Coparenting newborn

[Rosie332]

I’m currently pregnant, expecting a baby in a couple of weeks. I’m very good friends with the Dad but we’re not together and I don’t want us to be (he does).

He wants to be very involved in the babies life which is great but I’m concerned how that will work in practice with a newborn. Would it be acceptable for 50/50 custody not to start until the baby is one and until then the baby living with me with Dad having regular access? I’m hoping it doesn’t get to court but if it did what would the court be likely to grant?

Im not sure how best to manage expectations, he’s been talking about how tired he’ll be during the newborn stage, whereas I was expecting to be looking after the baby overnight. His parents who live a few hours away have been buying baby things eg a Moses basket to keep at their house. Will the Dad be able to insist on taking the baby to stay with his parents for the weekend when it’s a newborn. I’m more than happy for them to visit here/ Dads house but wouldn’t be comfortable with me being apart from the baby for a weekend or going to stay myself.

Has anyone been through similar or get any tips on how to manage this situation? I want us to continue having a great friendship for our and our babies sake.

Will you be breast feeding? If so baby won’t be able to be away from you for more than a few hours (and if cluster feeding not even that long)

I was in the same situation as you when DS was born, but thankfully Ds dad moved abroad so it was just when he visited that he wanted sole contract. This soon changed when he realised what a huge task this was, and how connected to me DS was. If you get on well can you reassure him that you want him to be fully involved, but it’s too soon to do that straight away - for your babies and your sakes.

No court would order fifty/fifty for a new born baby. Their main developmental "job" at this age is attachment. It is key that they are given time to attach properly to their primary caregiver. If you are breastfeeding it will be impossible to have a 50/50 split. Ideally he would be seeing the baby and spending quality time with them very regularly in order for them to bond properly but this doesn't need to include overnights, unless you feel happy for him to stay in your home and help with overnight feeds etc.

As hard as it might feel he will need to learn to care for the baby independently so try to give him alone time with the baby.

Thank you both for your replies.

I’m hoping to breastfeed and also express some milk so the Dad can also feed the baby if that’s what he wants (I was expecting this to be in the daytime though). He has already bought himself a prefect prep machine so not sure I can insist on him using my milk if I’m not around.

I will of course let him spend time alone with the baby but until I go back to work and the baby is one I was hoping this would just be for chunks of the day and not overnight. I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable though.

Look up how long a newborn can go in a car for, before a long break is needed.
this will prevent him taking baby to his parents

My sister had a similar situation.

Do not put him on the BC. Or give baby his name.

No court would order overnights for a newborn. He would struggle to get overnights at 1 if child still breastfed.

You need to establish the boundaries now. DNephew was born in lockdown so dad moved in with DSIs for first few weeks (my parents were there too). He kept up visits intermittently, took DSIs to court multiple times for more access whilst breaking every court order (did not go down well with the judge). Never took DN out when he visited, never changed a nappy or fed him after the early days (DSIs expressed all of DN’s milk).

DN is now 3 and hasn’t seen or heard from his dad since before he turned 2. The man who was determined to take his child 300 miles by train every other weekend just disappeared into the night. DSis has now made that a legal arrangement.

The reality of having a newborn is very, very different from anything either of you is imagining. A breast fed baby might not take a bottle, and it's not recommended to introduce one until breastfeeding is established (though I'm no expert - I bottle fed from birth).

I really don't think you should start making any hard and fast plans other than the baby shouldn't be away from you initially, which would mean the dad coming to your house to spend time with it.

He will learn very quickly the reality of looking after a newborn and then you can make a more realistic plan from there.

Ultimately, the baby's needs come first, not the parents'.

The only way you can stop him from taking baby is if your breastfeeding. Do not express for him to give baby in a bottle as then he can take baby to his house. Your within your rights to exclusively breastfeed. If he gives bottles and formula then he will more than likely destroy your breastfeeding journey.

Absolutely not with a newborn. No court would order access away from its mother.

You say you guys are friends. Don't lose sight of that because some people on the internet are frightening you. It is possible to coparent easily and have a happy and thriving child. But you do need to have a strong co-parenting alliance and be able to communicate any issues or fears. Perhaps start as you mean to continue. If you can sit down together and make a parenting plan that sets out your intentions it's much, much easier to stick to your decisions. You can download a parenting plan template from a website. If you feel like you are struggling to do this just the two of you, then you can use a family mediator at this stage to help you have these conversations...you don't need to be in conflict to use one.

The baby's best interests are paramount and what research tells us is that children fare much better when they have good quality relationships with both of their parents and where there is no negative conflict in their parents relationship. Don't make any rash decisions out of fear that could jeapordise your co-parenting relationship going forward. You know this man better than anyone here.

Baby will be so attached to you it I honestly don't think he would be able to take the baby away for long periods of time at the start without it being distressing for both of them.

DH has been a fantastic hands on dad, had 3 weeks paternity leave and worked from home due to COVID but even then DD would cry sometimes if he was holding her and she wanted me. Especially if she was tired etc and in the first 3 months especially.

Maybe gather some information on this and share it with him so he has more realistic expectations and explain its unlikely to be practical/ in babies best interests in the early days. But that you still want to support them developing a relationship x

Why shouldn’t he go on the bc 🙄 he is not abusive and they are friends so why on earth should the father not be on the bc

Were you actually in a relationship? If there is no hurt over a breakup could he come and stay at yours for a couple of nights? It sounds like he wants to be an involved dad, is there a significant reason why that can't happen?

You need to set boundaries and expectations now. He needs to know he won’t be getting overnights.

He should be on the BC not to do so deliberately Is controlling and manipulative

Provide him with information about the 4th trimester. Whether you are bottle or breastfeeding, the research shows that newborns need to be with their mother. Make sure that he realises it is about supporting you and the baby for the first few months. If you are on good terms, have him round to cook meals and put on loads of washing for you whilst you recover. Get him to hold the baby whilst you are in the shower.

Thank you everyone I appreciate you taking the time to reply. The baby will hopefully be taking my surname (Dad hasn’t agreed to this yet but this is something I feel strongly about) but I won’t be leaving him off the birth certificate, I don’t see how that would benefit anyone, it will damage our friendship and cause unnecessary hurt.

I will be doing my best to support and encourage the relationship between between father and baby and am conscious that the baby should always come first. But at the same time when I’m first out of hospital and still recovering from the birth having Dad stay overnight or being at my house all day everyday will be stressful and isn’t something I’d feel comfortable with. After a couple of months we could try with him staying overnight at my house maybe once a week and see how things go.

I wouldn't rule anything out at this stage. If you get on well, I'd have him stay over from the start. You might end up having a c section, you might not, whatever happens you may not be up and about and full of beans.

I wouldn't expect him to take the baby for overnights before 6 months. I ebf and ds stayed over at GPs from 9 months.

Oh god no don’t give the baby his name. Even travelling will be hard with different names. Your name all the way. He’s not your husband or your partner so you just have to say you are registering him on your own to have the name you want

More practical would be to have dad stay over during paternity leave so he can help at night, and after that he could visit 4 or 5 times a week for a couple of hours at a time.

If he's back at work, I would suggest something like he comes over after work 3 evenings during the week and looks after the baby for a couple of hours between feeds in your house so you can go to bed.
And on weekend mornings he can come over at 8am so you can go back to bed and take the baby out for a walk for a couple of hours.

I'd definitely manage his expectations around his time alone with the baby - for the first 6 months it's going to be 2-3 hours at a time a few times a week.
6-9 months up to 4 hours.
9+ months maybe he could do a couple of mid week tea time and bed time routines and a full day at the weeked.
12 months + for overnights.

Do not put him on the BC. Shocking!

cyncope's plan sounds eminently sensible. I would do all in your power to ensure LO has two, loving, emotionally engaged parents.

Another one saying to give the baby your surname, even if he is named on the birth certificate. This is your choice - he does not have a say. This is an absolute bottom line not-going- to-happen situation. The only thing he can insist on is being named on the birth certificate, even if this is through a court order. He will have to be present at the meeting to sort out the birth certificate so that will be a test of his commitment. A tip here - don't book a first thing in the morning appointment !

Co-parenting does not automatically mean 50:50 so don't fall into that trap. Co-parenting means co-operative parenting. You're not in a romantic relationship with the father so he can't / shouldn't expect the same level of access to the newborn baby as if you were in a romantic relationship.

You will probably feel quite vulnerable after the birth - hormonal, sore, uncertain, so please arrange for someone your love and trust to be with you as much as possible. The Dad will need to understand that babies do their own thing - so if he wants to visit at 10am, the baby may be asleep for 3 hours, and there'll be no waking him up.

He certainly will not be taking the baby to his parent's house a few hours drive away so manage that expectation straight away - to be honest you wouldn't be driving a couple of hours to grandparents if you were married. Basic rule here - people come to visit the mother & baby - mother & baby do not travel. Maybe you would consider letting his parents visit for a short time- but again with the proviso - the baby leads what happens. You don't want to have a situation where the grandparents arrive and expect to stay until the baby has woken up. Short visits only, like 30mins max. And no hospitality, no teas, no lunches.

Sorry if all this and what others have been saying sounds harsh, but it is much easier in the short, medium & long term if you manage expectations now. It also easier to loosen strict arrangements than it is to tighten up loose arrangements later.

Think back to what you intended when you got pregnant, were you a couple or is this intended coparenting?

Try to focus on the positives of having an active father in your new baby's life, there's a lot of jaded women here on Mumsnet (with good reason), so think about what he could do to help out in the first 4-6 weeks whilst you recover from the birth and you get used to being a mum, clue: it's exhausting. Having his stay overnight sometimes might be a help but don't commit to a schedule until after you give birth. He will need to attend the registration to go on the birth certificate too.

If it helps, my ebf baby is 5 months old and it's only now that I can leave her with her dad for a few hours between feeds.