I'm not enjoying being a mum

[emnoneya]

I'm really not. The unpredictability of it. I keep trying to tell myself it will get better and it won't be like this forever, but what if it doesn't get better? What if it is like this forever?
My DD is 9 weeks old and I thought after 8 weeks it started to get better but she still whines for no reason, you think she's happy then all of a sudden she's irritable. She's been fed, changed, cuddled and she still whines. Not knowing if shes going to be easy to put to sleep one night to the next, will I be up with her until god knows what time trying to put her sleep? Will she be up at 3am or will she sleep until 5am? Will she cry if I take her out for a walk in the pram today? If we go out for a meal how long will it be before she gets fed up and starts crying? When does she want feeding next? Do I feed her before I go out or while I'm out?
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I really wanted to enjoy being a mum and I thought I'd be good at it but I feel like I'm just scraping by every day. I talk to her all the time and she smiles at me, then the next minute she's frowning at me. I miss my old life, I miss my freedom, I want my own time back, I feel like I've made a mistake and then I feel awful for thinking like that. I feel tired and like I can't be bothered, I just want her to leave me alone but at the same time I don't want to be away from her.

I agree with PP, it’s really tough having a young baby. It’s relentless, and the tiredness is something else.

Get as much support as you can in rl, let people help you. My late MIL was an absolute angel when we had our two, she helped us a lot.

I had two under two, I felt like I was on a constant treadmill, of being pregnant, birthing, breastfeeding. My second baby, wasn’t the same as my first, he was a much more difficult baby, not content in the slightest. And the reason a third was out of the question!

But it does get easier, I promise. The time and the stage pass quickly. Do whatever you need to get through it. I don’t think there’s a mum of the planet that hasn’t struggled at some stage of parenting. Be kind to yourself OP.

@Aquamarine1029 that's a bit nasty

Make sure you are eating as well as you can, resting as much as you can and getting outside every day. If baby is awake and you are exhausted, maybe put blankets down to make it comfortable for you both then lie next to her on the floor, possibly with some music on. That way you can’t roll off a sofa, and you are both safe and you can doze. Keep drinking plenty of water.

I always feel much better when I am clean. You can lie baby on a towel in the bathroom while you take a shower. it doesn’t matter if she cries for a few minutes.

At this age she probably just wants to be close to you. Don’t fight this. I used to try to and it just made us both miserable.

Try and find a local baby group to meet others with babies of similar age. they will understand

Thank you all, it's nice to know I am not the only one who has felt this way. I thought I had adjusted to this new life with my baby, but it seems I am still struggling with it. I do have a partner and he does SO much, when he isn't at work he will do the night so I can get some sleep and when he is at home on evenings and the weekends we do share the load but it does still stress me out a bit when she's unhappy. I'm looking forward to the days where she's more happy than unhappy and we can enjoy our days out as a family of three.
My in laws are more than happy to look after her as well and they have looked after her for us before so we can have some time just the two of us.

I am starting a baby sensory group today and I'm a bit anxious about it but it will be good to meet other mums.

Honestly it's a lot😭. Nothing can prepare you for it. From being just a normal person to being responsible for this tiny crying human for every single thing. I hope you have help. You pretty much have to hunker down and get through it. Enjoy the good cuddly bits and endurebthe shitty bits. Accept as much help as you can get. That's why I Don't understand why in western society family are kept away. In my country, every one rallies round to help with the baby. It takes a village

Honestly it will.

I had a baby who whinged....a lot! I would do all the right things, make sure he was comfortable, he still cried and whinged constantly. I remember taking him for walks and random old ladies stopping me to ask "oh, poor poppet, is he hungry?" And I'd say no, been fed/winded/changed, just whinges anyway!

The doctors/health visitors told me he would improve once he was sitting up/crawling/on solids etc etc, and he didn't. But once he started to walk he transformed into the most laid back toddler you ever did meet. He was an absolute delight from that moment on (and at the age of 25, still is!)

One thing that helped me get through, was seeking company and support from others in the same boat (albeit with less whingey babies!) Are you doing that? I went to every mum and baby group in town, I think I went to one every day. I also sought medical help for my own mental health, as it was affecting me so much.

Good luck, it WILL get better.

Forgot to add, at a later date he was diagnosed with IBS, so I think he probably just had belly ache a lot. I tried all the possible solutions for this at the time but nothing made any difference (I'm sure there's more available now)

My suggestion is get out the house as much as you can and keep yourself busy. Do whatever you like and enjoy... bung rhe baby in a sling and off you go. Museums, cinema screenings, coffee shops with friends, do some DIY, make up, whatever you like. Don't pay the baby so much attention otherwise you can become obsessed. You don't have to feel trapped in the house. Its just a suggestion :)

I could have written this word for word nearly. I have 7 week old boy

Honestly 100% same. Could have written your post.

I will say that it gets a bit easier after about 4 months. It becomes more predictable, they sleep better, they can play nicely by themselves for a bit, etc.

I still miss my old life. I wistfully remember just chilling out all evening watching Netflix, having a lie in, being able to go where I want when I want… I love my son, to distraction, but I don’t enjoy mothering.

I expect we’ll get our lives back when they move out! 😁 In the meantime, you can feel fairly confident that it will get easier over the coming months.

Yup. Normal! It will get better, but it’s brutal or can be! A friend have mine had one amazing DD, a total dream and then had her DS who was the devil incarnate! It will pass, but it’s exhausting. I don’t know anyone that has enjoyed 100% of a newborn, toddler or teen to be honest!

They cry if they have colic /reflux (we had all investigations at the hospital). Told to put in ear plugs and cuddle her. Eventually it just stopped. We put her on solids as soon as we could, I was also put on solids as soon as possible. I don’t care if that’s not the advice now, that’s what we were told to do at the time! No regrets!

Some people just don't enjoy parenting during the early stages. I was one of them. I absolutely hated my life until DD was about 4. I still get stressed but at least I can reason with her now and she's hilarious to be around. You're not alone and you're not abnormal - babies are really hard work.

I think it's responses like this that make it hard for women for whom it DOESN'T get better to speak out

Oh I really feel for you, the newborn stage is so tough. As others have said, please speak to your HV/GP if you're struggling. They'll have heard it all before and will be able to help.

With my first, she settled into some sort of routine around at around 4 months and it got easier from there. I was still winging it (still am now that's she's 6 tbf!) but having a vague idea of when she'd be ready for feeds, naps etc just made everything fall that little bit further into place.

My second was a difficult baby, and for the first year all I could think was that I'd made a terrible mistake and hope that someone would come and take him off me. Once he started sleeping through it got easier, and now he's a whirlwind of a toddler who doesn't give us a moments peace but he's really good fun and brings so much happiness to us.

Hang in there. Take whatever help you can get, whether that's family, friends or professional services, but please please believe that this is the worst part, and although there's no crystal ball to say how long it'll last, IT WILL GET EASIER! The challenges change, but your confidence grows, they start being able to communicate their wants and needs, and your new life will fall into place.

Totally normal - don't worry.

It's an adjustment. A fucking mammothly mega huge adjustment! It took me a good 4 months to come to terms with the lack of autonomy I had (the inability to just nip out to the shop when I wanted really got me!) and I genuinely mourned my old life. Was also the first of all friends to have a baby so they were very much living our old life! I became a lot closer to the NCT mums I met as they were going through it with me. I particularly liked meeting other mums with complete whinge-bag babies like mine.... the ones with perfect snoozing, non-whingey babies that were happy to lie on the playmat for hours I found hard (for my own jealousy... they were lovely ladies but I envied them!).

My baby simply hated being a baby and needed attention constantly. Hated the pram. Hated the car. Didn't ever just lie and play with toys. Hated milk. By the crawling phase (he crawled at 6m thank god) he was a delight. A chilled toddler, and now he's 7yo and great fun and company! Still got a bit of a temper on him, but he's SO much easier! For us, implementing a clear routine for the day (abuot 4m mark) was life changing and I felt like I knew what I was doing and when I could plan to do things in the day. Overall though, I think I'm just not a baby person and I find the motherhood tasks of caring for a baby under 1yr rather boring and draining. I absolutely love it when they start toddling and talking in their cute toddler sentences and mispronouncing words though - for me, those are the days that I sit and wish I could stop time on!

FWIW... I had another one 5yrs later and it was a lot easier! I just gave less shits (as I was so busy running between the two!) and didn't care if he had a bit of a whinge now and then.

I could have written that myself when my first DD was that age. It felt really dark at times, and I honestly thought I had ruined all our lives.

It slowly gets better and easier. People talk about the toddler years being tough, but I have found them an absolute breeze compared to the newborn days.

I've gone on to have another DD (oldest is 6, youngest is 3) and its absolutely lovely. I'd never in a million years have imagined enjoying myself, and having another child when DD1 was small.

Keep an eye on your mood & feelings, and do speak to your HV or GP if its not improving - they are there to help and will have supported many mothers feeling similar.

Your only at the beginning and its HARD. It will continue to be tough until they are at least 2 (but honestly it is soso worth the wait!) you just have to go with the flow, don;t worry to much about things. The age shes at now is the stage you'll miss the most. I have a 5 year old who is a dream she is so polite, loving and just a ray of sunshine (but she was a devil when she was a baby!) and a 20 month old, who is such hard work and has been since day 1. He's slowly getting better but it has been hard. I am literally just waiting for the day he can communicate a better so it makes life easier. you'll get there.

Hi OP, it's so hard when your baby is unhappy. One of my best friends said the most helpful thing to me when DC was little, she said 'you don't hear your baby cry, you feel your baby cry'. I thought it was so true. Apparently when your baby cries the pain centre in your own brain lights up (or something similar anyway). Which I think explains why it's so hard to cope with your baby's unhappiness. But it's all designed like that by nature, so we don't neglect our babies. And I agree with a PP, once you've gone through your list of hungry/nappy/tired etc you don't have to make your baby happy, just be there and give comfort. It's like when we feel rubbish, sometimes we want advice/help/someone to make it better and sometimes we just want someone to be there for us/give us a hug. Sending love 💕💕💕

Ps another fiend's parenting advice was 'we're all just getting by somehow' which I also think is true. No advice/tips/strategies, just an honest muddling through thing

The was a book I read when I had my babies .I think it was called from here to maternity ? By Susie Orbach or something similar. It was made up of descriptions of the experiences of first time mums. I wish they would reprint it or produce an up to date version. It made me feel so much better reading it . And I felt so comforted that the other mum's feelings were so similar to mine .

I found the first year brutal, it did get better after 12 weeks but it wasn't really until out of the newborn stage that I enjoyed any of it. I'm not saying this to scare you, it's meant to be optimistic because now DS is a bit older I absolutely love it. Sure its still challenging at times, but I thought I'd never get through those early days and felt like I'd made the biggest mistake ever.

I felt like this, it's awful :(
My baby woke every 45 mins during the night until he was 6 months old - I was a literal walking zombie...
he moaned or cried or was just generally miserable all day until he was around 12 weeks
But it really does get easier!

It got better for me by about 7 months, and hes slept through (touch wood) from 10 months
I really struggled with it in the early days but hes 13 months old now and a real real joy - has been since 7 months and crawling, he's happy, smiley, chatty and learning stuff every day!

And you know what, id give my left leg to be back at 9 weeks old, holding my tiny baby, knowing what I know now ❤️

I think the thing I found most helpful was thinking that the days are long, but the years are short. I remember a friend telling me before I had ds that you have one child but you actually parent lots of different children - you have the newborn who you're getting to know and who is completely dependent on you and is adjusting to the world, you have a toddler who's gaining their independence when they're not quite ready all the way up to teenagers. So when things are hard, I remind myself that no stage lasts forever. You just need to go with it on the day and do what you need to to get through. That was very helpful when ds had colic and screamed hard every night from 7.30 until 11 and then woke every 2 hrs to feed. It's not easy and it is important to have a good support system around you. I also found learning about wonder weeks helpful when ds was particularly fussy. I try not to worry about how the day will go, at that stage I literally just went with ds and worked reactively to whatever his needs were. When nothing else would calm him I did skin to skin or gave him a bath. When I needed a break I expressed a bottle so dh could step in and I could sleep and shower. It's normal to feel that it's hard and a huge change and even mourn your free time and independence, and it's normal to feel low with it too, but if you are really struggling you can talk to your gp or hv too because while completely normal, you don't want it affecting your mental wellbeing. It sounds like you're doing a great job but putting a lot of pressure on yourself. If you're both still standing at the end of the day then you count that as a success. I keep a list in my phone of small wins that I try to add to every day. It keeps me in check when I'm doubting myself and helps me look for the positives on the days that are particularly hard. I remember watching my friend taking her lo out for day trips etc and thinking how I would ever get to the point of being confident doing that by myself and now I do it without a second thought. It definitely gets better, it just takes time and not comparing yourself to others.

Even at that young age I joined groups like baby massage, breast feeding then at 4 months baby swimming. Got me out, good for baby and made lifelong friends and most importantly kept my sanity!! I also went for a walk every day. Yeah the house was a wreck but as I said I'm off to look after baby, not the house!

I remember the dawning realisation of feeling 'what have I done? Is this my life now forever?' It is so tough in the early days but I genuinely think it does get easier. Mine are 8 and 4, and I think I actually kinda enjoyed the newborn days when my second child arrived. Gradually, things will get better. Your child will start to sleep well and tell you what's wrong. You will start to regain a sense of your old self and you will grow in confidence. In the meantime, never say no to an offer of help and don't be afraid to ask.

When my first was 9 weeks I went to the doctor and confessed I hated him. His reply- of course you do, he’s changed your life, it’s no longer your own, you feel like you’re no longer you you’re just a mum. There is no just being a mum, a mum is more than “just’. He told me to buy a breast pump and go out once a week with my partner or friends and be me let granny be granny just for an evening. He told me to go with flow, just for a little longer, let him rule the what and when, and enjoy it, in time life will settle again soon enough. He also said that the telling word I used was “hate”, if I had gone in and said i didn’t “love” him , then he would be more concerned 😉