Stopping at 2 Kids

[NYCMUM12]

I’ve been going back and forth about to have a third or not for months now (DS 7 and DD 5) and as I approach 39 I feel the risks are too high. We did try, I had a chemical pregnancy a month ago and I was devastated and relieved at the same time. I can give my two now so much attention and they are so happy, there is so much at risk changing out established family. I would love a third and I go back and forth between ideas they all get along and adore each other to the third God forbid has medical or developmental issues and puts a strain on our family and everything changes or someone is always left out, it’s so hard when you don’t know what you will get. Is quality over quantity okay? I guess I’m looking for parents that have older children to let me know I won’t look back in five years and regret not having the guts to go for a third.

Basically OP if you want a third only you know if you can make it work. I know many many happy families that have 3 children with your age gap that lead happy lives and have strong sibling relationships.
Its not the doom and gloom that the previous posters will lead you to believe 🙄
Only you can decide if you would regret not having a third, I know I would have regretted it.

@Nancy155 ahhh congratulations!! Was it nerve wracking taking the leap or did you 100% know it was the right thing? I have two good friends both with sisters 13 years older and they are both best friends with their older siblings and they say growing up they got the best of both worlds, because they had the attention of an only child but great big family gatherings.

i was abit worried about how the age gap would work but due to health issues etc we couldn’t have had one any sooner. I shouldn’t have worried though it’s lovely, whilst I’m sure it does have some negatives everything we have gained in having her had far outweighed them. I know I would have always thought what if, I just didn’t feel ‘done’ x

If you really want a third, and you are able to (and DP wants it of course), then that's the right decision for you.
It's not all money, practicalities, and doom and gloom. No one ever got richer from having children, but everyone here had them anyway.
I'm 41, expecting my third and may have another after that too. Yes trips out and other things will be expensive and hard, but this is what I want and therefore overall the right decision. I don't think the cost of hotel rooms could ever make me regret it!

@IVFbeenverylucky good for you!! I love hearing this! Fear is the biggest thing stopping me, which is why I’m concerned I may regret it. I try and predict the future and make up both negative and positive stories in my head; I envy your attitude. Best of luck to you and ALL of your DC!!

I have 5 year old ds and 3 year old dd and I am 38 weeks pregnant with my third. I spent so long debating whether to have a third and thought I had decided to stick with 2, however the longing or the heart desire to have 1 more just wouldn’t go away so I went for it as was worried about regretting not doing so. Ideally I would have liked a smaller age gap with oldest but they are both so excited and we can’t wait to meet baby. I think it’s definitely going to make life harder and need to be more organised but I am looking forward to it.

Is there any chance that a pregnancy could lead to a return of your cancer? Because your kids need a mummy so much more than they need another sibling.

I agree re gap, I think it just depends. I wouldn't personally have 3, for the other reasons pp have mentioned, but we have a 6 year gap and so far to my surprise they simply adore each other. Conversely I know many more standard age gap siblings who have very difficult relationships. I think it's somehow a lack of competitiveness.

@Mumoftwoinprimary i was concerned about this too. I’ve spoken to several specialist, including a fertility specialist and I’m wait in genetic testing results. As of now all doctors would classify this as a low risk pregnancy even with my age because I’m so healthy

That’s really good news.

I think it comes down, very simply, to “what would make you happy?”

You can’t have the family that you really wanted - a 7 year old, a 5 year old and a 3 year old and no cancer. So starting from where you are - what would make you happiest?

For what it is worth - I always hankered slightly after a third but dh wasn’t keen and I didn’t push it. I have odd moments when I regret that but as a mum of a 13 year old and a 10 year old I am mainly glad. What I didn’t know when the kids were little was that one of my kids was going to end up competing at very high level at a sport. With “two of us and two of them” we can make it work so that they can do most of what they want / need to do without it impacting their sibling too much. I think that if there was a third child then it would be far harder.

If I may ask, why is that?

Only have 2 but have a bigger than typical gap between them of 6 years, which is what you'd have between your DC2 and the possible third child if you got pregnant now. Like you there were health reasons which meant we had a bigger gap than we'd planned for, but we definitely wanted 2 children so I don't regret it.

The age gap isn't great to be honest, it is often difficult to find trips out and holiday activities that they both enjoy, and it often means we're splitting up into 2 pairs (one parent and one child) to do different things. They have never really played together, and they get on each others nerves at lot especially now the eldest is an older teen and the youngest still very much a child (appreciate this can happen with small age gaps too). However, they do get on at times too, and the eldest is now old enough to babysit so bonus!

But the biggest thing I noticed is that I ran out of parenting steam some point in the last year. I have been going to playgrounds, parties, soft play, the nursery or school run for 16 years now. I am so over it! I never want to go to those places ever again! But youngest is still in primary school and still wants and needs all those things. Parent friends I made when DD was little have now just got teenagers and have moved on to a different stage of parenting - no more bloody playgrounds! I feel that's where I should be. I don't think everyone feels like this though, some people might love the little kid stage and never get bored of it.

We have 3 and it even comes down to daft stuff such as… we went to Legoland the other week and all the family rides were set up for four. So we were always split up. We’ve had the same at Paultons Park. Plus most family tickets are 2 adults + 2 children.

OP, whenever I’m doing something nice with one of my kids, the other two are bugging each other. They love each other and love playing together but it always ends in shouting! Which is one thing on its own, but when it steals you away from quality time with the other child, it sucks.

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister @Nancy155 I feel like the response is such a ... " you just wait..." from you pottering. Isn't every family dynamic different? Why already put fear into people when the newborn stage is really hard and it's all working really well for Nancy. I just don't understand people why say/ do this.

I understand. We have 2 and both would like to go for a third...if things were different. I'm the same age as you and just feel a bit old for a third (I know people have babies after 39! I just mean for me personally). We are happy with our two but life is full on and we don't have the energy for another. We both want to stop but both feel sad about it. Three would have completed us I think but we can't stretch to it. It's also a bit sad to feel like we are "done" already. The excitement of a positive test, a pregnancy and then that incredible moment when you get to see your baby for the first time. I'd love to experience all that again. But we are lucky to have done it twice and I focus on how happy we are and how we are able to give a lot of time and attention (and money!) To the two we have rather than share those things with another.

OP, it sounds as though you're too worried to have a disabled child or if the child is too difficult and doesn't fit it into the dynamic. I personally don't think this is the right place to be in mentally to choose to have another child.

My kids are 15 & 11 and I was so worried I’d feel lost after the kids stopped “needing me” as such, but it’s truly amazing! I’m so glad I didn’t ever contemplate a third, I’d be devastated to lose my adult time now. Enjoy your two, that’s plenty! Money aside (although that’s a huge thing isn’t it), you can pick up some more interests soon enough and have some time to relax. Whenever I see people with toddlers now I smile nicely but it does remind me how lovely it is to just be able to put a pair of shoes on and decide “hey, I’m going out for a bit”. And if the kids don’t want to come - they can stay home! Ha!

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister like @Nancy155 I have three aged 2, 7 and 10 years old and I love it. Like @Nancy155 my then 8 year old was so delighted with the baby (same as when my second was born).
It is amazing and I love the bond the have and envy it (I'm an only child). For us the logistics are fine (I'm a natural planner 😂
The baby goes to a childminder 3 days a week whilst the other two are at school.

I work 12hr x4 shifts 2days, 2 nights and 3.5 days off) and DH WFH full time. We have no family help nearby and use homework club for an hour after school 3 days a week.

We decided to have a gap of not less than 3 years between second and third because we wanted to enjoy each child and we couldn't afford the logistics of three kids under 5.
We ummed and ahhhed for a while before deciding to take the plunge. Then Covid hit and we held off and as I wanted baby to be born between March and May we had to wait for specific months to conceive.
I had my first two in my twenties and third at 34, maybe I'll think differently if I was older having them.

We're able to afford hobbies, holidays, clubs etc but I never considered not having a child because of not being able to afford to go on holidays. When we had our first in our twenties our combined income was under under €50k and 10 years later it has more than doubled.

The older two have a number of activities throughout the week and weekends.The baby does not get dragged along. We carpool with friends and neighbours, taking turns to bring them. Same for birthday parties.
Also I have never come across the idea of two hanging up on one. If anything the three siblings I've met it's usually one of the three trying to get the other two together. I wonder what happens to people with 4 siblings, so they end up as sets of two?

Yes hotels abroad are about 1k more expensive but soon the older two will need separate bedrooms on holidays anyway and hotels tend to have rooms for families of five, six and in some places seven (less common). For me it is money well spent.

I'm hoping to start an MSc. in September 2023, so I will be even busier but good planning should come in handy.
I'm looking forward to how their relationships with each other blossoms and how I can nurture and encourage their interactions.

We didn't have to move house but we were in the process of getting a new car so got a Peugeot 5008. I did take almost 14 months mat leave for third (generous company).

@NYCMUM12 I hope you decide on what is best for your family and apologies for all my waffling 😂

*ganging not hanging

Two is a good number, also your age gap is now too big

Get a kitten instead

I currently have a 4 yo and 2yo and I am about to start trying for baby no 3.

I was always against it and 'done' in terms if logistics and ease but realistically I feel in my heart we aren't done and DH has always wanted more. And although it will be a bigger age gap now, I feel it'll be less stressful than the gap before.

I worried about days out and holidays but those minor things do not outweigh the fact we spend a majority of free time at home.

It is such a personal choice OP. I'm going with 'what is meant to be will be'. I'm giving myself a year to try and if it fails, so be it, if it succeeds.. it's a new adventure.

It really depends on which 'what if' the pendulum swings.

X

I have 4, I had the last two when my children were the same as yours are now at the age you are now. Whereas I love them to bits, and we all mainly get on, I wouldn't particularly recommend it, it is really hard work, and everyone has to make sacrifices. If you are largely happy with what you have, stick with it. x

I think @sjpkgp1 is very realistic.
We love them to bits and wouldn't change a thing.

I have the number I wanted (3), but the reality is that it's a lot of work, lots of sleepless nights and school support and hospital appointments and activities after a full time job.
And even when we have good jobs, they cost a lot of money. I personally underestimate how hard it is when I made the decision. This is something you normally don't tell anyone in a RL conversation. I think 40 years ago as parents we wouldn't have felt the pressure to provide for new experiences, extra curriculars, school support etc. Life was different back then.

OP best of luck with your decision. Do what is right for you and your family xx

@girlswillbegirls and @sjpkgp1 thank you for being so honest! I can’t imagine how hard it would be while working full time! I don’t work and have no plans or want to go back to working. If we did have a third then I would definitely get an afternoon/ evening nanny to help out while the big kids are home. I truly appreciate the honesty it’s nice to hear about what goes on behind those happy big family pictures on Instagram!
Someone said you make a decision and then move on with positivity. I know two is so much more sensible than three, it’s such a hard door to close though!! I truly appreciate all you ladies taking the time from your busy days to share your experiences!!

It’s tricky because I don’t think you’ve got any fundamental reasons not to have a third. Probably worth checking with a GP that the hormone changes won’t have a risk of the cancer returning (if that’s a thing?) but aside from that, what reason do you actually have? Sounds like you can afford it too? Society says 2 is the right number nowadays, that’s all.

And as someone who has three who added another negative to the list up thread, I don’t think I’d actually advice you against it based on everything you’ve said. I always pictured a big family too so I can imagine where your head is at.

My siblings and I are aged 36, 34, 30, 28 (I’m 34) and we all get on equally well. There’s two six year age gaps there (between my 36yo sister and 30yo brother, and between me and me 28yo sister, plus my 36yo and 28yo sister have an 8 year age gap). It’s fine, and it was fine growing up.