The thin line between being proud and being boastful

[tashunka]

I am very proud of ds1. I think he is a wonderful boy.
When I mention this to certain people- within an appropriate discussion-they get very tetchy with me.
I really don't do it in a boastful way.
Why is it more acceptable to complain about your dc rather than praise them?
Quite an anti- child feeling to be sneered at because you think they are great isn't it?

If it were my family I would be really hurt that someone was going on and on about how fab their child was how well they were doing if my dc wasn't I'd find it very insensitive.

I think the thing is that mostly other people (unless great friends) are really not that interested in how other peoples kids are getting on. All kids learn to read eventuall a year here, and a year there doesn't make much difference to other people. Also if you always say how great your kid is it could be perceived (I am not saying correctly) that you are implying that their kids are just not as good!

I boast ceaselessly but only to my bestfriend and she boasts to me. We have an agreement. To everyone else I try to keep my parental glow to a minimum.

Well yes. I think if his child has problems at school and you are telling him how clever and marvellously behaved your child is, then he probably is a bit . Especially as you are a competitive family .

Oh Tashunka, that's why they think you're boastful, because his dd is having problems, he's sensitive because he wishes his dd could be acheiving the same standard as yours, and just sees it as you rubbing his face in it. I would too, you won't be doing it on purpose but when people are sensitive they always see the worst in people. It's like complaining your legs hurt to a double amputee - you just wouldn't do it because it's insensitive, or say you wish you never had to walk ever again! You wouldn't say that either! These are extreme examples but your bro will be sensitive and feel like your words compare.

lolli, I do appreciate your pov as I think I have it in me to be quite pushy- I am so determined that he will have lots of choices in life. I am lucky however that this side is brought into check by dh, who was the one who told me to stop telling them anything and RELAX which I do now, maybe a bit too much

I agree its how you say it. If asked then its fine to say they are doing well and that you are pleased. Why should you play them down.

I mention achievements to close friends without kids of the same age but in an astounded manner as that is often how I feel.

I agree with an earlier post that some people only need to open their mouths to sound like arrogant tw..s.

Tashunka - it's hard being a parent when you have your own views of what you'd like your child to do. I said to my partner that I'm not making any decisions for our child, if they want to try anything then I'll move heaven and earth to let them have a go, but I'm not going to make the decision for them to try it, IYSWIM. But then my partner rightly said that kids don't know all their options, they're not going to know about rock climbing for instance, only about football or whatever is being played in PE, so actually I'd be doing our child a disservice in not showing him what's out there.

So I see what you mean about choice, it's really hard. I will never push my child into entering a competition (all my issues with my parents are sport related), but you're right, you have to work hard to let them have as many opportunities as possible. And because I don't want them to become massively over-competative I'd never praise them as being better than someone else, I'd always praise them as doing as well as they can, this includes praising the times when actually they've been crap, which is nice because they need more praise than ever when they're failing.

And I think teenagers do need some direction and suggestion regarding what to do with their lives, lolli. But I appreciate the importance of stressing that you are proud of who they are rather than what they do.
abouteve- that's exactly my point- why fake being astounded?

I wouldn't fake astonishment in case I faked it badly and they saw right through me .

Yes, I think in a way it makes people feel worse if you act like you have to fake a reaction not to insult them

Message withdrawn

Its funny, isn't it, how it is now the done thing to praise things that were, in my days, commonplace parental expectations.

I'm sort of very British about this sort of thing. I find the "extravagant praise" over quite ordinary achievements all a bit odd. Having said that of course I praise my children for things that they have done well.

The line between boosting self esteem and creating a self-satisfied egotist is a fine one and one I have not yet had to really face up to (my DCs are a bit young). But I deal with a lot of recent graduates at work and they do very often have extremely and unrealistically high opinions of themselves and their own worth, which I suspect is partly because they have been told how very marvellous they are a lot of the time.

I am massively modest when it comes to sport related achievements, or at least I'd come across as that because I was always brow-beaten by my parents into thinking I could always do better even when I was already better than everyone else, so I couldn't even enjoy my success, I just had to strive to reach a level of perfection that was never reachable because of course once you get close to reaching it, the goalposts are moved to become 'more realistic'. It's easy to be like this when it's sport, but also easy acedemically because where does it end? Is being 1 year older in reading (only as an example) good enough, or should they push to be even better, seeing as they're already good? Is passing an exam good enough, or should they be passing with 80%, or 90%?

This is not anything to do with the OP as I'd say the issue was between her and her brother due to their circumstances, and she's not a pushy parent at all, but this is why I really dislike pushiness, it can seem limitless.

Anchovy - yes nothing worse than someone who thinks they're brilliant! I hate those people, really wind me up! It's a fine line I suppose, when you're praising someone, but to be honest if it lasts past childhood then I don't think that's due to the parents, but purely down to the personality of the person - ie an arrogant twit!

i say, to very selet friends "right, i'm going to have a north oxford moment now, because DS is soooooo advaaaaaaaaaarnced" and then regale them with tales of how he put his 2 fave soft toys on his truck and took them for a ride
i think, with very close friends, you can be almost as proud of their kids' achievements and talents.....i remember swelling with pride when my friend's little girl plaed her 1st order in a cafe, aged 3. still makes me smile 9 years on.
i think, however, if a chum were to have probs with a child - a delay or whatever - you have to be sensitive to it, as it's a real blow to the heart for them

your dh is right. Why would you go on about your son's academic achievements if their child has problems with school? Seems a case of completely the wrong audience to me.

Just come back to this thread. I didnt fake being astounded as it was genuine. Long story but sum up by saying DD was deemed below average until a couple of years ago and now excels. Don't mention much now as it could be deemed boasting

Minouminou - ohhhh North Oxford ehh! Where are you classing as North, because I might live scarily close to you!

It is hard to achieve a balance isn't it? As toddlers we are advised the more praise the better whereas when they get a bit older it's not seen as necessary but boastful

minou- it is true. I guess as someone said the real issue is between my sibling and I. I suppose it upsets me that he wouldn't just tell me I am being insensitive but roll his eyes at his wife or whatever.

Only do this to nanny DH and close family and then in a 'so proud of him what a good boy'for behaving/going to the toilet all by himself/peddling his trike all the way to the library/ positive reinforcement sort of way but then he is only 2 so given time...however I think I would be very hypersensitive if a family member had a child who was struggling in any way and not give out any info unless asked. Or even say 'I'm so proud of you for sitting nicely during lunch if the other child had quite plainly not been doing the same.' Happily this problem does not arise very often as although reasonably bright DS is extremely contrary......

Well I suppose that's a fairly big sign & I guess they expect you to be more sensitive without it being spelt out. You'd hardly go on about being pregnant to someone undergoing IVF for example. It's not that different.

I share things with the doting grand mother.

I do tell MN about ds's sucesses, because he fionds things had, struggles, works like mad and has made progress.

dd is sucessful with little or no effort.

For some reason I feel happy to share my pride in my son's acchievements, because he puts so much effort in him.

tell you all about dd would be boastful.

In reailty I'm equally proud of them both.

"As toddlers we are advised the more praise the better whereas when they get a bit older it's not seen as necessary but boastful "

It's not boastful to praise a child or a toddler to themselves. It's boastful to praise a child to someone else who hasn't expressed an interest. And why would you want to do that anyway ?

Tashunka - I always think the same as you 'well they should've just said!' but in reality that's much harder to do, it'd mean that your brother would have to admit that he's gutted his child isn't as advanced as yours, which would be big in your family as you've already mentioned that you're all quite competative. Plus he's probably feeling really guilty about wishing his child is as good as yours, so he's never going to want to admit it. This all means that when you say how good your child is doing it just bursts out as negative towards you, he's in turmoil with all his thoughts and the extra realisation that his child is behind makes him react as he does and makes him suggest it's your fault by rolling his eyes at you (as a way to take the blame off himself for feeling negatively towards his own child).

I always wish I could stand up to my parents and just tell them what I think but that'd bring far too many emotions to the surface, this is why I think maybe he hasn't told you.