Stopping at 2 Kids

[NYCMUM12]

I’ve been going back and forth about to have a third or not for months now (DS 7 and DD 5) and as I approach 39 I feel the risks are too high. We did try, I had a chemical pregnancy a month ago and I was devastated and relieved at the same time. I can give my two now so much attention and they are so happy, there is so much at risk changing out established family. I would love a third and I go back and forth between ideas they all get along and adore each other to the third God forbid has medical or developmental issues and puts a strain on our family and everything changes or someone is always left out, it’s so hard when you don’t know what you will get. Is quality over quantity okay? I guess I’m looking for parents that have older children to let me know I won’t look back in five years and regret not having the guts to go for a third.

@ReeseWitherfork thank you for sharing, you’re 100% correct. I’ve been to several specialist which would qualify this as low risk, money isn’t an issue at all and our house is more than big enough. I’m just very practical and I worry about amusement park trips and the interactions between the children so thank you for sharing your family story!

@NYCMUM12 did you go on to try or co cocieve a third? Curious as in same predicament.

@Nell23 i accidentally changed my account name. I’m still head over heart about it. I had a chemical pregnancy and was really sad but also relieved. Having a third scares me, but not having another makes me sad. It’s very very tricky!

@Nell23 would be interested to hear your thoughts and your decision as well!

@NYCMUM12 we did try for a third last year but unfortunately I had an traumatic ectopic pregnancy that left me with some ptsd which I'm only really recovering from now. I'm head over heart too, but feel ill always ache for my third baby who never made it. I'm also a strong believer in what's for you won't pass you and sometimes feel that maybe this was meant to be,as in my 2dc. I love my family of 4 and the dynamic as is, but I do still wonder about a third, often. It's difficult to know. I just wish I'd taken the plunge when my kids were smaller and went for a third then,but easy saying that in hindsight.
I also feel like if I could freeze time and the ages my kids are at now I wouldn't try for a third, so my question is do I just want my babies to stay small? Is that my answer? Sorry long post.

I have three aged nearly 17, 15 and 11. I would say the 23 month age gap between the older two was more stressful than adding the third. Actually it was really nice that by the time he came along the other two were in nursery and school. I had some real quality time with him and I was much more relaxed third time around. My life feels quite relaxed now. The older two can babysit the younger one. Actually the 15 and 11 year olds are closer than any other combination. It is harder to get family tickets and hotel rooms but things are changing. I’m glad I did it. I was 36 when I had the last one.

@Bigbus Thanks for your perspective. I also found the 2 year gap with my 2 children very challenging in those early years so I can see the benefits of having a third a little later.

@Nell23 well you’re not alone! How old are your children now? I also thought I would have a third when my daughter was two or three, then I got sick. I feel the same as you had I have know I would have had another when she was a baby, but I guess that’s life right? Everyone’s experience is different with this situation. I too absolutely adore my family of four, but I still can’t give away any of the dc baby things because I always feel like there should be another here. It’s additional hard because it’s not just what you want, but what works for the family. I do need to keep perspective that they aren’t babies forever and it’s really only three years before you have a little kid running around that can do most of the big kid things as well. I’m going to try and quiet my mind and see if the right answer comes to me, let me know if you find yours!!

Stopped at 2 sooo glad we did. Lovely dynamic same sex get on well enjoy similar activities so we can do a lot as a family. Also teens even lovely ones are extremely expensive and emotionally draining. Really don’t think I would have it in me to do that three times over. Then university costs etc. Two is good!

@NYCMUM12 6 and 4. I'll be 37 this year. Feel I've missed the boat, I always said I'd like my kids all close in age. I feel a potential age gap of 5 years between middle and new baby is too big. X

@Nell23 any final decision? I still haven’t but something in me feels like I will soon. I would love to move on from this!!

What is it you know now? Something specific about your child or just the general impact on the family/ different between 2 and 3?

I found out I’m pregnant and I’m absolutely gutted. I was just putting this all past me and then BOOM positive test. I feel like I’ve ruined my children’s lives, our perfect lives together. Life is just going to be work now, when it was so easy and fun before. I’m so devastated and regretful that I let this happen, it’s such a mistake. I 100% wish I could turn back time.

I don’t understand the age gap argument. I have big gaps between my 2 (5 years) and I love the big age gap. It means one set of nursery fees at once, a single pram, older one is off at school so I had time to fully enjoy my newborn, older one sleeping through and not needing so much help so I can focus on baby… I think it would be so much harder with kids close in age.

I have 2 OP and would strongly consider a third in a few years. The age gaps just make sense to me.

2 is enough, anymore than that is a bit greedy ( unless you have twins 2nd time around obviously). I know that will offend some, but it's my honest opinion. I'm thinking from ecological perspective.

That's why I had four 🤣

How are things going? I hope you are ok. Was reading the thread with interest as I also can’t help but long for a third. Have two with a 4.5yr age gap.

@NYCMUM12 sorry forgot to @ you above

@SleeplessInSuburbs i would say you need to want it 100% and everything that goes with it. And look at your life. I do everything with my children from bike riding to playing in the snow and I’m worried that will change for years. If you’re torn I would say stay with what you have. It’s a lifetime decision for you and your existing family, everyone will have to sacrifice and change.

@NYCMUM12 hope you're ok?

If it helps, I was worried about this when my second was born. My oldest is 5. Obviously for a few months I was pretty tied down with breast feeding and recovering from birth etc so couldn’t do all the things I normally do with him but now that she is 7 months, weaning and I can leave her for longer stretches I really have that time back with my son. Our relationship is better than ever. And he absolutely adores his sister. Hopefully your children will gain a lot from their baby brother or sister, even if there are sacrifices thrown in too.

i do really appreciate your advice though. I think for me my husband is far from 100% keen on a third which means it’s a no for us, even if that is hard for me to accept.

@NYCMUM12 how are you now?
When is baby due? Are you feeling better about it?

I am too consumed by this decision everyday. Absolutely sobbing at the thought of my kids getting older (8&6) and them getting more independent. Life is getting easier and I could write a Full page of reasons not to have a third but my heart is aching for one. Question is do you follow head or heart?

@LCJJ24 hi! Yes, I’m feeling much better. I think the best thing is actually staying off message boards. I understand trying to find answers on here, because that’s exactly what I did, but in all honesty no one knows your situation or family dynamic. You also can’t predict the future good or bad, you just make the best decision you can knowing what you know now. I would create stories in my head that I would actually believe! Long story short, am I scared about adding a third, at times still yes, but the thought of not makes me sad. I have a wonderful family and we are able to support ( and spoil! lol) another child and that’s what we want so we’re doing it! I can think of far worse things than a child growing up in a loving stable home with two siblings that happened to be a bit older than them. And to be honest no one really cares what you do. So to complete my ramble, I would say quite the outside noise, talk to your husband and figure out what YOU want.

I was that third child, I have two older brothers 10&12 years older than me. I loved playing with them from ages 3-8. Then they sort of grew up and moved out of the house. The best part then was I got my mum all to myself, so I was like an only child in terms of all the focus but I also had brothers and got nieces and nephews down the line. My mum had my brothers early (17&19yrs old) then me at 30. She said she wasn’t done and wanted another. She had my brothers and grandparents for support bring me up, she said it was easier in some ways compared to when she had my brothers.

I think it comes down to how many children you see future you having and whether you see yourself as complete. I had my 3rd 6 months ago and I always knew I wanted 3. There is also an age gap of 4 years between my middle and youngest. It's been a shock to the system to say the least. But I know this period only lasts such a short time so trying to soak it up as much as possible. I never felt complete, I do now. I should also say my husband has a good job and we are comfortable financially which I believe is a major factor in having more children. Anyway good luck with your decision.