I'm not enjoying being a mum

[emnoneya]

I'm really not. The unpredictability of it. I keep trying to tell myself it will get better and it won't be like this forever, but what if it doesn't get better? What if it is like this forever?
My DD is 9 weeks old and I thought after 8 weeks it started to get better but she still whines for no reason, you think she's happy then all of a sudden she's irritable. She's been fed, changed, cuddled and she still whines. Not knowing if shes going to be easy to put to sleep one night to the next, will I be up with her until god knows what time trying to put her sleep? Will she be up at 3am or will she sleep until 5am? Will she cry if I take her out for a walk in the pram today? If we go out for a meal how long will it be before she gets fed up and starts crying? When does she want feeding next? Do I feed her before I go out or while I'm out?
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I really wanted to enjoy being a mum and I thought I'd be good at it but I feel like I'm just scraping by every day. I talk to her all the time and she smiles at me, then the next minute she's frowning at me. I miss my old life, I miss my freedom, I want my own time back, I feel like I've made a mistake and then I feel awful for thinking like that. I feel tired and like I can't be bothered, I just want her to leave me alone but at the same time I don't want to be away from her.

She’s still very young, they’re mostly unpredictable at this stage, try not to try to control things and. just go with it. Easy to say but it’s just how things are, it does get easier tho. It also sounded like you could have some postnatal depression and getting help for that will make a difference. Being a mum is really hard work and it doesn’t come easy to lots of people but mostly isn’t spoken about as you are supposed to glide into it effortlessly and we all feel alone if we don’t

I only started enjoying being a mum when first turned 9 months old. He started moving and was able to entertain himself for a bit which meant less whining and crying. When he hit 14 months and started walking it became fun too. He's now 3 and a wee joy and I've had a second who is 4 months old. Hang in there. Early days are tough

OP, have you tried putting her in a sling sometimes? . It can really help with some unsettled babies

Go easy on yourself.
Being a mum isn't really very fun. There's a hell of a lot of sacrifice and it's really really hard to get used to it, especially at the beginning.
9 weeks is so new, you are both getting used to each other. Give it time

As someone who had a horrible time with baby one, and an ok time with baby two I have some insight for you...

No one is having fun all the time.
Social media is fake.
Other people's anecdotes are tiny snap shots of their day and they only share what they feel is shareable.

EVERY mum has had shit minutes, hours, or days and you need to find the ones on your level - that won't lie to you and pretend their lives are rosy. Then you won't feel so alone.

As for your baby - there is no advice. Babies do whatever the f they want so ignore all the "perfect mums" giving you advice

Youre doing a brilliant job
You'll both make it through

I’ve got older kids so had forgotten how hard it is but looked after my friends daughter who is the same age, she would only stop crying if I held her in the “tiger in a tree hold” and patted her bum constantly. I only had her for a few hours but I cried after she was gone as I was so overwhelmed. It does get easier I promise!

I'm so sorry this is your experience. I'm 8 months in with my first! First thought was... did you have a traumatic birth??

Please be open minded. I'd say that's the biggest help! And by the sounds of it you haven't really found a routine that works for you. Honestly don't get yourself stressed over it there's loads of people and things to help. Think about how your feeding your baby should be following some sort of every 2-4 hours if bottle feeding. Breast fed they can latch for forever. I think you need to speak to your health visitor. Or your partner if he's around.

How do I have a routine with a 9 week old? I was under the impression that wasn't possible until they're at least 4 months old so you can tire them out with toys etc ready for a nap.
She feeds every 2/3 hours ish depending on how much she has of each bottle.

My baby is 7 months old now and I am enjoying him more and more as he grows older. My sister has just had a baby and the thought of trading places with her makes me shudder! I hadn’t realised how much I had struggled until I started to reflect on those first few weeks and I realise with hindsight that I was feeling an intense sort of homesickness for my life pre-baby, and the time I started feeling better was when my new life started feeling like home again, if that makes sense?! For me that took about 4 months, but everyone is different. My advice is to be kind to yourself - it’s ok to be struggling and not to be loving every second and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby. You’ve taken a very healthy step by acknowledging that you’re struggling - can you speak openly with friends/family who might be able to support you to take a bit of time back for a few hours of feeling like your normal self doing something you enjoy? Hang in there, the first weeks are the darkest but you have sunshine coming!

Oh OP I was you about 3 years ago when my DS was the same age!

There is so much to mourn when you have a baby - it’s touted to be the most magical time of your life but I had severe shock and whiplash!

You lose your freedom, identity and sense of self all in one go and to top it off you have this tiny little life that relies on you 24/7.

I know it doesn’t give you any immediate relief but as mummy to a toddler now I can promise you it absolutely DOES get better! I’m not saying it gets miraculously completely the same as it was before but little by little you’ll find your independence come back, you’ll settle into a routine as your DC gets older and as you all settle into life before.

the first year in particular is incredibly unpredictable - full of leaps and growth spurts. If you haven’t already, download the Wonder Weeks app. It tells you when DC will be coming up a major developmental leap which predominately dictates much more unpredictable behaviour for a few weeks.

I was in your shoes - I honestly went into such a dark place. But while some days are still unpredictable and no routine is ever 100% written in stone, things are so much easier now. We get out and about much more, he plays with other kids and has friends and will play by himself for half an hour at a time!

the day will once again come when you drink a hot cuppa!

hang on in here and please don’t be afraid to seek help from family and friends if you need a break.

I felt the exact same in the beginning, I hated the newborn phase. Felt like I'd made the worst mistake imaginable, I cried daily. Really really couldn't get my head around how much my life had changed, it was so shocking. My gosh it was the hardest time of my life. But people aren't lying when they say It does get better! I promise. You and baby will soon get into something that resembles a routine with feeds and naps and you will be able to plan your days a little bit better. You will start to understand what she wants and will learn how to soothe her or how she likes things, and that will make things easier.
If your making it through each day, at 8 weeks, you are a good mum. You're doing an amazing job, your dd smiling at you says just that. Being a mum is so hard. My dd is 8 months and some days are an absolute breeze, naps are perfect, feeds go well, she eats her meals well etc. and I feel like I'm smashing motherhood. Other days it all goes to shit, naps go badly, I don't time her meals well enough so shes too tired to eat or it's too close to her milk feed so she's too hungry, I don't manage leaving the house other than walking the dog and she's super fussy, but those days are still a lot easier than the newborn days. Hang on in there, you will soon start feeling like you know a bit more and feel more confident in your ability. Also she will become so stinking cute that you won't be able to resist her!!

So normal OP. I felt exactly like you did when my baby was 9 weeks. My baby has colic and reflux and I found it so so hard, wondered what I had done and why I ruined my lovely free life. DD is 1 now, and whilst there are still challenges she is an absolute joy and I for the most part enjoy being a mum now. Took me a while to get there. You’ll get there, it gets easier I promise

Also want to add that my dd has reflux and had colic until 12 weeks. She screamed bloody murder for hours and hours every night. It was fucking hellish, so if you did is crying for more than 3 hours at a time, more than 3 times a week, that is colic and even my hv said it's absolutely brutal for parents in the beginning.

Getting out the house is helpful.

It changes so fast at this age, every week is a new problem and / or a new solution. Something that used to work stops working or you find something new that baby likes.

Re routine; you can do a bedtime routine at this age. Bath, story, feed, bed.

Books will tell you after that to put baby in the crib 'sleepy but awake' so they can self settle. Most babies don't do this though it's worth a try. After we started the routine I fed mine to sleep then put them in the crib at the same time each night.

Also if you believe all their needs are met, a small amount of crying is not the end of the world. I may get flamed for saying so! Baby number 2 learns this more quickly as it's sometimes 5 minutes before you can get to them if you are right in the middle of helping your older child.

You’re in the hardest part. I thought my life was over. At 12m he suddenly morphed into a toddler and I refound my mojo! Hang in there. They become more predictable as they grow up and get into the rythym of being alive. Take Small steps to feeling like yourself again both physically and mentally. It will come even though when you’re at the stage you are it’s overwhelming and they need so much from you. Just keep breathing and take each day as it comes.. it will get better! Congrats on your bubba. At the point you’re at I was in a complete head fog but 9m it took a huge leap forward and again at about 12m, now he’s a delight to be around and I’m feeling like myself again. Xxx

Ah yes we do have a little bedtime routine. We have our bedroom dark with a red light on and we feed her in bed in silence, she nearly always drops off to sleep and then has been sleeping through until 5am but does have the odd night she wakes at 3am.
She honestly isn't a difficult baby. She doesn't cry all day long but she can be very irritable, especially in the evening. Although she does have days where she's irritable all day - I assume that's the age she's at.

Oh op, this sounds exactly how I felt last year! My baby was a few weeks old and I was still crying in the shower thinking I’d ruined my life, my husband’s life and this poor baby’s because no good mum would feel/think this way. I was distraught and couldn’t believe I’d ever thought I wanted this! In hindsight I do think I had a touch of something more than just “baby blues” but post natal care is pretty dire so it wasn’t picked up. I wish I’d spoken more honestly to the health visitor but I did find my way out of it. I just feel sad/guilty that I didn’t really enjoy the newborn stage.

I found things improved around 12 weeks as a lot of issues like reflux, evening unsettledness, crying hysterically in the car etc resolved themselves but I’ll be honest, I didn’t start to enjoy motherhood until baby was 9 months and I went back to work part time! Now he’s almost a year and we had a lovely day together yesterday and he’s got such a fun personality. I think so much of it is to do with sleep. I look back now and shudder at how physically ill I felt at times because of the constant waking/feeding/settling. Mine still doesn’t sleep through the night (had 3 glorious weeks where he did and now we’ve gone back again) but he only wakes once and it means we get two decent blocks either side of his wake. Life is SO much more bearable when you get 5 straight hours!

I’ll be honest though. Going back to work really saved me. I couldn’t have coped being at home full time for a year and in hindsight I would’ve probably benefited from going back sooner. Maybe about 6 months. I’m just not cut out for being at home with a baby all day -I applaud those who do it because it’s A MILLION times harder than being at work -and I have a fairly full on job.

i also find the day passes much quicker if you’re out and about. Even going to the supermarket or driving somewhere to go a walk with the pram. Baby classes are a must if you can afford them because you get to speak a little to other adults! Once your confidence builds with that, you’ll hopefully notice a big change for the better too. I tried to get out somewhere every day once I had the confidence for it.

Hang in there! I’m 11 months down the line and I now get to go to work 3 days, play my sport twice a week, have an occasional evening/afternoon out with friends and still spend lots of quality time with my baby. I do still look at childless people with a bit of envy (what is it like to just grab your keys and head out the door on the spur of the moment??) but nowhere near as much as I did in those early days.

I hope things get better for you too. So many people told me to just hang in there until 12-14 weeks and it was true, it was a turning point for us. Good luck!

I'm sorry things are tough right now. You're in the thick of it, you've a brand new 24 hours a day job with no training and are expected to do it on very little sleep. It's exhausting and frustrating and brilliant and difficult all at once. There will be time to do the things you used to do, but just not right now.

I found the idea of the 4th trimester really helped me. For the 1st three months the only expectation I had was that we'd get to know the new baby, try and figure out the basics (bath time, feeding, outings, sleep etc) and I would recover from pregnancy and birth as best I could. Everything else could wait.

In the very short term, we use an app called Huckleberry and it's been a great help. It means if the baby is fussy I can see if it might be because she hasn't been changed in two hours or she might be due a feed. It also has a nap predictor that is a godsend! I don't know how it does it but we started tracking her sleep when she got to 3 months and now it predicts when we should put her down for a nap or for bedtime and she sleeps great most of the time. Good luck!

OP I deeply regretted having my DC for probably the first 3 months, asked DH if we could have her adopted, considered running away etc. Then I had a period of a few months where I was ok she existed but wouldn’t do it again. Then around a year, I was fully glad she existed and would do it again. I love her to bits now (almost 5) and can’t imagine life without her. I didn’t dislike her that whole first year, but it probably took until she was 6-8 months old before I really felt like a real human again. When she started napping 2x a day really reliably that was a game changer, I felt like I had so much free time! Stopping breast feeding at a year was big too, I felt so tethered because she would never take a bottle.

If she's irritable in the evening it's possible that more naps or an earlier bedtime would help,

Irritable normally means tired, hungry or in pain.

What you have written is what many feel just don't say. I found it a super lonely time.
I think people have already given great feedback. It does get easier (a new challenge then happens over the years whether its teething, toilet training 1st day of nursery, school and rushing to work and trying to be at every event). But you do get to the point where you realise you are doing you best and that's great. If people make out there super mum or appear to, then good for them but I am sure they have they have their own things going on. And that little DD loves you, your the most important thing in their life.

I didn't really enjoy it until they turned three. So I outsourced the worst bits, put them in nursery pt at four and five months and went back to work.
Immediately some sense of routine and normality retuned and I felt 100% better.
Now 20 and 18 and all bonded just fine.

I think it’s all been said - but hang in there. Everyone’s experience is different. It’s completely okay to feel how you feel, I’ve been there! The only thing that helped on the really hard days was to think short-term - one day at a a time. I just focused on getting through the day.
Once they’re smiling more frequently and start laughing, it gets more rewarding. It’s okay to not feel totally bonded to your baby at this stage because it takes time for many of us. For some it comes right away and that’s fine, for others it takes a while, that’s fine too. For some people enjoying parenting could take years, for others, days, for others, a few months. You will find your own way. I can tell that you care, and that’s all that matters right now. You’re an amazing mother even when it doesn’t feel that way. Two other things that helped me in the baby stage:
The wonder weeks app - helps explain why they go a bit crazy for a few days just when you think they’re settling down
Precious Little Sleep - the best baby sleep book that I read. Very funny and not preachy. It really helped us to get into a routine when the time was right, and build good sleep habits from around 2 months. But don’t put too much pressure on any of this either. You’ve got this! And just know that so many of us are in the same boat, you’re not alone!