Is the school being reasonable?

[ArnieMB]

Hi I just wanted to ask if people think my kid's school is being reasonable here.

My son is 13. At his school there is a new prank called "benching". 1 kids sits down (on a grassy area. Another kid is enticed to stand behind the sitting kid whilst a 3rd kid pushes the standing kid over the sitting kid. Usually the pusher and the sitter are in cahoots about this. My son appears to have been in all 3 positions in the last few days!

Last week he pushed a kid over another, and the kid being pushed gets up and throws 2 punches at my son's head, and the threw 5 or 6 punches at the kid sitting down, who threw 2 punches back. It was all over in 30 seconds, and no one got hurt at all.

the school's punishment was to suspend the boy who threw 5 or 6 punches for 1 week, the boy who was sat down and threw 2 punches for 2 days and to put my son on weekend detention and stop him going on the end of year trip. My son only escaped a suspension as he didn't retaliate to the punches he received.

The deputy head then told my son that the parents' of the boy he pushed had the right to go to the police as it may be considered assault.

I was flabbergasted by all this. It's a minor prank where 1 lad overreacted. That is it. I think the school has massively overreacted and I didn't take kindly to the school raising the issue of the police being involved. Personally if this required police action, it implies that the police would be at every school in the country every week.

For context, the lad sitting down is in my son's circle of friends. I don't think he is good friends with the lad he pushed but he is certainly "friendly" with him and they usually play football together at lunchtime. I don't know the disciplinary record of this lad, but the lad sitting down hasn't been in major trouble before (eg suspension).

I was just wondering what other people think to this, and what constitutes suspension at other school's these days.

I am 49 so went to high school late 1980s/early 1990s and suspension was a really big deal at my school. In 7 years I can only recall a couple of suspensions.

Pushing someone over IS assault and could have very nasty consequences.
The punishment is justified

Has your son been in bother before?

YABVU

Not seriously - the odd lunchtime detention.

Doesn’t matter if they are friendly or not, it’s dangerous and what starts as a harmless prank could cause serious injury. At 13 your son is at the age of criminal responsibility and will not seem such a funny joke when someone ends up seriously injured and he is responsible.

You sound like you're giving the "boys will be boys" treatment to this with the "it's a minor prank" comment tbh.

I'm not sure on whether the police would technically count it as assault or not - it sounds like it could have ended up with someone being hurt, you admit your son was involved and pushed another child over on purpose - he could have seriously hurt him or the child on the floor.

It was a ridiculous thing to do, the school seem to have taken action and hopefully your DS won't do anything like it again.

Having detentions suggest his behaviour can sometimes be borderline PITA!

School are acting reasonably.

This has been a shitty prank for years. It's really stupid, but obviously you know that.

Tbh I think it needs punishing. It may be a "joke" but physically pushing another kid over is a shit thing to do, and potentially dangerous.

It's assault. Yes silly boys etc and I noone punched nothing would happen. If I saw them doing it I'd say stop. If I saw punches it's upwards and out of my hands. If a kid complained they were pushed something has to be done.

This happened to me in primary school and broke my arm 😂

I think the punishment is appropriate and would be the same at my school. Imagine if schools ignored this kind of silly physical behaviour. Then it is seen as 'acceptable' and kids go further. Then someone gets really hurt.

It is SO DANGEROUS. They have likely been told, repeatedly, in assemblies about benching and why they shouldn’t be doing it.

Punching/pushing and other violence is not an appropriate way to play at 4, never mind at 14.

Do you understand how easily the sitting person could break their neck, OP?

It is ridiculous to defend this stupid behaviour, your son needs to understand not to behave like such a moron.

Exactly
Mine is no angel but in 3 years at school he hasn’t had 1 detention.
A few suggests a pattern

Yeah this, I’d take even one detention seriously.

If your son was pushed, even in a light hearted way, and he fell and hit his head, and was seriously injured or worse, how would you feel?

It might seem like overkill, but kids needs to understand that actions have consequences.

People are convicted and even jailed for manslaughter for doing stupid things that result in death.l

i would back the school up. They’re just trying to keep the students from getting hurt and stopping fights from breaking out. Great that in this case it was all over and done with quickly , but next time it might blow up - that’s just what happens. Hence sanction to reinforce

Was just wondering, it seems a significant punishment in all three cases, so I thought maybe it was an escalation.

You’ve asked about suspensions - there was an assault at my son’s school recently where a boy ended up in A&E, needed stitches, six against one, they repeatedly kicked his face. There was one three day suspension. Police were called and took statements, don’t know if anything came of it. Apparently schools don’t like suspending pupils, I’ve been told by a teacher it’s that for a lot of kids not coming to school is not really a punishment at all, and then the school are left with nowhere else to go. That’s just one opinion though.

It sounds like they’re maybe trying to clamp down on benching by sending out a clear signal. Maybe before someone ends up with a broken back? They’re not tiny boys anymore.

I do have a bit of sympathy for your son if it’s as he says and it wasn’t done in malice (presumably it’s the trip that’s the big loss) but I don’t know if I’d communicate that to him, tbh. It’s a good lesson about consequences in a relatively low stakes environment. I’m not that much younger than you and I do agree there was a lot more ‘fighting’ when we were young, but there’s massive behavioural problems now and a worrying lack of respect for staff. Anecdotally, some schools seem almost a bit afraid of discipline and are quick to pass off dangerous conduct as banter or pranks (eg.the recent death in Scotland).

I think the punishments sound reasonable. If a little unfair because your son, who was one of the people who instigated the physical altercation by pushing, got of the lightest.

I think maybe the boys will learn something about pranks. That really pranks only work well with people we know intimately and it’s very easy to upset/anger people through pranks.

The way I view my children's current schools are that they are an extension of my home. I trust that the teachers know what they're doing and act at all times in the best interests of my children.

I was flabbergasted by all this. It's a minor prank where 1 lad overreacted. That is it. I think the school has massively overreacted and I didn't take kindly to the school raising the issue of the police being involved. Personally if this required police action, it implies that the police would be at every school in the country every week.

It's not a minor prank.
The school has not overreacted. The school has told you that the boy who was pushed could to go to the police. He can. His parents can choose to pursue this if they want. The school has just told you the facts.

If you have a son who is going to behave stupidly, it is best to be clued up on the potential consequences.

It is only a prank and a bit of fun until someone gets seriously hurt which could happen. The school is completely right. You are under reacting. You should be reading him the riot act.

He’s gotten off lightly. At my school he’d be out suspension. This is unsafe behaviour that could lead to students being seriously hurt. It’s bloody stupid and they know it too.

I’m glad to see the responses here because it feel like we are swimming uphill at the moment against this kind of silly, thoughtless behaviour that is making school an unpleasant place to be for quite a lot of students.

Early naughties when I was in secondary but this would have been a trip to the head of year for a really you thought that was a good idea conversation! Followed by break time detention standing outside his office watching everyone else on the yard.

Over punishment and police involvement in minor things like this is what in my opinion has contributed to an escalation in youth behaviour. Why limit it to a play ground fist fight when you get the same assault charge as if you follow them home and do a number on them.