Dealing with family members who don't respect child's boundaries

[georgianwindow]

How do you deal with a family member who can't respect boundaries being set by children?

We are trying to teach our DD that it is completely fine to say no to kisses and cuddles if she doesn't want them. Children deserve this sort of autonomy but also, when she is a young teen (and older), the ability to feel comfortable saying no to unwanted contact is really important. Even we as her parents ask "can I give you a kiss/cuddle" and if she says no, we just say ok.

There is a family member that does not listen when she says no. She will say no several times and they will do it anyway. Recently this resulted in me removing DD from the family member's company, then when she was playing in another room, I pulled them up on their lack of ability to listen to boundaries set by others.

Later on, other family members said I over reacted and created a really awkward situation. My number one priority is advocating for DD, not people pleasing, but I also don't want to create awkwardness within the family if I can avoid it.

How would you deal with this? Nobody else will say anything to this person and it is me that is the constant "bad guy".

I too find it very sad. Fortunately I have very affectionate grandsons who always want a cuddle from granny when we meet or say goodbye
What's sad about allowing children to have bodily autonomy?
😕

I don't think anyone has said nobody should ever give or receive kisses and cuddles, just that a fairly basic principle of consent is applied.

It's no wonder so many adults have screwed up ideas of consent in relationships when there's adults out there that think children should be taught to suppress feelings of discomfort incase a whiny, pushy adult doesn't get the physical contact the adult seeks, you know because it's really sad when parents teach their children they can consent or not.

@Maloneyb how did they react when you told them they will get no time ? I'm tempted to have a similar conversation with in-laws but they are only help we have around. Thx

It is creepy when they are forcing their affections on an unwilling child. Using a child for personal gratification is creepy.

It was clear that the creepy comment was made after other efforts had been made though. So the other things had not worked.

Hugging and kissing people who want to be hugged and kissed is showing affection.

Trying to force hugs and kisses onto people who don't want them is NOT "showing affection." It's showing that you care about what you want, and you don't care about what they want. That's the opposite of affection. And yes, it is creepy.

To the people on this thread going 'that's so sad, it's lovely to show affection'
It is lovely - when the affection is wanted, but are you seriously saying that you'd happily cuddle a child actively saying 'no' because you want the affection?
And 'well my grandson loves a cuddle' isn't an answer. That's great! What would you do of he didn't, if he liked to show affection in other ways sometimes?

Hugging and kissing people who want to be hugged and kissed is showing affection.

Trying to force hugs and kisses onto people who don't want them is NOT "showing affection." It's showing that you care about what you want, and you don't care about what they want. That's the opposite of affection. And yes, it is creepy.
This 👏👏👏

Some people need to watch the tea video about consent.

It shouldn't be a difficult concept but some adults seem to struggle with it.

I know this is an old thread but I am a big fan of The Setting Boundaries Song (don't think it's been mentioned, apologies if it has!)
My 2 year old sings it - has backfired when I tried to change his nappy and he sang it at me!

There's boundaries and then there's -

'Even we as her parents ask "can I give you a kiss/cuddle" and if she says no, we just say ok.' That's just so sad.

As long as it's not inappropriate, groping or sexual touching, part of growing up was having grandma, whiskers and all, plant a kiss on your cheek and trying not to catch the eye of your sister or brother so that you wouldn't giggle and hurt your very much loved grandma's feelings!

Oh lord, I had your issue over sixteen years ago and I was absolutely lambasted by the exdh family for having ridiculous ideas.

Thankfully there's people like you op coming up the rear making this more mainstream.

Interestingly a lot of my family work in child protection sector and were absolutely onboard. My teen (M, 6ft 3in) always hugs my mum and close family so it doesn't impact their emotional intelligence.

In fact I would say it gave him a head start. In school when they started discussing consent he couldn't believe people hugged, touched without checking.

ChateauDuMont
If the kisses and cuddles aren't wanted then they are inappropriate. That's the point.

If someone declines a kiss, they don't want to be kissed.
If someone swoops in for a kiss knowing the other person doesn't want it, that's inappropriate.

Nobody should be pushed or coerced or guilt tripped or manipulated into having unwanted kisses and cuddles.

I have lots of cuddles from my DC, but if I offer a cuddle and they decline that's ok. I don't want them becoming teenagers and adults who think manipulation, guilt tripping and coercion are acceptable ways to get round consent.

She's 4 so you enforce the boundaries and empower her to as she gets older.

Later on, other family members said I over reacted and created a really awkward situation.

Only appropriate response is....
"No, overbearing relative the only person who made things awkward was you by refusing to accept no for an answer. Please don't do it again. It's so uncomfortable and really inappropriate of you."

Also....the whole daily mail sad face ☹️ "you will make me saaaad if you don't" bullshit gets veryshort shift in this house.

Anything remotely close to this emotional blackmail nonsense gets a "silly <insert name> that isn't true! Everyone knows you are responsible for your own happiness not DD. It doesn't really make you sad and DD doesn't have to hug you! Off you go DD!!!" (followed by Paddington Bear stare and then a follow up conversation about how it's completely inappropriate and they need to pack it in. Period.)

@TheresaWa they try for a little while then stop. Then it’s the same sh*t again

it’s been made clear many times they need to change otherwise there will be no time. One in law is better than the other but they slip up so often.
it’s rubbish but you have to set your boundaries!