How do you get your child to do what you want without bribery or threats?

[swiftyknickers]

My DS is 2.6 and has decided to do exactly the opposite of everything i ask or just say no to everything. I am really starting to loose my temper on a regular basis and its not how i want to parent.

For example 'come upstairs DS so I can get you dressed'

'No mummy'

Pleae DS as we need to go out'

'No Mummy'

If you dont get upstairs you wont be able to watxh Peppa Pig later

'ok mummy'

aand he will do it if i bribe him!!

how do i get him to just do as I ask???!!

If DS asks why he has to do something, like get dressed and into the car when he's asked, then I'll say why, and I'll also say "and I know you will, because you're a good boy and good boys don't mess about, they put their boots and coats on straightaway...JUST LIKE YOU WILL..."

DH has a created a monologue, of "we all have to do things we don't want to do. Daddy doesn't WANT to go to work, but he has to. You don't WANT to go to nursery, but you have to. Mummy doesn't WANT to cook, but she has to". I thought it would go over his head, but now DS repeats the monologue to me every now and again, out of the blue. It's like a nursery rhyme to him now, I think!

Did try to start a kind of 'incentive' thing of "no, you can't have the dessert now. You finish your dinner first. Then you can have it. That's the deal". Then I heard him telling DH "you go to the cupboard, and then you give me the biscuit. That's the deal" .

When my dc's were this small, I used quite a hands-on approach; if they didn't come when told, I would just calmly take them by the hand and lead them upstairs or whatever, ignoring any temper this led to. The idea I was trying to convey is that it's what Mummy says that actually gets done. If they didn't put the coat on, I would gently put their arms in it. If they wouldn't get in the buggy, I have been known to pick them up and put them in it.
In my world there were quite a few things that were non-negotiable, not just safety things, but things like being on time for the childminders and getting to bed at bedtime. But non-negotiable did not mean they always had to get told off; a lot of the time I found I could just make them go where I wanted anyway.
If you look at good preschool teachers, they never seem to lose their temper with their children - but they still get the playschool session running the way they have planned it. My CM was this type of impressive woman too.
I'm not saying my act was anything as professional as theirs, but I was aiming at something of the kind. Of course, I had bad days when I totally failed to preserve my calm, but at least every day didn't have to be a bad day.

I also do what swiftyknickers does. I've stopped the car before when DS has wriggled out of the straps and not moved until he's wriggled back into them. I've also explained to him that if we crashed he'd fly through the windscreen and get hurt if he wasn't wearing them, and that works very well.

Yeah, I do the don't want to ... get up/dressed etc
Don't use the work one, only because I only work p/t and LOVE my job - but that kind of sentence is good.
Besides ds is 4 now and will be going to school is sept.And he will then have to do lots of things he 'doesn't want to do'
Best he prpeares himself for this, in the next 6 months.
No point living in an unrealistic world.
God I sound miserable, taking away the naievity of children - don't mean it to sound as bad as it does !

threestars, I get that - it is so fuuny hearing yourself?
" thats the way it is"
"No mummy, it has to be like that"
"No, I don't think that right. He should know better"

theyare funny arent they?!have gotten into 'lets do a deal' thing too which neverbloody works but is so cte. He'll go'one more peppa pig mummy,lets do a deal and shake on it' after every single bloody peppa pig.

Echo Bramshott. It is a phase, comes and goes, says me, mother to 2 bloody-minded dcs.

If I have got enough of the persuading and distracting with no joy, I just grab 'em and get on with it. So swiftyknickers, in your scenario, I'd just carry him up. I still do that to dd 4.6.

Cue hands and limbs flailing whilst I strap an octopus into a carseat. It's hard work.

If I threaten, it is a natural consequence (eg if you don't get into your uniform, you can't go to school), rather than un-related eg taking away toys. Don't tend to bribe, but would remind dd of the prospect of seeing her friends at school if she gets dressed into her uniform. For a 2.6, depending on maturity, I may not even bother with that.

Don't keep asking them. Ask them once nicely, ask them once slightly less nicely and then carry out consequences (i.e. no Peppa Pig). If you keep on asking them then they get used to you keeping on asking and there's no point in them learning to do it first (or at least second) time. Got this from Tanya Byron's book and it sounds so simple but was a revelation for me!

It's not about pandering or pleading the way I do it though. I don't see that as the polar opposite to making threats or bribes.

I do alot of:

"Ok, If you don't do as I ask, then I won't do what you want me to next time" IE, no tv, no treat, whatever

Still works, and dd is 6

Although... hasn't stopped her saying "no" initially...

I also do a lot of making him think why I have asked him to do certain things. He's a fantastic thinker and will go away and mull something over for a few days and come back to ask more questions. He is an old soul who has definately been here before. He is sarcastic on the naughty step -even he sees how ridiculous it is.

What was that bizarre tactic cod had a thread about ages ago? I tried it and it really works. You kind of agree with their objection and have a fantasy conversation about it, e.g.

'Come on, it's time to get dressed'
'No, I don't want to get dressed'
'Oh I know, wouldn't it be fab if we didn't have to get dressed at all? Or, if it was like magic and we just wiggled our noses and 'hey presto', we were dressed....'

It totally distracts them from the objection and they just do it.

Actually - not done this for a while and this thread has reminded me!

Or say 'fine, don't then, you can go out in your pjs if you want' and go to walk off and do something else. That has ds3 running after me with his clothes in his arms!!

Mini-Broc (perhaps I should call her Floret?) staggers through her day, weighed down by all the stickers she gets throughout the day for "being so good" .

WIth my 6, nearly 7, year old, it will work if I say 'because I asked you really nicely and it would really help mummy if....'

Doesn't work so often for 5 and 3 year old if they are really kicking off but sometimes it does.

In reality though - we don't always have the patience for these perfect techniques do we?

Elphaba, that technique is from 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'. They call it granting their wishes in fantasy.

Bigbadwulf, I don't like the playing with food thing either. Fair enough when they are just discovering solids and still in a high chair but not when they are sitting on a chair at the table. Since they were 2 and a half, I have always done a 'three strikes and you're out' thing. ie remind them twice that they don't flick or throw or deliberately smear food on the tablecloth and if they do it a third time that's the end of their meal. It's the wasting food/deliberately making a mess I take issue with. I don't insist on them using cutlery and they can squash their food ON the plate as much as they like.

For all of you worried about car seat wrigglers, we used to have this a lot, and normally on the motorway where we couldn't possibly pull over.
We started putting DS's reins on him and closing them over the normal straps, it meant he couldn't physically get out of the seat, much safer than having to pull the car over, and much less worrying too.

dd will make mincemeat of 'granting wishes in fantasy'. I also have the How to Talk book and it is great. But sometimes, the magic response from children just does not happen, well rarely with dd 4.7. It might quieten her down as she mulls over it, then she starts up again - rottweiler that she is.

My ds is 11 with learning difficulties and hes profoundly deaf, if he wont do something at the moment, i simply say right im going out of the room, when i come back in two minutes i expect (so and so) to be done!! It works!!!

all of this has really helped thank you.

this am i asked him to get changed and asked twice and he did it!! it was a pleasant change. getting in the car was a pain so gave him a carton of raisins and he got straight in

Threads like these remind me of why I should check in with MN more regularly -- there are some really good ideas on here that I will try and try again!

Nice to see you Otherside!

You too. Haven't seen you around much recently.