Breastfeeding HAS created a rod for my own back

[Peaplant20]

So I’ve been bf my toddler since birth, she is now 2.

all the bf support groups I went to etc all talked about ignore people saying it creates a rod for your own back it’s not true etc.

I know for a lot of people this is the case. I hear of bf babies who sleep through the night from early on and who easily go to sleep for dad, grandma etc etc. However for us it’s created such problems:

• 2yo and still doesn’t sleep through the night
• no one else can put her to sleep - dad has been trying since January and it stayed off difficult for a week or so and then it was fine, but every time she is ill (often!!!) she just becomes absolutely hysterical within seconds.
• I can’t get her to go to sleep in her own cot - I managed to transition away from bf to sleep to cuddles in the chair but for months it was taking up to an hour (now about 20-30 mins), and then transition her. Tonight she also cried for milk the whole time because she’s got a bit of a cold, and I didn’t give in because I wanted to stay consistent but also because I’d said no at first I didn’t want to confuse her by then giving in. Then I felt awful.

It’s completely put me off breastfeeding again, I think if we’re lucky enough to have baby number 2 I will bf for the first few weeks or months but introduce a bottle as soon as possible and alternative bedtime with dad from day 1.

Anyway wasn’t really looking for advice but just solidarity.

I understand about the hysterical part. My first did this. Everyone always would say "she'll give up eventually". Well guess who screamed for 5 hours non stop in the car when we were in a traffic jam and only stopped because I took her out of her seat to comfort her? You know your child better than anyone but I would say this behaviour isn't solely because of breastfeeding. Like I said my first was just like this but I also breastfed my 2nd and 3rd until they were 2 and they were fine being comforted by DH.

Exactly this. My almost 3 year old is still breastfed, but can be put to bed by someone else. She sleeps through and has done so since I night weaned her at age 2.

I went away for 10 days at the end of last year and she was fine, and just picked bf up again afterwards.

None of my children were given a bottle but they would all be settled by my DH at nighttime because they had to be- I couldn't do it all so didn't. I fed my first child for 15 months, night weaned her at age 1, and she still didn't sleep through till she was almost 3!

All that is to say- don't blame breastfeeding here. If you've been doing all of the settling then yes, your child won't accept anyone else. But that's not bf that's the problem, it's you doing everything that's the problem. It's perfectly possible to have a middle ground of BF and not being the one doing absolutely everything.

I love being able to comfort my baby, provide pain relief, nutrition and hydration on tap. So sad you'll deprive a future baby of this.

What an awful thing to say. Formula fed babies are still comforted, hydrated and given nutrition!

I'm not going to breastfeeding DD2 and she'll still be comforted and fed.

Will she drink another type of milk? When she is well, take her to the shops and let her pick her new big girl bedtime cup. Make it a huge deal and get excited about showing daddy. She gets milk out of it and her choice of stories at night. They become quite bribable at this age. Don’t feed any milk overnight, from cup or boob. DH might need to steel himself and go in.

It's normal for them to want the boob when poorly, your body makes antibodies for whatever lurgy they've got. The milk changes to give them a boost. Plus it's comfort. I co slept so there was minimal sleep disruption. Breastfeeding isn't just about food.

It is tricky to stop when you want to stop. My last kid I went away for a week leaving him with family., that did the trick. He was 3 1/2 though.

It's also not a guarantee that she'll suddenly start to sleep through when you stop though. It doesn't have to be breastfeedings fault. But at least you can share the load.

I don't think it's the breastfeeding that's caused the issue. It was a good job you did getting to 2 but now its time to just stop. Where is your husband in all this? He needs to put baby to bed. You need to go out.

My ds1 weaned quite naturally at 20mo but ds2 was still going at 2 so I went cold turkey on his last night feed. I had thrush and it was too painful but I felt it had gone on long enough and I was just being used as a dummy.

It helped that I worked so dc had to get used to dh settling them.

I have friends (male and mainly female) who get into a ridiculous pattern being always the one to settle their dc. Their OH plays into it because they find it hard to settle so they are happy to delegate.

It's better to bite the bullet and do it now before you find this is still going on at 4. Its kindest on the dc that they learn to self settle sooner. You're going yo have to be firm on this. There are gradual methods but it seems worse to me as its prolonging the process.

I've breastfed all 3 of mine first I only did 14 months (i got pregnant with my second when they were 9 months old and they stopped themselves, not sure if it started to taste weird or what), second 2.5 years and 3rd I'm on 2 years and 4 months and no signs of stopping. The things you say are true but then I just think it benefits them both health wise and in terms of attachment. I wouldn't want to intentionally treat 2 of my children so differently, why should baby 1 get the benefits for 2 years but baby 2 is stuck with a bottle? What if you end up closer to baby 2? I will admit I do think having my first 2 so close impacted on my attachment and breastfeeding the first, my second and third child are both all for me, my first child will go to daddy. Maybe it's a birth order thing or sex thing (I have girl, boy, boy).

I just think intentionally treating your kids differently isn't fair.

I meant close to baby 1 not baby 2!

Hi I fed my first till 19 1/2 months (slept through from 18 months)and still feeding second at 20 months, just started sleeping through.

for me I feed downstairs before bath,
book and then bed. I still feed if he wakes at night sometimes if he wakes up within three hours he gets given water and a cuddle. If he’s really bad I send in his dad as he doesn’t smell of milk.

I feed first thing, at 10.30 pre nap about 4 and bed. Middle of day ones sometimes I give cows milk instead, and just fend him off.

make sure they are having enough food and naps not too late in the day. It’ll suddenly happen and my oh my your boobs hurt overnight for a couple of days but they soon settle.
good luck you’re doing great.

I don't think it's about breastfeeding. It's similar to children who wake up wanting a bottle multiple times at night. Your child has a feed/sleep association. You can slowly wean her off it. Make sure you're not feeding her to sleep at bed time. Then when she wakes up, comfort her but don't give in to bf her. It might take 10-15 minutes or longer initially to settle her, but she'll get used to it. Then she will stop waking up! If she gets more worked up that you're not bf-ing her then get her dad to go to her at night to settle her. She won't expect milk from him. Maybe she might have a tantrum or two, but just let him settle her. After a few nights she will be fine.

I made sure to break the feed/sleep association when my kids were about 8 months old. They were able to self settle. My son self weaned when he was 16 months old. He didn't feed at night anyways. When I was ready to stop breast feeding my daughter, I used this technique as she didn't self wean. You have to be willing to see it through and not give in to create a new habit.

I disagree with the assumption many people have that if you breastfeed then you have to cosleep, and constantly feed to sleep and feed on demand until their 3 years old. You decide what suits you. She is breast feeding for comfort and not nutrition. You shouldn't feel guilty about cutting back.

This was me OP!
I feel you. She’s 4.5 now and sleeps in her own bed, but I don’t miss trying to reason with a 2 yo.. it was during lockdown too so I had nowhere to run!

@Anissue how did you get through it :)

It's normal for children to still wake through the night.
You don't know that not breastfeeding would result in a different sleep rythym.

But I bf my 18m old and he screams bloody murder if he doesn't get his mummy milk. If I've tried to get my husband to get him to sleep, the baby holds out, forces himself to stay awake. Screams until he gets it.
I feed multiple times through the night.
I don't know how I'll stop either tbh. But I know I will so I'm not fretting about it.

We're similar @Peaplant20. I'm still breastfeeding our 21 month old and feeding to sleep as well as during lots of night time wakings. She gets really upset if I try not to and I also don't want to let her get too upset, wondering how it would affect her if she did. It's all she's known.

So no advice but here in solidarity x

@Peaplant20 I just totally get what you're saying about the screaming! It's so easy to say just leave them to scream when you haven't been through to know how traumatising it can be!

The point it, most of us have been through it.
My Dd put up a fight but I had decided that this was what was best for all of us so we battled through.
It wasn’t fun but I felt it to be necessary.
You either want it badly enough to se it through or you’re prepared to take a different, slower way. Each is stressful in different ways.
No one can say what is the right answer for your family.

Solidarity here OP, if you are interested in gently weaning, check out the breastfeeding mentor on instagram.

In fairness during covid I had nothing else to do, but there was one night after lockdown lifted I had to do something work related and wasn’t going to be back for bedtime, and DH put her down, and she went do like an absolute dream! Totally happy for him to do it if I wasn’t in the house.

This is unhelpful to the OP, all babies/kids are different and she’s looking for solidarity, not to be picked apart.

Just to add we had tried before a few times, given up, waited til she was a bit older. Then when she was ready, it was easy.

We gave her lots of reassurance and warning that mummy had to be out and would be home after she was asleep and daddy was going to put her to bed and he was looking forward to reading her favourite book etc etc etc.

Sometimes they’re just not ready and it’s not anything you’ve done/are doing wrong.

Solidarity, my first was a bit like this. I fed her to 2y 8m and then had to stop because I was pregnant and dried up and it hurt. I was worried about stopping but it was really easy - because I was committed to it.

Can your DH put your little one to bed when you're not in the house? That's a starting point - just skip bedtime.

If she wakes multiple times in the night to away for a long weekend with friends. She will have to adjust. Obvs keep responding to her when you're there.

Then just talk about what's going to happen and stick to it. First no BF during night wakes, then dropping each feed as you want until the last one.

Personality does play a part. My youngest is 2y 9m and we're still going because she sleep and isn't needy with it but I might stop later this year as I'm slightly over it now (and want to take stronger migraine tablets!!)

Agree with this - don't blame yourself, you do need to work with the baby you have. But also they might surprise you when it comes to you getting serious about it. But you need a plan and to stick to it. I wasn't ready to do that until the feeding hurt too much I just couldn't go on anymore

Oh for goodness sake, these posts do my head in. All this tells you is that you have a different child.

Children do not come out of our bodies as blank slates that we can mold as we wish. They come with their own personalities and temperaments. That is why two children in exactly the same circumstances can behave differently.

OP I agree that breastfeeding advocates are dishonest about the potential downsides of breastfeeding. And I say that as someone who was an extended breast feeder twice.

I didnt get the inpression OP was looking for solidarity. OP was complaining that BF had created a rod for her own back and that this belief would affect her future BF plans. I was offeing my own experience (which was that weaning made no different to sleep with my first child).

I'm not "picking her apart" either. OP is blaming breastfeeding for her problems and thinks not breastfeeding would have led to different outcomes. I'm offering my own experience over 3 children. All of whom breastfed for different amounts of time. My child breastfed for the longest is actually the best sleeper! So I would definitely agree with you that all kids/babies are different. It's one of the reasons I'd caution OP not to assume that just introducing a bottle next time will lead to a different outcome.