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Original poster

Don't want my son to start nursery

85 replies

wetwipe2 · 20/04/2023 14:14

My son turned 3 in February and is due to start nursery for the first time next week. I'm beginning to have major doubts about it and don't want him to go.

We do classes and play sessions most days at the moment, but he's not very confident socially and I think he's going to struggle in a group setting. I can't bear the thought of walking away and leaving him, especially if he's in tears.

His language skills aren't the best either so I worry that he won't fully understand what's going on and that we're coming back. DH is keen to send him as he thinks it'll help his social skills, but I want to back out.

He's down for three days a week.

WWYD?

OP posts:

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Wenfy · 20/04/2023 15:40

I’m all for kids staying at home when parents have access to all the resources needed to support a child’s development. But if for those kids who don’t have that amazing head start nursery is proven to help.

marrymeadam · 20/04/2023 15:43

like @FishChipsMushyPeas alluded to, my DD cried like mad when I dropped her off, as soon as I was out of sight she was fine. It was almost like she was doing it for my benefit! Give him a month and if he hates it take him out but give him a chance

Mrsjayy · 20/04/2023 15:43

Children are like sponges and thrive on new experiences although they might be shy and unsettled for a while they usually settle into nursery OK. I think him doing things without you is fine and I think this might be what it's about you not having him with you let him go try it for maybe a term see how it goes , preschool.nursery gets him and you into the routine for school which will be another huge step for you to get over.

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aSofaNearYou · 20/04/2023 15:45

CharlotteDoyle · 20/04/2023 14:30

I mean this kindly, but it sounds like the issue is more about you than your son. A lot of parents feel worried when their children go through transitions, and starting nursery/school is a big one. Just try to make sure your decision is based on what's in your son's best interests and isn't driven by your own fears/insecurities. IMO nursery is beneficial to most children and helps prepare them emotionally and socially for reception. But you know your kid best.

Agree with this. He will be starting school soon and you will have to leave him. School will be a harder adjustment than nursery. I think you should send him, it could be just what he needs.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 20/04/2023 15:56

He’s three. It’ll do him good to realise there’s life away from mummy. Especially if he’s going to start school in the nine-too-distant future.

It won’t set his confidence back. Bit I urge you, don’t whip him out at the first sign of tears. Because tears initially are really normal.

TinyTeacher · 20/04/2023 16:10

Seconding @Newnamenewname109870 . If you don't NEED him to go, take it slow and do 3 mornings. Then do morning + lunch. Gradually work it up.

My eldest didn't suit nursery. She was there for 9 months and I was never happy with it. But she started a preschool with shorter days and loved it.

If there's no need to push it take your time and fill your child's cues. 3 full days a week is quite a lot if he's used to veing with you.

TinyTeacher · 20/04/2023 16:12

I don't agree that tears are necessary. If you have the luxury of taking settling in slowly they cfan be avoided

rattlinbog · 20/04/2023 16:18

Mine has been at nursery since 1yo. Honestly he'll be absolutely fine. In fact, at age 3 it's really beneficial for kids. They need to learn how to socialise and form friendships.

MsSquiz · 20/04/2023 16:39

If he turned 3 in February then he was born just before lockdown, and has spent a large amount of his life at home with you before you could go to groups and activities.

I was in a similar position as my dd turned 3 in December, so slightly older than your son. We started her at nursery 3 mornings a week at 18 months because she had (mainly) only been around DH and me for the majority of her life. She loved it. It built her confidence so much, having her peers to play with. She now goes 3 days a week in preparation to start 5 days a week at school nursery in September.
I found when we started in person groups, she didn't want to sit or interact with the other children. She preferred to sit with me or on my knee, whereas at nursery she would happily go off and play with others because she didn't have the "security blanket" of me or DH there.

Respberrypachouli · 18/05/2023 10:15

OP if you don’t send him now it might be harder for him to start school. It’s such a shock to go 5 days a week if you didn’t have time away from mum at all.
My son was very shy. And I gave myself shingles worrying how he’s going to take pre school (and then I cried for a month straight when it was time to start school… anyway). He hated pre-school, he cried, he was having angry outbursts… but you know what? He did become a lot more sure in himself. It showed him that he can handle situations by himself, without my intervention and that I trusted him to do well and thrive away from me too. He went to school without any problems at all. Good luck!

CurlewKate · 18/05/2023 15:52

If you don't need to send him for work or for your mental health, then don't send him! He doesn't need to go to get him ready for school-that's what Reception is for.

MyUsernameIsBetterThanYours · 18/05/2023 18:17

Hazelnuttella · 20/04/2023 14:24

My DS is always very clingy/shy when I take him to playgroups. He’s absolutely fine at nursery without me and loves it.

Have some faith in him, he’ll be able to handle it.

Mine too!

@wetwipe2 I think you need to be prepared that his confidence might seem to be taking a knock initially. We had quite a bit of separation anxiety at the start, and he was tearful and drop off and pick up. I was feeling really worried we hadn’t selected the right nursery. He still is tearful sometimes at drop off but the minute we’re gone he’s forgotten about us and has a great time. I’m completely confident he gets a lot out of it.

If you’re going to do it, I’d give it a month to really give him time to adjust.

webster1987 · 18/05/2023 18:24

I was in your position 6 weeks ago OP. My son was 14 months when he started and I dreaded it for ages. He was very unsure in social settings and even groups we'd been going to for months, he would still need about half an hour before he'd dare to leave my side. Because of this I had the same fears as you, in that it wouldn't work and he wouldn't settle. I posted on here and had some reassurance from others that it just takes time and he would settle. I was doubtful.

I wanted to comment as he now absolutely loves it and throws himself as the nursery workers as soon as he sees them. My absolute favourite part of my day now is picking him up. The first 2 weeks were hard to drop him off and hear him cry but they assured me this stopped very shortly after I left. 6 weeks later and it's a different story and I genuinely feel happy to take him as I know how much he enjoys it.

Give it a go, he might surprise you!

Mumofoneandone · 06/10/2023 10:19

I'm going to be controversial and say don't send if it doesn't feel right for you/him atm. (And if you don't need the childcare).
If you are content with the set up you have, just keep going with it - maybe check with GP/HV if you do need to check out his speech etc. This is more for peace of mind.
I'm a SAHM and eldest child - daughter - did 3 mornings a week kindergarten unti FT school at 5. She could be quiet, could communicate well but clear speech came later. Son went to preschool 2 mornings a week at nearly 3.5, then 3 mornings a week at 4. This worked well for both of them and gave me a little time away from them. They are both really happy and socialable.
Maybe also read Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph, found it really helpful.

Sandrine1982 · 06/10/2023 10:23

When is he starting school? Next year or year after?

honestly attending nursery will only be beneficial for him.

He's not so young! He'll be fine. My DD started at 12 months and has grown into a super confident 4 year old who's now in reception.

Just don't worry about it...

BurbageBrook · 06/10/2023 10:31

If you're a SAHM why does he have to go? Why does your DH's view trump yours? How about just sending him a couple of mornings a week -- full days are a lot!

ColleenDonaghy · 06/10/2023 10:32

Temporaryname158 · 20/04/2023 14:23

If he lacks self confidence and language at 3 despite your efforts to socialise etc then I think you need the additional element nursery provides. It’s not all or nothing, it’s 3 days and 4 at home. He will be starting school in a year and a half and I think it sounds like he needs to formal socialisation. And the activities they do to prepare him for school

Exactly this, sounds like nursery could be brilliant for him, and it's well worth getting him used to being away from you long before school.

If this is his first time leaving you then it won't be surprising if he doesn't love it at first, but stick with it, big bright smiles, cheerful hug and wave, then leave quickly with a "See you later!".

My DC have gotten so so much out of nursery.

Pugfin · 06/10/2023 10:40

Can you compromise and do half days or something? I agree with a PP that this is a lot more about you than your DS, 3 is a great age for them to spend time in an environment such as nursery and to learn that time away from their primary caregiver is okay as they come back.

CurlewKate · 06/10/2023 10:41

If you don't have to send him for work or for your mental health and you don't want to-then don't!

CurlewKate · 06/10/2023 10:49

@Pugfin "DS, 3 is a great age for them to spend time in an environment such as nursery and to learn that time away from their primary caregiver is okay as they come back."

Reception is also good for this.

Ladyj84 · 06/10/2023 10:55

Oh gosh our 3 under 3 start in January and now I don't know if I want them to so I feel you

FloweryName · 06/10/2023 10:57

He can’t develop the confidence to be away from you if he is never given the opportunity.

CurlewKate · 06/10/2023 11:01

"He can’t develop the confidence to be away from you if he is never given the opportunity."

That's what reception is for. And he'll be older then. Nursery is not compulsory.

Pugfin · 06/10/2023 11:02

CurlewKate · 06/10/2023 10:49

@Pugfin "DS, 3 is a great age for them to spend time in an environment such as nursery and to learn that time away from their primary caregiver is okay as they come back."

Reception is also good for this.

I mean it's doable yes, I don't agree reception is good for this though, it's more that they will learn to cope because at this point they have to. Going from nothing to at best half days for a week or two and then full school days is very different to going from 3 x half days or whatever at nursery where ratios are smaller and there's more flexibility in the routines and environment.

Pugfin · 06/10/2023 11:02

Its also not 'what reception is for'.

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