Stopping at 2 Kids

[NYCMUM12]

I’ve been going back and forth about to have a third or not for months now (DS 7 and DD 5) and as I approach 39 I feel the risks are too high. We did try, I had a chemical pregnancy a month ago and I was devastated and relieved at the same time. I can give my two now so much attention and they are so happy, there is so much at risk changing out established family. I would love a third and I go back and forth between ideas they all get along and adore each other to the third God forbid has medical or developmental issues and puts a strain on our family and everything changes or someone is always left out, it’s so hard when you don’t know what you will get. Is quality over quantity okay? I guess I’m looking for parents that have older children to let me know I won’t look back in five years and regret not having the guts to go for a third.

We’ve stayed at 2 for all the reasons you’ve mentioned. I’m a similar age to you and have a 3 and 5 year old. I feel blessed with them and don’t want to push my luck! We’re reaching a stage where they’re getting a bit more independent and I’m actually seeing my husband a bit more and feel a bit more like myself and not just a mum of little ones who is permanently covered in food! Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think 2 is a great number and will be stopping at the same.
At their ages now your existing children are unlikely to have that close a relationship with any 3rd baby you had. Until adulthood at least, so it would likely detract from the time / attention they got.
However id disagree with the "risks being too high" at 39 bit. If you're referring to genetic or health issues etc they're still incredibly low. So I wouldn't not have a 3rd based on that alone, but more the impact on the existing life with the 2 I already had.

I have 3.

I've said before on mumsnet that I love him to pieces and he completes our family, but if I knew then what I know now I would have stopped at 2.

And yes, as @Leo227 said, I would not be having a third with that age gap. I’ve got almost exactly 5 years between my first and third and now, with the big one being 11 and the little one being 6, that feels unwieldy at times.

We’re mulling the same decision but one versus two. We’re leaning towards not expanding because there’s just so many cons.

• risk of health problems with another child and having to go through pregnancy / birth etc.
• we want to be able to give house deposits in the future and we can’t afford that for more than one.
• Ditto driving lessons / supporting through uni / hobbies
• holidays would become even more expensive
• Would you need a bigger car / house?

For us, looking at the state of the world we’d rather use resources for current child than risk expanding and giving them less. I dread to think what houses / uni will cost in the future and life is a real struggle starting out without financial support

I have three. Love them to bits.
However, the same as @PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister, there is a gap of almost 5 years between the first and last baby.

I personally wouldn't have a third with a gap of 4 years or more with the last sibling if you are already happy with your family.
I would enjoy my two kids if I was you :-)

@girlswillbegirls @PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister thanks for your insight. I agree with you. I should have mentioned when DD was 2 1/2 I was diagnosed with cancer. All healthy now, and I’m going with everything happens for a reason, but if I hadn’t gotten sick we would most likely have a third now.

I'm sorry to hear that @NYCMUM12.
I also had cancer after my third, it was a nightmare but all sorted now (nearly 10 years ago!). I hope you fully recovered too.

Anyone is different and whatever you decide will be I'm sure the right decision for you and your family :-)

I am happy with my decision but having two children have many advantages. You don't need two hotel rooms for example.
When they are a bit older you can really feel the cost of having three: multiple activities, or camps today, school trips, birthday parties etc.
I do sometimes feel I don't dedicate enough time to each of them.
Best of luck with whatever you decide OP.

@girlswillbegirls I’m sorry you had to go though that as well. I was very lucky that it hardly affected our family and I’m healthy now. I do feel that I was robbed of a chance to have a third timing wise, but coming to peace with maybe God has different plans that I just can’t see yet :). I do fear that my children will one day say they wish we had a bigger family, I just hope I’m not letting them down.

I’m 29 so a bit younger but we’ve decided to stop at 2. I managed to have 2 beautiful intervention and pain relief free pregnancies/births and I feel I’d be pushing my luck to do it again.

I adore babies but logistically it’s also too expensive for things like clothes, outings etc and I would hate my children to miss out on what we can give them now (well soon again once I’m off SMP!) by having another.

We’ve also had an awful time of possible reflux / CMPA which we still don’t know for definite with our second which has put immense strain on us as a family and is causing attention seeking behaviour in our eldest so honestly, I don’t think we could do it again, especially when I had PND the first time.

what would the third give that the first two haven’t? There isn’t any need for more and more it’s vital to leave some space mentally to be able to even deal with the unknown. It’s hard to be a child these days and they may need more support than you might think as they age.

I desperately wanted three for years but stuck with two. Glad I did now. I’d have spread myself too thin.

We were in your position a year or so ago op, both really wanted a third, but ummed and ahhed about it so long, and there was always a reason it wasn't the best timing. Fast forward to now... We have a 6 & 8 year old, and life is so "easy" on the whole now, I wonder if maybe not having a third was meant to be. I'm back at work during school hours, we have lots of willing babysitters, as the kids are at an age where they're fun to be around, and not likely to cause any issues, and life just seems... calm. We've just been away for a week, and watching families lugging around baby equipment and wrangling toddlers into highchairs in hot weather, made me feel really grateful that ours are at a much more self sufficient, compliant age, and we actually had such an enjoyable time away. I do still sometimes think, what if... And maybe we still should, but I really don't think I'd cope with the stress of going back to the baby/toddler stage again. And the age gap, concerned me most. Having two close together now means ours are very easy to entertain, (they mostly entertain eachother!) and I know there would have to be so much compromise for everyone if a baby was suddenly thrown into the equation. Plus, another 5 years of juggling maternity, nursery, preschool etc, before I could settle back into work properly really puts me off. I won't say I'll never regret not having another baby, as I think I always will slightly, I just wish we'd thought about it when dd2 was still a toddler, as it would have been easier to manage the age gaps as they grew. Although, at that time, having a toddler and a preschoolers, the last thing I was thinking about was having another baby, as I was exhausted! Financially, and for the wellbeing of our existing children, I do think sticking with two was the sensible decision, but I don't know if that was the right one or not. Think I'll always long for a bigger family, and seeing how grown up ours are now, it does make me emotional thinking about how quickly those precious early years went, and how I'd love to go back there for a day and just embrace the mess and the mayhem once more.

Be lucky you have two. I'm your age and can't have any.

@DiaNaranja i completely agree! It’s always head over heart right? Some days I think our current children would adore a baby and other days I think it would burden them. I also 100% agree our family trips are lovely and easy and I’m fully aware a baby would not help that situation. But then I dream of a big family at Christmas or 10 years down the line and like you would love a big family. I’m also a SAHM and I have no plans or desire to go back to work. Two is completely safe and easy and perfect, I wish the itch for a third would just go away!!

@ivfregret i am so so sooo lucky. My heart breaks for you, it must be so difficult. When my youngest was 2 I was diagnosed with cancer and lost three years of even trying for a third. Different situation than you, but I completely understand when you think your life will go one way and then it goes down another path you have no control of. I think of women in your situation often and the strength you must have.

This. I don't have experience as I only have one by choice, but my aunt has three and apparently the logistics are much harder, transport, holidays etc.

I have two kids and felt a desire for a third. But I was 40 and it felt risky. So we made a conscious choice not to have a third. 15 years down the track I don’t regret it at all. Life is easier, cheaper, I can put as much effort into my second child’s milestones as I do my first.

I am a third child as is DH and we know a lot of people with three. By the time the third is going through school the parents are over it and just want them to be finished.

I think the key is to own the decision and move forward positively. Some people will always have a hankering for another baby but you have to draw the line somewhere.

Oh and third babies do not always just fit in and sleep wherever they are. My MIL would have told you that is crap - my DH was a holy terror apparently!

I think you waited too long for #3, it wouldn't be a good idea now.

I’m going to go against the grain here. We have a 3 month old, 6 year old and 8 year old. I always wanted a third and she has completed our family. Her older siblings adore her and don’t want to away from her. Their relationship is lovely and just seems to be blossoming the more she can do. Everyone that says you have left it too late and the ago gap is too big is wrong. Is so magical to see the bigger ones with her! My eight year old tells me every day how much he loves having a baby in the house.
It doesn’t have to be all negative!

@Nancy155 I’m thrilled that it’s working out for you in the last 12 weeks. But at the minute your 3 month old just gets carried along to everything you do! The logistics of a 2 year old, an 8 year old and a 10 year old are going to take a bit more planning…!

Agree with this - too much of a gap

I have 3 but 2 are twins. It's things like car, house size - big jump on cost between 3 beds and 4 bed houses. Holidays - have to to have 2 rooms - even finding a premier inn or travel lodge who will let you have 3 kids in one room is impossible, family day out tickets for attractions

I love having 3 and would totally have had a 4th to round the numbers off

@Nancy155 I was the 3 month old with the older siblings in your scenario. They apparently doted on me when I was a baby and too immobile to get in their way. When I was a small child, not so much. By the time I was in primary school they just ignored me. My parents would wax lyrical about how thrilled they were to have me, but as the 3rd child with much older siblings it was a very lonely childhood and I would never choose it for my own kids. Mine are 17 months apart and I would have been aiming for a similar gap if I had a third. I want my kids to do things together, not be dragging a crying tired toddler along to every activity the older ones do.

As adults, every set of 3 siblings I know seem to be an unhappy relationship. Two of them teaming up against the 3rd. Think carefully OP… (Or plan for 4!)

Sorry that was your experience but we have many friends with big age gaps who haven’t experienced that. We are a very close family and I’m confident that won’t happen to us. There’s 15 years between my sister and I and we have always been close.
Please don’t make out my child is going to be a major inconvenience and lonely when you have do not know my family.
the age gap may have not worked for your family but it does for others.