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Parenting

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Original poster

The smacking thing - have you asked your children what they think about it?

73 replies

hunkermunker · 21/02/2008 00:10

After a couple of threads on here on the subject (and I realise I'm starting another one!) I asked DS1 about it the other day, calmly. He's 3.10.

I asked him how he'd feel if smacking him was something DH and I did (and reassured him we weren't about to!) as a punishment.

He said, and I quote, "That would make me very sad, Mummy, and it would NOT be very kind at all!"

Have you asked your children how they feel about it, whether you smack or not?

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RosaIsRed · 21/02/2008 00:13

My children believe it is illegal to smack. They don't really believe that people do it.

Tortington · 21/02/2008 00:13

are there still parents on mumsnet who admit they do?

S1ur · 21/02/2008 00:15

I haven't asked, shall I wake her to? no? ok will report tomorrow then?

Let me imagine... she would laugh and say you are teasing me mummy. People don't really hit their children do they!

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MAMAZON · 21/02/2008 00:35

When i was about 8/9 i remember my dad giving my brothers and i the option when we had been naughty.

do you want a smack or no tv/grounded/ removal of toys etc.

we always chose the smack. it was short and sharp and all over in a few moments wheras the removal of priveleges was longer lasting.

that told me (as an adult) that smacking is not as good a punishment as removal of priveleges.

Othersideofthechannel · 21/02/2008 05:55

We witnessed another parent smacking so I asked DS about it later. He said similar things to your DS Hunker.

lollipopmother · 21/02/2008 09:34

Have you asked your children what they feel like when you put them on a time out or take their toys away? How does this differ to how they feel about smacking?

babyinarms · 21/02/2008 10:50

Last week my Ds aged 3.3 hit out at me in temper. After time out (for me as well as him, I needed to calm down as was really angry with him for doing it, but trying not to rise to it) he said sorry and i asked him' 'does mammy ever slap you?'
'No' was the reply.
I said 'Why is ok to slap mammy then?'
He said 'it is'nt ok to slap mammy', then gave me a hug and kiss.
So I suppose time out gives him some time to think of his actions and decide what is right and wrong.
I saw a programme on slapping and a psychologist said that if you slap a child the child dwells on th the hurt/sting of the slap and not the actual reason they got the slap in the first place.
It also teaches them slapping is ok.

Oliveoil · 21/02/2008 10:55

I haven't asked them but when either of them wallop each other (a daily occurance ) I say "we do not hit in this house! Does anyone hit you? No! So do not hit your sister!!!!"

then they say sorry to each other and are friends (until the next time)

I must say I don't do time out or whatever anyway as a) dd1 is vvvvvvv sensitive and was distraught the only time I did it and b) dd2 doesn't pay the blind bit of attention to anything I say

I talk to them like a ponce and explain why some behaviour isn't nice etc

am probably bringing up spoilt madams tbh

margoandjerry · 21/02/2008 10:59

thanks lollipopmother for saying something sensible on this.

I haven't smacked (dd only 16mo) but wouldn't have any particular concerns about it. My DD doesn't like having her teeth brushed but guess what?

As an adult I can say, I was smacked as a child and it was fine. Did me no harm. I hated much more being sent to my room. Do those views count?

Oliveoil · 21/02/2008 11:02

I was also smacked as a child and didn't think it did me any harm

HOWEVER, we are not a close family and I feared my dad growing up so did this have anything to do with it?

but we were well behaved so that is ok then

I don't think you can compare teeth brushing tbh

babyinarms · 21/02/2008 11:05

MandJ...If you hated being sent to your room more do you think that had a better result than being smacked? Just wondering, not argueing a point or anything.
My friend smacks her Ds, who is 4, and i would never judge or comment cos everyone has their own way of reprimanding their kids.

Original poster

hunkermunker · 21/02/2008 11:19

OO, I often think I am bringing up mine in a v similar way to you. Just they'll be southerners Oh, and boys. I say "We don't hit in this house, I don't hit you, you don't hit me and you don't hit each other" to them, very calmly.

I have asked DS1 about time out and he is fine with it - I don't do it very often, but very occasionally remove him from situations (he often takes himself off if he's getting overwrought - once he went and lay on the bottom step and fell asleep, his decision!). But he is aware of the "naughty step" because his cousin gets sent there fairly often.

I very, very occasionally take a toy away (specifically if they fight over something) and put it on a high shelf in our living room. He will then refer to it sometimes and say they can have it back on x day, and tell me why it was put there.

But I'm having some surprising success with telling them to sort it out amongst themselves and saying that I am confident they can reach a decision they are both happy with. I then stay nearby while DS1 tells DS2 what the rules are - and DS2 interjects with yes and no until they come up with something they're both OK with (or until one or t'other gets bored and goes to find something else. This was from How To Talk - my favourite book on this subject

I was smacked and I think it did do me harm, so that's where I'm coming from on this whole thing.

OP posts:

Oliveoil · 21/02/2008 11:25

Southerners????

When mine fight over something/anything/everything I say now then dd1 it isn't nice to do X, Y or Z, how would you feel if dd2 did that etc etc

usually followed by a pout and a strop and then they move on to something else

it it HARD however to EXPLAIN all the feckin time though

it would be easier to smack and say because I said so

but I will carry on with what I am doing so far and see what happens

nailpolish · 21/02/2008 11:29

i feel bad enough when i shout and dd says "mummy please dont shout"

Original poster

hunkermunker · 21/02/2008 11:31

Yes, it would be easier to smack, often.

I do a lot of explaining too.

DS1 and DS2 are often praised for being very polite, well-behaved children, so it's worked so far...

OP posts:

cory · 21/02/2008 11:31

I thought lollipopmother might have a good point there, so I asked my children (11 and 7) how they would feel about smacking as opposed to other forms of punishment. They both said they would feel different about it (ds said 'I would want to hit you back') but were unable to put a finger to why they would feel different. It just seemed to upset them more than the thought of other punishment. Oh well, it's not on the cards, they are getting to an age where parental authority is fairly well established anyway. Not that they never misbehave, but we don't really worry any more that we'll lose control.
I have to say I was never a great one for star charts either, though I know they suit some families. Just never felt right for us. Perhaps because I'm not very organised.

margoandjerry · 21/02/2008 11:31

babyinarms, no it was just because being sent to your room is being in exile. With a smack it was over and done with immediately.

I am not particularly advocating smacking as I think it makes teaching your children not to smack rather difficult.

But I do think the sanctimony it engenders is pretty daft. And I do think the NSPCC campaign against smacking is unhelpful. Many loving parents of our parents' generations smacked without being abusers. Now a quick smack is seen as child abuse because the NSPCC say so. Child abuse is a term which should be reserved for when children are neglected, not loved, not brought up to learn how to live independently and well, not cared for, not encouraged, not nurtured.

Not for when a child is smacked round the legs for ignoring a request not to scribble on the walls again (what I remember being smacked for). My mother could have sent me to my room or she could have smacked me. Neither is abuse.

By the way, I am exceptionally close to my mother and my sisters are the same. But I am 40 now so it was a long time ago. I just think the whole "gasp, child abuse" thing is silly and misses the important point that children are being abused but these children are not the children of loving parents who think a slap round the legs is not the same as abuse.

Oliveoil · 21/02/2008 11:36

I do shout too much I must admit

but I just AM an impatient person and get annoyed at it taking 30 mins to wash hands and go to the toilet etc and why Barbie has to come yadda yadda

Must
Try
Harder

babyinarms · 21/02/2008 11:45

I agree I do think the term child abuse is used too lightly and should be used with extreme caution cos of the negative effects it can have if it is unfounded.

Original poster

hunkermunker · 21/02/2008 11:47

I shout if I'm in a hurry, so I try to build more time into things. DS1 can be a procrastinator though (wonder who he gets that from?!), so he can widdle away that time I've built in which is Very Annoying!

OP posts:

babyinarms · 21/02/2008 11:47

There is a difference between a little tap and a beating....
I am still not going to slap DCs, even though at times ........

Original poster

hunkermunker · 21/02/2008 11:48

I didn't say it was child abuse, fgs.

OP posts:

babyinarms · 21/02/2008 11:51

hunker, i was answering margo.., sorry no intention to offend!
difficult at mo to type with one hand cos baby-in-arms again!

Greensleeves · 21/02/2008 11:55

I've said smacking is abusive lots of times. Smacking is abusive.

To use the term "child abuse" conjures up images of neglect, dirty ragged children with shocking injuries, of course it does. Similarly "child abuser" is assumed to mean a sexual predator, or a persistently violent dangerous person. But sometimes good people do bad things - a good, loving parent can commit an abusive act. That's what a smack is.

But if we use logic instead of knee-jerk hysteria just for a moment, and see that "child abuse" means "abuse of a child" - then assaulting a child by hitting it is abusive. It's always an abusive act to hit another person for punitive reasons, and doubly so if that person is smaller than you, and in your care.

I can't imagine not being able to say to my boys "no, we don't have ANY hitting in this house at all. We use words to solve our differences, and we listen to one another. We don't hurt each other."

If I ever lose my temper and hit one of my boys, I'll be gutted, and I'll apologise. I'll admit I've done something abusive and wrong. I won't be constructing a case for hitting children being a thoroughly good idea, just to keep myself in the right

FairyMum · 21/02/2008 11:55

I haven't asked them, but I have see their confused and shocked reactions when witnessing other parents smacking their children. They know it is wrong to hit and don't understand why an adult is then doing it. Logical I think!

I once did ask DS1 who is 6 how he wanted to be punished when he had done something wrong and his reply was "oh, just put me in the bin mummy".

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