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Original poster

The thin line between being proud and being boastful

62 replies

tashunka · 19/02/2008 14:20

I am very proud of ds1. I think he is a wonderful boy.
When I mention this to certain people- within an appropriate discussion-they get very tetchy with me.
I really don't do it in a boastful way.
Why is it more acceptable to complain about your dc rather than praise them?
Quite an anti- child feeling to be sneered at because you think they are great isn't it?

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lollipopmother · 19/02/2008 14:21

I'd like to comment, but I don't know what you've said so it's very hard. What did you say about your DS to make people react like this?

Kathyis6incheshigh · 19/02/2008 14:23

You'd need to know more about the context to know whether they are being unreasonable or not. Eg. if they have children of their own who aren't so great at whatever your children are great at, what you said might have seemed tactless to them.

CarGirl · 19/02/2008 14:24

I don't know. Several people have said to me that I must be "very proud" of my dd who has managed to get into a selective school where there are around 9 applicants per place. It doesn't sit well with me. I am proud of what she does when she goes out of her way for others, is "extra" kind, does something difficult like apologise for something she didn't have to confess to etc. I am NOT proud of her achievements, she is naturally academic and an all rounder she did have to apply herself but she hasn't had to work hard to get that place.

I do find pride in peoples achievements quite shallow TBH but perhaps I am the odd one.

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Original poster

tashunka · 19/02/2008 14:24

I have a very competitive family lolli and ds is reading a year above his age group. I was so proud of him. And he is always so well-behaved when we go out. It is good for his self confidence to hear me telling people how well he is doing surely?

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Desiderata · 19/02/2008 14:28

It is good for any child's self-confidence to hear it from his parents. I'm not so sure it's a good thing to broadcast it to others in his presence, tbh.

It's just not the done thing, and it may well embarrass him when he gets a little older.

TheFallenMadonna · 19/02/2008 14:28

Doe it have to be other people? Doesn't telling him how pleased you are work?

Kathyis6incheshigh · 19/02/2008 14:30

I think Cargirl puts it very well.

Anyway, you can make him aware you're proud of him without having to do it in front of other people. That makes it sound like you're only concerned with how it makes him feel and not how it makes the people you are talking to feel.

Original poster

tashunka · 19/02/2008 14:31

So should you not tell anyone how well they are doing? Honest question, is that boastful in your opinions?

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Kathyis6incheshigh · 19/02/2008 14:32

It is all about context!

Eg if my dcs did really well at something I would tell their grandparents but not my colleagues at work! Especially the ones who have kids. Unless they specifically ask.

Original poster

tashunka · 19/02/2008 14:33

So it is about not offending parents whose dc are not doing as well?

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lollipopmother · 19/02/2008 14:34

By tashunka on Tue 19-Feb-08 14:24:48
I have a very competitive family lolli and ds is reading a year above his age group. I was so proud of him. And he is always so well-behaved when we go out. It is good for his self confidence to hear me telling people how well he is doing surely?

Oh no, it's not your fault but I hate competative families, I was pushed and pushed and pushed by my parents, I'm not saying that you are wrong to be proud of him being better than everyone else, but you must make sure that you also praise for other things that are not measured on other peoples' success/failure (i'm sure you do that anyway), because otherwise he will only end up trying to strive for a perfect he feels he'll never reach.

I am not having a go at you at all and I don't want you to get upset, I don't know you or the situation, but that is just how I felt when I was young, I shall never forgive my parents for being so pushy towards me, and they know that now.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 19/02/2008 14:36

That's only part of it. It's also about what it says about your value system - what you choose to tell them about your child can speak volumes about what you think is important. And whether the person you're talking to is actually interested or whether you're only telling them because you want them to know.

Kindersurpise · 19/02/2008 14:36

If I mention something that the DCs have done, I have a habit of saying "right, I am going to boast now so just let me get it off my chest and then I will be happy" or something similar.

I also tend to tell certain friends and family about my DCs achievements, I could boast for hours to Granny and she can still outboast me.

Or I do it on MN

I actually agree with tashunka, why is it acceptable to complain about your DCs, but boastful to praise them?

Original poster

tashunka · 19/02/2008 14:37

I go out of my way not to compare, lolli. I am noy saying he is better than anyone elses dc but I think you are right, people can put it in that context.
He is already a perfectionist and I am trying hard to encourage his creative side esp in the school holidays which I see as his time to get away from the academic side of things

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lollipopmother · 19/02/2008 14:38

Oh, and there's nothing worse than a boastful parent, but being boastful and just happily answering questions about how your DS is doing is not the same thing.

Starting a conversation with 'my DS is amazing because he's better than your son' is clearly taking the p*ss, but if someone asks 'ohh how is your son getting on?' then you could happily chat away and say how you're really happy because his teachers have said he's a year higher at reading than he should be, and you could act a bit shocked even if you aren't, you know 'ohh I don't know where he gets it from, we're just really happy that he's doing well'. That's not boastful.

It's the same as arrogance, some people can talk about themselves all day long and not sound arrogant because of the words they use or the tone and manner that they're saying it, others sound like arrogant t*ats the minute they open their mouth!

TheFallenMadonna · 19/02/2008 14:38

I think lollipop has a good point. Do you want to bring your son up to be very competitive about things like reading? Because praising him in front of other competitive parents and their offspring is going that way don't you think?

How old is he BTW?

bluenosesaint · 19/02/2008 14:41

"So should you not tell anyone how well they are doing? Honest question, is that boastful in your opinions? "

That depends ...did they ask?

Kathyis6incheshigh · 19/02/2008 14:41

Reading ages are competitive by their very nature though aren't they - they don't focus on what they child's own skills are regardless of everyone else, but on how good the child is in relation to other kids.

If you were saying 'I'm so proud of my ds - he's reading loads of books by himself and really enjoying reading' it wouldn't come across as competitive in quite the same way.

S1ur · 19/02/2008 14:42

Its not boastful to be honest if asked but again it depends..

I don't like to go on about my dcs to people because their talents are obvious but if asked or complimented I do say yeah they are fantastic aren't they?

I refrain from naming ages and dev because it's just a competative tool to bash other parents over the head with. Plus you can never win them all

If asked directly for example when my dd talked I am vague and say its a strength of hers, but that in the end they all (nt anyway) catch up!

CarGirl · 19/02/2008 14:42

You see what if my dd hadn't got into the selective school????????? do you know what I would still be just as proud of her because I love her for who she is. The rest of my dds are very unlikely to be as academically able I am just as proud of them. I think you need to be careful of what you say that they will hear even when it's praise - praise & positive is fab, I guess pride and boastful not IMO

S1ur · 19/02/2008 14:43

Kathy you are talking a lot of sense

S1ur · 19/02/2008 14:44

BTW I don't think its acceptable to complain about children.

except on mn obviously

Original poster

tashunka · 19/02/2008 14:44

I don't discuss it with parents at school tbh
Mostly my brother and parents and a couple of very close friends.
I guess it is my brother making me feel like this the most. His dd has problems at school and I guess when my ds was born I thought everything he did was amazing must have been a bit grateing for them but I have toned down a lot since then.
DS is now eight

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GooseyLoosey · 19/02/2008 14:45

I think that it is right to praise them when they have had to work to achieve something. Ds does not have to work particularly hard to learn words etc. However, it is a struggle for him to remember to put his hand up in class. When he does have a day where he remembers, I do praise him as he has tried and succeeded. Likewise where dd remembers not to such her thumb. Where either demostrates that they are clever - of course I am pleased by this, but not sure it something to praise. Its like praising them for having blonde hair. If your praise rewards his effort then go for it - it is a wonderful thing to do.

Original poster

tashunka · 19/02/2008 14:46

Lots of common sense on here, I do appreciate it

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