If your 6 your old said this to DH what would you say, if anything

[Unhelpful]

DH said to the kids “I am going away for two days, I’ll see you on Saturday”.

6 year old says “Yay! No daddy for 2 days!”.

He is a reasonable dad but the kids don’t have much attachment to him, not through lack of effort on his part, he’s just not very engaging or authentic with them.

Should I have defended DH? Or let the 6 year old get away with the joke (he said it as a ‘joke’, even though it was a very hurtful one. He does love his dad, just doesn’t miss him when he’s not around)?

I would take it as a joke- sometimes my 6 year
old says yay a mummy day or yay a daddy day. Clearly the joke aside you think he doesn’t do enough with them- change that.

Well it's not a joke is it, so yes I'd be having a discussion about how unkind it is. How would you have felt if he'd said it about you and your DH had just brushed it off as oh he's joking?

I would find this upsetting and worrying to be honest!

Erm I think this is on his dad tbh

You could comment “ oh poor daddy! That is not a nice thing to say!” And then laugh it off. It’s just a kids thing, nothing to worry about

Yup this. I would be speaking first to your DH.

I wouldn't think too much of it. He's 6. 6 year old say all sorts of things which rarely have a deep meaning to them.

I’d use it as an opportunity to point out that saying hurtful things will have consequences to other peoples feelings. Six is not too small to realise that.

It should be a joke and if it isn't, your oh has work to do.

Thank you everyone, the mix of responses reflects the conflict inside of me! This sort of thing has happened in the past and I might have said ‘thats not a very nice thing to say, I’m sure you’ll miss daddy a lot’ but I’ve stopped saying it now because it feels disingenuous. But saying nothing felt odd.

I do feel it’s on DH, but also he can only be who he is. He’s just not very easy to connect with. There’s not much I can do about it!

I wouldn’t and haven’t said to my dc ‘that’s hurtful, you can’t say that’.
Because I’m not sure why I would tell my child they aren’t allowed to express their true feelings - even if it hurts the other person.

Im assuming that it was not a joke (that would be a No-No) or said to hurt (again a No-No) but the reflection about his age his dad relationship.

I WOULD seriously question what’s going in at home that my child is happy that his dad isn’t here.
I would hope your DH is doing so too. What does he say about it @Unhelpful?

Out of the mouth of babes and all that.

Look, your DH should see this as a wake up call. It's not on you, he sounds like a bit of a shit dad and your six yo sees it.

What is he going to do about it? That's the only thing I'd be saying....so now you know how she feels, what's your plan to change this?

But what if this is the TRUTH?

Should we tell our dcs that other people’s feelings are more important than theirs and they should hide how they feel instead?
Where do we tell them the limit is between you aren’t allowed to say something hurtful to someone and this is really important and you need to voice your discomfort/hurt etc….

I wouldn’t and haven’t said to my dc ‘that’s hurtful, you can’t say that’.
Because I’m not sure why I would tell my child they aren’t allowed to express their true feelings - even if it hurts the other person.

My first instinct is that I agree with this. It’s what I initially thought but then I second guessed myself.

I WOULD seriously question what’s going in at home that my child is happy that his dad isn’t here.
I would hope your DH is doing so too. What does he say about it @Unhelpful?

my DH is a very peculiar person and I actually would very much like to separate from him. He has no discernible personality and struggles very much to allow his true self to be apparent. I don’t understand him at all and we’ve never connected on an emotional level but that’s a while other thread. He’s just not missable and I don’t blame the kids for not missable, however I do want to do the right thing for everyone. I want to make sure that I am doing my best to cultivate a good relationship between them because he does love them very very much and would do anything for them. One of the reasons I am struggling to separate is because I think they will never want to go and spend time with him if I’m not there.

I think I agree. If it comes up I might try and say this to him but he will become defensive and probably blame me for bringing them up to be disrespectful (this has happened before).

If he's that unengaged, and doesn't really interact with them, I don't understand why the "yay, no daddy for 2 days!"

Why is your son so happy about something that won't really make any difference? That doesn't make sense to me.

Yes this.

@Unhelpful I think you’re overthinking and picking up your DH’s emotional work. If the comment hurt him, that’s his work to reflect on why it hurt him and what he can do to improve his relationship with his kids. You can support him in that reflection but it’s not really your work to censor your kids or save your DH from feeling hurt.

My dd would say similar and she has a great relationship with her dad and they spend lots on 1:1 time. For her though she knows she'd have sleepover with mummy, go shopping, go to Starbucks, probably see my friends with similar age dc and generally have a lovely time with mummy. I'd not take it too seriously. Tbf she's probably say the same if I was going away for a few days.

He’s not unengaged, he tries quite hard. He’s just not very good at it!

I'd have said then and there "that's not a very kind thing to say is it? We don't say unkind things" but I wouldn't have added "I'm sure you'll miss daddy" or "I'm sure you'll be said he's gone" because it sounds as though that's not true. So, make sure they know when they've said something hurtful, but equally not asking them to lie. It's a delicate balance I agree.

Anyway, it sounds from your updates as if you have bigger problems. Does your DH know you're thinking about separating? You must have felt emotionally connected to him when you married?

@Heroicallyfound

@Unhelpful I think you’re overthinking and picking up your DH’s emotional work. If the comment hurt him, that’s his work to reflect on why it hurt him and what he can do to improve his relationship with his kids. You can support him in that reflection but it’s not really your work to censor your kids or save your DH from feeling hurt.

this is absolutely a pattern of mine that I’m trying to break, so it’s really helpful for me to sense check my instinct here with you good people who have been kind to offer me your views.

Any child who is either afraid, unsure etc if their dad would in all likelihood NOT vocalise their relief.

You're overthinking. The kids sounds securely attached and joking.
Don't make this into something it's not.

Two things - kids will say those things, for no reason… maybe “yay no dad” = mum will cook a special dinner for me / I have mum to myself / I’ll have more attention / dad willl come back and bring me a sweet

and kids sometimes are also cheeky and looking for reaction - I know if my DD says “yay no mum” I just need to do an over dramatic “excuse me!?!?” And she will start giggling - since she was joking

then again you seem to have quite a bad opinion on your OH, either you’re projecting or (and I’ve seen this a lot) your kids are copying your behaviour - even if you don’t tell them directly, they will have seen enough to know “dad is a non likeable person”

or your DH is really not connecting with the kids, doesn’t make an effort with them and it’s really a “his problem’

@Miriam101
Anyway, it sounds from your updates as if you have bigger problems. Does your DH know you're thinking about separating? You must have felt emotionally connected to him when you married?

he does know this yes. But no I never really feel connected with him but I think I didn’t consult deep inside of myself to analyse this until recently.

@skgnome
then again you seem to have quite a bad opinion on your OH, either you’re projecting or (and I’ve seen this a lot) your kids are copying your behaviour - even if you don’t tell them directly, they will have seen enough to know “dad is a non likeable person”

I have genuinely wondered if I do this but I really don’t think I do, I go out of my way to facilitate their relationship. I think it’s on him.

I agree I could be overthinking this. But also possibly not! I think in a normal situation i wouldn’t worry about it, but I am terribly concerned about how little they think of him.