Would this upset you if this happened to your child?

[Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase]

My 8 year old son is bright and I’ve been told this by all his teachers. Unfortunately he can be difficult sometimes because he doesn’t always follow instructions and doesn’t listen. His teacher has raised this with us and we are trying to deal with it.

His school awards star of the week and if a child earns this award it is announced at assembly including the reason why and they are given a certificate and a sticker. My son was given star of the week yesterday and it was announced to all the kids in assembly that he was star of the week for being ‘much more focused’. He told us this made him feel embarrassed.

I know his teacher meant well and was trying to recognise an improvement in his behaviour but I feel a bit upset by this - deep down I think I’m worried for him because he is very bright but unless he changes his approach to school and his behaviour then he is going to waste the opportunity he has to do really well.

I'd dig into why he felt embarrassed, he had a target suitable for him and has been rewarded for working well towards it. Nothing to be embarrassed about, as he knew it was something he needed to improve.

Also ask him what the other stars of the week got it for or the last few in his class .... I expect very few even registered what he got it for.

No, that wouldn’t have upset me. It’s good he’s made improvements to a target specific to him. The other kids almost certainly won’t give a shit what his award was for.

Aw I think it’s great he was recognised for improving in an area he normally struggles with. That means his efforts have been recognised. That’s really important and I think it’s normal for teachers to do that.
better than only praising doing well in subjects and tests etc - that’s how it was when I was in school and so it was always the same kids who got awards!

I know his teacher meant well and was trying to recognise an improvement in his behaviour but I feel a bit upset by this - deep down I think I’m worried for him because he is very bright but unless he changes his approach to school and his behaviour then he is going to waste the opportunity he has to do really well.

Yet you're objecting to him being made aware that he doesn't generally focus enough. No I wouldn't be upset about it, it sounds like this is exactly what he needs and if you want him to be shielded from this reality, then he will end up as you have said above.

No I wouldn't be upset about this.

This is fine and he should be applauded for achieving his goal!

He's now bright and focused- get that boy a treat!

That wording tells me he still hasn’t met the expected standards of behaviour, but they want to encourage him to keep trying.

It also makes it clear to his other classmates that he isn’t getting special rewards for something they are expected to do, day in, day out.

Just as an aside, I know some hearing impairments (like glue ear) can make it seem like they are not listening, or result in students zoning out as it’s hard work trying to make sense of what you can hear. Have you seen an audiologist to check?

You need to dig deep and find out why he is embarrassed. Is it because he is embarrassed by his usual behaviour or because he is worried the other children don’t think he is bright. Help him explore his emotions and work out how he change his behaviour to make himself happier.

yes, it would and did upset me, when my son got "star of the week" in the school weekly newletter for "improved behaviour" 🙄- 20 years later he, and I, and several other school mums, still remember it.....I'm still annoyed

I would be full of praise and give him a treat of some sort this weekend. I wouldn't try to dig into why he was embarrassed yet. Just make a big deal of his achievement.

He's embarrassed because he's been told he doesn't listen or focus. He feels his class is aware of this too and now the school with the certificate saying "well done for concentrating more this week when we know you can't usually"

So yes I can see his side and see why he felt embarrassed.

Have you looked into why he can't focus? Your sons self esteem has taken a hit here and lots of people seem to think that's ok? I think you need to work with him to get to the root of the issue here and why he feels that way about himself.

Everybody has stuff that they need to work on. Being more focused is as worthy of recognition as say learning the 7 times table which may have come easily to him. I think it's positive that the teacher noticed his effort with focusing.

I think if he's embarrassed you need to look at how you're approaching this with him. If he feels shame for not being focussed generally then that's coming from either you or the school (or both).

He has no need to be embarrassed that he struggles and he definitely does need to be embarrassed that he's trying and succeeding to improve this.

I wouldn't be upset and I would hope that my child wouldn't either.

I think the first two points @MrsMarple makes here are key. Lots of posts on here complain about quiet, well-behaved children being regularly overlooked for school achievement awards while badly-behaved classmates are recognised for improvement because they take up far more classroom time and teacher headspace. This is the school saying that this child is not yet meeting standards for classroom behaviour, but his increased effort is being noted, and also a signal to other children that he’s not getting undue recognition for something they do, unrewarded, on a daily basis.

I think it’s fine. Worth exploring why your son feels embarrassed, when presumably he’s not embarrassed by his disruptive behaviour in the classroom. I mean, does he think that goes unnoticed?

Sorry, @MsMarple!

I'm genuinely struggling to get the problem here.

I guarantee brain surgeons are "more focused" when performing an operation than when they're sorting laundry for example.

Or F1 drivers are more focused when driving at 100mph than when they're taking a shit.

I don't mean to sound flippant, but being "more focused" when it counts is a key skill that should be recognised like any other.

He should be proud of himself and you should be proud of him.

Daft. He was given a behavioural target and a reward for achieving it, what's the issue?

He / you can hardly imagine the other kids haven't noticed that he doesn't listen / follow instructions, anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

No, not an issue.
Stars of the week are awarded for achieving targets or improvements - reading, behaviour, all sorts. Without highlighting why the star of the week was awarded it would be pointless. It also helps motivate other children.

I'd wonder why he doesn't feel embarrassed about his usual behaviour if it is a choice and not as a result of some undiagnosed issue like adhd or glue ear. If he is embarrassed because he is usually pratting around then he needs to accept his previous behaviour was not to school expectation.

Your sons self esteem has taken a hit here and lots of people seem to think that's ok? I think you need to work with him to get to the root of the issue here and why he feels that way about himself.

Because it's ok to be criticised sometimes - we don't have to never tell kids their behaviour isn't meeting the required standard because it might make them feel bad. He needs to learn to improve on these things.

Nobody's saying don't talk to him about why he's embarrassed, but I think it's ridiculous to imply nobody should ever mention to him that he isn't listening enough.

Why? What would you have preferred?

One thing you should consider is this - does it mean he is proud of messing around and not listening? Is he trying to live up to the reputation of being the class clown or something? That’s what you should focus your attention on. Why be embarrassed for doing what is expected of him?

I would have preferred him not to get star of the week - so would he, rather than have his behaviour publicly criticised - I am not denying he was a naughty boy, but he was severely traumatised with attachment disorder.

Because implicit in the award was that he hadn’t always behaved well? Were you under the impression no one else had noticed his bad behaviour before an improvement was rewarded?

Annoyed at what? Maybe you should have focused your ire on the behaviour that needed improving??
How self obsessed can you get; imagining the other school mums remember it twenty years later 😂. Unless this was a joke post?