Coparenting newborn

[Rosie332]

I’m currently pregnant, expecting a baby in a couple of weeks. I’m very good friends with the Dad but we’re not together and I don’t want us to be (he does).

He wants to be very involved in the babies life which is great but I’m concerned how that will work in practice with a newborn. Would it be acceptable for 50/50 custody not to start until the baby is one and until then the baby living with me with Dad having regular access? I’m hoping it doesn’t get to court but if it did what would the court be likely to grant?

Im not sure how best to manage expectations, he’s been talking about how tired he’ll be during the newborn stage, whereas I was expecting to be looking after the baby overnight. His parents who live a few hours away have been buying baby things eg a Moses basket to keep at their house. Will the Dad be able to insist on taking the baby to stay with his parents for the weekend when it’s a newborn. I’m more than happy for them to visit here/ Dads house but wouldn’t be comfortable with me being apart from the baby for a weekend or going to stay myself.

Has anyone been through similar or get any tips on how to manage this situation? I want us to continue having a great friendship for our and our babies sake.

He can't take a newborn to his parents for the weekend! Nip this in the bud now. Your baby isn't a possession you divvy up. You can work towards them spending time without you when DC is older.

Another one saying give the baby your surname. And set him straight now that it is not in the best interest of your baby to be separated from you anytime soon. It might feel like an awkward conversation to have, and he might not like it, but if he is serious about being the best father he can be, he needs to understand that the needs and wants of his child come first.

And no, I'm not "jaded". The OP needs to do everything she can to protect herself and the baby. The chances are it'll be fine. But the man has already set unrealistic expectations and is not waiting to be guided by the OP. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

@SunnySaturdayMorning perhaps not better parents long term but YES initially. Baby knows their mum best purely because of the biology of growing inside them and this tends to translate to a mum knowing what the baby needs, especially if breastfeeding. Nobody is saying things need to be this way forever but a healthy attachment is the best gift you can give a newborn baby and a baby can't establish that alone

This.

Hi OP! It's great you're friends and he sounds very enthusiastic about being a dad which is lovely. He is probably a bit naive about the logistics of have and transporting a newborn but most of us are before the baby arrives. You're being very reasonable to say you want the baby to stay with you for the first year. I would have been ready for visits from around 8-9 months personally, that's when my son started staying with grandparents for a few hours. But do what feels right to you.

I think his parents were a bit unreasonable to buy things like a moses basket for their house. My son outgrew his moses basket at 3 months, they're for very young babies. He might not know better but his mother probably should. Unless she thinks that you'll visit with the baby but that's completely up to you and I know you've already said you don't want to.

Tradition is a baby takes its mother’s surname. It’s not up to him to agree. Baby has your name, no discussion needed.

As you’re planning to breastfeed do some research on it now if you haven’t yet. YouTube has some brilliant stuff on expressing colostrum, you can start now, and on how to get a good latch. Find your nearest lactation consultant - you might not need one but have details to hand in case you do. Look up what your hospital offers in terms of feeding support and make sure you push for help in hospital.

It would be ridiculous for anyone to expect a baby to have to have 50/50. They barely know they’ve been born for ages, I’ve got a newborn and I’d forgotten how much they just want to be on you.

Is he going to be on birth cert? A friend did this and ended up ah I got to give her 6 month old for overnights with expressed milk. Then he sued her for 50/50 custody. Get as much as you can I. Writing now. While it doesn’t stand up in court it proves the permise on which you agreed the pregnancy so if he goes against it it gives you something to negotiate from. Don’t put him on the birth cert if you want to dictate terms.

You can't coparent a new born.
A new born needs to be with their mum.
End of.

OP, you've nailed down something important in this post. YOU would find it stressful having the dad around much at all at the start whilst you're still recovering from the birth.

We all react to life events in different ways. Women need and want different things after having a baby. You need to do what's right for you and your baby, which might be different to some of the (well-meant) suggestions on this thread.

Stress and anxiety is the opposite of what you need at this time. Stress will make it harder for you to bond, harder to establish your milk supply, harder to establish breastfeeding together with your baby. Do everything you can to mitigate stress for yourself in those first few months.

If the father truly wants to prioritise his child's well-being, he needs to understand that YOU are what your baby needs, not him. He needs to put his own wants/'needs'/requests in third place, after the baby's, and yours.

I think you need to sit down with him and go through what each of your expectations are so it’s clear.
Explain that initially baby won’t be able to be away from you as that is in baby’s best interest BUT you will slowly build and increase contract over the first 2 years.
Tell him how you want to be supported by him whilst you are recovering from the birth and how often he can come and see baby (with you there initially).
If necessary remind him that the baby isn’t a toy to fight over but a person in their own right who you both need to agree to put first. In the long term he can definitely be an equal parent but biology dictates that babies need their mums more than their dads initially.
The realities of a baby will be different to how you are both expecting now so you might need to update/change your arrangement once baby is actually here. Maybe say you’ll review things every x weeks or months?

What the fuck??
He's the dad. That child is 50% his. Yes the newborn can't be away from his mum and he's acting a bit irrational and unrealistic yes.
But not to put him on the BC?

Fuck that. What a horrible thing to right. You'd be a nightmare to coparent with.

Good luck OP. Don't lose sight of your friendship with him. Use that to an advantage and have open and honest conversations.
Can he come and stay with you if there's room in the first few weeks maybe for a night or two at a time? It's really good that he wants to be a parent and be involved. Too many times on here men just walk away so what he's doing isn't necessarily meant out of malice. He just has no idea of the realistic way to look after a newborn and what they need.

Not putting a father on a birth certificate does not give the mother more rights. It simply causes and then prolongs conflict and bad feeling whilst both have to spend a lot of money, time.and emotional energy on solicitors, DNA tests and court disputes... All for the man to be put on the birth certificate anyway. It's ridiculous. It doesn't prevent an abusive parent from getting contact or making decisions, it simply delays it. In ops case she has stated clearly that they are friends. They don't need this kind of nonsense. I honestly think at this stage a parenting plan showing progression of contact from 0 overnights during the 0-6 month stage, then 1/2 over the 6month-1 year stage and then whatever pattern works best for you both beyond that, will show that you really want him to be an equal part of this child's life.

Most men get arsey about their "rights" if they have been given no consideration, have not been consulted and can see no committment to their involvement or stepping stones. Show him all this up front.

Eh? I’m married to my child’s dad.

My DN’s dad walked away. DSis’s lawyer asked him, after several months of zero contact, whether he intended having a relationship with his child (given he had broken multiple court orders, lied to the court several times and not shown himself to be an interested father in any way). He finally responded that he wasn’t and gave up his parental responsibility.

Not sure what is so awful about my/DSis’s behaviour in any of that?! Her world changed overnight. He made no effort whatsoever to be a father, despite huge bravado and multiple promises in court to do better. 50%, my arse.

I don't believe that any of that would have been have been any different if he hadn't been on the birth certificate. He would have simply gone to court for his parental rights and THEN ditched them. But again... You can't project this one situation on to the op.

Sorry but a newborn will want to be attached to you constantly. He needs to know now that his idea is not realistic until the baby is much older. It's such an important bonding time for you and baby at the beginning, I think suggesting he helps out in the day and night is fine but need to be at your house. Absolutely no way I would allow my newborn to go to his parents house without you.

We’ll see.

The stress my sister went through, from expecting this wonderful co-parenting arrangement to the reality was unreal. She saw no issue giving him his
dad’s surname (I warned her but she just put her name in as a middle name).

I’m sharing the story to urge caution to the OP. Who doesn’t have that long to make decisions about these things.

There are danger signs here, which is why I say don't put him on the birth certificate yet. He has made unrealistic demands and made unrealistic plans. What he should be doing is reassuring the OP that whatever she needs and wants at the early stage he will do his best to provide. My dp said that for the first few months of our babies' lives his role was laundry, making risotto and remembering who was who in whatever TV series we were watching. Because that's what I needed- and therefore that's
what his babies needed. And the OP has said that "hopefully" the baby will have her name but the father hasn't agreed yet. Does any of this sound like a good partnership in the making?

Agree with the others , give baby your surname or you’ll never be able take baby / child on holiday without your ex written permission if your surnames do not match

My son’s dad and I had a sit down chat before baby was born.
I had some points to raise

1. we go halves on the costs of big stuff( cots, pushchair car seat etc
2. no overnight stays for the first 6 months due to 4th trimester/breastfeeding
3. baby’s name( I selected a few I liked and suggest a double barrel surname)
4. we use an app like timetree so he could send his rota and we could work out days for him to see baby
5. once I went back to work we would need more structure due to nursery.

later on he agreed that I had been fair and considered him too.

In the end lockdown happened and he didn’t see baby from 2 weeks old until 14 weeks old. His choice despite the parent rules.
He didn’t take our son for an overnight until he was 2- his choice
once baby was in nursery he took him for 1 afternoon a week whilst I was at work( his choice)
Now he sees him every other weekend. All his declarations that it would be 5050 and he would buy clothes for at his etc haven’t happened. Once baby arrives words mean jack all 🤣 it’s a shock to the system.

"Agree with the others , give baby your surname or you’ll never be able take baby / child on holiday without your ex written permission if your surnames do not match"

This isn't true.

I was in your situation but the fact that my newborn is depending on my breastfeeding takes the worries away that the baby could be away from me for more than a couple of hours.
and for you, I advise you to relax and enjoy your new baby before he grows up and you may regret not concerning with his golden first years.
and I will pass to you the blog that another woman send to me when I was in your shoes several months ago. may it helps you too.
https://www.twinkl.com.sa/blog/wellbeing-advice-from-parents-to-parents

Again this is completely untrue. Of course you can. I have a different surname from my children and this has NEVER been a problem.

Op honestly, if you have actual concerns grounded in your actual experience then by all means sit for an hour with a solicitor and get some actual legal advice.

You shouldn’t put him on the birth certificate immediately or he’ll have equal parental rights to you. This can easily be updated at a later date (I was told by the registrar) so it’s not a big deal. Give him your surname.

it’s hard having a newborn- unless you live with family/ friends, you might want to consider having him move in for a couple of weeks sleeping on sofa to help bring you food, hold baby why you go to the loo and shower etc.

in my experience , my ex also thought he’d be taking the baby overnight etc which made me quite nervous, but as soon as he met him and realized how needy the baby is and how attached to me he needs to be he hasn’t asked to even have alone time with him for a few mins! It’s nice he’s excited and honestly if you get on with him, let him be there to help cook for you, take the bins out, etc.