Dealing with family members who don't respect child's boundaries

[georgianwindow]

How do you deal with a family member who can't respect boundaries being set by children?

We are trying to teach our DD that it is completely fine to say no to kisses and cuddles if she doesn't want them. Children deserve this sort of autonomy but also, when she is a young teen (and older), the ability to feel comfortable saying no to unwanted contact is really important. Even we as her parents ask "can I give you a kiss/cuddle" and if she says no, we just say ok.

There is a family member that does not listen when she says no. She will say no several times and they will do it anyway. Recently this resulted in me removing DD from the family member's company, then when she was playing in another room, I pulled them up on their lack of ability to listen to boundaries set by others.

Later on, other family members said I over reacted and created a really awkward situation. My number one priority is advocating for DD, not people pleasing, but I also don't want to create awkwardness within the family if I can avoid it.

How would you deal with this? Nobody else will say anything to this person and it is me that is the constant "bad guy".

I would let her know that she had run out of chances and regardless of other people’s opinions, you are the DD’s mum and you make the rules. If you catch her doing it again, then she will be asked to leave (or you will.)

Like it.

@CurlewKate sorry, I didn't mean that all older people don't understand. It's just that for example if I said to my mil about body autonomy she would just dismiss me. My mum (who is actually older than mil) wouldn't dream of hugging any of my dc who didn't want to be hugged but she wouldn't be familiar with the terms like body autonomy, baby lead weaning, elimination communication, schemas etc that most mums who have dc similar aged to mine are familiar with. Same as my friend who has a toddler had to explain to me what a developmental surge was, which turned out to be the same thing as the 4 month sleep regression.

I find this so sad. I hope my children won't see my as some creepy weirdo for wanting to show affection to my grandkids.

There’s another thread at the moment on this exact same topic.

You’re absolutely right and you handled the situation well. You have to deal with people like this firmly because they are determined to get their way regardless of other people’s boundaries. And some people still don’t believe that children should have boundaries, which is awful.

Ignore the other family members telling you that you overreacted. They might be wary of this person and not want to annoy them, or they might just not get it. There are some great comments on the other thread about why you’re right. It would be worth explaining to some of these other family members if some of them would be receptive.

I’m one of many who shudders at the memory of being made to hug and kiss distant family members and friends of my parents. I didn’t even know some of these people. If I resisted I was told off and made to do it, then everyone laughed. Constantly being shown that as a child I had to obey other family members and wasn’t allowed boundaries didn’t work out well for me, let’s put it that way.
Your daughter showed that this person was scaring her and you protected her. I applaud you for that. Mine didn’t and I never forgave them.

Would you force “affection” on your grandkids when they have repeatedly said no to you and are trying to get away from you? Would you wheedle “oh but if you give me a kiss it will make me happy” (i.e. emotional blackmail) when they have said they don’t want to kiss you? Because that’s what the OP is talking about here, not normal showing of affection, a part of which is that the person to whom physical affection is directed consents to receiving it.

Do you believe that you, yourself, have no right to refuse being hugged and kissed by someone? If your father in law or brother in law wants to kiss and hug you, do you believe that you have to let them, even if you don’t want them to touch you?

No. You have (perhaps deliberately?) misunderstood. I called a family member creepy after they repeatedly tried to kiss my child despite them saying no on multiple occasions and wouldnt stop despite my other polite interventions. And I would do it again.

To paint a picture of this recent situation.
"Can I have a cuddle?" "No."
"Have I have a kiss? "No" child then starts walking away from family member, who follows
"Oh but it will make me happy if I have a cuddle, can I have one?" No.
You get the picture. Family member then picked child up from behind

In this situation step in at second no.

"Dd doesn't want a kiss or a cuddle right now.. did you see (insert news tw what ever will distract) "

If it goes to "aww but it will make me happy" go really firm ."xx dd said no you need to respect that"

I doubt you will get comments if you do the distracting the adult toddler technique first as people will notice you tried that first.

However if she does go to picking her up then by all means go mama bear. And point out she had now been told no 4 times twice by dd twice by you.

My DD, 7 & DS, 5 are super affectionate children but it is their choice, and always has been as to how they say hello and farewell to people. We do insist on acknowledging others, but DC choose the form. I am also like that with my teenage nieces.

DS when he was younger around 3/4 years old struck out to stop a relative following him to kiss and cuddle him. Unfortunately, he was carrying a small metal car in his hand at the time, and it made their lip bleed. Me & DS were in the wrong obvs. I thought it was unfair considering he had made it very clear he did not want a cuddle.

From when he was tiny, I’ve always given my DC options regarding interactions - “kiss, cuddle, high five, fist bump, wave”. I’d ask what he wanted in front of the other person, and then he’d decide what he was comfortable with. That way I could demonstrate that he had a choice, and help manage the situation if need be.

I agree with you OP. But do you also teach your child to ask before they hug/kiss family/anyone and to understand that the answer may be "no" and that's OK too?

You didn't make things awkward, they did.

As a small child, all the adults thought it was hilarious for the men in the family - uncles in particular - to grab small children and rub the children's faces with their rough unshaven chins, especially the girls. I hated it. I wish my parents had been like OP.

It was my mother, who would be 103 if she were still alive, who explained to me that forcing children to accept unwanted hugs and kisses from adults opens them up to CSA.

Explain this to your relatives, pointing out how predators take advantage of complaint children.

I find this so sad. I hope my children won't see my as some creepy weirdo for wanting to show affection to my grandkids
You won't be seen as a creepy weirdo for showing affection to your grandkids.

You might be seen as a creepy weirdo if you end up being the sort of adult who thinks teaching children consent isn't appropriate and their priorities should be to validate adult feelings and adult needs for the right experience.

Look at the thought process: I want to kiss this other human, but they've said politely that they don't want to be kissed. But I want to kiss them. Come on, let me give you a kiss. It makes me sad when you want let me give you a kiss. I'll just grab you and pull you close for a cuddle and try to kiss you after you've already said no. I can see you're struggling and don't want this contact but it's all about me and you exist to validate me so if i want a kiss you should let me kiss you. Humfph! Someone's pointed out that you don't want to be kissed and I should respect that. BUT I DON'T WANT TOOOOO. I WANT A KISS! LET ME GIVE YOU A KISS!!! I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T WANT IT. I WANT TO SO YOU HAVE TO!
(later on to other people) "Can you believe they made a scene. It was just a kiss and I just wanted to show I cared. They made such a big deal of it. I can't believe I'm being made out to be weird".

We taught our DS to shake hands with people. They were so gobsmacked they forgot they hadn’t had the kiss and cuddle. He always thanked people politely for gifts. As my GP said ‘do you want to kiss and cuddle everyone you meet?’

After I gave my niece respect for her boundaries she ended up coming to me on the third day of my visit. It felt very special, like a gift she was giving.

I see you’ve met my stepmother…

If you called me creepy for wanting to show affection to your child it would be the last you saw of me which is presumably what you want. “Rosie isn’t fond of hugs” would work much better and be kinder to your relative. Why not encourage blown kisses and waves instead of physical contact.

I too find it very sad. Fortunately I have very affectionate grandsons who always want a cuddle from granny when we meet or say goodbye.

Well done on teaching your DD abput this. I'm a child of the 70s and was forever being told to kiss/hug whoever. My own DD was brought up like yours - she chose whether she wanted a hug or a kiss. The only one to complain was my own DF, but we just kept reiterating that DD had the right to choose.

Would I call someone 'creepy' if they insisted? Definitely, if it would work. We did ask my DF how he would feel if he was forced to kiss or hug someone, it took far too bloody long a while but he eventually got it.

Stand your ground. You are doing the right thing.

What age / relationship / sex would you force your child to give out kisses and cuddles?

Your DD is very lucky you are her mum OP.

Do not let the family member gas light you over this, your instincts are spot on and you are right to stand your ground as children have every right to not have their personal space invaded, when ever it suits others, it must suit the child first and for most and thats' my policy. I used to find this vulgar when I was a kid, so it's very refreshing to read your post.

Don't let the family member make you second guess yourself, you are on the right track.

Cold sores. Don't let people kiss your children.