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Parenting

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Original poster

How do you get your child to do what you want without bribery or threats?

74 replies

swiftyknickers · 20/02/2008 13:15

My DS is 2.6 and has decided to do exactly the opposite of everything i ask or just say no to everything. I am really starting to loose my temper on a regular basis and its not how i want to parent.

For example 'come upstairs DS so I can get you dressed'

'No mummy'

Pleae DS as we need to go out'

'No Mummy'

If you dont get upstairs you wont be able to watxh Peppa Pig later

'ok mummy'

aand he will do it if i bribe him!!

how do i get him to just do as I ask???!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

scattyspice · 20/02/2008 16:41

I started with lots of rules (before they were born LOL).
I've been shedding the rules rapidly as we go. I want us all to enjoy life.

NB I know thats easy to say as my DCs are starting to grow out of all the toddler nonsense and day to day life gets easier.
Good luck.

slng · 20/02/2008 17:20

Bribery? I call it motivation.

Pheebe · 20/02/2008 17:23

...or negotiation

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Othersideofthechannel · 20/02/2008 17:45

I'd really like to know which rules people consider unnecessary or ridiculous but have seen enforced.

We have shed lots of rules too. Some because the kids have got older. Eg no touching the sockets. DS is now allowed to plug and unplug certain things. Some because we realised they were a bit OTT.

In this house we have a 'food and beverages partaken at the table rule' even if it is just the coffee table. This is one I know some people consider OTT.

muppetgirl · 20/02/2008 17:49

I don't!!!

Actually we do go on about respect and how we won't respect ds if he doesn't/won't do as we ask. We also remind him that good things happen to good people and father christmas is always watching.

Othersideofthechannel · 20/02/2008 17:56

muppetgirl, I think that's terrible. You can't control everything that happens in his life. If something bad happens, he might think it is his fault.

muppetgirl · 20/02/2008 18:07

Osotc - ??? I don't try to control everything that happens in his life. The op was asking what to do when a child won't do what you've asked them to.

Othersideofthechannel · 20/02/2008 18:19

Not implying you try to control his life. I meant the bit about 'good things happen to good people'. IMO it's a dangerous message to pass on. I know plenty of good people to whom life has dealt a shitty hand.

muppetgirl · 20/02/2008 19:00

I suppose I'm a little more relaxed about it...
Life can be shit, mine's not been great but I am still so lucky and have a lot that is 'good'.

VictorianSqualor · 20/02/2008 19:07

OSOTC, We too have a rule about food and rink, no-one eats anywhere other than the kitchen or the dining table, same goes for drinks. (unless the kids are in bed, but they cant see us do it).
I think it's a really easy one to enforce too, they get their dinner/lunch/breakfast dished up at the table so why would they eat elsewhere?

I think regulated chores can be hard for kids, my two are expected to help as and when asked, with little or no moaning, but they don't have specific jobs.

Psychomum5 · 20/02/2008 19:13

you don't use bribering or threats......you use incentives

I swore that when I became a mum, I would never bribe, never threaten, and would never have a child who refused or tantrumed........

I SOOOOOOOOO learnt my lesson on that one, so now they get given an incentive, as do I......mine is wine, theirs is whatever is the handiest at that time, be it being able to watch TV, leave that nights lots of helping out, being able to have a pack of stickers for their sticker albums, sweets, or even (as of this week from DH to DD1).....the offer of extra pocket money!!!!!

muppetgirl · 20/02/2008 19:23

I had to find an alternative having a ds 1 who doesn't respond to stickers, doesn't give a fig about reward charts and doesn't do bribery, 'I just won't have the chocolate mummy...' Not all children will be bribed so you have to find something they respond to otherwise you could have very unruly children on your hands.

muppetgirl · 20/02/2008 19:24

Am going to try money though in the form of pocket money when he's 4 -next month. If he's anything like his dad he'll catch on pretty soon to the advantages of money.

Othersideofthechannel · 20/02/2008 19:40

VictorianSqualor, I suppose it should be a different thread really but I am intrigued by hunkermunkers reference to 'pointless' rules.

I think all our rules have a point otherwise I wouldn't waste energy enforcing them but appreciate that not everyone would see the point of our rules.

Othersideofthechannel · 20/02/2008 20:19

I have started a thread about pointless rules in Chat.

Oblomov, I don't think it's a problem giving insignificant choices (colour of plate is still significant to my DS and he is nearly 5) as long as you mix in some significant ones. In 'how to talk' wasn't the point that you don't give them a fake choice between two unattractive things

Oblomov · 20/02/2008 20:26

osotc, I am on my way.
I agree with nearly all victoriansqualors points.
I hear what you are saying. But I just felt that I was offering ds too many choices and that he was the one, who seemed to be 'running the show'. It felt like the parent/child boundaries had got confused. I still give him choices, but at the moment, I am trying to limit the number of choices.
I'll let you know, if this fails miserably

Original poster

swiftyknickers · 20/02/2008 20:35

i actually think i am you oblomov.am/was in exactly the same situation.

OP posts:

Oblomov · 20/02/2008 20:48

swiftyknickers, jump into my 'same boat' then
We shall toil on regardless, to'gever !!!!

hunkermunker · 20/02/2008 20:50

Muppetgirl, please don't tell your son you won't respect him if he doesn't behave how you want him to.

He won't be able to talk to you when he's older for fear of losing face

Agree re the good things happening to good people thing too - and I really wouldn't go on about Father Christmas all year either!

Sorry, have been very negative

I know somebody who constantly tells her DS that he's made her unhappy by doing x, y or z (often trivial things). I don't think children should have that much "power" over adults - it's fake, for a start, because she's not really unhappy that he's not put his fork on his plate correctly, etc.

drivinmecrazy · 20/02/2008 20:57

Title of this thread really interests me after flying alone with 2 DDs last week going to visit my Mum in Spain. DD2 (2 1/2 yo) decided she WOULD NOT sit in her seat for landing, going stiff as a board whenever she was presented with her seat. Didn't help it was Ryanair so hostess was really hostile to paying passengers anyway . Pilot refused to land aircraft till she was seated. Not one person offered me any help, beyond 'little girl, you have to be in your seat' from hostess dragon. Pilot circled the airport for twenty minutes while i struggled to get her to do what she had to. Even my 7yo sat looking out of the window helpfully commenting 'It's alright for us, we're used to this screaming at home, but what about the passengers'. I finally managed to hold her in seat just long enough to satisfy the dragon she was seated, then held her on my lap. Tears of utter embarrasement and frustration where streaming down my face by the time we landed. Any tips for next time??

Oblomov · 20/02/2008 21:00

drivinmecrazy. Sympathy. Now there is a time that you really want to tell them that they have to " do as they are told, just BECAUSE".
But I am sure that someone will be able to advise us how to do this, in a NICE way.

Othersideofthechannel · 20/02/2008 21:04

I don't think you can reason with a two and a half year old if they are not in the mood, drivinmecrazy. DD was that age when we flew to the States last summer. Fortunately, she was happy to go in her seat but she could wriggle out of the belt easily so it was just for show.

Oblomov · 20/02/2008 21:07

This is my point. There are some things that are simply non negotaible. No matter what age, thay have to be strapped in, say to car seat, aeroplane, don't they ?
Then the time for gently, gently, pandering and pleading is over.You have to be firm, but say it is a nice way.

Original poster

swiftyknickers · 20/02/2008 21:08

god i have a friend like that,shetoldme theother day that she has a great way of dealing with DD tantrumsetc and she tells he that her behaviour makes mummy verysad and will make her cry-its very weird i think

had a very succesful bed time tonight,lots of smiling and whoever gets out of the bath first gets a big tickle etc. I have realised that DS is a creature of habit too, so if i try to rush bedtime because i want to watch eastendersand drink vino blanco

sorry went off on a tangent then

OP posts:

Original poster

swiftyknickers · 20/02/2008 21:12

again agree with oblomov,somethings are simply non negotiable, DShas a thing about his straps on his carseat and is like friggin houdini and will wriggle out of them. However we stop the car until hes back in them and he knows it isnt much fun. thats one of my non-negotiables defo

OP posts:

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