Breastfeeding HAS created a rod for my own back

[Peaplant20]

So I’ve been bf my toddler since birth, she is now 2.

all the bf support groups I went to etc all talked about ignore people saying it creates a rod for your own back it’s not true etc.

I know for a lot of people this is the case. I hear of bf babies who sleep through the night from early on and who easily go to sleep for dad, grandma etc etc. However for us it’s created such problems:

• 2yo and still doesn’t sleep through the night
• no one else can put her to sleep - dad has been trying since January and it stayed off difficult for a week or so and then it was fine, but every time she is ill (often!!!) she just becomes absolutely hysterical within seconds.
• I can’t get her to go to sleep in her own cot - I managed to transition away from bf to sleep to cuddles in the chair but for months it was taking up to an hour (now about 20-30 mins), and then transition her. Tonight she also cried for milk the whole time because she’s got a bit of a cold, and I didn’t give in because I wanted to stay consistent but also because I’d said no at first I didn’t want to confuse her by then giving in. Then I felt awful.

It’s completely put me off breastfeeding again, I think if we’re lucky enough to have baby number 2 I will bf for the first few weeks or months but introduce a bottle as soon as possible and alternative bedtime with dad from day 1.

Anyway wasn’t really looking for advice but just solidarity.

Not the solidarity you're looking for, but just stop breastfeeding her and put her to bed (books, cuddles etc, then down and leave). She'll soon learn that's what the bedtime routine is.

This isn't a breastfeeding created rod, this your parenting style rod.

I just don’t really know how to stop. I feed her back to sleep at night and if I don’t she goes absolutely hysterical like I can’t even explain how upset she gets she will be screaming and crying and she won’t tire herself out and just fall asleep she just works herself up and up and up

Lots of solidarity here. I breastfed DD until about 20 months, I was the only one who would get her to sleep, she woke up about 8 times a night for boob and just wanted boob constantly all day long. I hated it by the end.

@scrantonelectriccity how did you move past it?

This isn't a breastfeeding created rod, this your parenting style rod.

Agreed^^

There is an in between OP. It isn’t all
or nothing. I have a two year old who is breastfed, can be put to bed by someone else and started sleeping through consistently after night weaning at around 20 months.

No advice but solidarity. I feed to sleep for every night wake which is usually numerous times. It’s the only way to get him to sleep quickly and too exhausted in the middle of the night to consistently attempt anything else.

The breastfeeding really isn't the problem here. If you no longer want to breastfeed, just stop. Go cold turkey and it will all be over in a few days. Your daughter will be perfectly fine.

When I'd tried to stop previously she'd scream and scream all night then when she was a bit bigger I told her one night that we'd be having cuddles to sleep instead of boob, repeated it a few times and said milk was all gone but we could have cuddles. For the first night she still woke up constantly and cried a little bit when I said no and then the next night she happily cuddled to sleep and wake ups decreases from 8 times a night to once.

It's not been perfect and she still has to sleep in my bed and be touching me all night

@PinkPlantCase but howwww?

It's just a series of habits that have been created and gone on too long.

It's going to be much harder doing this with a two year old than a one year old.

No matter the hysteria she will tire herself out, even if she is up all night. It might be a traumatic few days for you, but it will be better all round if you literally put her to bed and leave.

The "I need milk" is a red herring. My 5 and 3 year old use all sorts of excuses when they don't want to go to bed including "I'm hungry" when I know perfectly well they are not.

At two years old I suspect there is an element of this. I mean you could probably talk her through what you're going to do, she'll hate it but at least you know you've explained it to her.

@scrantonelectriccity that’s good to know. My LO is 2 but I don’t think this would work with her yet… tonight she was just crying and crying for milk even though I don’t usually feed her to sleep anymore and haven’t since December

@ohdearimessedup i just don’t think I can let her get hysterical for a whole night like is that not really traumatic for a 2 year old?

@Aquamarine1029 but she screams and screams and gets so so hysterical and worked up!

I breast fed both of mine til they where 14 months. I never found it a rod for my own back.
Reasons I believe helped this be the case-
Once they were past a suitable age I stopped using it as a comfort age, I found different tactics. I stopped feeding to sleep as soon as possible, definitely by the time they were being weaned. I made sure that beyond the weaning stage, breast feeding was on my terms. For food and no other reason.
Obviously all babies are different, maybe we were lucky. Many people might not agree with my methods but I have two healthy, well balanced, confident and attached kids. And I never resented a moment of the time I spent feeding them. (Well after the first 8 weeks!! 😆)
I think it’s time to wean her and start creating new sleep and attachment associations.

She'll get over it, op. I assure you. Your best bet is to leave the house for the night and let your husband deal with it.

I had this a bit with my daughter though I stopped breastfeeding at 18 months.until then she had always been fed to sleep. I had to stop putting her to bed and my husband took over rocking her. it took a few days but she calmed down and would eventually fall asleep by rocking instead. he then transitioned to sitting on a rocking chair, then just holding and singing to her, then just holding. they do get there in the end.

Explain it to her, she’s old enough to understand even if she doesn’t like it. We replaced the bedtime feed with a bottle which DS still has, I know they aren’t really meant to have bottles after 1 but it was the only thing close to replacing the cuddle + milk that was breastfeeding.

Then no milk for night wake ups. With lots of explaining in advance and during the night eg. ‘We’ve said goodbye to mummy milk at nighttime but we can have a cuddle now’ … ‘That’s okay you can have some mummy milk in the morning’ or … ‘you’ve all ready had some milk, it was great wasn’t it! You can have some more in the morning. Sleep first then milk.’

There was lots of talking and cuddles when we started night weaning but the wake ups reduced to nothing over a week or two.

We still breastfeed lay down in bed in the mornings, it’s worked well for us because it’s quite a unique circumstance which means if he asks for milk at any other time is easy for him to understand that he only has milk in the morning in mummy’s bed.

The habits have been allowed to continue. Changing the associations will not be easy but it depends how badly you want it to change.
It’s more traumatic for you!
Many will disagree with this approach and that’s fine, it might not be for you. BUT you then to be prepared to continue as you are until she ‘grows out of it’. That might take a while! Choices have consequences. There is not a magic wand. Put in the hard work to make the changes or ride it out.

I'm tandem feeding and my husband can put either of ours to bed or they feed to sleep. Eldest has night weaned themself no issue. So I don't think it's breastfeeding per se that's the issue, otherwise we'd all have rods? When I've wanted to go out, I haven't tried to get my husband to do it with me there as back up. My toddler waved me off and I said goodbye so it was clear I wasn't there for milk. So it was cup or nothing.

I love being able to comfort my baby, provide pain relief, nutrition and hydration on tap. So sad you'll deprive a future baby of this.

I think the parents who are saying it is a parenting thing not a breastfeeding thing are lucky that their children responded the way they did! I bf for nearly 2 years and now at 3 am still the one who puts the 3 year old to bed as he screams so much if dad does it (we do also have an older child that dad puts to bed) it's really not as easy as just letting them get used to it and scream. Mine wouldn't probably scream til he's sick but I don't let it get to that point as it's awful for everyone!

*would probably scream

I was at breaking point and I can safely say night weaning saved me. We did it just after 1 - I’m sorry to say I think it’ll be tougher at 2. Of course she gets hysterical - she wants to be asleep and as far as she’s concerned breastfeeding = sleep. It’s not that she’s playing up or anything like that, it’s just 2 years worth of a deeply engrained sleep association to get over.

Look up the Jay Gordon method if you want something a bit more gentle, worked well for us. I’d recommend you and your DP take some time off work abutting a weekend (because it will be tough and you will get less sleep for a while as it’ll take longer to get her back to sleep compared to breastfeeding). Whenever she wakes up send DP in (he literally has no option to give in) and find alternative ways to comfort her. No need to leave her to cry it out or anything like that if you don’t want to.

Oof that's tough OP. 2 year olds are so change resistant.

I wouldn't give up on bf no.2 though, just do it differently as PP said. I fed my 3 up to 12-14 months very happily on a schedule (milk = food not comfort). Stopped feeding to sleep by 8 months or so, alternating bedtime with DH. I did a dreamfeed for a while longer but never bf on demand at night after they stopped physically needing the nourishment. Moved to milk in a cup during weaning and bypassed bottles completely.

I am not going to pretend it all went perfectly and my twins are still bed-invaders at 3 but bf was certainly never a problem. And so much easier when they are small than faffing about with bottles. Just don't build that sleep equals milk connection!

I moved into the spare room for six weeks the day DD2 turned 2. It was up to DH to bedshare from then. I had just done 2 years...

She continued to feed during the day until 5 and a half.

@mumof1littlebun your situation sounds most sImilar to us, thanks for the solidarity.

@Flittingaboutagain not very nice to end your comment saying I’d deprive a future baby. Everyone else on the thread has managed to stay judgement free, I didn’t ask for comment on that and your comment suggests FF babies are in some way deprived which I think a lot of people would be upset by and passionately disagree with. Everyone is free to make their own choices on how they feed their babies without judgement.