If your 6 your old said this to DH what would you say, if anything

[Unhelpful]

DH said to the kids “I am going away for two days, I’ll see you on Saturday”.

6 year old says “Yay! No daddy for 2 days!”.

He is a reasonable dad but the kids don’t have much attachment to him, not through lack of effort on his part, he’s just not very engaging or authentic with them.

Should I have defended DH? Or let the 6 year old get away with the joke (he said it as a ‘joke’, even though it was a very hurtful one. He does love his dad, just doesn’t miss him when he’s not around)?

I mean, it depends.

I'd want to know what my DC was thinking, so I'm fine with them saying whatever they like to me, as long as it's a genuine thought (as opposed to insults like 'Mummy's a silly poo poo"). My DC already thinks I'm a 'slow coach' and not as fun as daddy at the park, since I'm still recovering from birth injuries and can't do as many things with them. I'd prefer them to say their thoughts, even if unkind, so we can discuss them.

However, children do need to learn that some thoughts should remain unsaid, otherwise it offends people and makes them upset. Like pointing out people with bad acne on the bus and things like that. Some things are just rude to voice, although I'm not sure the OP's son's comment is necessarily in this category.

Thank you every one so much for your input so far. It is extremely helpful to me.

I'm trying to get the bottom of it and I'm wondering if perhaps it's not the sentiment he expressed, but the way he expressed it.

Perhaps what I (or DH) could have said to DC in the moment would be something like "It's ok to want time alone with mummy, but the way you've said it might hurt daddy's feelings".

That way I'm not invalidating or supressing his feelings, but letting him know that there's a better way to say things.

@Unhelpful "Yay! No daddy for 2 days!" is exactly what I shout in my head when DH goes away, and I am convinced my DCs do too, but at 15 and 11 they are fairly diplomatic with it... As a 6 yo, your dc maybe hasn't developed this level of diplomacy yet, and so it's very telling that he truly feels this way so much so that the joy of not having him around has leapt out of him! And although it's not ideal for him to say what he said, it's completely and totally down to your DH to fix this. He has caused these feelings in your child, and he has the choice to put it right or just leave it. I do know what you mean - my dh occasionally tries to make an effort, but he isn't 'real' or natural with them, as if he's a distant uncle who sees them once a year. He'll say to my youngest, "so what is your favourite subject at school?" as if he's never met him before! I think my two notice a huge difference in my when their dad flits off for the day, and they're much happier for it. Does yours notice this in you? If so, separation is the way to go. I know it's hard, I've been trying to find a way to break the news to DH for years, but you need to be yourself and the kids need to be happy. I also know what you mean when you say if you do separate, you worry that the kids won't want to go to visit or stay with him. I have this worry too, as if I'm imposing on them an arrangement they will not enjoy, of my choosing.

Have you had a conversation with your son about what he said?

A few things strike me.

Fun dad, kid shows displeasure in his absence.
Neutral dad, kid isn't bothered much either way so why say anything?
Unkind dad, kid is happy that he'll be away, but why the comment? Clearly they feel relaxed enough to say what they thought and I would have thought they'd keep it to themselves.

So I might conclude this.
Dad is sometimes seen as a bit of a bore by child and he might be the one to tell him to do stuff that isn't particularly fun, take your shoes off, make sure you do this that the other etc. Child thinks " yeah, I can chill out for a couple of days", but I know my dad so I can say it without worrying.

Not everyone can be "fun".
I know I'l not really fun, and I'm glad that my husband injects this element into our family. But I'm kind, understanding, patient and thoughtful.
Some qualities aren't as easy to appreciate until they are obviously absent. Being stable and dependable isn't something a child would notice unless their dad was the opposite, then they would.

Is his ego a problem in his relationship with his DC? Does he rely on them and their 'respect' to validate him as a great human being and great father?

I'm curious - how was he with the DC when they were younger? How did he deal with toddler meltdowns in public? What would he have done if one of your DC had thrown themselves down on the pavement and started screaming at him?

@AlwaysTheGoodGirl Thank you for this, I'm sorry you're in the same position but it was lovely to read such a similar experience. I didn't get a chance to talk to him before school but I will try when I put him to bed tonight I think.

Hmm - not sure about that. I've always been 'the enforcer', providing the structure and discipline in the house (and TBH, also the fun) - they'd never say 'two days without mum - hooray' even though I'm going to be making sure they've done their homework, had a shower, changed their socks etc.

In my situation it was because he swung wildly from totally ignoring them, to expecting them to be interested in what he wanted them to be interested in - and they didn't feel listened to or understood.

@woodenfork

I'd be much happier if this was the case. Unfortunately I am the disciplinarian, the fun one, the cook, the cleaner and the comfort for all of them.

He has a tendancy to either be way to leniant or, when he suddenly decides he needs to do something, he will overreact (he has scared me in the past with his explosions, luckily it happens very rarely) and over-discipline for the most minor of issues.

I relate to this so much. Sounds very familiar.

I feel like I am all of the roles. He's a sort of inconsistent background noise.

I'd find it much easier to leave if he was just lazy but he tries SO HARD.

I just feel full of pity for him that he can't make it work. I feel so sad for him.

To be honest its exactly what my DD would say and shes nearly 9.

She loves him and he takes her out to fun places but he doesnt make much of an effort to actually understand her and she hasnt forgiven him for putting her special drawing she gave him in the recycling.

I usually say something like don't be silly.

His misery is not your cross to bear. He’ll need to carve out a way to see and have a relationship with his children. Even if it’s reduced in the early stages while he learns.

I'm puzzled... how can he try so hard and still fail?

Does he just not listen?

Has he ever just sat there, not said anything and watched your DS play?

It's very hard to explain what he's like.

He does play with them but sometimes he's just not 'natural' and not himself.

He's the same with me, and with everyone for that matter. It's as if you're trying to have a relationship with someone who is buried under many many coats.

He makes an effort but he it's as if he's not 'there'.

I think he needs a lot of therapy if I'm honest but I don't think he'd do it.

Thank you for this. I need to remember it.

Taking responsibility for other people's feelings is something I have been doing all my life and I'm trying to stop.

How can he try so hard, but also be inconsistent background noise?

I think you’ve got used to feeling guilty, for his failings. And you’re doing it again now. To be honest, us all telling you what we thinking of him is likely to elicit some feelings of loyalty to him, that’s understandable. We’re seeing what you tell us, minus the emotional connection that you have.

You shouldn’t feel guilty. He is awkward, inauthentic, occasionally explosive and largely disinterested in his own children, except for occasional bursts that he expects them to respond positively to. These are his failings to work on and feel bad about, not yours.

@QuinkWashable 100% this. I play all roles. In fact, if I ever do become a single parent, I will see myself as a double parent, and indeed feel like I have been this for the past 15 years. My two would NEVER celebrate me going away for a few days. It's the end of the world if I have to go anywhere for an hour, hands thrown in the air in despair, everything. But if their dad goes off for a few days, not a blink.

@Unhelpful Background noise. Precisely.

Me, DH and DS were having a lovely day, when suddenly DS6 pipes up "it's so much fun when Daddy isn't all cross" - I felt DH flinch as he knew it was true, and I said nothing.

Out of the mouths of babes...and for a short while he tried much harder, but slipped back into his normal aggressive way of being and we are now divorced.

I too have spent way too much time facilitating DH's relationships with the DC, I don't do it any more and it's DH's responsibility to have fun with his kids, not mine to make it happen.

I certainly wouldn't tell your DS off for saying this, as he grows up he might learn to say things more gently, but it's important that he can articulate what he feels and not hide his feelings.

The ball is in your DH's court...

It’s his issue. I wouldn’t have said anything. He can either choose to be a proper, involved, engaged and loving parent - or not - and deal with the consequences, which are essentially your kids realising who is always there for them no matter what, and who just isn’t/wasn’t there or caused problems.

I agrée there.

BUT i think we also need to remember how hard it is for ADULTS to find that balance.

And that a 6yo doesn’t have the maturity for many things. That includes being able to express their discomfort to a parent in an ‘appropriate manner’ so said parent isnt hurt even though it is hurtful.
And that a 6yo will not have the ability to express their feelings much further than ‘I’m happy daddy isn’t here’. They won’t have the introspection to go much further and they are still very much dependent t in the parent which adds another layer.

What is needed there is a chat. To discuss why they said, how they feel, what they like or don’t etc….

Clearly the OP DH isn’t going to do that. But the OP could

I treat it exactly the same as I do if they say something about a friend or a passer by - "mummy, that man is stinky" or "Jack is mean and I don't like him" or "why is that lady even fatter than you?" A gentle but immediate reminder that we don't hurt people's feelings unless it's necessary, but I don't tell them not to actually think it.

We have a lot of neurodivergent friends, and we're all autistic/ADD etc in our family anyway. So we talk a lot about how everyone has difficultly with learning or doing different things - x has trouble speaking out loud, y has trouble with impulse control etc, and making allowances for what we think they really mean.

I do struggle with their boundaries, so I no longer force them to be actively nicer to H than manners would expect. So if they are sharing sweets around they'd include him, but they don't have to seek him out to do something nice because why should they? I've almost stopped curating their relationship with him but they absolutely need to maintain their manners because that's about them, not him. It's affects how they will be as adults. Iyswim.

I do still nudge him to interact with them or be nicer because it would make their childhoods better, but I no longer care about how it makes him feel beyond how that would impact us. I put a fuckton of effort into parenting my kids. I've reassessed my childhood, my preconceptions, got therapy for things, studied all sorts of relevant stuff - if he can't be bothered to say hello to the kids when he gets in from work then he needs to experience the consequences.

It’s a bit corny, but have you come across the idea of ´love languages’ before OP?
It works as a concept even if we’re talking appreciation rather than love.
People show gratitude, respect and love in different ways. And people crave different kinds of displays of love/affection/gratitude from people they have relationships with.
It sounds like your husband doesn’t really know how to show any of you that he cares. You could help him out by telling him. If he ever gets it right with the kids and does something you can see they appreciate and understand - could be praise, a hug, spending time doing a particular activity together, could be a thoughtful present or a particular meal - anything - TELL your husband that he’s got it right and WHY that particular action works for that child. EG. DS really appreciated your help with his maths homework last week. Helping him with his homework helps him understand you care about him and you want to help him succeed. Or DD really appreciated that you remembered to get her favourite hot chocolate from the supermarket yesterday. It means a lot to her that you remembered and thought of her even though the own-brand version is cheaper/ you prefer X kind yourself.
You can do it for yourself too if he does something that makes you feel like he cares.
This doesn’t mean I think you should stay with him if you’re unhappy. But it’s a little things that you could do that might improve relationships in your household or future separated households.

Perhaps what I (or DH) could have said to DC in the moment would be something like "It's ok to want time alone with mummy, but the way you've said it might hurt daddy's feelings"

But that's not what he said. He didn't say he wanted time alone with you; he said he was happy that he wouldn't be spending time with his dad. Those two things are not the same, and you need to be careful about putting words in his mouth. If he's not comfortable or happy around his dad, he should feel safe to express that (in a more constructive way perhaps) and not have it turned into "oh he just wants a bit of time with mum".

@Puppers

youre absolutely right. I was imagining saying it in front of DH and trying to temper it to save his feelings. Clearly this is not my battle is it. And saying nothing is the right thing to do.

I noticed last night and this morning how much more relaxed everything has felt without him. It’s so sad!