The smacking thing - have you asked your children what they think about it?

[hunkermunker]

After a couple of threads on here on the subject (and I realise I'm starting another one!) I asked DS1 about it the other day, calmly. He's 3.10.

I asked him how he'd feel if smacking him was something DH and I did (and reassured him we weren't about to!) as a punishment.

He said, and I quote, "That would make me very sad, Mummy, and it would NOT be very kind at all!"

Have you asked your children how they feel about it, whether you smack or not?

I think you know what a smack looks like. It doesn't hurt in a lasting way but of course you feel it. If I smacked your leg you would feel it (and be surprised!). It's not a tap.

Ahhh...so it does hurt!

oh fgs.

Yes it sort of hurts but not really. It's not done to cause pain and it doesn't last. It's done to shock.

There's no point if it's so gentle you can't feel it is there? But did my mother abuse me? No she sodding well did not.

Fairymum - I don't know about the age of the kid running into the road I must admit, and you're right, it's not that he was naughty but because he wasn't thinking. But he was told in quite some detail, which made no difference, which makes me ask the question - what do you do to make them understand?

Margo - if you are 'pro-smacking' or trying to defend in any way the actions of a smack I wouldn't waste your time, we must've been through this three times already this week and you won't change anyone's mind.

Lollipopmother, the age is relevant. If it was a toddler then they do run into the road because they have no sense. Its your job to protect them. An older child should understand that roads are dangerous and you dont run into them on purpose. You still have to watch them because they can be impulsive. I have never seen an older child run into the road on purpose to be naughty. If they were so inclined I would be a bit worried about my child tbh.

The question was, "Have you asked your children what they think about smacking?" not "please can you go justify your actions".

TIA.

Oh yes....of course. Guilty of hijacking your thread.

I agree with you lollipop. And as I've said repeatedly, I don't have any axe to grind on this. I am not pro smacking particularly.

But I do hate the ways people speak about it - it does seem to engender a great deal of smugness and sanctimony (that's not aimed at anyone on here btw). And I find that personal experience is never given any credence.

I bet if we all asked our grandparents and their grandparents, they would all say they were smacked. And some were abused. And some were not.

Sorry for hijacking your thread Hunker

I asked ds (nearly 5)

he said "it is very nasty and mean and it makes people very sad. Let's put a sign in our window saying 'Don't smack children' and then everyone will read it and it might change their mind."

I asked him about sending him to his room (which I sometimes do) and he said "it is not nasty but it does make me a bit sad. It doesn't help me do things better but it does help you calm down and not shout."

About shouting, he said "It makes me sad and a bit scared. It isn't as bad as smacking because it doesn't hurt me."

About Naughty Chair (he had never heard of this before) he laughed! And said "Can I have a Good Chair?"

I know this isn't intended as a discussion on discipline but wanted to answer some points made earlier. Some of us don't smack and also try not to use any form of punishment / discipline experienced as punitive. We don't all use time out and naughty chair etc.

No that's brilliant Franny, thanks for asking him. I have gone from being pro-smacking to wondering whether any sort of punishment is the right thing to do. I am really beginning to dread the idea of becoming a parent to be honest.

sorry to gatecrash ladies, I admit haven't read the whole thread, just first page.

Just asked my 13 yr dd original question, and she said

Yoiu're not allowed to and it would laeve marks in us!!

Ha, I think she's got the measure of you Liahgen!

We could spend endless hours discussing behaviour with children.

'what do you think about smacking?'

it makes me sad because the back of my leg stings

'what do you think about making you sit on the step for 5 mins?'

it makes me feel sad and my bum goes numb and I'm excluded from the family and I feel like an outcast.

'what do think about me not allowing tv today?'

it makes me feel sad because I can't watch LazyTown and I think you're really mean and petty.

'what do you think about me shouting?'

it makes me feel sad and really scares me and I fear for my life, I've never seen anyone go so red in the face before

lol at nadine.

How do we dicipline stroppy 13 yr old who thinks her stepfather hates her? Probably a whole new thread.

I don't smack btw.

There's alternatives to smacking and time out. Alfie Kohn's book "Unconditional Parenting" outlines a different way of approaching childrearing that I find to be very respectful to the child, though challenging with a toddler!

I'm not sure you can actually discipline 13y/o's, she'll know her behaviour is bad anyway, the one time I got the tv taken off me was like that - I was quite old by that point and it was like 'well I know I did something wrong anyway, now I just don't have a TV either!'

lol at lollipop mum,

not sure i'm suppose to be laughing at this thread.

It's about time we all lighten up Liahgen so I'll go with your laughing, every thread I go in on this forum always ends up with a smacking debate, it's bloody tiring!

yup, some of us think the whole punishments thing sucks
I do find it hard to be more creative and in tune about discipline rather than just slapping a punishment down, and also not reverting to it especially when tired and cross

the Alfie Kohn books are fabulous - very challenging and thought provoking

just asked ds what DOES help him learn how to behave:

he said "just tell me not to do it"

From our sample of 1, I don't think it works instantly tbh

HA! This whole board would be defunked if it did Franny!

NadineBaggott on Thu 21-Feb-08 14:13:44
"We could spend endless hours discussing behaviour with children.

'what do you think about smacking?'

it makes me sad because the back of my leg stings

'what do you think about making you sit on the step for 5 mins?'

it makes me feel sad and my bum goes numb and I'm excluded from the family and I feel like an outcast.

'what do think about me not allowing tv today?'

it makes me feel sad because I can't watch LazyTown and I think you're really mean and petty.

'what do you think about me shouting?'

it makes me feel sad and really scares me and I fear for my life, I've never seen anyone go so red in the face before "

Note that those of us who did go and ask our children (original research!) did get answers that implied that our kids felt smacking for some reason was in a different category.

Mine couldn't explain why, they just felt it was more upsetting and the one thing that would make them feel revengeful. Perhaps it's silly, but that's how they felt.