I'm not enjoying being a mum

[emnoneya]

I'm really not. The unpredictability of it. I keep trying to tell myself it will get better and it won't be like this forever, but what if it doesn't get better? What if it is like this forever?
My DD is 9 weeks old and I thought after 8 weeks it started to get better but she still whines for no reason, you think she's happy then all of a sudden she's irritable. She's been fed, changed, cuddled and she still whines. Not knowing if shes going to be easy to put to sleep one night to the next, will I be up with her until god knows what time trying to put her sleep? Will she be up at 3am or will she sleep until 5am? Will she cry if I take her out for a walk in the pram today? If we go out for a meal how long will it be before she gets fed up and starts crying? When does she want feeding next? Do I feed her before I go out or while I'm out?
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I really wanted to enjoy being a mum and I thought I'd be good at it but I feel like I'm just scraping by every day. I talk to her all the time and she smiles at me, then the next minute she's frowning at me. I miss my old life, I miss my freedom, I want my own time back, I feel like I've made a mistake and then I feel awful for thinking like that. I feel tired and like I can't be bothered, I just want her to leave me alone but at the same time I don't want to be away from her.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. I could have written your post almost six years ago now. I found the transition from 0-1 child so so much harder than 1-2, despite what everyone says. I missed my life, my freedom, my identity.
I promise you it gets better. I won't say it gets easier because it changes all the time and new challenges arise but you become more confident in your own instincts.
Looking back I wish I'd done two things earlier:

1. allowed myself to let go and just roll with it - things have changed, you can't control your baby, all you can do is care for her and roll with the emotions/issues that arise. Finding peace with the lack of predictablility is a huge step towards eventually reaching a place where you might find some joy.
2. got therapy early. I eventually did at 9 months but I really needed it from wwek2. We had a tough start too on SCBU ans with some medical issue, and I wish I'd admitted earlier thst I needed mental health support. I hope this helps you feel less alone. I'm not a mum to a 5 (almost 6) yo and a 2yo and I mostly really love it now. Couldn't imagine having said that at the. E finning

*beginning

Nothing can prepare you for how much you lose when you become a mother, and yes it might sound contradictory because you gain a whole human, but everything changes and your life is no longer yours.
It’s okay to feel this way, after all,
you’ve been through a huge transition and it takes time for you to adjust. My son is 14 months now and I still find it hard but I feel more like myself than I did in the newborn stage.
It will get easier I promise. And next year when she’s running up to you saying ‘I love you mama’ it will all feel so much more worth it.
sending hugs xx

All normal. I started absolutely loving life and motherhood when my eldest turned 10 months as that's when his sleep improved. I know that feels a lifetime away for you now but just try to survive / hang in there as best as you can. The other day my ds who is now nearly 5 said I am the best mummy ever. You have all this and much more to come babies are tough.

I was googling adoption services when DS was that age. It’s a ghastly phase for many people. Don’t panic. It gets better.

At 9 weeks being a good mum and just scraping by every day are absolutely not mutually exclusive things! You’re right in the thick of it just now, just keep breathing and believe that it does get better.

Totally agree with PP as well. Not trying to track or control or expect any sort of a routine at all - it’s a load easier when you just lean in to the uncertainty and surrender to the chaos! Everything you’ve said, all the ambivalence sounds totally normal and like you’re doing a great job. If you feel like it might be sliding into PND though there is help out there.

Honestly it's so so hard. It's difficult to see it now but it does get better. You are not alone, I struggled massively!

I'm so sorry to read this. Two things stand out to me - get some support from a local parenting charity or council/HV team and your GP.

Whilst a lot of what you describe is normal that doesn't mean it's not hard and you may feel so different with support including perinatal mental health.

I'd also like to gently challenge your belief that your baby is crying for no reason. Babies will cry for reasons you don't understand, but they are trying to tell you something. It could be, the label on this vest is itchy, I'm feeling a draft, there's a strong new smell in the house etc. Your job is to go through the usual checklist of hunger, nappy, temperature, boredom/desire for a change of scene and cuddles. Then if you still can't figure it out you don't have to make your baby happy, just comfort them as they're sad if that makes sense.

Unpredictability isn't going away and your baby will become a toddler then a teen with their own ideas and plans and chaos. So learning to go with the flow and find healthy coping strategies if you don't like that is essential for your well-being and your baby's.

1. allowed myself to let go and just roll with it - things have changed, you can't control your baby, all you can do is care for her and roll with the emotions/issues that arise. Finding peace with the lack of predictablility is a huge step towards eventually reaching a place where you might find some joy.

See I was going to say the opposite.
Routine was what saved my sanity.
It took some time to establish but it was worth it.
It meant I knew, within a reasonably small window, when she would be hungry/tired/bored etc etc.
It’s not always popular on here and some people would say I was a bit anal but it kept me from going crazy!

Completely normal to feel this way. Having your first baby blows your world apart - I spent most days wondering what the f**k I’d done and why hadn’t someone who cared about me stopped me from ruining my life! I wish someone had told me how normal and okay it is to just survive the tiny baby stage. It doesn’t mean you have PND or you aren’t cut out to be a mum or anything like that.

Let go of the idea of a set week or month when things ‘get better’. It’s more gradual, you find your grove in your new life as the dust settles and you start accepting your new normal. Difficult phases never go away but you cope with them better as you get more confident and more experience.

So much easier said then done (I drove myself to despair trying to predict DS’ every move as a newborn) but try and go with the flow a bit. At 9 weeks, they do mostly whatever the hell they want. You will be tired and your baby will cry and some days every single thing will go wrong. Don’t waste to much time trying to ‘fix’ these things - just try and roll with it.

And you genuinely won’t have a 9 week old forever even though you are in the tenches at the moment. They change so much and before you know it you are slapped in the face with the next phase. Toddlers are absolutely epic and sometimes literally slap you in the face.

Thank you everyone for your responses. Sometimes I wish I could see into the future and see what life will be like 9 months down the line and know everything is going to be okay and I will enjoy life again.

Firstly, thank you for your honesty. I feel like most (if not all) new Mum’s feel like this at some point in those very early days but hardly anybody speaks up about it so when we do feel this way we feel guilty as we think we’re the only ones who feel like this. When I had my 1st DD I was so happy to have her and so sad that I’d never get my ‘old’ life back in equal measures. I also really struggled with feeling not as close to my husband as before she was born. I missed him even though he was right there but it felt different. This sounds so dramatic and OTT but I felt almost like I was grieving my old life and how our relationship used to be. I thought I was the only mum who felt this way until I was chatting to a friend one day and she said she felt the exact same way as me when her DD was born. I was so relieved to hear someone felt the same! Fast forward and I’m now a mum to 3 children (all aged 4 and under!) and I don’t feel like that at all. It DOES get better, I promise x

Oh the newborn stage is HARD. There was lots about it I didn’t enjoy. Now my daughter is 15 months. She is so funny and playful and just a joy to be around (though she does have the odd mini tantrum and obviously that’s just the start!). It gets easier I promise!

Babies are HARD. I did not enjoy the baby stage at all with my first. I counted down every milestone hoping it would be better when he was 6 weeks, 4 months, 6 months etc. It turned around at 6 months for us. When he was interactive, breastfeeding more efficiently, eating more food and he was generally happier. Then when he started walking right before 1 it was so much better. I genuinely think he hated being a baby.

Hang in there. At this age they're so portable (yet widely unpredictable) so do the things you want to do. It's such effort to leave the house with a baby but it really makes a difference. Baby/mum groups to meet other mums are great because it reaffirms you're not alone in what you're going through. I found it so valuable to have mum friends with babies the same age for that first year. (My son is now 4 and I'm still only close with 1 of them).

I'd also recommend getting a good baby carrier so you can pop baby in if they get fussy in the pram. I often pushed around an empty pram as he just wanted to be held/carried. All. The. Time.

I'm currently on mat leave with baby number 2 and it's a complete different experience this time around.

It's still early days, and the tiredness from lack of sleep and the stress of an unsettled baby can be very exhausting, it will affect you mentally and physically.
Look after yourself eat properly to gain your energy, rest when ever she is sleeping. Are you a single mum? If not can dad help out more, can your family help for few hours in a day so you can get some time to yourself.
Trust me this stage feels the longest but it will pass, you will find it much easier later on and she will hopefully get into a good routine and start to settle more.
Good luck stay strong 🙏

I also felt like you. It's so hard. I remember thinking what have I done to my life? I definitely felt like I was scraping by.

Things which helped me a bit were going for a walk at least once a day with baby in the pram (hopefully going to sleep). Trying to put in a mini routine, for myself mostly, like giving her a bath. I also had a bouncer which she liked. Playing baby bum songs on Spotify. Will she take a dummy?

You have to believe everyone when they say it gets better. It does, bit by bit.

@emnoneya I could have written your post word for word when my DD was born. I didn’t have PND. I just missed my old life and the control I had over things. She’s almost 14 months now and we had a VERY hard day today and again I found myself missing my old life! What I don’t think anymore, and it’s something I used to think every day, is that I ruined my life. I hark back when it’s tough - like today - and think “oh I miss those times” but I don’t feel that anger and regret and sadness and resentment anymore.

You hit the nail on the head, it’s the unpredictability. I couldn’t cope with it, and I still really struggle at times despite it being 1000000 times better now. I couldn’t sleep, because I was waiting to be woken up. I couldn’t go out, because I was worried she’d kick off about something and I wouldn’t know what it was. I wanted space, so I’d go out but then I would feel guilty and all I wanted was to be back with her. It was awful. I couldn’t do it again, we’re only having one child. Mine had reflux too so as well as the above she was constantly throwing up over everything and everyone. Oh and I found out I had breast cancer when she was 16 weeks so with that in the mix as well the whole thing was a total nightmare. I didn’t do the whole baby group thing as I was either recovering from surgery or mid-chemo and I just didn’t have the energy to make small talk with women I didn’t know just because they also had a small angry person (I’m not a baby person at the best of times…)

BUT. We got in a routine. I know when she is going to wake up and go to sleep now, 9 times out of 10. She has a personality, I know it and I love it and that means I can prevent/stop meltdowns most of the time AND I enjoy spending time with her because she is developing a sense of humour and I see it building every week. She hasn’t thrown up since she was weaned, so I feel like we can go anywhere we like now (yippee). She hugs me back and it’s wonderful. She brings me things to show me. She BEAMS at me when I walk into a room. She pointed out a duck and a mouse when asked in a book today and I was so beside myself with pride I couldn’t think straight 😂 I think she’s the most beautiful little thing I’ve ever seen. And, like I said, I am NOT a baby person 😂 yes I can’t wait for her to be a child and not a baby - but I don’t feel like my life is over anymore, and you won’t either. It’ll be okay. ❤️

My DD is 9 weeks old and I thought after 8 weeks it started to get better but she still whines for no reason

There has never been a 9 week old who "whines" for no reason. There is always a reason and it's because they need something important for their survival/wellbeing. There are lots of resources out there to learn about the different cries a small baby makes and why.

@Aquamarine1029 some babies do cry for non obvious reasons. Fed, changed, winded, clean, right temperature, and they still cry - likely because they’re overtired (mine did) but when she was that tiny she’d fight sleep and I hadn’t yet learnt how to settle her for sleep in the evenings. I used to say she was crying for “no reason” because I was bloody knackered and I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong when I’d done “all the things” i.e nappy, milk, temperature, cuddle etc. I don’t think the OP is looking for judgement on her use of language. She’s recovering from birth, exhausted and overwhelmed, and needs reassurance other mothers have been where she is.

I said nothing judgmental, just factual. Nine week old babies do not "whine." They cry because the have needs that need to be met.

Same! I struggled massively too. Mine is 8 now - you literally blink and they're at school. I appreciate that's hard to envisage right now.

Things do change so rapidly, there will be tough times ahead too but also a lot of great times.

@Aquamarine1029 the OP is clearly struggling and looking for support. Perhaps you didn’t intend to sound judgemental but your comment reads that way. Had I read your comment when I was struggling myself, I would have felt even worse. Another poster upthread made a similar point to you re babies crying for a reason, but it was done in a gentler way. Sometimes, when you’re tired and broken, you don’t use your best language and I’m sure what the OP means is “my baby is crying and I don’t know why because I’ve tried everything I can think of and it’s upsetting me and stressing me out” rather than “my baby is crying for no reason”. After all, if she didn’t give a damn she wouldn’t be posting on here, would she.

My heart goes out to you @emnoneya

I wonder if you might find some useful info on this page and then scroll to Family Lives which also has a help line.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/support-and-services/services-and-support-for-parents/

Totally normal way to feel. Each stage comes with different challenges but as they get older and give more back it's much more rewarding. Be kind to yourself, allow the opportunity to mourn your previous life. And try to enjoy and savour the nice moments when you can

yip me too!