Feeling terrible guilt

[Toarrie]

DD is 6 and I’m feeling a mix of am I expecting too much/have we failed her.
DD isn’t doing particularly well at school, which has come as a bit of a shock as she always seemed very bright, mature, spoke well from early on, picked up adult conversations etc. Health visitor always commented at how bright and engaged she was. Now she is slowly progressing with reading and number work. I was consistently in top sets at school, but her dad struggled so sounds like she may take after him which is fine as he has other strengths.
However it is now becoming apparent that she is pretty poor at sport - last in running, slowly progressing with swimming and cannot ride a bike. Dad was very sporty, but I wasn’t.
Neither of us are creative so unlikely she will be.
I am worrying about it, especially the school work side. Of course I encourage her and remind her that her best is enough but concerned I might have failed her in some way. Very hard when I see her friends shining and progressing so well in everything. Soon enough I am sure she will pick up on falling behind and her confidence is already reasonably low (another trait from me).
Any advice on what we can do to support and encourage her?

Why are you still seeing a HV?

What has her teacher said to cause so much concern?

We aren’t which is why I said commented. I am referring to when we saw the health visitor when she was younger and also when the health visitor visited to see her younger sibling.

Is it fair to say your concern at this stage is more her confidence OP?

Nothing. Teacher gives very little away. When we’ve asked how she is getting on we get little more than ‘fine’, that she is picking up things ok. I am looking forward to a change in teacher after the summer.

No main concern is definitely her school work

So teacher has said nothing

so why are you worried about school work?

Do you not get reports? Eg, making expected progress, exceeding, that could help you see where she's underperforming. I think at that age (my ds is the same age) there is still a huge difference in development so you can't really judge academic or sport aptitude yet. Honestly though I know it's a cliche but is she happy and does she have friends? That's what I would be most concerned about and if she is and does there's not much to worry about. I would try and follow her interests and join some clubs, visit museums,etc. maybe consider a tutor to boost her confidence?

Does she do any extra curricular activities? I’d let her try out some until she finds one that clicks.

I'm not sure 'guilt' is quite the word. You sound a bit disappointed that your daughter seems to be (at this early age) less academically bright than you, and less sporty than her father.

That is understandable - we all want our children to do even better than we did - but I think you need to try to let go of that and appreciate her many qualities, rather than wishing she were more like her parents or her friends. Celebrate the little things to give her confidence, involve her in lots of different things so that she has lots of life experiences and can find her 'thing' and continue to 'teach' her in a gentle way, every day.

It doesn't sound as though there is any cause for concern, either academically or physically, but you can gently build her confidence and proficiency at home. Life isn't a sprint, and many 'bloom' a bit later.

Also, ignore the show-offs - things are never as wonderful as they are made out to be.

Because she seems to take a long time to pick things up. From her early years I expected that she would pick things up quicker

Lots of praise and reward for the things that are under her control, and no emphasis or focus on actual results.

acts of kindness
being a cheerful loser
effort
resilience
( improvement, when there is some)
being reliable
being friendly, social able etc in appropriate settings
helping at home
good behaviour
cooking/ growing things
etc,

lots of praise, appreciation and reward for all this type of thing

She might be have talent on other areas that you and you’re DH don’t, or it just hasn’t been realised yet. 6 is still young. Also, having to try harder to pick things up is good in a way, because she may develop persistence and resilience rather than taking for granted that things come easy to her.

We haven’t had school report yet and I think I am struggling with the unknown. We had a short parents meeting and comments seemed scripted and generic.
she does plenty of extra curricular activities but again we have no feedback from these really. I get nothing from her so I don’t know how she is getting on.
she is keen to do everything or try everything. She seems to make friends although we had some issues with her being upset going in to school, initially it was related to a girl being mean and now she tells me she doesn’t want to go as she doesn’t like the work.
I guess I am disappointed (I do mean that in the nicest way as I just want her to do everything and achieve everything) and comparing her to everything I see and hear other children doing.
She was very slow to walk, run and jump so maybe she isn’t developmentally where others are in terms of sporting ability. I really did think school work would have been fairly easy for her though which is probably my main stress.

Summer term and you’re not had a single
report?

The school just do one a year and it’s in the summer term.

I think it's natural to be worried about your child's ability but in the kindest way, I think you need to relax a little.

My DM is a super creative type, my DF is really hands on diy type. Neither of them are at all academic, yet my strengths have always been academic. I can be creative but not in the same way as my DM and I'll give diy a go. What I'm trying to say is don't assume she will have the same strengths as either you or her DF. Give her plenty of opportunities to try new things and I'm sure she'll find something she's great at.

Keep working on building her confidence, noone is good at everything so being able to be okay at something with grace (and appreciate others who are good at that thing) is a great life skill.

Op, I’m in a similar position as you. Ds2 (6) struggles at school. I think there might be a dyslexia diagnosis further down the line. Older DS never struggled with anything. He was always bright enough to get by, excelled at sports etc. I feel like it’s something I’ve done or not done enough of even though I know it’s not the case. However, I say this with kindness, you cannot keep looking at her faults and struggles. She won’t be able to break free of them if you do. What does she do well? Ds2 plays football. He’ll never play for England but he is scrappy and never gives up which I couldn’t say about his older brother! His improvements he makes are worth massive celebrations because he’s tried so very hard to get there. He’s a helper, he’s never happier than when he’s got a job to do whereas ds1 was never like that. Each child is so very different and not being top of the class doesn’t mean she doesn’t ‘shine’ as you put it. On a side note, I do lots of extra school work with DS at home, I make it fun and do a little bit each night and the difference it makes is amazing.

Please don’t write your child off at 6. Learning isn’t liner, somethings she’ll struggle with and others she’ll breeze through.

Sadly I’m not sure we have found something what she does well yet. I assumed until school it would be school work.
her sibling hasn’t started school yet but I know he isn’t as bright so I think I’m more prepared. He has the most wonderful personality though and everyone adores him so I can see his strengths already. DD is much more highly strung

She is 6 years old! This is a crazy amount of worry for a kid so young surely.

This is an unsettling and concerning thread and it has nothing to do with your daughter OP

DD was like this at the same age turns out she has SN. She is expected to get very high results in her A level equivalent exams next month based on her mock results so it levelled off with the right support.

@Bamboozleme I agree, the updates made me really uncomfortable reading them... Op your kids are 6 and younger and you seem to already be writing them off? They have loads of time to find their "thing" and frankly who cares if a kid isn't the smartest or the fastest? Loads of kids do "fine" and that's absolutely... Fine! Your kids will absolutely pick up on your attitude. Please focus on what you love about them and whether they're happy, kind kids and less on what they "struggle" with compared to how you think their classmates are doing. This seems to be more about you tbh.

Ouch OP.

I know you're being honest here not to your daughters face, but you don't sound like you like her very much. She's not bright, she's not sporty, she's not creative and she doesn't have a great personality.