Dealing with family members who don't respect child's boundaries

[georgianwindow]

How do you deal with a family member who can't respect boundaries being set by children?

We are trying to teach our DD that it is completely fine to say no to kisses and cuddles if she doesn't want them. Children deserve this sort of autonomy but also, when she is a young teen (and older), the ability to feel comfortable saying no to unwanted contact is really important. Even we as her parents ask "can I give you a kiss/cuddle" and if she says no, we just say ok.

There is a family member that does not listen when she says no. She will say no several times and they will do it anyway. Recently this resulted in me removing DD from the family member's company, then when she was playing in another room, I pulled them up on their lack of ability to listen to boundaries set by others.

Later on, other family members said I over reacted and created a really awkward situation. My number one priority is advocating for DD, not people pleasing, but I also don't want to create awkwardness within the family if I can avoid it.

How would you deal with this? Nobody else will say anything to this person and it is me that is the constant "bad guy".

I’m with you OP.
people don’t understand boundaries.
my DHs parents constantly pee all over ours and so I have made it clear if they continue they get no time.

reaffirm the boundaries - it’s not ok for a child to be forced to do anything they don’t want like kisses and hugs.

100% with you. You’re not the bad guy.

Be the bad guy then, I would prefer that.
I have been in a similar situation and I was the bad guy, didn’t bother me in the slightest

I think you're right-it's important to respect children's boundaries. Have you explained calmly to the family member what you are doing and why at a time that's not emotionally charged and doesn't involve "pulling up"?

I agree with this.

If you are "telling off" rather than explaining then it will make people feel you "created a scene" note the " ".

Instead simply say "auntie x dd doesn't want a cuddle right now and that's ok perhaps later" if they insist do as you did and remove dd and then explain..
" we feel its important to respect dd when she says no to a cuddle and ask you respect that" you will get eyerolls however that's their issue and noone will claim you "are making a scene"

Do stand up for your dd but often doing it with a softly softly approach. -Even if your mama bear want to rip their head off. - Works better.

Depends on the age of the child and what the relation the family member is

I actually think it's healthy that young children get lots of hugs and kisses from people that love them

But if that's your take then be gentle and kind when you are telling them no. They just want to be affectionate so will find this rejecting do it gently

I am the bad guy too. My little one doesnt like hugs/kisses. What worked with a family member who wouldnt stop here was saying pointedly "I think its creepy that as an adult you want to touch a child in a way they clearly dont want you to".
Its very important to teach kids bodily autonomy and consent from an early age. Dont let anyone override that for your child.

You called a family member creepy for wanting to show affection to your child?

This is a key lesson for your child to support them having boundaries. Be calm clear and if needs be, be the bad guy. My children knowing I have their back and will never facilitate an adult touching hugging them when they don't want to isn't going to happen on my watch.

Those wringing their hands about showing affection. Just how do you place an adults want for affection from a child over a child needing their body autonomy ?

Because I simply can not understand any adult being that dim!

Child is 4.

To paint a picture of this recent situation.
"Can I have a cuddle?" "No."
"Have I have a kiss? "No" child then starts walking away from family member, who follows
"Oh but it will make me happy if I have a cuddle, can I have one?" No.
You get the picture. Family member then picked child up from behind. I told them to put her down, she came and hid behind me, I had the conversation with them when she was happy doing something else in another room, I explained (for maybe the third time) that she is allowed boundaries and they're just as valid as anyone else's.

I have explained to this family member several times before why we are ensuring she feels comfortable saying no or having her own boundaries in this way but they seem to 'forget' anything that doesn't fit their own agenda very quickly. They have some other slightly toxic traits and mostly conveniently don't remember anything that isn't about them.

I actually think it's healthy that young children get lots of hugs and kisses from people that love them

I agree with this, if the children want that contact at that time. If they don't, they shouldn't have to. We give our DD lots of cuddles and kisses but it's always when she says yes, never when she says no. Most other relatives don't make a big deal out of it if she says no.

I'm a grandma now and have had to learn about this stuff, people my age were not taught about boundaries and I still shudder remembering being made to kiss visiting relatives when I was a child.

I always gave my oldest grandson a hug when he visited, then one day when he was 8 I realised that when I wrapped him in a big hug his head was pressed against my breasts and thought that might be embarrassing for him. So I casually said, at a neutral time later, 'I'll always love hugging you but sometimes you might not feel like hugging and that's always absolutely fine and it won't upset me'. He's a late teen now and does still hug me so I believe it's his choice.

My youngest grandchild is a toddler and I think I sometimes touch him without consent, eg patting his shoulder when we're playing, but as he's at the stage where he constantly clambers all over me the boundaries aren't always clear to me - I try to stay aware though.

One of my own children is autistic and I realised when they were very young that a casual or unexpected touch could cause them actual pain. This helped me take on board issues of children's boundaries.

Finally, I volunteer at a tourist venue and we let children sit on one of the attractions, but they need help getting on it so I always ask them directly if it's okay for me to lift then up, or to hold their hand if they're older. I've noticed some parents smile when I ask, and others give me an odd look!

It's great you're sticking up for your daughter OP, however awkward. As well as pulling the relative up, have you explained (at a separate time) why children need boundaries?

It's great you're sticking up for your daughter OP, however awkward. As well as pulling the relative up, have you explained (at a separate time) why children need boundaries?

I have. This particular family member is really old fashioned in their parenting, adults get to do what they want and children need to put up and shut up sort of thing - the complete opposite to how we do things. Their own children aren't particular respectful of what other people request and can be bit much, children learn through example and they can't see why the children are like this.
I genuinely don't think they can compute why children might need autonomy. Either that or they simply don't care, which is also entirely possible because they're very self-centred.

You called a family member creepy for wanting to show affection to your child?

I think that's fair. If I said no to unwanted contact from somebody and they did it anyway, I'd call them creepy. The law would consider it assault. You can show affection without being physical about it, especially if it isn't consent based.

Keep being the bad guy and stop them getting too close to her as you know they can’t be trusted. If they ever pick her up again against her will I’d stop seeing them.

I’ve been here too and despite repeatedly calmly and reasonably asking for my child to be left alone I’m afraid I had to be firmly extremely honest and it blew up massively. It was part of a wider picture of relative picking on pretty much every part of mine and DH’s parenting and things are now much calmer and nicer as we no longer see them.

I really really really tried to nurture a healthy and close relationship and think extended family is important. But not at the expense of a child’s happiness or, in the end, my sanity.

Your daughter only has you to advocate for her and this person is incredibly disrespectful.

She called a family member creepy for touching a child that didn’t want to be touched, even after being told to stop.
Thats reasonable

Exactly op. If an adult continued to harass or physically try to get hugs kisses out of another adult it would be creepy. Why should we have a lower standards for children when they are much more vulnerable than an adult?

No means no regardless of age.

@georgianwindow yeah, sorry, I hadn't seen your update before I posted. I can't think of anything else you can do except not see that relative. It's so good for your daughter that you're teaching her this stuff.

Keep being the bad guy, and let your daughter see that you have her back.
After the third time I told MIL if she couldn't respect our boundaries then unfortunately she wouldn't be able to see the children anymore.

Funny how quickly she stopped forgetting!

My son is older than your dd but I find you just have to watch them like a hawk and intervene at the first sign of unwanted affection. It's exhausting though. Either that or low/no contact. I don't feel like I can do that because all my dc adore the relative, even the one who hates physical contact.

Forgot to add that with older relatives who have traditional/old fashioned views on how to treat children talking about body autonomy etc tends not to work as it's dismissed as being new fangled rubbish or not what they did in their day. I find "stop that please, dd doesn't like it" works better.

Please don't do the "oh, older people don't understand" thing. I'm an older person- I was careful about modelling informed consent to my children. And my mother "pulled me up" on the occasions I didn't. She would be 103 if she was alive. But I suggest that saving "creepy" for actual creepiness is a good idea, rather than over enthusiastic grandparents.

Honestly I'd just be 'the bad guy' and do the right thing by my DD.

I have removed DD from the arms of someone who'd just come in from smoking a cigarette before. Caused awkwardness but I really don't care.

You sound like a great mum OP, setting your daughter up with the foundations of healthy boundaries that will serve her well in life.

I would carry on doing what you’re doing- putting your daughter first- and if other people don’t like that, then tough luck.

Thank you to everyone for your agreement. The actual adult is not old as such, they're not much older than me (I'm 31) but even my parents who are in their 70s and parented me very differently to how I parent, respect all requests we and DD make.

I'll continue being the bad guy, there's not much else I can do other than continue to intervene. Can't really go NC with this person for reasons I won't explain but we don't see them all the time either.

I'll be the 'hippy parent' for now (I know that is what I am viewed as) but if it means I raise a resilient, confident young girl who isn't afraid to speak her mind then that is absolutely fine by me.