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Original poster

MIL creeping me out with my 3 month baby

84 replies

Blondewave · 12/06/2023 16:06

Hello

posting this as want to know if I’m being ‘touchy’

i have a 3 month old baby always got on well with my MIl. Although she came to stay with us for just under a week and looked after baby while we went away for the night.

when we came back she was like a different woman, would not give me my baby, insisted she knew him better than me and constantly kept taking him off me…some of the things she said;

To my baby ‘ You are MY gorgeous boy aren’t you?’

He needed a feed just before dinner so she took him off me and told me to eat my dinner…I finished it and said pass him to me you eat your dinner..she said ‘No don’t disturb him please he’s comfy’

Constnstly taking him off me…when he cries when I’m holding him I can see her itching to grab him and she’s like oh no you need granny.

I went to change his nappy and get him dressed for the day she said ‘no he doesn’t need his nappy changing and his baby grow is clean’

she told me she’s feeding him at different times to see if he settles. He’s been projective vomiting as it transpired when we were away she’s been putting in an extra scoop of formula (as it sticks to the sides of the scoop she said) however we do not do that! Also she isn’t stelrizing the bottles how I asked her to.

she also completely re arranged my whole house and tells me that I can’t use the drier as it’s too expensive in my own home etc.

I never want to see her again. I stayed quiet but I just wanted to scream. I don’t want her near me or my baby ever again. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AlwaysFoldingWashing · 12/06/2023 17:13

OP I had similar issues with my MiL when my son was small and I eventually realised I had to be firm about boundaries and show that I was serious about them or she would expect to be calling the shots all the time.

In all honesty it caused a rift for a while and things were strained as I cut all contact to around an hour a month and she was not left with my son alone but she soon got the message that I was serious and I can honestly say we are are back to having a relationship that I really enjoy.

Decide where your lines are now and just expect short term pain for long term gain. Good luck

Hadjab · 12/06/2023 17:22

Yes, you are being unreasonable, because in the time it took to write your post, you could have said all of that to her! It's your house and your baby, just tell her to back off. That said, there is nothing wrong with her calling him "my gorgeous boy," because he is to her, that doesn't mean she's going to abduct him or try and replace you as his mother.

MammaTo · 12/06/2023 17:26

The bottle making and sterilising is fair enough she should be following these instructions.

But saying my gorgeous boy etc I don’t think is too bad tbh - you’ve just got to let it go over your head (speaking as someone with a 5 month old).

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 3-6 months old Babies & sleep Families
Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2023 17:35

You have a You problem. The only reason she kept taking him away from you is because you allowed it. Say NO. Say no every time she tries to do something you don't approve of. You're a mother now, you don't have the luxury of refusing to be assertive.

AfricanGrey · 12/06/2023 17:36

2bazookas · 12/06/2023 16:30

How every lucky you are to have a family member who can take charge of your baby for 24 hours or longer if there's an emergency, one of you is in hospital, or just need some couple time. How lucky you are that MIL adores your baby and no doubt he will adore his Granny in years to come; what a fulfilling relationship for him to experience.

Accept, she's not you, she's a separate person with her own quirks and imperfections. Maybe count what things you have in common?

You both love DH
You both love Baby
You are determined women, you both like your own way and are both a bit possessive of Baby. Because you adore him.

🫠

StopStartStop · 12/06/2023 17:44

I never want to see her again. I stayed quiet but I just wanted to scream. I don’t want her near me or my baby ever again. Am I being unreasonable?

Not at all. I don't want her near me, either.

Namechange666 · 12/06/2023 17:48

Blondewave · 12/06/2023 17:02

Yeah to be honest I never said anything as she is very very sensitive. We have always had a good relationship till now. When she’s started dictating stuff in my home..she only came to visit for a week as she currently has no where to stay so I was doing her a favour…she offered to have baby one night while we went away to a wedding whilst she was here..wish I’d not agreed to that as she just went like a women possessed and had taken over everything on our return.

I am bad at being assertive as I don’t want to hurt peoples feelings but the resentment it built was very big..she was going to look after my son 2 days a week when I go back to work but that won’t be happening now…as she ignores my wishes. My DH is supportive and has said he can see why I’m upset but at the same time he won’t say anything to his mum as he doesn’t want to rock the boat

Show quote history

Yes but your feelings are getting trodden on for someone else.

Stand up for yourself woman and just say no! Don't let her take your baby off of you.

Dillydollydingdong · 12/06/2023 17:50

I don't know why some grandmothers are like this. I'm a DGM and probably see my grandchildren twice a week. But I wouldn't want to take them over. I love them dearly but twice a week is enough (for all of us!)

RocketsMagnificent7 · 12/06/2023 18:13

Harvey3 · 12/06/2023 16:36

I'd just be grateful for the help to be honest!

How is rearranging someone else's house and over feeding their tiny baby helpful? How is undermining a new mum helpful?

orchidsrock · 12/06/2023 18:27

YANBU but why on earth didn't you say anything at the time for some of these comments? Maybe it wouldn't have stopped her, but you need to stand up for yourself (and your baby!)

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 12/06/2023 18:32

I agree with @Hadjab. I would have been so pissed off and upset, but you have to stick up for yourself. Your dh won't stand up to her, because he has been conditioned to accept his mother's ways. This is your baby, your home and you need to put your foot down. Has she gone?

AffableApple · 12/06/2023 18:58

2bazookas · 12/06/2023 16:30

How every lucky you are to have a family member who can take charge of your baby for 24 hours or longer if there's an emergency, one of you is in hospital, or just need some couple time. How lucky you are that MIL adores your baby and no doubt he will adore his Granny in years to come; what a fulfilling relationship for him to experience.

Accept, she's not you, she's a separate person with her own quirks and imperfections. Maybe count what things you have in common?

You both love DH
You both love Baby
You are determined women, you both like your own way and are both a bit possessive of Baby. Because you adore him.

Fuck that. She's not his mother! OP is.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 12/06/2023 19:05

I would still see her but after the formula stunt she wouldn't be having my baby alone again. Honestly OP, watch some assertiveness videos on YouTube and learn to say a firm NO. It will change your life for the better.
This is your baby, if you want to change your babies nappy then who the hell is she to tell you not to?! Its your baby! 😂 honestly, step back from her for a while and no more week long stays unless your DH has your back on this.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/06/2023 19:07

she currently has no where to stay

Why? Is she homeless? Is she staying with for a week or long-term?

Honestly, OP-all of this could be sorted by you using your words. No way would I have put up with any of those comments.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/06/2023 19:07

"My DH is supportive and has said he can see why I’m upset but at the same time he won’t say anything to his mum as he doesn’t want to rock the boat"
No, he is NOT supportive. 'Supportive' would be taking his mother to one side and asking WTF was going on. He is NOT supportive.

Why has your MIL got nowhere to stay? I can't help but feel something as major as that might be affecting her behaviour. Or, that her behaviour is part of the reason she has become homeless.

HowcanIhelp123 · 12/06/2023 19:24

You're the parents, that means you need to grow a backbone and tell her off.

Don't let her take the baby from you! Wear in a sling. If she asks why you tell her its because she can't be trusted to give him back or follow instructions. She'll learn quickly. If she says 'my baby', tell her no thats my baby, DH is yours.

standardduck · 12/06/2023 19:31

Is she still staying with you?

If not, I would probably stay away from her for a while to let her off cool and see if she is back to her old self when she visits you again.

YANBU though - she sounds a bit possessive of your baby and that would annoy me too. Not sterilizing the bottles and changing the feeding schedule is also not OK for her to do.

You do need to get your DH to have your back though.

standardduck · 12/06/2023 19:34

2bazookas · 12/06/2023 16:30

How every lucky you are to have a family member who can take charge of your baby for 24 hours or longer if there's an emergency, one of you is in hospital, or just need some couple time. How lucky you are that MIL adores your baby and no doubt he will adore his Granny in years to come; what a fulfilling relationship for him to experience.

Accept, she's not you, she's a separate person with her own quirks and imperfections. Maybe count what things you have in common?

You both love DH
You both love Baby
You are determined women, you both like your own way and are both a bit possessive of Baby. Because you adore him.

Yeah, no.

MIL doesn't get to change the feeding schedule or rearrange OP's house or be possessive of her baby.

That's not okay.

Potentialscroogeincognito · 12/06/2023 19:45

You also have a husband problem clearly as he won’t “rock the boat”. Pathetic.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 12/06/2023 19:51

2bazookas · 12/06/2023 16:30

How every lucky you are to have a family member who can take charge of your baby for 24 hours or longer if there's an emergency, one of you is in hospital, or just need some couple time. How lucky you are that MIL adores your baby and no doubt he will adore his Granny in years to come; what a fulfilling relationship for him to experience.

Accept, she's not you, she's a separate person with her own quirks and imperfections. Maybe count what things you have in common?

You both love DH
You both love Baby
You are determined women, you both like your own way and are both a bit possessive of Baby. Because you adore him.

No, you’re wrong, a caring grandmother doesn’t risk her grandchild’s health by putting extra scoops of formula in his bottles, she also doesn’t risk his health by not sterilising his bottles.
She recognises that she’s the grandmother and not the mother, she hands him over to his mother when asked to do so.
And she certainly doesn’t rearrange her son and daughter in laws house.

Delphinium20 · 12/06/2023 20:00

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare, and a very selfish person. And who cares if she's sensitive? That's her problem to deal with and it sounds like she uses her "sensitivity" to manipulate and control.

You're a new mother and it's tough in the beginning to grow your spine, but you'll need it. Your child needs to have a mother to be strong enough to protect him not only from your MIL messing with his food and basic needs, but from all other obstacles to his health and well-being. This is just the beginning. You need to know how to set clear boundaries as your MIL is just one person trying to mess with your son's well-being.

Moonshine160 · 12/06/2023 20:05

Her saying “my gorgeous boy” etc isn’t much of an issue but the extra scoops of formula and not sterilising bottles would definitely be an issue for me. You’re the parent, you have the say on how you parent your child so you need to just tell her straight. Not ever wanting to see her again seems a little extreme though.

StampOnTheGround · 12/06/2023 20:10

YANBU, I was starting to lose the plot with my FIL - he even tried to snatch DS out of DH's arms saying 'but I want him, give him to me' erm no? 😂

yummyscummymummy01 · 12/06/2023 20:21

I think that there's lots of hormones flying around in the early days and as this is your first baby I think you feel them very acutely. With my first I was a total lioness, and would often feel quite territorial about him. By the time I had my other children I was just very glad for the help!

She does sound like she's over stepped the mark but it is enormously unfair not to explain your feelings to her and at least give her a chance to address some of the issues you've described here. You got on well before and with a bit of honesty from you and more respect for boundaries on her side you could get on well again.

ChubbyMorticia · 12/06/2023 20:31

She’s not sensitive. If she was, she’d be far too aware of how you’d be feeling to pull the stunts she did.

She’s a spoiled brat who throws a tanty when told no. And she’s been enabled by those around her, who think it’s easier to give way than endure her fits.

The only hope of change is if the behaviour no longer gets her what she wants. So, for the sake of any future relationship, enforce your boundaries.