How do you get your child to do what you want without bribery or threats?

[swiftyknickers]

My DS is 2.6 and has decided to do exactly the opposite of everything i ask or just say no to everything. I am really starting to loose my temper on a regular basis and its not how i want to parent.

For example 'come upstairs DS so I can get you dressed'

'No mummy'

Pleae DS as we need to go out'

'No Mummy'

If you dont get upstairs you wont be able to watxh Peppa Pig later

'ok mummy'

aand he will do it if i bribe him!!

how do i get him to just do as I ask???!!

sometimes to my astonishment DS will do what I ask because I say "because I asked you nicely".
Other times I need to explain why I'm asking him to do something. e.g "we need to get dressed now so that dd can get to school on time."
It can be exhausting explaining everything but it can avert a tantrum.

Work out which things are non-negotiable. Bad manners, hitting, etc.

Then make life easier for the rest - why does he need to go upstairs to get dressed? Can you bring his clothes downstairs?

I only use bribes rarely. I have lower standards than many on here though. I am oft surprised by the sheer number of pointless rules some MNers have

If you say 'please can you come and get dressed etc' and they say 'no', I say 'ok fine'. 'Come when you're ready then'. That usually works for dd (2.6). She comes pretty quickly. They feel they are in control.
I would rather do that than have a row about it. You need to leave enough time.

Or you could say I wonder if we can get dressed before I count to 10 etc.

Or suddenly start talking about something really exciting in an excited voice. Like 'oh xxxx you'll never guess what we're doing today/ I saw yesterday etc' . While they are listening as you talk about whatever it is, you can dress them. that works well for my dd.

Agree with hunker about bringing clothes down. I do that sometimes for ds.
Or put the tv on. They sit and you dress them.
Sometimes its better to just have a bit of tv and not get stressed about getting ready.

bribery or threats depending upon how they are metered out could also be seen as giving your child the chance to learn about choices and how to make them..

We all live by choices and consequences.. Dh doesn't like work somedays, but if he doesn't go to work he will get fired and the consequences of that are not worth the duvet day.

I do find that with DS1 we have conversations like this..
lets go and clean our teeth,
no I am playing pirates
OK we are going down to have breakfast
OK, I will clean my teeth in a minute, Thats fine, the longer you take the less time we will have to play before going to school.

That usually works but it is bribery/threats in essence, just sugar coated. I don't think it is a bad thing to have to do that..

Work out what is actually important so there's less opportunities to object. Then negotiate.
Does it matter if a 2 yo goes to the shops in PJ's?
Too many rules and I think they hear blah de blah de blah.
Negotiation really helps for by the time they are teens. If you do the coercive thing then a 6foot teen saying no is a huge problem and bribery can be super expensive.
But if they grow up realising that you respect their wishes and all work together and that you don't make petty rules for the hell of it then it is easier.
Not that mine are perfect by any means.
We have almost no rules and I am not el commandante but quite often they will do the washing up or go shopping for me because I ask. They are totally free to say no however.

Hmmm I don't usually ask my dd (2.4) to come up and get dressed she normally asks me, but then I think she must be the only child who also asks for her bib when eating messy foods

You can't get your child (or anyone else) to do what you want them to.

With toddlers the best way is to distract and just get on with it so its done quick. Don't expect her to come upstairs to get dressed. Bring the clothes to her and get them on her while she watchs TV or sit her on your knee and dress her while to chat to her.

It gets easier as they get older and you can reason with them (if you want to go out you'll have to get dressed now or we'll be late. Or After this TV programme its time to get dressed).

Good Luck.

I think it goes in phases - sometimes everything seems like a battle - sometimes I am pleasantly surprised by how easily DD1 will comply. I guess it's all about being consistent and unstressed (ha - I am rarely either!)

I don't know.
But I need to know.
It's all very well, but saying that a child can go to the shops in their pyjamas is o.k as a one off, but not normally o.k.
Ds (4) needs to get dressed. We leave for work at 7.30 am . We get up at 6.30 am. I don't think its appropriate for either of us to get up any earlier. And when he won't get dressed it does become stressful. I feel myself getting more cross.And I can then shout. If I remember, I try to tickle him and laugh it off, else I really do end up shouting.
I managed to laugh it off today.
But not always.

Oblomov, I have similar getting dressed early because of being at work deadline issues - DH, DS1 (3.10) and DS2 (2.1) are all out of the house (ideally) by 7.15 three mornings a week.

On an ideal morning (ie one where DS2 doesn't wake up at sodding 5am...!), I get up at about 6.15-30, bf DS2 in bed for another 15 minutes or so, DH gets ready whilst I'm doing that, then dresses DS2 while I get ready. DS1 gets up about 7, then we're all ready and out the door at 7.15. We don't eat before we leave the house, which helps massively.

Can you make sure you're 100% ready before your DS gets up, or is he an early riser? I have everything ready the night before, which also helps.

One thing I found really helped with getting DS1 dressed was saying, "Uh-oh. You look like you've got seven legs!" and when he protested that he hadn't, I said I'd better check. Then I could pretend to be putting seven socks on, etc. Now he wants to do it all himself, but I chivvy kindly

And the problem with bribery is??

I might phrase it a bit differently

"Come on, ds, come upstairs and get dressed. Then we'll be able to watch Peppe Pig"

Not a good idea to beg, IMHO. Try to avoid ever making a request that tehy can say no to.

I find it usually helps if they feel they have an element of control so I normally give them a choice - i.e would you like to get dressed upstairs or downstairs ? or "would you prefer to wear your red top or your blue one ?" At least they don't have the opportunity to say No !

dd (4) sleeps in her clothes
Who can be arsed to change a child into special clothes for sleeping?

Oblomov. I've had success with a tip someone gave me on MN a while ago for getting dressed (DS also 4). I set a timer and he has to get dressed before the bell goes (I give him about 10mins so he always wins).
He dresses in the lounge(while I am dressing DD) so I can prompt him if needed.

In answer to the OP IME you don't!

Hunker , I do normally, have everything ready. Not always but normally.
I do like the idea of ... 10 minute buzzer or equiv.
I don't want to offer him choices. I feel that, having read how to talk, I give him to many choices, re petty things, and that has demeaned the idea of a significant choice.

What I really want to do is shout " get dressed, just because I say so. No, you will wear THESE clothes" - but I don't .
Maybe the fact that this is what I want to shout, is where I am going wrong ?

I'm not sure that you can change what you think about a situation, just how you actually act it out, so I wouldn't worry about that Oblomov. The choice thing has definitely been mentioned on Supernanny (not saying she's right of course), but it did mention how giving a lo a choice nearly always ends up with them pushing too far.

I normally explain to them why, if they don't listen then that's fine.
"Don't want to get dressed, let's go out in your pj's then, I just hope it won't upset you if people think you look silly."
(If you're going to use this tactic make sure you do it about an hour before you're going out, they'll normally get five minutes down the road and want to come home and get changed).

I also say quite a bit lately 'Sorry sweetheart, but this isn't something you have a choice with" followed by "I didn't want to get dressed either but I had to".

DS is three thoguh and normally happy to do as he is told now. It doesn't last long tbh and making them do as they're told from a young age means you won't be on ehre posting 'My eight year old wont get dressed' etc which I see alot and really do not understand, my two wouldn't think of not doing as they're told in that way. (They aren't perfect by any means but ignoring a specific order, no way)

hi

this has really helped so thank you-i think i am quite stressed out at the moment so is having an effect on my relationship with DS, I know that when i chivvy him along nicely and distract him it does work but sometimes the whole process gets exhausting when im trying to get him ready for nursery and me ready for work 3 x a week, I just want to say JUST BLOODY WELL DO IT but know I cant

I also feel I have unfair expectations of him. He is 2.6 not 10 and sometimes i think i expect him to behave in a manner that toddlers aren't accustomed to.blah blah bla

but thank you for your replies x

i also think i try to make too many rules for all of us. i should just chill out a bit more

Rules are great, but only if they can benforced, I think too often the peopel who end up with problems with 'the rules' are those who have too many, children can't keep u with the rules and the parents cant keep up with the punishments, becomes a lose-lose situation.