Feeling terrible guilt

[Toarrie]

DD is 6 and I’m feeling a mix of am I expecting too much/have we failed her.
DD isn’t doing particularly well at school, which has come as a bit of a shock as she always seemed very bright, mature, spoke well from early on, picked up adult conversations etc. Health visitor always commented at how bright and engaged she was. Now she is slowly progressing with reading and number work. I was consistently in top sets at school, but her dad struggled so sounds like she may take after him which is fine as he has other strengths.
However it is now becoming apparent that she is pretty poor at sport - last in running, slowly progressing with swimming and cannot ride a bike. Dad was very sporty, but I wasn’t.
Neither of us are creative so unlikely she will be.
I am worrying about it, especially the school work side. Of course I encourage her and remind her that her best is enough but concerned I might have failed her in some way. Very hard when I see her friends shining and progressing so well in everything. Soon enough I am sure she will pick up on falling behind and her confidence is already reasonably low (another trait from me).
Any advice on what we can do to support and encourage her?

(I do mean that in the nicest way as I just want her to do everything and achieve everything

Do you realise how unrealistic this is? Have you done anything and achieved everything? Has your husband? Has anyone you know?

Your daughter is special and extraordinary because she is your daughter and that should be enough. To the rest of the world though, she will be average as most people are.

Is she actually behind? What can't she do? What can she do? Not picking up things quickly is very vague. How are you helping her with this? How much exposure does she get to various topics in child friendly way? What can she do well? Not perfect,not excellent.. but well.

Focus on her confidence, her being a decent human being, not being afraid giving things a go, being happy.

I think you’re getting this out of all proportion - she’s learning at her own pace and what’s wrong with that? To say she has no strengths or anything she does well is setting her up for a lifetime of feeling inadequate. Do you spend plenty of quality time together? Actually having fun and enjoying her company? You also say your youngest isn’t as bright when he hasn’t even started school which is an awful tag to place on him. You haven’t had a parents evening, she might be absolutely where she needs to be. And if she’s not, so what? She’s 6. She’ll either catch up or need some extra help. I know 2 brothers, one who is exceptionally clever with a phd who suffers with crippling social anxiety, the other who scraped through exams but who has a wide circle of friends and a successful career. Success is measured differently for everyone, once you accept that, then you (and your children) will be happier for it.

I think you will do more harm by being disappointed in her when she is only 6 and has her whole life in front of her to learn and develop. Look up the growth mindset, which is hugely important for resilience in today's world of comparison and immediate gratification. Support your DD and encourage her to try, as every mistake or 'failure' is simply a learning opportunity. Parent the child you have, not the one you want.

They all hit milestones at different ages. Support her, encourage her, celebrate her successes and don’t judge.

She’s only 6!

Two things
there is a reason why I have said my youngest isn’t as bright which I am not going into. He definitely isn’t where DD was developmentally.
secondly I love my daughter just for who she is but sadly I can see others don’t (looking directly at the in-laws) or find her very full on.

i am sure we will find something she is good at but I think it is ok for me to find it difficult that she is finding school work harder and less enjoyable than I expected she might.

This is my first time parenting but I assumed incorrectly that if they struggled to pick things up initially that would remain the case. I am sorry if you think I’m a terrible person for worrying about the speed at which my child picks up their school work.

Op, everyone feels that their child should be very bright or exceptional, but they can’t all be can they? Most people’s children are just average. Mine is average, I think. It doesn’t mean there’s anything ‘wrong’ with them.

I don’t think I expected she would be exceptional but I didn’t think she would find learning to read difficult. Maybe I’m naive but again I only hear from her that she finds it hard and I have had nothing more than a generic 10 minute chat with her teacher.

she is keen to do everything or try everything. She seems to make friends

He has the most wonderful personality though and everyone adores him

It makes me really sad that even though your kids have these lovely attributes you’re ‘disappointed’ because they’re not top of the class. Being a ‘trier’ matters just as much as natural aptitude, she sounds enthusiastic and happy. She’s sociable and has friends (never to be taken for granted as many mums on here worry about that). Your son sounds delightful.

Let go of the schoolwork thing, stop being competitive; what other children do doesn’t affect how lovely your kids are.

She is six! Chill out! She may or may not be academic, or sporty or creative or musical but right now she's just busy being six.

if your son has a condition, is there any possibility your daughter does too? I have friend who had one sone diagnosed with a genetic condition, and there other son was erroneously declared to be clear of it, then later in teenage years was tested again, and found to be a carrier, with a few of the symptoms, to a mild extent.

Sorry just to respond to your latest comment, why don’t you and her dad spend more time with her reading and doing other mind engaging tasks? Like jigsaws, ‘educational’ board games, practising writing. You’re her parents after all, it can’t all be up to the school.

Do you not do any reading with her at home?

The more she does things at home that link to school work the better she will grasp things and probably pick them up better. Read together every day, find some maths games to play etc - include both your children in the games / stories etc so it's seen as a family thing to do .

could you ask for a meeting with the teacher?
Also my step daughter, around the same age seemed to always be struggling. Homework was a nightmare and often not finished as she would cry saying she couldn’t do it and we all felt bad. teachers keep saying not much, saying it’s fine etc etc so we thought maybe she’s just slow to pick it up. Anyway, at the end the year she got the award for excellence across the curriculum so from then on everyone knew she could manage her homework 😂
I guess my point is 6 is so young, it might not be that she’s not capable, maybe she hasn’t realised she can do it. But maybe ask to speak with the teacher one to one since you’re worried and hopefully they can put your mind to rest.

My son is delightful and am anything but disappointed in him.
But yes you are right she is enthusiastic and happy. I am not disappointed in her I am disappointed that she doesn’t love learning

He doesn’t have a genetic condition.

Of course. We have read to her every night for her whole life. We do her reading books and any other homework and she consistently complains that it is too hard

The thing is there's no one stopping you booking a meeting with her teacher, having a look at her books if there are any, discussing your concerns.

With the things she's struggling.. do you read to her? Do you make it fun? Do you make it active like writing/reding shopping lists or labels and having her go find them. Find her way to the park going by signs? Write with paint or wet paintbrushes or chalk?

You say you have low self esteem and keep saying you failed. Do you see your daughter's shortcomings as your failure? Do you realise how much pressure that puts on a child? What bullshit it is?

She is a person , with her own thoughts,feelings ,needs and wants. She is not your mirror. She is not a reflection of you.

Your daughter is fine , it's you that needs to do some work and unpick these thoughts and feelings before they do serious damage.

We read with her lots but she has absolutely no interest in jigsaws or educational games as much I try to make it fun. She will spend hours playing with Lego and drawing but as soon as we mention something educational other than us reading to her she isn’t interested.

I tried to discuss with the teacher at parents meeting but I just got a generic quote she read from a bit of paper. I’ve emailed and she says she is fine but nothing detailed.
she definitely could not read or write a shopping list at this stage.
yes I do feel like I have let her down and even more so by the comments on this thread. I don’t put too much pressure on her though.

She will spend hours playing with Lego and drawing

So she is creative? Do you not realise how reductive you are in the way you see her? How much you miss by focusing on what she can't do and how she isn't, rather than what she does do and how she actually is.

Oh my goodness how did I miss that part, I think that’s great!!

With all due respect you need to calm down and take a step back.
She is 6, she has plenty of time to find her niche, guess what, some people don't find it until after they leave education.

She sounds creative and curious, both excellent attributes to have.

At this age all you need to do is encourage her to be conscientious, kind and inquisitive, provide her with opportunities and let her know her value doesn't coke from academic skills.

The way you have written about her is quite heartbreaking, your perspective is skewed and I can't tell you why, only you will know.

Come*

I think you realise this OP, but this is entirely your own problem, not your DDs. She sounds like a completely standard 6 yo. You desperately need to unpick why her supposed ‘short comings’ are some kind of failure on your behalf. Is it because your inlaws don’t like her? Because you see a lot of yourself in her?