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Parenting

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Original poster

If your 6 your old said this to DH what would you say, if anything

74 replies

Unhelpful · 20/04/2023 08:05

DH said to the kids “I am going away for two days, I’ll see you on Saturday”.

6 year old says “Yay! No daddy for 2 days!”.

He is a reasonable dad but the kids don’t have much attachment to him, not through lack of effort on his part, he’s just not very engaging or authentic with them.

Should I have defended DH? Or let the 6 year old get away with the joke (he said it as a ‘joke’, even though it was a very hurtful one. He does love his dad, just doesn’t miss him when he’s not around)?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Theelephantinthecastle · 20/04/2023 10:00

How did you end up marrying someone who who have never had an emotional connection to?

Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 10:00

Sounds like dh needs to pull his socks up, from the lips of babes.

Original poster

Unhelpful · 20/04/2023 10:01

Theelephantinthecastle · 20/04/2023 10:00

How did you end up marrying someone who who have never had an emotional connection to?

I got married to him when I was in a very difficult place personally. And I have had my own issues with an abusive childhood etc. I am only just starting to resolve my own issues.

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Thesearmsofmine · 20/04/2023 10:01

In our house we would laugh but that’s because we are both involved with our dc. It’s triggered you because your DH is a lazy parent.

TheMarsian · 20/04/2023 10:09

I want to make sure that I am doing my best to cultivate a good relationship between them because he does love them very very much and would do anything for them.

Thats not your responsibility though but his.
Aside from damaging his relationship with his dcs, there is nothing you can do to ensure they are getting on well etc. If he loves them and would do anything fir them, it’s up, to him to show them that. You can’t do it for him.

TheMarsian · 20/04/2023 10:14

@Unhelpful what did your DH say when he heard that?
Does he think your dc was joking/being rude… or does he think he needs to pull his socks up?

Original poster

Unhelpful · 20/04/2023 10:17

TheMarsian · 20/04/2023 10:14

@Unhelpful what did your DH say when he heard that?
Does he think your dc was joking/being rude… or does he think he needs to pull his socks up?

He told him off. 'Respect' etc is very important to him. If DC had said it to me I would have laughed it off and made a joke back but DH is too sensitive to do that I think. I think he was probably very hurt. I think he probably doesn't understand what he's doing wrong with the kids.

OP posts:

VikingLady · 20/04/2023 10:17

My DCs say similar about H who sounds very similar. I don't tell them what to feel, and I am trying to stop forcing the relationship since I worry I'd be teaching the kids to accept his attitudes, but I do teach members and kindness.

We have one big house rule for the kids - you don't make anyone's life worse, unless it's really necessary. So we don't say negative things about people and hurt them unless we have to, for example to protect ourselves from someone being mean or to make them think about what they are doing.

So I don't allow my kids to say "yay, daddy's working away again!" Even though I know fine we'll it's what they're thinking, until he can't hear them. He's not going to change anyway.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 20/04/2023 10:20

I wouldn’t defend him. If he’s hurt by it, maybe he should be a more engaged father rather than leaving it all to you.

Original poster

Unhelpful · 20/04/2023 10:23

@VikingLady

Thank you for this input. This is what I wonder about. I'm torn. I know the current thinking is to allow all feelings to be expressed, whether it suits other people or not, but I wonder if it means we will bring up a generation of people who don't wonder about how their words affect others.
However, how do you draw the line between being honest and repressing your feelings? I want them to be able to feel they can express themselves, particularly with their own parents. I know what he said was hurtful, but how do you strike that balance?
DH himself is extremely inhibited and inauthentic and I believe it's because he was brought up never to express himself honestly. And this is destroying his relationship with me and his kids.

If your DC say it when DH is out of earshot, how do you respond?

OP posts:

Peapodburgundybouquet · 20/04/2023 10:23

my DH is a very peculiar person and I actually would very much like to separate from him

Just saw this. I think you should separate. It will probably also have the effect of forcing him to be a proper parent when they’re with him, which will perhaps develop their relationship.

Puppers · 20/04/2023 10:28

I certainly wouldn’t be telling DC off in this situation with the context of their specific relationship with their dad. And I’d have defended them actually when he was cross about it. I might at a later point have a calm discussion with them about appropriate ways of expressing themselves, but I absolutely wouldn’t do anything that could lead to them feeling ashamed of having those feelings about their dad or of voicing them. It sounds like a valid point of view. They aren’t responsible for protecting him from the reality of his ability (or lack thereof) as a parent. They will suffer the consequences of his failure to engage with them, not him. To also expect them to soothe his feelings and stroke his ego by pretending they are happy in their relationship with him is akin to gaslighting.

Whilst it was doubtless an unpleasant moment for him, it should have been a wake up call. It should have made him stop in his tracks and think “wow, I really need to address this relationship with my child urgently”. But it didn’t. He chose to berate him instead.

Original poster

Unhelpful · 20/04/2023 10:29

Peapodburgundybouquet · 20/04/2023 10:23

my DH is a very peculiar person and I actually would very much like to separate from him

Just saw this. I think you should separate. It will probably also have the effect of forcing him to be a proper parent when they’re with him, which will perhaps develop their relationship.

I wonder. I'd like to think it would have this affect but I'm honestly not sure. I think he'll end up in a pit of depression and misery and he'll be even worse.

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Original poster

Unhelpful · 20/04/2023 10:29

I wonder. I'd like to think it would have this affect but I'm honestly not sure. I think he'll end up in a pit of depression and misery and he'll be even worse.

Show quote history

*effect!

OP posts:

Adifferentheadspace · 20/04/2023 10:29

My DD has some additional needs but I will wouldn’t be happy if she said something like that. I would point out that is isn’t a kind thing to say and that we have to consider other people’s feelings before we say things that could be hurtful. I would then talk privately to DH about ways in which he could reconnect with his child in order to build a closer bond (more 1:1 time, a special activity DC does only with him etc).

Adifferentheadspace · 20/04/2023 10:29

Excuse the typos, tired!

Goldbar · 20/04/2023 10:31

AllOfThemWitches · 20/04/2023 08:13

Erm I think this is on his dad tbh

This. If it was a genuine opinion being voiced rather than a poor attempt at humour by a child, your OH need to work out how to connect better with his son.

You say he 'tries' but isn't very good at it. I don't get this tbh. 6 year olds are not the most complicated of creatures and it shouldn't be beyond his wit to work out how to bond with a child who he lives with and presumably of whose interests he is aware. Does your DC like marble runs? Lego? Baking? Mini golf? Does he make any effort to do the things your son likes?

Dibbydoos · 20/04/2023 10:43

It's misplaced, I'd have declined hiw hurt dad might have felt by him saying that even if it's a joke.

Your DH, however needs to step up. Another father displaying dereliction of duty....

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 20/04/2023 10:48

You can't tell other people how they ought to feel, even when they are six.

Goldbar · 20/04/2023 10:54

Dibbydoos · 20/04/2023 10:43

It's misplaced, I'd have declined hiw hurt dad might have felt by him saying that even if it's a joke.

Your DH, however needs to step up. Another father displaying dereliction of duty....

I agree. I think you can probably tell your DS that, even if he thinks some things, it's kinder not to say them.

That said, as a parent I'm glad my DC is fairly honest with me, even if they do say some relatively hurtful things sometimes, as I'd prefer to know what they're thinking rather than have them put on a front, so we can talk about it.

IHateFlies · 20/04/2023 10:56

"He’s not unengaged, he tries quite hard. He’s just not very good at it!"

Seriously? How hard is he trying? Kids don't need much to feel connected. Just some time, some hugs and some talking.

TheMarsian · 20/04/2023 10:57

I think you can probably tell your DS that, even if he thinks some things, it's kinder not to say them.

Even to his parents?

Heroicallyfound · 20/04/2023 11:00

Unhelpful · 20/04/2023 10:29

I wonder. I'd like to think it would have this affect but I'm honestly not sure. I think he'll end up in a pit of depression and misery and he'll be even worse.

Show quote history

Don’t let this hold you back. If this is the natural consequences of his behaviour he’ll soon wake up to how he is and learn to live his life differently. It could be a great catalyst for him. And often people need to go through a ‘dark night of the soul’ to wake up to what’s really important to them.

Heroicallyfound · 20/04/2023 11:02

However, how do you draw the line between being honest and repressing your feelings? I want them to be able to feel they can express themselves, particularly with their own parents. I know what he said was hurtful, but how do you strike that balance?

Thats part of the learning curve that kids need to go through in their emotional development - to learn that context is important, that some things are to be boundaried in our heads (which equates to with caregivers for children), that other things are okay to share with people we trust, other things need to be said sensitively for social cohesion etc. There’s a whole load of rich discussion there that you can have in snippets with your children as they grow.

QuinkWashable · 20/04/2023 11:03

My DS at the same age said similar things, and I could also understand why (ex rarely bothered with them, and when he did he was over-bearing rather than actually engaged with them). I would tell DS that that wasn't a nice thing to say, and that we didn't say things like that to, or about each other.

In the end, as you can see, the dude is an ex, and whilst it took a few months of gentle persuasion, DS does go round to visit every couple of weeks - but I wouldn't describe them as close, and that's OK.

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