Coparenting newborn

[Rosie332]

I’m currently pregnant, expecting a baby in a couple of weeks. I’m very good friends with the Dad but we’re not together and I don’t want us to be (he does).

He wants to be very involved in the babies life which is great but I’m concerned how that will work in practice with a newborn. Would it be acceptable for 50/50 custody not to start until the baby is one and until then the baby living with me with Dad having regular access? I’m hoping it doesn’t get to court but if it did what would the court be likely to grant?

Im not sure how best to manage expectations, he’s been talking about how tired he’ll be during the newborn stage, whereas I was expecting to be looking after the baby overnight. His parents who live a few hours away have been buying baby things eg a Moses basket to keep at their house. Will the Dad be able to insist on taking the baby to stay with his parents for the weekend when it’s a newborn. I’m more than happy for them to visit here/ Dads house but wouldn’t be comfortable with me being apart from the baby for a weekend or going to stay myself.

Has anyone been through similar or get any tips on how to manage this situation? I want us to continue having a great friendship for our and our babies sake.

And all EBF babies are different - I couldn’t have done that at such a young age, my first was still feeding every 2 hours until well over a year old.

That’s what my sister thought. With hindsight she wishes she’d let him jump through the hoops to get parental responsibility rather than hand it over then spend £££s in court defending her son’s rights over what turned out to be a pretty abusive arsehole for whom parenthood was all about what he wanted. He refused to believe the boy was autistic, stating that his mother (who made the effort to meet her supposedly beloved grandchild once) could “fix that” and then once diagnosed blamed my sister for it.

Stop projecting this is ops situation not your sisters.

Yeah by a few hours I mean around 2 so a similar amount of time... Just so the OP can prepare the dad that if she does breastfeed it won't be for quite a few months that he'll be able to take baby and even then it'll just be for relatively short amounts of time.

I really think you need to be having these conversations asap with him because it sounds like he's going to rock up as soon as baby comes expecting to take him/her off for dad time.

Couple of points.

If you're hoping to bf, you need to get this established before introducing a bottle.

Once you've established bf, baby might flatly refuse a bottle.

Adding in formula ad hoc might do more harm than good with an immature tummy

Time limits on car seats for babies might stop him visiting parents in the early days.

Stand your ground with the surname

Thrash it out now so you either agree before baby arrives, or if you don't agree, he's at least in the pic. The last thing you need at home with a newborn is a battle about care.

As you are not married, he will have very little say in the matter. First of all, it is solely your decision what name you give the baby. He cannot decide. It is also your choice to breastfeed, and you can insist that the baby does not have formula. He is being very presumptious, but that may be because you're not being clear with him what your expectations are.

If it helps, write down those expectations eg:
The baby will only start overnights away from me from 6 months old.
The baby will be solely breast fed.
The father may visit for 1 hour a day for the first 2 weeks at a time agreed by the mother. Grandparents may join the father for these visits.
Etc.

I’d been married to DH for 7 years before DD came along and she still got my surname.

This is good advice

First of all. Do not put him on the birth certificate. Do not give the baby his name.

Let’s watch this space and see who is right.

My ex is on the bc never caused any problems.

He can go on the birth certificate when he's shown himself the be a good dad in practice rather than in theory.

Doesn’t work like that if he goes to court he will be added, but great way to cause conflict by refusing to let him on the bc slow clap for you 👏

Surely the same should apply to mum then? Mothers aren’t automatically better parents just because they birthed the child.

Congratulations. I suspect you are in the minority where there is no relationship between the parents early in the pregnancy.

The OP is 2 weeks off giving birth with a dad who thinks he’ll be having 50/50, overnights, driving for hours and goodness knows what else. This doesn’t have “smooth and reasonable coparenting” written all over it.

@SunnySaturdayMorning "Surely the same should apply to mum then? Mothers aren’t automatically better parents just because they birthed the child."
Have a bit of a think about that. If you need help understanding why it's a bit daft I'll be around later.

@Rosie332 I'm afraid I'm also on the not on birth certificate waggon. If you add him, he has equal rights to you. He could walk into your house, pick up baby and walk out and refuse to hand baby back. The police will not stop him, he will have every right to do it. You'd have to go to court to get baby back, and the court can and has decided by that point baby has been with dad long enough that it would be too disruptive to give baby back and dad becomes primary carer.

Register yourself, your surname, you don't need to tell him you've done it. He can be added later. Breastfeed, let him come little and often (maybe an hour a day?). Don't express or let him feed formula. NHS advice is no bottles for at least 6 weeks to fully establish supply.

We were in a relationship so what are you on about? unlike the op so no I’m not in the minority he is on all of our childrens bc and it’s never been an issue I suspect for the majority it is never an issue cases like pps sister are clearly the minority pin

Then my sister’s situation is a closer match. They weren’t in a relationship, like the OP and her baby’s dad. Which is what I said. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t add him hopefully he take it to court which he will be added to the bc and gets 50/50 horrible how some women use children as weapons

You had multiple children with someone before splitting. That is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT to having a baby with someone you are not in a relationship with when baby arrives. There are different boundaries and certainties. What is so hard to understand?

There's some possibly useful resources here.
helpwithchildarrangements.service.justice.gov.uk/negotiating-between-parents

I would start to mention co parenting agreements, that there will need to be some compromises and boundaries. Start to talk about feeding choices and overnights. I wonder if you could have a joint appointment with midwife to think about newborn needs.

He has already bought himself a prefect prep machine so not sure I can insist on him using my milk if I’m not around.
if you are exclusively breast feeding your baby you can and should insist he use your milk.

"The baby will hopefully be taking my surname (Dad hasn’t agreed to this yet but this is something I feel strongly about)
He doesn't have to agree. Just do it.