Don't want my son to start nursery

[wetwipe2]

My son turned 3 in February and is due to start nursery for the first time next week. I'm beginning to have major doubts about it and don't want him to go.

We do classes and play sessions most days at the moment, but he's not very confident socially and I think he's going to struggle in a group setting. I can't bear the thought of walking away and leaving him, especially if he's in tears.

His language skills aren't the best either so I worry that he won't fully understand what's going on and that we're coming back. DH is keen to send him as he thinks it'll help his social skills, but I want to back out.

He's down for three days a week.

WWYD?

Can he do three mornings rather than three full days? That's what my DC started with.

His speech and social skills are most likely poor as he is getting so little interaction with other people - just you all the time. School will be a rude awakening at this rate!

He will probably surprise you and absolutely thrive!

It sounds like it will be good preparation for you for when he starts school.

Definitely send him! It will be good for him to prepare him for starting school in a few months but it seems that it might be even better for you...

The reasons you’ve given are exactly why I would take him to nursery if I were you. The ability to socialise will develop with the consistency of other nursery children around him. It’s hard at groups if he’s shy to build up a rapport with children he only sees for short bursts of time. Nursery staff will be able to help him with his speech and give you ideas of things to try at home. The alternative is he carries on as he is and struggles further down the line.

Gently, if you're concerned about his social skills and language at the moment then carrying on doing what you're doing won't speed that up any, but nursery may well bring both along. My eldest was very underconfident and shy, but going to preschool has been the making of her and consequently I'm not remotely worried about her starting school in September now, as others have said any childcare at 3 is a gentle stepping stone rather than having the 'all or nothing' when school does happen.

So we live abroad and my 2.9 year old was only ever with me. I wanted him to go to nursery 2 mornings a week to have some time away from me, to hang out with other children. Especially as I was pregnant. The time he was at home with me, we did playgroups and tumble tots, so he had lots of interaction but he was still quite shy and unsure of himself, he'd step back from toys or swings if other children were approaching. Nursery had built his confidence and I quite enjoyed watching him at the park two weeks ago telling off a 5/6 year old for not letting him in the toy box😅
It also helped him realise being away from me is ok. I'll always be back. So when I left him for two nights to give birth, he managed with my auntie (who flew over to help). It has done wonders for him and he really enjoys it

A lot of the time they surprise you with how much they love it and how much his language may well come on. I say this as a sahm that put both children into preschool nursery. Ds would tell me he only ever played at the sand table despite there being photos of him at all the tables, in the dress up clothes, playing in the pretend cafe or shop etc. It really does help them and you could always just do mornings if you feel it is too much. But base that on feedback from nursery.

He doesn't have to go.

But

He will enjoy it
He will learn developmentally and socially
It will be good for him.

You don't have to send him. If you don't need him to go for your work, and you're happy socialising and enjoying time with him, then don't send him.

Reception is for settling kids in to the school day.

Have a look online at what skills he needs to start school and work on those yourself.

Independence with shoes and coats, recognising his name, independence with the toilet - all skills that make school life a whole lot easier.

I've worked in nurseries and schools. And now home educate my kids. There is no right answer.

One of my kids loved nursery and it really improved her confidence with other children and she still has friends she made in nursery now.

The other hated it. She cried every day she had nursery and clung to me. Her teacher said she stopped as soon as I left. And she did. But she tells me now that it was because she didn't want any attention from the teacher or other adults and crying children had hugs and fuss.

Maybe try it. Give it a month or so and see how you feel then?

My daughter is 11 now and enjoys her friends and attends groups without me. But there was no rush. And I regret sending her to nursery.

It depends on the child, and the nursery. But it's not essential or even preferential. It's available.

Do you work? If not why don't you do 1 or 2 days a week at nursery instead? I think it would be good to try. You'll be amazed by how much he learns and it will help prepare him for school. The first few weeks might be hard, but you never know he could take to it really well.

The difficulty with just 1 or 2 days a week is they never really settle. They need a minimum of 3 really for routine and familiarity

Sounds like it might do him good. If he's only ever with you, the jump into school with no in-between might be a bit of a shock for him.

Preschool is really important to aid their transitions to school.

Better for him to get used to it now while it's still optional. It was quite clear in my son's class who'd been at some kind of pre school and who hadn't.

Tbh though this sounds like a you issue not a him issue. I think you having some time away from your child will help you adjust too.

My son was extremely anxious as a 2 year old, diagnosed selective mute. Being at school (when covid allowed) made a huge difference to him. His teacher worked so hard with him to build his confidence ready for school.

You don't have to send him, you don't have to send him to school. I kept mine at home till KS2, they had lots of fun, very little "home school" and started school ahead of their peers which caused a whole lot of issues with a teacher who was horrified that a non professional could teach a child to read but that was her problem not ours.

I think your anxieties about it are coming out. Don't let your worries have an affect on your child. It will be good for him and in turn it'll be good for you. Your DH is right, give it a go. The first few weeks will be hard and you'll probably want to quit but try not to. It'll be ok x

I’ve never come across a setting that allows 1 day a week but my 2YO does 2 mornings and loved it from the first session, we didn’t even bother with me staying or any of the usual settling as it was obvious he was fine. However, we’ve had the opposite problem to not settling- we do the school run for the eldest and he gets upset when we go past the road to nursery and don’t go that way so he’ll be doing 5 mornings from September!

He will benefit from it loads at this age. He'll come on leaps and bounds.

When my DS was 2 he had very limited language skills and no social skills whatsoever. I put him in nursery two mornings a week and the change in him is unbelievable. Yes he was a bit upset at first until he settled in, and sometimes he will still get a bit upset at drop off, but his key worker assures me that he stops as soon as I'm gone.

My youngest was very clingy, she had a world of confidence when by my side but was unable to interact with others unless she was touching me or near me or could see me. I did worry about nursery but actually it was the making of her.

She is going to school in September and she surprises me every day with her confidence to do things without me. On holiday over Easter she went on stage at a show we went to and I was beaming with pride. She was so chuffed with herself.

I think she realised that I am still always there for her but she can do things without me.

I work in a preschool (2-4). What I wouldn't do is put him in and then pull him out when he cries. That'll be teaching him all sorts of wrong stuff. He will likely cry a bit to start with and you should prepare for that, but he will definitely pick up your anxiety and cry more if he senses your anxiety. You need to put some big girl pants on and be a mum who is in control and doing the best thing for her child.

I work in a preschool and 3 is a great age to start. I think by 4 it's a little late to be developing the skills to play games with other kids etc. if you have become dependent on playing with adults or alone. If you have a large family and he's exposed to long periods playing with other kids then that's great and it's not a problem. But if you are currently his world then it's not that surprising he's not socially confident with other kids. I actually think delaying it further will make it worse.

Basically, I don't think you're doing him any favors by being so clingy!

If he doesn't have to go for your work or your mental health, don't send him. Simple!

Why not try it and see? I think you need to frame it as exciting, and not let your own worries project onto him as that won’t help. It’s not going to get any easier, and not long until school.

DD started pre-school in January at 3 years 2 months with 2 mornings. After a few weeks she was happy to go (initially was a bit upset leaving me but then fine pretty much straight after, I hung around to check!) She loves it now and I've added on an afternoon on a different day too. The key for me is the staff - they are lovely, genuinely care about the kids and are really flexible with hours, how to settle the kids, help with using the toilet etc - I trust them completely which made the initial few sessions a lot easier for me. I'll increase to a couple of full days before she starts school (over a year away so I have time) as I only get 15 funded hours.

He hasn’t though. He isn’t socially confident or good at language in your words and at 3 that can be helped by exposure to different people and personalities. Keeping him home isn’t going to change anything so you might as well try something new.