Is the school being reasonable?

[ArnieMB]

Hi I just wanted to ask if people think my kid's school is being reasonable here.

My son is 13. At his school there is a new prank called "benching". 1 kids sits down (on a grassy area. Another kid is enticed to stand behind the sitting kid whilst a 3rd kid pushes the standing kid over the sitting kid. Usually the pusher and the sitter are in cahoots about this. My son appears to have been in all 3 positions in the last few days!

Last week he pushed a kid over another, and the kid being pushed gets up and throws 2 punches at my son's head, and the threw 5 or 6 punches at the kid sitting down, who threw 2 punches back. It was all over in 30 seconds, and no one got hurt at all.

the school's punishment was to suspend the boy who threw 5 or 6 punches for 1 week, the boy who was sat down and threw 2 punches for 2 days and to put my son on weekend detention and stop him going on the end of year trip. My son only escaped a suspension as he didn't retaliate to the punches he received.

The deputy head then told my son that the parents' of the boy he pushed had the right to go to the police as it may be considered assault.

I was flabbergasted by all this. It's a minor prank where 1 lad overreacted. That is it. I think the school has massively overreacted and I didn't take kindly to the school raising the issue of the police being involved. Personally if this required police action, it implies that the police would be at every school in the country every week.

For context, the lad sitting down is in my son's circle of friends. I don't think he is good friends with the lad he pushed but he is certainly "friendly" with him and they usually play football together at lunchtime. I don't know the disciplinary record of this lad, but the lad sitting down hasn't been in major trouble before (eg suspension).

I was just wondering what other people think to this, and what constitutes suspension at other school's these days.

I am 49 so went to high school late 1980s/early 1990s and suspension was a really big deal at my school. In 7 years I can only recall a couple of suspensions.

Your son’s behaviour is idiotic, and your minimising of it is also idiotic. If my son were pushed over whilst minding his own business then suspended for his response to it, I would probably be pissed off enough to report your son for assault. It might be a ‘harmless prank’ to you, but as a result of your son’s actions someone else has been punished in a way they wouldn’t have been if your son hadn’t initiated such stupidity. It needs stopping - imagine if your son had shoved someone over who hit their head on the pavement?

the suspension sounds like it was regarding the punching, whatever happened in the lead up is not relevant to the flabbergastedness.
To be honest I think you should be proud that your son has sufficient emotional regulation skills not to punch other children when emotions are running high.
If he didn't, as in the case of the other children, then work needs to be done to help them deal with those situations better eg by shouting or slapping the ground or whatever is deemed helpful.

Regarding the benching I'd probably talk to the kids and help them understand the risks and also only to do it to people who are game, rather than to get a reaction from people who don't like it.

It's the punching they've been suspended for. And that's assault and they're lucky the police weren't involved. Punching someone in the head several times isn't a minor over-reaction - it's major. Imagine doing exactly that to his partner in a pub. Would you put that done to a minor over-reaction?

The school know they have a problem with a "craze" that is dangerous and amounts to bullying. It's absolutely right that they take firm action.

In that situation I can't imagine my response being anything other that "that was stupid, you got what you deserved".

The parents could report it to the police if they wanted to. Personally I wouldn't, but it doesn't hurt for your son to be told that could have been an outcome.

I understand both sides. Kids do stupid things sometimes, make silly decisions, it's why they aren't usually charged as adults if they did get arrested, and go to different courts than adults unless very serious crime.
But the adults around them are who teach them those things are silly decisions and aren't ok.
So your child acted like a child, and the adults at school acted as the adults and gave consequences.
Consequences like this now will help to prevent much bigger consequences later on in life.

It does seem a lot for a stupid prank but I'm surprised your son has got off so lightly seeing as he was the one who started the whole thing.

The suspensions sound reasonable but I am not sure why only one child will be missing the school trip - this part seems unfair.

I am sure the response will deter others from taking part in the pranks and prevent a potentially nasty accident or violent retaliation.