Feeling terrible guilt

[Toarrie]

DD is 6 and I’m feeling a mix of am I expecting too much/have we failed her.
DD isn’t doing particularly well at school, which has come as a bit of a shock as she always seemed very bright, mature, spoke well from early on, picked up adult conversations etc. Health visitor always commented at how bright and engaged she was. Now she is slowly progressing with reading and number work. I was consistently in top sets at school, but her dad struggled so sounds like she may take after him which is fine as he has other strengths.
However it is now becoming apparent that she is pretty poor at sport - last in running, slowly progressing with swimming and cannot ride a bike. Dad was very sporty, but I wasn’t.
Neither of us are creative so unlikely she will be.
I am worrying about it, especially the school work side. Of course I encourage her and remind her that her best is enough but concerned I might have failed her in some way. Very hard when I see her friends shining and progressing so well in everything. Soon enough I am sure she will pick up on falling behind and her confidence is already reasonably low (another trait from me).
Any advice on what we can do to support and encourage her?

Op I used to teach (and I am not a very good teacher) but the first class I had a girl arrived at just 6yrs and was one of the poorest readers. When she left my class at 7 yrs+ she was one of the best. It was nothing I did. Give the little one her own time.

Good at talking doesn’t translate into being clever academically, some of the worst communicators are the cleverest people.
U r overthinking it, doesn’t sound like they think she has gone backwards, having clever kids isn’t the b all and end all.
Don’t compare yr children to others, bccs u were in the tops sets doesn’t mean u would have been at another school with more academic children.
Don’t tel yr child know u think they r a failure, they all have their strengths and weaknesses.

To be honest she sounds like my 6 year old - it was a battle to get her to learn to ride a bike and swimming was quite frankly painful to watch - she was in stage 1 for close to 3 years!! In the end it was tough love and parenting - I took her swimming for an hour every week and Intensive half term courses and insisted she learnt to swim without armbands - the over dramatics didn't work on me and she was told quite firmly that unless she started applying herself she'd be in the baby class forever. Same with riding a bike. She cracked both of them and it turns out is actually amazing at both and loads more confident. Gentle parenting might work for some children but not all and some children need firmer direction

How much effort do you put in as a parent when it comes to teaching her to swim or ride a bike or have you just assumed someone else will teach her or she'll just pick it up herself?

Same with school work?

But she might love to learn, her first year/s dont determine her whole education journey. She might hate English and love languages, she may struggle in maths and excel at IT- you just don’t know. The girl who was worst at French in year 7, ended up with a masters in French legal translation, the worst reader at 8 went on to be headgirl in my school. You need to calm down, she needs some additional help, give her that and praise her accomplishments.
My daughter loves gymnastics, she can’t do a cart wheel and her friends can do backflips- doesn’t matter one bit- I applaud her rolly polly and tell her she’ll achieve anything with practice.

You need to relax. You’re going to give your DD a complex & then you really will feel guilty. Encourage her gently & let her develop at her own pace.

She will spend hours playing with Lego and drawing but as soon as we mention something educational other than us reading to her she isn’t interested.

Lego is educational creative putting things together imagination
Drawing is educational creative

She is 6
She l8ves lego snd drawing! That is fantastic!
Chill
Get on the floor and build lego with her
Go out and draw with her

Drama clubs can be good for confidence

Oh OP :( My heart breaks for your daughter because I was her. Never quite excellent enough at anything to make my mum really proud. Throughout my whole life people have commented on how kind and empathetic I am, that I can read people well, that I'm calm in a crisis. People I barely know confide in me because they instinctively trust me. I'm a HCP now, and those qualities have stood me in good stead in my career.
But I'm terribly average at anything quantifiable - sports, academics etc. And I've spent almost 4 decades bearing the weight of my mum's silent disappointment. Even now, I'd give anything for her to be proud of the qualities I do have, but I know she never will be.
Don't be that mum to your lovely daughter.

I am sorry if you think I’m a terrible person for worrying about the speed at which my child picks up their school work.

Oh come on OP, get over yourself - we're not saying you're a terrible person, and you can't help how you feel - but it's important you get some perspective here.

Ok thank you. I’m terrible for feeling like I am not enough and I absolutely do not want my daughter to think that of herself. Although I think I am encouraging, celebrate what she does and say as long as she tries her best I need to sort out my head space probably.
on reflection she is creative, imaginative and passionate. Re the in-laws I think she is just too much for them. They like an easy life and she likes to be on the go doing new things etc so finds time with them boring and therefore acts out. That’s their issue not hers.

I’m sorry if I have come across in the wrong way. I think the world of her and just want the best for her.

So long as she’s progressing (at her own pace!) I wouldn’t worry too much. My DD is in reception and we’ve been told she’s not on track to meet her early learning goals- she’s in the “extra help” group for her phonics/literacy. But in the last couple of months blending has finally clicked for her and she’s starting to read some beginner words. I couldn’t be more chuffed! It doesn’t matter where she stands in comparison to her peers, but where she stands in comparison to herself at the beginning of the year.

I don’t know if you’ve ever watched Bluey but the episode ‘Baby Race’ has a lovely message about this, albeit in relation to younger kids. You can probably find it on YouTube

I do think school can make you go a bit crazy particularly if there are very boastful parents or seem to be huge differences between your children, especially if it is your first child. Just focus on her and realise how special she is In her unique way. You probably will find she will excel in something whether it is maths or art or a sport but 6 is very young to know now. I struggled to read and apparently didn't read much until 7 but went on to love English and study to masters level in it. Is she year 1 or 2?

I see this in the opposite way to others! It’s because you love her so much you are so worried and looking at each area in so much depth, I’m the same! I’d ask for an appointment, push for this if you need to, to get a clearer idea of what she needs help with. If it’s all areas then focus on one in particular to start with.

When it comes to sport, what do you do as a family? I have a few friends who take their children to extra curricular activities but don’t put effort in beyond that, so never actually going swimming or not taking the time to ride a bike. We spent hours encouraging our children on balance bikes before they learnt to ride, same with swimming , we’ve had to take them a lot but they are getting it (finally!) I was terrible at sport at school but want my children to view it positively so if I see taster days for things I book them on and sometimes buy second hand equipment to practise with at the park. That probably sounds over the top but one of their teachers recently commented what good all rounders they are at PE. I was really pleased as this wasn’t necessarily evident at a younger age, we’ve had to work on this! The key is to do it in a fun way!

What does she enjoy doing outside of schoolwork, OP? Does she like any other activities she excels in?

Thank you. Yes I absolutely do it so thank you for seeing through my rambling.
yes we do a lot with her as a family as well as her hobbies. We haven’t been so good at the bike because it is really stressful as she just hates it so much, she is very worried about falling.

Yes I think I am going crazy. I thought it was best not to teach her anything in terms of reading before school as I didn’t want to do it wrong or for her to be bored in class, but it seems like other parents had fully taught their kids to read and write so she already started behind.

DD is in the equivalent of reception so her first year of primary. I haven’t seen it click yet but I am sure it will come soon

I think it's important to remember that there is a wide variety of ways that people learn and mainstream school usually only caters to a few of these so the way your dd is being taught might not be the way she learns the fastest. I'd research it a bit more and observe her and then talk to the teacher to see what they think would be worth revisiting at home and see if there's a way to do it that better suits her learning style.

I'd also note that there are so many more skills out there than the ones you've listed. What if she's an amazing knack for cooking or for empathy or for any of the other skills that are often overlooked or that we come to a bit later. I think you need to sit back and identify what things she is good at and encourage those. Things like kindness and bravery are just as important in the real world as being good at maths.

You just remind me of my panics at the start of their schooling 😊 I’ve come to accept the way things are much more now and I’m so proud of them in different ways.

Perhaps try her on the grass with her bike? Maybe she needs encouragement to take risks and get her confidence up that way? Start small, there’s loads online about taking risks for young children (a risk could be trying a new food, doesn’t have to be all physical).

Try not to worry and really build on what she’s good at. You said Lego and drawing, I’m terrible at both, I just don’t get Lego! Well done to your daughter being good at these 😊

Children do things in their own time not yours, one of mine started reading at 1 Yr old (yes seriously, naturally) riding a bike was hell to teach and once able to do it not interested in ever riding it again (took me hours of running up-and-down the park and he was 7 think he's dyspraxic). Next one got on a bike at 4 and just rode off, played with lego for hours but not interested in reading he was 9 before he found a series of books that took his interest (goosebumps) and became a fluent reader. Next one different again........eventually you will appreciate that so long as they are happy and healthy, that is all that matters!!

Is she summer born? DD1 was youngest in class. Ended up with 4Astar at A a level and is now at a top Uni studying a challenging STEM subject. However, in primary school she never shone academically.

Is there even a slight possibility that she might have some neurodivergence? DD2 also summer born is 18 and has done her A Levels (BBB). It was only a few months ago when she said to me that she couldn't tell the difference between p and b that I realised she might be dyslexic. She is dyslexic. The dyslexia assessor said that schools
Usually don't notice when bright children are dyslexic because they are bright enough to pass the tests that schools run. Also girls, especially bright ones, are good at hiding ASD.

When is she 7 @Toarrie ?@Toarrie ? Just wondering if she's the baby of the class or the eldest? Sounds like you're not in England but the equivalent would be year 2 or 1deoending on her birthday , a year after reception.

If she's still struggling to read etc., it might be worth speaking to the SENCO or equivalent and asking for a proper meeting during school time to talk through your concerns, get some ideas of support, see how school say she's doing compared to expectations.

I recall going to parents evening for my precious first born age 6 and being told "he's a lovely little boy, just not very academic!" By the year 1 teacher.

This was a massive shock to me because I was well aware that he was really interested in Science and often asked what I felt were complex questions. But to anyone on the school staff, he was having speech therapy at age 6, because his speech was very delayed, he showed no sign at all of reading until age 7 and was still only "working towards" in his Y6 SATS in English.

He was later diagnosed with ASD, and Dyslexia, but, he also went on to gain 12 As and Bs at GCSE including English, A levels and a very respectable BSc Hons in IT.

He still struggles to read certain words but generally it doesn't matter because he asks Google. Not academic, my arse😂

Not in England. She is in her first year of school so equivalent to reception in England. Just had her birthday so 12 months until she is 7. She is in the middle in terms of age. We start school later.
I’ve not got much confidence in her teacher at the moment as my friends son is the same age and seems to be at a similar level in terms of reading and they have been told he is struggling.

You were in the “top sets for everything”

can I ask what you’re doing now? What career?