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Original poster

Useless ex

72 replies

Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 15:49

Has anyone found a way to make their ex step up with contact? As it is every single day is "my day" he will only see them at my house if I'm there. I've tried to not let him in the house but he just won't see them then so that won't work. Has anyone found a way to make their ex step up? I need a break and some time to myself occasionally before I go insane.

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RelentlessMother · 29/04/2023 22:56

Night not be what you want to hear but it’s what I did with one ex;
wrote down an agreement
where the child visitation would happen, rights and things which we both had to comply with not just him, safety around child etc etc. he didn’t want to sign so I took my son, moved away and never looked back.
is it lawful? No. But he was a violent man involved in drugs who never paid support and wanted control of my life, the courts are shit, child social services are shit. So I took matters to my own hand.
that was 13 years ago. When my son is 15 he can look up his dead beat dad and decide wether he wants to be in touch. i doubt he will want to breath the same air as his father.

Original poster
Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 22:57

my family won’t help, I have 4 children, they won’t help maybe if I have one but people aren’t falling over themselves to babysit 4 children. I can’t afford babysitters; I don’t know anyone that could babysit them and I can’t afford expensive sitters off websites like childcare etc I don’t have that kind of money and like I said I haven’t actually got anywhere to go I just want to rest and chill out.

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qpmz · 29/04/2023 23:33

With 4 kids you definitely deserve a break! Can you talk to the ex's family - do you get on with his mum or sibling?
Why is he so useless after choosing to have 4 children?

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chipswitheveryting · 29/04/2023 23:34

Honestly, my dad met a new woman 30 years ago when I was 16, we ( me and my brothers) only saw him a couple of times a year at best after that. I spoke to him this morning, first conversation in 3 years.

If they choose to opt out, there's nothing you can do.

RelentlessMother · 29/04/2023 23:36

You need to start making serious money. Once you make enough money to afford childcare you’ll never think of this deadbeat again.

Cheetahmum · 29/04/2023 23:38

Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 21:21

No its the comments I see online (including this thread) and comments irl. Its seems to be just give up you can't make him but surely someone must have had a word with their ex and got them to understand they need to do their share! He just says he will come down and take them out for the day that's the contact he wants but never bothers to take them out probably because of how expensive it is!

If he says that's the contact he wants then that's what he gets. Let him know in advance he won't be coming in and when he arrives have the children ready to go out. And stick to it. Do not let him in.

Original poster
Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 23:40

Cheetahmum · 29/04/2023 23:38

If he says that's the contact he wants then that's what he gets. Let him know in advance he won't be coming in and when he arrives have the children ready to go out. And stick to it. Do not let him in.

Show quote history

He will take them to the park for 45 minutes then bring them back

OP posts:
Original poster
Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 23:58

qpmz · 29/04/2023 23:33

With 4 kids you definitely deserve a break! Can you talk to the ex's family - do you get on with his mum or sibling?
Why is he so useless after choosing to have 4 children?

He doesn’t have parents anymore. He has siblings but they haven’t seen the children in years since we split actually as he never takes them so they dont see his siblings and I don’t have contact with them.

OP posts:
Cheetahmum · 30/04/2023 08:50

Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 23:40

He will take them to the park for 45 minutes then bring them back

Show quote history

Only if you're home!

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 09:14

I think you're best off assuming he is a waste of space and will never help out. Pretend he doesn't exist really. It's the only way to make peace with the idea you're on your own and he doesn't give a shit.

PaigeMatthews · 30/04/2023 10:01

Cheetahmum · 30/04/2023 08:50

Only if you're home!

Show quote history

She doesn't want to go out. She wants to relax at home.

but op, you can’t. You dont have that option. The only thing i would suggest is putting the work in now to possibly get it. And i know it feels like work.

he takes them. You go out and stay out. Go anywhere. Make sure he doesn't have a key to your house.

do that a few times and he will either get the message and work out a better plan.

or he will stop coming at all.

Original poster
Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 11:08

Even if I did want to go out I have nowhere to go I don't have a partner, I don't have friends or families houses I can sit in for hours and I don't want to wander aimlessly around the shops I have no money to spend. I want him to take them overnight like pretty much every other father does. 2 hours isn't going to cut it as he doesn't see them weekly even he will go months between seeing them.

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PeterLemonJello · 30/04/2023 11:15

What do you do during the day when they are at school?

trisfreya · 30/04/2023 11:26

Dont let him in your house, and think about getting your locks changed

You know you cant rely on him, so you need to try and make plans for you - you had 4 dc (yes I know you thought you would have support but he's an arsehole) you need to deal with them. They wont be young for long

How old are they?

trisfreya · 30/04/2023 11:27

Nachobowls · 29/04/2023 19:02

11, 10, 8 and 5 not much of a bond as he doesn't see them often, they never ask about him or ask to see him.

so what do you do while they are at school?

Original poster
Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 11:38

They are not all in school as one is at home and I am not looking for advice on that as it won't change things. No they won't be young forever but I've got at least another 10+ years before I get a break if I don't go insane first so 16 in total. My life has changed a lot my mum use to help me out all the time and would have the children to give me a break until my brother had his kids and she stopped bothering with mine but that's a different story, but I've gone from having family support to having none including from ex. I'm not talking a few hours I need a weekend to myself which is what most other single mums get so not sure why that would be unreasonable. They have a father who has had every single night to himself for the last 5 almost 6 years. I need advice on how I can get him to take them for weekends

OP posts:
trisfreya · 30/04/2023 11:44

He is not going to take them for the weekend and you know that.

"Most other single mums" I dont think most other single mums get weekends off, some do sure, but a lot dont. There are the widowed as well as separated.

And what about those in relationships that are with partners who are worse than useless...

You either need to work more and pay for childcare or get a bigger friendship group and swap babysitting.

SquidwardBound · 30/04/2023 11:45

You can’t make him. That’s what you need to understand.

You can not let him in your house, and see if that makes him pull his finger out and take them to softplay (or whatever minimal effort thing he’s currently incapable of). But you can’t make him do anything.

Original poster
Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 11:47

trisfreya · 30/04/2023 11:44

He is not going to take them for the weekend and you know that.

"Most other single mums" I dont think most other single mums get weekends off, some do sure, but a lot dont. There are the widowed as well as separated.

And what about those in relationships that are with partners who are worse than useless...

You either need to work more and pay for childcare or get a bigger friendship group and swap babysitting.

no one is going to have 4 kids swapping babysitting isn’t an option

OP posts:
Original poster
Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 11:49

Im on many single parent groups and I know enough single parents to know many do get the weekends off, even on here yes some like me don’t but we are very much the minority

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trisfreya · 30/04/2023 11:50

soon your 11 and 10 year olds will be old enough not to need a babysitter.

Get a big group of friends, and split your kids between them - or just kind of accept you had a choice to make 4 dc so you're stuck for the next few years.

SquidwardBound · 30/04/2023 11:51

Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 11:49

Im on many single parent groups and I know enough single parents to know many do get the weekends off, even on here yes some like me don’t but we are very much the minority

There is literally no point comparing your life to other people’s.

It doesn’t matters if most single mums get some weekends off. You don’t. Your ex doesn’t take responsibility for his children. That’s the reality.

You can’t change him. Or make him do anything. It’s a shit hand to have been dealt, but it’s the cards you’ve got so you have to play them as best you can.

Sux2buthen · 30/04/2023 11:56

I have 3. No breaks, no financial support and the extra joy of paying his debts. It used to eat me up inside, life is better now I've just accepted it.

Original poster
Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 11:58

I know single some mums they don't need to swap babysitting as their exes are involved and already get the weekends off. I don't know any single mums who don't and where would I look for specifically single mums where the father is not involved 🤔 would be quite an odd thing to go looking for and would come across like I'm looking to make friends for someone to have my kids also known as a CF. Its difficult enough to make new friends as an adult never mine trying to find such a specific requirement like a needle in a haystack. The single parent groups im on i find it very hard to relate to them a their exes are all very much involved.

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Original poster
Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 12:01

So I shouldn't have a word with him and say he needs to start taking them for the weekends or at least one night? Its been a couple of years since I last tried.

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