Breastfeeding HAS created a rod for my own back

[Peaplant20]

So I’ve been bf my toddler since birth, she is now 2.

all the bf support groups I went to etc all talked about ignore people saying it creates a rod for your own back it’s not true etc.

I know for a lot of people this is the case. I hear of bf babies who sleep through the night from early on and who easily go to sleep for dad, grandma etc etc. However for us it’s created such problems:

• 2yo and still doesn’t sleep through the night
• no one else can put her to sleep - dad has been trying since January and it stayed off difficult for a week or so and then it was fine, but every time she is ill (often!!!) she just becomes absolutely hysterical within seconds.
• I can’t get her to go to sleep in her own cot - I managed to transition away from bf to sleep to cuddles in the chair but for months it was taking up to an hour (now about 20-30 mins), and then transition her. Tonight she also cried for milk the whole time because she’s got a bit of a cold, and I didn’t give in because I wanted to stay consistent but also because I’d said no at first I didn’t want to confuse her by then giving in. Then I felt awful.

It’s completely put me off breastfeeding again, I think if we’re lucky enough to have baby number 2 I will bf for the first few weeks or months but introduce a bottle as soon as possible and alternative bedtime with dad from day 1.

Anyway wasn’t really looking for advice but just solidarity.

I'd suggest taking a look at Emma Pickett, an IBCLC, on Instagram. We weaned my 2.5yr old with her help. There are lots of books you can get to introduce the idea - you don't have to go cold turkey and can gradually remove feeds as you feel comfortable. I honestly never thought we'd manage it but my son did so much better than I expected - mainly just by talking about it with him and introducing the idea that my milk would go.

Both of mine have been breastfed and both have been able to be put to sleep by my DH, and I've night weaned both before they turned one. DD2 is 11mo and has slept through for the last couple of months (and she was an every hour waker till she was 6 months!). I can go out for the evening fine and do fairly often.

I think the trick is to put the foundations of what you want your life to be like in early, because once they get to beyond a year then habits are much harder to break. So from the start, DH has had both girls by himself, he's put both to bed from early on, I introduced a bottle early with both so he could feed them expressed milk when I was out, I stopped offering breast during the day as much once they started on solids and neither of them were that bothered and it was a painless process. If I'd waited till they were 2 or whatever then I imagine it would have been much harder. Not massively helpful now, but I don't think you need to rule out breastfeeding a second DC, maybe just approach it differently?

🤷‍♀️ I’m always conscious that women who are considering breastfeeding read these threads and only get one side of how things go, it’s important to share the other side. As have lots of other posters who have come along and shared their experience of extended breastfeeding and offered advice to the OP.

I had so many people tell me that breastfeeding would create a rod for my own back but it didn’t, it’s been lovely. Not everyone is around breastfeeding advocates, when my baby got to around 3 months I was under much more pressure from the people around me to switch to formula than I was ever around people who actually encouraged it. So in my circle there’s much more of that around than ‘dishonest breastfeeding advocates’.

It sounds like you’d benefit from putting in some boundaries.
I night weaned at ~17 months but kept cosleeping for a little while afterwards. She shouted at me A LOT the first night, a bit the second night and by the third night was happy to accept the cuddles I’d been offering all the way through. I didn’t leave her alone and upset and it was reasonable of her to be really angry with me 🤷‍♀️ feeding to sleep was working for her! But I needed to change it. It really didn’t take long despite the fury of the first night.

Then we transitioned her to a floor bed in her own room. Skipped the cot completely. Once I’d night weaned it was easier to ditch the bedtime feed and cuddle to sleep instead.

To start with we’d do bedtimes together (me and husband) and then we slowly phased me out and him in. Once she got used to him doing it we were able to alternate.

I’m still feeding her and she’s nearly 3. I don’t feed her to sleep when I put her to bed and we have one feed a day that I decide the length of. If it was up to her then she’d feed loads more but it’s a two way street once it isn’t their main food source.

I’m also feeding my 10mo and he gets put to bed by dad every other night. He’d probably prefer me to do it but I like doing bedtime with my eldest so he has to have daddy some days

If I didn’t have these boundaries I’d probably have stopped feeding ages ago, these make it manageable (and enjoyable) for me. Saying no sometimes is a really good lesson in consent for my DD too. It’s not my job to stop her from ever being upset, it’s my job to help her process those feelings.

Hopefully some of that is useful to you and gives you some ideas to try

Put plasters on your nipples and tell her it's not working any more.

I have breastfed my DD till she was 2. The day time feeds were easier to stop as she started nursery. The middle of the night feeds are the most difficult since she won’t stop screaming until she gets breastfed.

I started reading a book called Booby moon which is about saying bye to breastmilk (there are many similar books). I kept explaining her the milk will go away soon. Even though she got the concept, she was still screaming during the night. The one day I applied little neem juice to my nipple and said that milk had gone bad. This is a common practice back home but I didn’t want to use at first thinking my dd would get upset and that it’s not a gentle way. But as a last measure I used this approach and my dd just gave a confused look and stopped feeding. Then the night feeds stopped gradually. Whenever she starts crying, I try to wake her up a bit and start talking to her and again put her back to sleep.

This isn't a breastfeeding created rod, this your parenting style rod.

I agree. There was a guy in the park earlier letting his 2 year old play with dog poo because 'He couldn't stop him'... Don't be afraid of saying 'No' to your toddler, whether it's over breastfeeding or anything else you really feel they need to stop doing. It's not being horrible, it's just creating a nice healthy boundary. Be calm, and kind, and consistent, and stop beating yourself up for it!

So women who don’t breastfeed are not close to their babies? Don’t be ridiculous

Are there other areas of parenting where you feel like this? Extended bf can (not always but can) go hand in hand with thinking you need to meet DC's every wish and if you say no and they get upset, it will traumatise them.

Your child is a toddler, being told no and getting upset about it is part of the territory. It's horrible when they cry but those times come anyway, they just get overwhelmed and go into meltdown sometimes.

It's healthy for children to learn that other people have boundaries and sometimes that means they can't get what they want. Even with something intimate like bf. It matters that you don't want to do it anymore.

It's hard OP as a single parent cosleeping and bf was a lesser of two evils even though some nights I found it challenging. The truth is, there is no way of knowing whether your DD would sleep all night even if she was on formula.

I would also examine why you want her to behave like others baby's are you desperate for a break - that's entirely understandable and a perfectly reasonable reason to stop, or have you gotten stuck in a comparison loop which it's easy to do and can feel very negative when you see other people's children doing things that yours can't but you'd like them to. Remember two is still very, very young even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

I opted for a "never offer, never refuse" ethos.
What I found was that once DD hit 2.5 she started bf like a newborn again for around two months, this was whilst her molars came through, bf for comfort stimulates pain relieving chemicals and as soon as the big teeth were through she decided to stop breastfeeding, she was also at an age where she was able to better communicate her needs. So if you can hang on just a little while longer you are on the home straight. I will also say that DD got a horrific stomach bug when she was 2 and it was only the fact I was able to still bf her that the Dr did not have her admitted to the hospital, breast milk being easier to digest meant she was still getting some nutrition.

Good luck to you, breast feeding has its challenges and you've done a fantastic job to keep going this long.

"stuck with a bottle"? Give me a break. Bottle feeding is just another way of feeding, no baby is stuck with anything as long as they're getting fed.

It's interesting reading these responses. Whilst there's obviously going to be different parenting styles between breastfed babies, I do think it's easier for a parent of an 'easier' baby/toddler to say that it's their parenting style that allowed them to achieve xyz in relation to weaning or bedtime routine etc. Some little ones are extremely intense, much more so than others, and so sometimes it's not so much your parenting style that's created the 'rod,' it's more a matter of having needed to do whatever would help with soothing them and getting them to sleep!

Anyway, I had one of those intense babies OP. I ended up night weaning her at around 2 but I spent the next year sleeping on her floor (as now exh was pressuring me to stop bed sharing) and comforting her back to sleep every hour or so through the night. I too wondered how others managed to achieve better routines as it just didn't seem possible with my daughter. I even tried two sleep consultants (again pressured into by exh) who were useless. One labelled her stubborn and tenacious

She did grow out of it...eventually!! Do whatever you're comfortable with and I promise you'll get through to the other end in one piece, just about

My son was really difficult. Extremely high needs, wanted to be held all the time. Very colicky and difficult. Both my children had CMPA. That's why it was too difficult for me to continue co-sleeping and feeding so much and I put boundaries in place- for my own sanity. So I know it can be done. Children are adaptable. Yes, they will throw tantrums and cry, but if the OP wants things to change then she needs to start working towards that change. There are lots of suggestions on here and with trial and error she will figure out what works with her child.

I think where people are disagreeing with OP, is that this situation has been caused by breastfeeding. And posters are arguing that there are more in the middle of the road approaches which don't involve constantly feeding to sleep at the age of 2.

Firstly, I'm a fan of extended breastfeeding. My 3 have all fed till about 2.5 and I fed to sleep at bedtime until about age 2.

If it's working for you, great. If it's not, that's ok too! My twins were combi fed initially, but personally I don't like the faff of bottles and was enormously relieved at 5 months to switch to just breast at night. But if you prefer bottles/combi, that's also ok.

If you're looking to stop breastfeeding a toddler at night, there are a couple.of things to bear in mind:

• they are more capable of understanding than a baby
• they are more bloody stubborn and have a longer memory

I think that makes cold turkey methods less suitable - you set yourself up for big battles that are miserable for everyone.

Personally, I have found it easiest to start by reading books. Sally Weans From Nighnursing, Nursies when the Sun Shines, Loving Comfort.... I'm certain there are others. We started introducing these as normal bedtime stories, and a week later starting explaining that they wouldn't need milk at night soon either. It's easiest to drop the feed immediately before sleep before tackling waking - I think you've mostly done this? If they are still waking, give a very brief feed them offer cup of water and cuddles. Do whatever you do to settle them at bedtime and remind them they can have more when it is light (or whatever your rule is). Remind them of the book. Be patient, if you're not a fan of crying at night it takes a few weeks. Remind yourself it's nothing compared to the 2 years you've already done.

Two of mine nightweaned this way without tears. The third got a cold and was miserable so that messed things up a bit and a did have crying for a couple of nights. Really not much though, but I had to rock him back to sleep for a week before he started sleeping through. That was a bit rough.

You are not stuck, OP. These transitions can seem impossible before you get started. But they aren't. You should never feel guilty for needing to make a change if something isn't working for you and your family any more. It doesn't mean the original choice was wrong, just that it isn't right any more. That's totally ok. It's how parenting goes! Your child changes.