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Original poster

Useless ex

72 replies

Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 15:49

Has anyone found a way to make their ex step up with contact? As it is every single day is "my day" he will only see them at my house if I'm there. I've tried to not let him in the house but he just won't see them then so that won't work. Has anyone found a way to make their ex step up? I need a break and some time to myself occasionally before I go insane.

OP posts:
Cheetahmum · 29/04/2023 15:58

You can't. But you can, and must, assert your boundaries. This is your home and you don't have to let him in and it's confusing for them too (unless a small baby is involved). If he wants to see children he has to make the effort. It has to come from him and may mean he doesn't. It's so rubbish but all the court orders in the world won't make him actually show up and take them.

WheelsUp · 29/04/2023 16:01

You can't. Sometimes they temporarily step up to impress the new girlfriend in their life but sometimes it means they are even less involved.

You don't have to let him in your home. It's your sanctuary and the last thing you want is him eating your food, leaving a mess and shitting in your loo.

Original poster
Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 16:17

There must be a way to get time to see he needs to be more involved? Something I could say? I was reading a post on another group and she was referring to "her days" and "exes days" why should every day be my day 😒

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General parenting
PeterLemonJello · 29/04/2023 18:48

What is the relationship like between Dad and the children? How old are they?

Original poster
Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 19:02

11, 10, 8 and 5 not much of a bond as he doesn't see them often, they never ask about him or ask to see him.

OP posts:
PeterLemonJello · 29/04/2023 19:06

I take it not much of a bond with them when you were together either. He's bound to regret it when he's older. How old is he and does he have his own place? Hope it's not too many questions.

Namechange224422 · 29/04/2023 19:07

Have you already applied for maintenance on the basis of them being with you every night? If not then do that now.

im a single mum and I found that psychologically I felt loads better when I just mentally wrote him out of the picture and assumed everything was on me.

Sort out work/benefits/life etc so that you have a definite break each week, and look at options to give you a couple of weekends a year. Find other people to rely on.

Its hard, it’s unfair but you’ve totally got this.

Original poster
Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 19:12

I don't get maintenance he is on benefits and doesn't have to pay as he has Debts. He is in his 30s and has his own place.

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PeterLemonJello · 29/04/2023 19:26

Is it out of the question for him to have them at his place? You need time for yourself, even if just to relax and recharge.

Original poster
Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 19:47

I’ve tried since we split to get him to take them and have them overnight but he won’t (he lives around an hour and a half away and just won’t take them) all I get is you can’t force someone to be a parent

OP posts:
PeterLemonJello · 29/04/2023 20:49

Is that what he says? You can't force someone to be a parent?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/04/2023 20:59

Unfortunately you can’t force it.

For a control thing my ex actually wasted money on forcing a court order for EOW and alternate Wednesdays (totally unnecessary as he’d never been prevented). He then used that order to control what I did EOW for two years, by continually making me stay at home as he was “intending to collect children as per court order”.

Five times in two years he did it before I finally got it removed.

Nobody can be forced to have contact, or to step up and be a parent.

Original poster
Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 21:21

No its the comments I see online (including this thread) and comments irl. Its seems to be just give up you can't make him but surely someone must have had a word with their ex and got them to understand they need to do their share! He just says he will come down and take them out for the day that's the contact he wants but never bothers to take them out probably because of how expensive it is!

OP posts:
Laurdo · 29/04/2023 21:28

If you need to tell someone they have a responsibility to take care of their own kids then they're already a lost cause.

He knows fine well he needs to be more involved he just doesn't want to be.

PeterLemonJello · 29/04/2023 21:40

Is he an alright guy other than not wanting to spend much time with his children? It's a shame someone can't tell him that his kids need their Dad. I know there are Dads who don't see their kids for lots of reasons but it doesn't seem like there is any reason for him not to. My Dad was lovely but we hardly ever saw him. At the time I didn't really think much of it other than missing him, especially after spending the day with him.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 29/04/2023 21:41

If you'd trust him alone in your house can you go out while he's there? Might be a crazy idea and best not ideal but a bit of alone time maybe.

Has he ever understood and changed before? I'm betting he hasn't and that this selfish behaviour was a big problem when you were together too. It he cared for his DC more than for himself and his needs he'd be seeing them regularly already. If he wouldn't step up for your sake while you were together he's not going to treat you better as an ex. He is the person he is, trying to find the words to make him act differently will just frustrate and hurt you.

piedbeauty · 29/04/2023 21:49

Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 19:12

I don't get maintenance he is on benefits and doesn't have to pay as he has Debts. He is in his 30s and has his own place.

What a useless waste of space he is 😱😱😱

Original poster
Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 22:19

I could leave him in my house, I don’t really trust him but it is an option I guess but I have nowhere to go, not like I have a partner whose house I could go to no chance of me ever getting to date 😒 I don’t have friends houses I could sit in and I don’t want to go to family I just want to chill out!

OP posts:
Laurdo · 29/04/2023 22:29

Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 22:19

I could leave him in my house, I don’t really trust him but it is an option I guess but I have nowhere to go, not like I have a partner whose house I could go to no chance of me ever getting to date 😒 I don’t have friends houses I could sit in and I don’t want to go to family I just want to chill out!

Don't do this. Don't let him in your house. Like others have said, your home is your own personal safe space, you do not need a useless ex infiltrating that.

If that means that he won't see his kids then so be it. They deserve better. They deserve a father who will make an effort to spend time with them.

Original poster
Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 22:31

I get that but I deserve a break, I can’t continue any longer I really can’t. I need some time to myself before I go insane.

OP posts:
QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 29/04/2023 22:33

There is no way to make him step up sadly. He is useless and it sounds like the kids have realised that already.

Would any of your family take them for a day/night to give you a break?

Ginger1982 · 29/04/2023 22:34

It's true though. Taking it to its legal conclusion, no court will grant an order insisting on contact for someone who doesn't want it. It's shit, but a fact. As hard as it is, if he's not willing to step up, you need to just push on with your life.

PeaceLilyCactus · 29/04/2023 22:35

Don’t let him in your home anymore. Stop relying on him and arrange alternative childcare. I couldn’t force my ex to be a good dad or be more responsible. I spent thousands on solicitors and it was a waste of energy and money. You need to arrange for someone else to care for them one night a week/a month if you can.

PaigeMatthews · 29/04/2023 22:42

Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 22:31

I get that but I deserve a break, I can’t continue any longer I really can’t. I need some time to myself before I go insane.

He wont take them as he doesnt want to parent them and he doesnt want you to be able to move on. It is very deliberate.

He isnt helping you to have a break so just stop him coming to your house. He takes them out or does not come. He does not get to come in to your house. There is no option to come past your door.

he will either step up, or walk away. Id guess the latter.

he isnt the way to get time for yourself.

Katekate1991 · 29/04/2023 22:47

My ex is ruining my life from being jealous of my pregnancy, breastfeeding. Its all very odd i wish he wasnt my daughters father.

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