Beginning to deeply regret having my baby

[emnoneya]

I am beginning to regret having my baby. She's 10 weeks old and I feel like I have completely ruined my life. It was perfect before, we had both salaries coming in so we had a good amount of money each month which meant we could do whatever we wanted. We went on holiday together every year. We went out together every weekend and it was stress free. I had my freedom. I had my independence. I wasn't worried if my child was going to start crying in her pram while out and about. I had time to myself. I loved my alone time - why did I do this to myself?
I was so sure I wanted a baby. I had a great pregnancy and I was SO happy and excited the whole time. But it's so different to what I imagined. I thought I would enjoy taking care of her and cuddling her when she's upset. I thought I'd have a great bond with her. I think I love her but it's so hard sometimes I don't know if I do. She's not even a difficult baby, she cries and gets irritable through the day but she's sleeping at night, 11pm - 4/5am and then back down until around 7am so I can't even blame it on sleep deprivation.
I have zero patience for her crying and irritability. I just want to be left alone to do my own thing and do what I want to do. I find it so relentless and I don't know what to do with her all day to keep her entertained and stop her from getting irritable.
I am too selfish and lazy to take care of a child, I don't know why I ever thought it would be a good idea.
My partner takes care of her amazingly, he has so much patience for her when she won't nap or if she is having a hard time in the day and he can spend hours trying to settle her without getting frustrated.
I just can't believe I've done this to myself and I wish I knew 12 months ago what I know now because I would never have started trying for a baby.
We do have family who come and take care of her every now and then to give us some time out but I feel like I don't fully enjoy it because I know I've got to go back to her eventually.
I am desperate to enjoy being a family of 3 but I'm not, the last two months have been hell.
I have never hated myself more than I do now for bringing this innocent little girl into the world and having a mother that can't be bothered to look after her half the time.

Oh OP I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, having a baby is such a big change and your hormones also don’t help it’s a huge adjustment. Have you spoken to your partner or your HV or GP about how you feel? It sounds like you may be suffering from post natal depression and so would be worth speaking to them about how you are feeling x

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. It is actually very very normal to feel like this (I did) but it feels awful at the time. It does get better.

Did you have a traumatic birth? If so that might be a factor. Have you talked to your partner about how you’re feeling - sharing is always good. Also please talk to your GP or health visitor to rule out any depression.

I found the adjustment very hard, but once I’d accepted I could never guarantee having a break ( mine was a terrible sleeper) I sort of made a mental adjustment and accepted things as they were. It also gets better when they are a bit more interactive and you get something back!!

Hang on mama. You will feel better and will appreciate it more and it won’t always be this consuming. But do please share how you’re feeling with people in your life

Oh I'm so sorry, sounds like you're struggling with postnatal depression. Please seek support, it WILL get better with support I promise and you will feel so much happier.

Please don't worry OP. Having a baby is the most awful shock. Most mothers don't enjoy the first 6 months. You are in the very worst bit and it will get easier. I longed to have a baby and then was a bit appalled by the reality but it all came good and now she's nearly 7 and the love of my life.

Definitely see your GP to check for post natal depression and iron levels etc.

It will all come good

OP, literally 2 weeks ago, I could have wrote this. My baby is 6 months now and everything is slotting into place. My DH even commented just today that I hadn't cried in about a week! Ha! It's so so hard and the constant guilt and doubt is horrific. But for me, I think realising its not what you imagined it would be and feeling empowered to admit that has been a turning point. I had IVF to have my little boy and have countless friends who have failed attempt after failed attempt which just made me feel worse that I had got lucky and I wasn't enjoying it. The only thing I can say is keep getting out and about, even if baby cries, and try and go to some support groups. They have been my saviour and I've met some good friends who are up to the same point in life. You will be OK x

The birth was not good. I was in labour for 6 days, waters broken, hormone drip and I couldn't dilate past 5cm so had emergency c section.
I have spoken to DP about how I'm feeling but it was back at the start, then I thought it had gone away cos I started to feel better now it all seems to have come back again ever since I took her into town on my own last week for the first time and she just screamed in the pram the whole time. Now I don't want to bring it up again because he loves her so much and I don't want to bring him down.

That sounds very traumatic OP. Please get some support from GP and tell your partner. You need and deserve to be cared for and supported.

Please speak to your HV OP. It’s so tough having a baby, but esp after a traumatic labour. You should like you may need some support and once that’s in place you may feel differently but sleep deprivation is real. Seek some help and see if it changes how you feel x

if you read through the parenting group on MN you’ll see hundreds of posts like this. You are very much not alone feeling like this - do talk to your HV about PND.

Being a mum to a newborn is hard. Sometimes it’s exceptionally hard. Some babies are very difficult: grumpy, screamy, wakeful, vomity, endlessly hungry, bad at latching, tongue-tied, colicky, jaundiced, lactose intolerant, windy, refluxy, can’t be put down, don’t like the pram/car, hate the bath .. What did I miss? Loads I’m sure. There’s the odd one that just coos and smiles and makes all the other babies look bad.

And (not surprisingly!?) the bond between mum and baby can take time - it’s not always a magical, instantaneous feeling. So please don’t beat yourself up about that.

I just said good night to my precious 12.5 year old dd, and I can tell you despite a very rough start, every moment of my life for the past 12years has been better for having her in it. First six months were hellish but she’s utterly forgiven.

hang in there, new mum. In 12 years you’ll be answering someone’s post saying just what I’m saying today.

Looking after a newborn babies is the hardest most relentless job. I have an 11 wk old, my second baby, and I feel you!! And yes, your life is now completely different. Right now it might feel like life is worse and you made a mistake. It won’t always feel that way, you will create some fabulous new memories with your baby as they grow. But you must accept that your life is, and will be, different from now on. It sounds like you and your partner had a great time together before baby came, and thank goodness for that!! It’s only because of what life was like that you’re mourning it. You’ve had it good, it will be good again.
My best advice is get baby into a bedtime routine now - bath, feed, bed for 7/8pm. That way you get your evening back. My 11 wk old is going down at 7/8pm and sleeping a solid chunk so my husband and I can have a bit of an evening. It feels good to have a glass of wine/ watch tv/ have a chat or just get on top of the washing lol!
Also, please go to see your GP and chat about how you’re feeling.
Sending love

Without sounding utterly patronising, well done for writing that down and seeking support.
I think it is so normal to mourn your old life when you have a baby, but because we are conditioned to think it should all be magical we beat ourselves up for feeling this way and can quickly start spiralling.
I too had a great sleeper but was absolutely floored and it seemed to be relentless. I too compared myself to DH and his ability to deal with it all with ease.
But remember they haven't been through birth, hormonal changes and a massive lifestyle change of being on mat leave.
I went to the GP and it did turn out to be post natal anxiety, which with hindsight was connected to a difficult birth. But I think I'd always suffered with anxiety I just hadn't realised and could manage it pre baby. I just didn't have the time or heads pace to manage it well after the baby.
As others have said you will get to a stage where it all feels much more manageable and slowly but surely the light will come through and you will find joy.
Go easy on yourself x

Hormone dip shortly afte birth is normal but it shouldn't be prolonged. Definitely go gp or see hv and be honest. Parenting is a massive adjustment and they give very little back in the early days. It does get easier. Be honest with your partner about how you feel too.

Oh OP, I can empathise so much. DS arriving was like a bomb going off in my life and it took a good wee while to put it all back together again. I didn’t realise until I had a baby how much I enjoy my own time and space and how much I like order in my life, which a newborn entirely stripped away. Selfishly, I don’t feel like what I gained from him really outweighed what I had lost for a while to be honest - I think you either like the tiny baby stage or you don’t. He’s a toddler now, I’m back at work, life is generally good and I’m so so glad he’s here. Hang in there, as they get bigger, more interactive and less unpredictable it honestly does get easier. Fussy newborns really are difficult, even ones that sleep.

Sorry you're feeling this way. The baby years aren't for everyone. Some people love it, some people prefer the teen years or the primary school years. There's no shame at all in admitting being a parent isn't right for you.

What plans did you have for returning to work? Are you on a list for a nursery place and what is the youngest age they would take? Is there any possibility of starting nursery earlier?

In the meantime, you should be able to see your GP or HV for support.

This was me as well. I had an easy pregnancy, a wonderful birth and then a dramatic turn post-birth that left me in shock. Parenting a new born is extremely tough and no-one, and I mean no-one, ever tells you how hard it is. I remember standing and looking at my beautiful DS1 lying in his crib and just sobbing. Like one of the posters above I just learned to accept that life was never going to be the same again & learnt to take things one day at a time. It gradually became easier. My gorgeous DS1 is now 13 and I wouldn’t be without him. Please be kind to yourself, ask for help. Tell someone how you are feeling. It will get easier, I promise you.

I had a horrible emergency Caesarian, followed by a post operation infection and going back into maternity for treatment. I couldn’t have my baby with me and felt as though a weight was sitting on my shoulders, pushing me down.

For the first few months I thought what the hell have I done. My daughter was poorly with a cough, she was 5 months old so I took her to the Drs, I broke down in tears, I couldn’t cope. The Dr was lovely and arranged some counselling for me, it worked wonders. Don’t give up, it is so bloody hard especially after a traumatic birth, my milk also never came in, so that made me feel like another failure, 40DD tits and not one drop!

You will get there and you will enjoy it, I didn’t bond until she was one, now she’s 27 and you wouldn’t believe the bond we have, don’t give up 😊

OP I could have written this myself. Word for word. I didn’t have PND, I just hated looking after a baby and desperately missed my old life. I used to pace the streets with DD in a sling (she vomited…alll the time, couldn’t lie her flat) crying my eyes out wondering why I had taken a life that I enjoyed, holidays, nights out, disposable income, freedom and thrown it all away. DH didn’t seem to feel the same so that made me feel guilty as well. Couldn’t bf either so that made me feel worse, like I couldn’t even do the basic task of feeding her 🤦🏼‍♀️ I felt so bloody trapped and angry.

She’s almost 14 months now and I know now that it was because I’m just not a baby person. I can’t have any more children anyway but I don’t mind as I couldn’t do that tiny baby stage again, I absolutely hated it. You will find yourself again. This weekend we had so much fun, yes it’s still harder work than my old life but my god it’s easier when they have a little personality, hug you back, enjoy stuff, no endless bloody sterilising bottles and worrying about milk and shit sleep at night and being constantly covered in spit up and all the other baby crap you no longer have to do. I’d take tantrums any day of the week over that newborn baby bit.

Have you been doing lots of skin to skin with her? The only "entertainment" she'll need is being around you and your heartbeat, in a sling or in your arms as you talk to her and let her study your face and her environment. She's in the fourth trimester and many babies have absolutely no desire to be apart from their safe place (you). It's a very Western modern notion this pram business and it comes from the industrial revolution and the idea we need to raise an independent future workforce by forcing them to be separate from us as babies. We are carry mammals like monkeys. We're supposed to be attached to these little babies so they feel safe and we can bond with them.

Lower your expectations of yourself and your baby. Seek support as others have suggested. She's here now and she needs you to learn how to settle her, meet her needs and provide safety and emotional containment. It's absolutely ok to need professional input to do this.

Firstly you had a very traumatic birth, this may have affected your bond. May be worth having a word with your GP and see what they suggest.

Secondly some people do find babies boring, it’s not until they get older and develop a personality, do stuff, crawl, talk etc.

Thirdly perhaps you need some ‘you’ time. You have a supportive partner by the sound of it. Could you have a night out, stay overnight, get away for a bit. You may well either absolutely relish the break and return refreshed, or miss your little one (you may not think you will now and it may not happen the first time you leave) and look forward to coming back.

I had a c sec, couldn’t breast feed as no milk and didn’t particularly want to. DD had reflux /colic non stop crying (all investigations done via hospital nothing wrong). I relished the odd night away. Until I didn’t. I got stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway a few miles from home and just wanted my baby back. She was safe and sound with DM but after that I never left her longer than 3 hours (not including work, referring to meals out). Our bond is now incredibly strong. Some things take time, everyone is different and that’s ok. Give yourself time.

Sending hugs.

Ive had 3 children and hand on heart I didn’t really enjoy the baby stage with any of them. Still joke now that I’d have preferred to have stayed pregnant until they could pop out as 2 year olds!

Just reading what you’ve written brings back all the same feelings I had, along with the guilt. Truth is, babies are damn hard work, you have to do literally everything for them and it’s so monotonous and repetitive.

I hardly dared admit it to anyone, but the first year each time felt like something that just had to be suffered through to get to the better times. You get much more ‘back’ from them as they grow and develop. Mine are all primary school aged now and they are completely awesome and wonderful people to spend time with, almost like little friends with wicked senses of humour, we enjoy doing all sorts of things as a family. Deep down I knew there was this part to look forward to, so it was worth gritting my teeth through the baby stages.

I promise things will get better in time OP. Not everyone is a baby person, but you’ll get through it and there will be many, many years for you to enjoy sharing your DDs life and form a close relationship with her.

At 10 weeks I wanted to give my baby girl up for adoption, it was so hard and a shock and my hormones were all over the place, I also had a horrible labour. By 4 months I realised I needed some help and went to Dr, I had PND and PNA(anxiety) and OCD. I cried every day for the first year. The cloud started to lift and things got easier as time went on. I absolutely love her to bits, she's 7 now and I can't imagine my life without her. Please reach out and get some support.

op. I felt EXACTLY the same as you when I had my firstborn. I couldn’t admit it to anyone as I felt it made me an awful person and all the other mothers with babies I knew seemed so happy.
please be kind to yourself. It is a HUGE life change, which mostly women experience as the dads seem mostly to continue with life as it was before and it can feel very lonely. Going out seemed overwhelming as I was embarrassed when the baby cried all the time and felt like everyone was staring at me and judging me. Now I can tell you that anyone looking is probably remembering that stage of newborns and wishing they could give you a hug and a cuppa.
Looking back I probably had pnd but couldnt admit it because it made me feel like a failure. I wish I had got help, and I’d urge you to go to your gp.
It honestly does get easier, and sooner than you’d think. Just take it one day at a time and make sure your other half is giving you plenty of time to yourself. My baby is now an adult and is the best company in the world and I am so, so glad I had her.
Hang on in there.

That was me. Firstly, please feel no shame for feeling the way you do. There is nothing wrong with feeling regret for such a life upheaval. It's seen as a great societal 'taboo' to admit regretting having your own baby, so well done for writing that down. Sooooooo many women have felt, or feel, the way you do. You are not alone. You may or may not have PND, but that does not make your feelings any less legitimate.

Secondly, yes life has changed hugely, and it is a huge shock. I didn't know what hit me. It was like a ton of bricks and not at all what I expected. But it will get easier. You will get used to it. I felt like you, and really struggled not having time for myself and I missed my freedom. But this stage is nor forever. The baby stage really will go in a flash, however long and arduous the days seem now. Are you returning to work? Will your daughter go to nursery? For me, that was a game-changer and I was finally myself again. I should probably have cut my maternity leave short in hindsight.

I actually went on to have a second child when my first was one! So things did get easier for me, to the point that I was willing to go through it all again. The next time was so much better - I was more used to the slow tedious rhythm of looking after a baby, plus my husband was around more, plus I had a v short maternity leave that time round. Now they're 2 and 4, and I adore them and have a lot of my freedom back. Life is good. Very different to life pre-kids, but I'm happy in a way that I couldn't imagine I would ever be following my first child's birth.

Things will get better. Hang in there, and yes, do speak to HV/GP about how you're feeling. I wish I had.

I just wanted to chime in and say you’re not alone. I really struggled with my firstborn and she was good really but I used to get so frustrated when she wouldn’t nap, or would wake up after 20 minutes. She seemed to always be the grumpy one. Hang in there, try and get some support. Things will get easier. You are a good person and a good mum. It is a massive adjustment, and you had a traumatic birth.

I felt exactly like you did when my DD1 was born. I particularly empathise with not being able to enjoy free time as you know you need to get back to her. I also remember hating being with her and feeling prisoner as I knew she needed me so much.

Things get better, you will get some free time again, she will grow, you will love her.

I ended up having two more so I promise you won't always feel like this.