dummy due to the crying. She is now nearly twenty and her teeth are fine! Her crying was caused by eczema which she still has. Babies cry so don't be embarrassed. I had a very collicky first child too. It passes. Do get out and about. Have you any NCT clubs nearby?
FWIW I am better with teenagers. Babies are not my thing. I loved the primary school years and my DC are very interesting as adults. Go back to work three days a week if it would help. X

OP, just because you planned beforehand to be a SAHM doesn't mean you have to stick to that decision. For some of us, going back to work meant remembering that we do have an identity outside being a mum and that's nothing to feel guilty about. Would part time be an option for you? That can be a really good compromise. No need to decide yet, but maybe keep your mind open to the possibility.

As others have said, getting out and about is important. As she gets older, she will become more interactive in classes. No one minds if she cries a bit! Also, baby groups are a chance for you to chat to other mums, which is just as important as the benefit to your DD.

Hang in there OP. It will get better!

Honestly I still struggle with my 5 Yr old. It helps to go to work and split the day into chunks.

God that stage is just awful, awful. Especially the first time when you've basically taken a bomb to your life and don't recognise it any more.

Speak to your GP.

It will get easier.

Plans helped me, I liked having maybe three days with plans during the week (classes or meeting a friend) to keep me going. Don't worry about the baby crying, everyone's baby cries at those things.

Don't fully rule out work just yet, going back was when I got a little bit of me back and much as it's hectic I wouldn't change it.

You'll get there, but speak to your GP.

Lots of love to you OP, I felt very like you do, and in hindsight I think I had some postnatal mental health issues post difficult birth. I felt guilty that the only time I enjoyed my life was when he was asleep aka when he needed nothing and it was basically as though he wasn’t there.

You’ve not found the joy yet but it’ll come. Please see your GP in the meantime. It might be just the adjustment but it also might not.

Don’t discount going back to work eventually, I had 14 months off and it was far too long. Getting back to work was like getting myself back and to this day I love work in a way I definitely did not before. It gives me something for me.

I felt the same way OP. I had a great career and my DH and I had a vibrant and exciting work and social life before DC. I completely lost myself when I had the babies.

It's hard now but it changes when they can walk and talk and engage with you! I think some of us just don't enjoy the baby stage at all. It's ok to feel this way and to need support through it. Reach out for help from your partner and anyone else who offers

Thank you all. It is encouraging reading all of your messages but I am really struggling to see how it's going to get better at the moment. I can imagine it does get better once they have a bit more independence but I'm concerned I'm always not going to enjoy looking after her.

I really hope I start to enjoy it sooner rather than later because I'm not sure how long I can go on like this.

You will enjoy her, we promise! You can't imagine when they are so tiny who and what they will become.

I hated the baby stage. DD is a good baby too. Now she is 10 months I enjoy her so much more! You are made to feel like you should bond instantly and want to comfort and take care of a new born. I had no patience for her crying either.
Now she cries with DH and I'm hovering needing to comfort her. The first 6 months are a hard adjustment. The new born stage is not for everyone you need to go easier on yourself.
I joke that if they came out like a 10 month old I'd have 6 kids but I'm never having another after experiencing months 1-6.
There will be an age you enjoy it just sounds like newborn is not your thing.
Hang in there, it gets better!

You at a good mum . You gave pnd - get some help x