Page 3 | Useless ex

Nachobowls · 2023-04-29T14:49:10+00:00

Has anyone found a way to make their ex step up with contact? As it is every single day is "my day" he will only see them at my house if I'm there. I've tried to not let him in the house but he just won't see them then so that won't work. Has anyone found a way to make their ex step up? I need a break and some time to myself occasionally before I go insane.

Sux2buthen · 30/04/2023 12:02

You can certainly try but he already knows what he should be doing. Simple fact is, he doesn't have to and there's zero consequences for him. Sad but true

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 30/04/2023 12:05

You can’t make the deadbeat scum parent his kids, unfortunately. The choice to have such a large number of kids means life will inevitably be difficult. Rest, peace, free time does not = four kids. You’ve said why you can’t access childcare, relatives won’t mind the kids, the bloke is pointless trash, so what do you think your other options are?

trisfreya · 30/04/2023 12:15

Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 12:01

So I shouldn't have a word with him and say he needs to start taking them for the weekends or at least one night? Its been a couple of years since I last tried.

I’ve tried since we split to get him to take them and have them overnight but he won’t (he lives around an hour and a half away and just won’t take them) all I get is you can’t force someone to be a parent

Why would this make any difference? He is not suddenly going to turn into a decent human being and father just because you have a word with him

Face it, he's an arsehole and his dc will remember who was there for him and its his loss

Yes now is tough for you, but it will end, it will get better you have to power through

Daisydu · 30/04/2023 12:20

Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 19:47

I’ve tried since we split to get him to take them and have them overnight but he won’t (he lives around an hour and a half away and just won’t take them) all I get is you can’t force someone to be a parent

His attitude is awful. But you can’t force him unfortunately. You can however refuse to let him have them at your house. Simply don’t let him in. If that means he doesn’t see them then so be it, you’re not really going to be worse off. I feel for you, he’s an ass, but sounds like the kids won’t really care if he isn’t around anyway!

Lbnc2021 · 30/04/2023 12:27

Was he working when you were together? There’s no way you can make him step up, he’s not interested, once you accept that in your mind it might be easier moving forward and finding other solutions.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 30/04/2023 12:36

Don't have 4 kids if you want 'time off'.

Original poster

Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 12:38

ticktickticktickBOOM · 30/04/2023 12:36

Don't have 4 kids if you want 'time off'.

😅🤣 someone needs to tell my ex that since he gets every day off

OP posts:

Original poster

Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 12:39

I didn't have them by myself or is it only mums that shouldn't get a break or expect the other parent to look after them sometimes?!

OP posts:

SquidwardBound · 30/04/2023 12:48

Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 12:39

I didn't have them by myself or is it only mums that shouldn't get a break or expect the other parent to look after them sometimes?!

But you CAN’T expect it because your ex isn’t going to have them.

That’s the reality.

The best way to build up a relationship where reciprocal babysitting happens is to offer to have their kids - overnight or just for a few hours. Even if they get some weekends off, having the kids while they get their hair cut, go to the gym or something is valuable. Offer. And friends
will usually reciprocate over time.

Original poster

Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 12:52

No they won't, I use to have my nephew all the time for my sister I even had him whilst she went on holiday and took him to school whilst she worked, she's never had mine not once. So no they won't. But thanks for the tip I will use that one with my ex when I discuss it with him "shouldn't have had 4 kids if you don't want to look after them" works both ways

OP posts:

PeterLemonJello · 30/04/2023 13:07

If you've not asked him for a 2 years I definitely would bring it up again about him having them overnight. You absolutely do deserve to have a break.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 30/04/2023 13:09

In real life it doesn't work both ways. Some men are happy to disappear off. All women should contemplate this when they have more and more children. My partner died so I have to do all the work.

If you have children you don't expect weekends off. Even if you are in a relationship. Your children are a 24/7 responsibility. He's decided he can't be arsed so unfortunately that means you have to accept the full time role. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Daisydu · 30/04/2023 13:09

ticktickticktickBOOM · 30/04/2023 12:36

Don't have 4 kids if you want 'time off'.

Stupid comment. I expect she had those kids thinking if anything happened and they split he might actually be half responsible for those kids not just her on her own. What a ridiculous unhelpful comment to make.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 30/04/2023 13:12

Daisydu · 30/04/2023 13:09

Stupid comment. I expect she had those kids thinking if anything happened and they split he might actually be half responsible for those kids not just her on her own. What a ridiculous unhelpful comment to make.

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50:50 responsibility is a rarity unfortunately. Most men are just not made that way. Some are, granted - but it's not the real life norm. Women do need to think of every outcome when bringing people into this world.
You just HAVE to think - what if he buggers off or dies - am I prepared to do this alone if the worst happens?
People need to be realistic.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 30/04/2023 13:14

Sorry if people think I'm being harsh. I'm just a realist. Having children means no 'weekend off'. If you aren't prepared to care for children 24/7 then think again before concieving.

Daisydu · 30/04/2023 13:20

ticktickticktickBOOM · 30/04/2023 13:12

50:50 responsibility is a rarity unfortunately. Most men are just not made that way. Some are, granted - but it's not the real life norm. Women do need to think of every outcome when bringing people into this world.
You just HAVE to think - what if he buggers off or dies - am I prepared to do this alone if the worst happens?
People need to be realistic.

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But he hasn’t buggered off or died. What if she died?! What then? And I think if you don’t expect your kids father to be 50:50 with you responsibility wise you are setting the bar low.

Original poster

Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 13:25

ticktickticktickBOOM · 30/04/2023 13:14

Sorry if people think I'm being harsh. I'm just a realist. Having children means no 'weekend off'. If you aren't prepared to care for children 24/7 then think again before concieving.

Does that not apply to men as well? Or only women?

OP posts:

ticktickticktickBOOM · 30/04/2023 13:26

You can expect it all you like @Daisydu, unfortunately it doesn't mean it will happen.

He has buggered off as he rarely sees them - they have virtually no relationship.
I'd call that being an absent parent. He has chosen that and there's not much OP can do to change it.

The best thing for OP to do (besides continuing to encourage him to see his children) is internally accept it and find other ways to relax around the children. Getting stressed about not having time off is only going to make OP feel worse as it sounds like she's chasing something that isn't going to exist.

Gettingbysomehow · 30/04/2023 13:40

My ex was the same. Never saw DS. Paid zero CMS. Forgot his birthday every year. It was horrible. Now DS is 40 exH is 70 and in poor health. He was ringing DS everyday wanting help and support.
DS doesn't want anything to do with him and has no intention of seeing him. He barely even knows who he is. The phone calls got more and more pathetic and demanding and DS had to block him in the end.
Where do these selfish fuckers get off.

ExpatInSlavikLand · 30/04/2023 13:44

piedbeauty · 29/04/2023 21:49

What a useless waste of space he is 😱😱😱

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Hear hear.

PaigeMatthews · 01/05/2023 08:00

Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 13:25

Does that not apply to men as well? Or only women?

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It applies to the parent who wants to keep the children.

there is no way to force him to look after his children. For the children’s safety.

if you want a break you need to pay for it.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 01/05/2023 08:32

ticktickticktickBOOM · 30/04/2023 13:14

Sorry if people think I'm being harsh. I'm just a realist. Having children means no 'weekend off'. If you aren't prepared to care for children 24/7 then think again before concieving.

I think what you’ve said has absolute merit, but the way you said it is very forgiving of shit men.

being factual is one thing. Yes, you’re right, there’s nothing the OP can do to make someone step up and, unfortunately, that’s just something she’ll have to deal with…

However, it takes a pretty unempathetic person to have have an inability to see that that is a shit show on the part of the other parent in this case. The fact that some people have no choice but to fly solo because of death or illness doesn’t make the OP wrong to be pissed of that she’s having to fly solo because her ex is a lazy prick. It’s perfectly acceptable and understandable to be pissed off about that.

You can be a realist without sounding like you don’t think it’s an issue for men to bin off their responsibilities.

Useless ex

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