Is this touching appropriate?

[Anonymices]

Just worried about whether this touching is appropriate by a father on his 8 year old daughter? He applies her moisturiser after bath (basically all over), but the mother allows the girl to apply her own when she is caring for her. He also slaps/kicks his kids naked bums. Would you have a word, or is this normal?

It’s normal in your house for an 8 year old to be running naked through the house while her dad kicks and slaps her naked bottom?

Parents help children with things like applying moisturiser until they are capable of doing these things for themselves. This child can manage herself so no need for Dad to be rubbing his hands all over her. I'd be having a word with him. As for touching bare bottoms that would be a red flag for me.

You seem to be getting a bit obsessive about this now

Don't be fckin ridiculous. It's normal for a PARENT to jokingly slap or kick THEIR CHILDS bottom. It's not a random man, seriously some of you people need to get a grip.

Because you keep twisting it. I say it’s abnormal for a dad to want to kick and slap his 8 year old daughter’s naked bottom and you go ‘oh I always smack a naked bum as it runs past, that’s normal in my house.’ I was confirming that the post you quoted, that specific thing that you said is normal, is in fact normal in your house. Because if I’m being honest I don’t think it is - I’d be surprised if your husband regularly slaps and kicks your 8 year old girl’s naked bum.

I think context is everything here. I can totally see my dh or myself chasing one of the kids down the hall messing about after a bath and them laughing their head off. But the difference I think here is that you've said this is an abusive ex so this is a guy who's already given you reason not to trust him. If your gut feeling is that it's inappropriate then I'd suggest it's because there are things about HIM that are inappropriate. How do you think he would react if your dd said I want to put my own lotion on tonight by myself etc. If you think it's a problem then you need to have a chat with your dd about respect for bodies and give her some phrases she can use to tell her dad if she's uncomfortable. That being said, if she's staying with him for contact and he's the only adult in the house then there will be things he needs to help her with at that age and maybe he's not realising how much she is growing up. I'd maybe tell him (if you're on good enough terms) that she's at an age where you think it would be important to teach her about bodily autonomy and make sure you're both giving the same messages in both houses. If he can't do that then I think you know you've a problem.

It really isn’t 😂 I’ve never kicked any of my kids naked bums. It would never occur to me to do so, or my husband.

I remember a bloke whose 8 yrs daughter complained to her mum about her dads behaviour and part of the criminal indictment was exposing himself to her and her 8yrs friend in the kitchen when coming down to breakfast .
Also on the indictment was him creaming / moisturising her after a bath . She was 8yrs so perfectly capable of doing it herself but the dad insisted .
Be careful. I personally think 5yrs is the cut off age , after that they do it themselves with supervision if wanted .

Well I don't have an 8 year old girl, but 6 & 9 year olds - yes. And smacking rather than kicking. If kids are running past naked after a bath/shower then I've always smacked a bum.

Bloody hell. I'm reporting this thread. Think twice about replying.

I think the poster has posted about this abusive ex before though - that’s why I feel it’s really unhelpful to be dismissively going ‘oh no it’s totally normal, you’re the weird one!’

Because she surely knows her abusive ex and feels this is boundary crossing. Which I’d agree with.

I still squish my 5 year olds chunky little bum!

My 7 year old tho I might playfully tap his bum to say hurry up but that's it.

Think it’s very context dependant.
My dads a great father, he used to chase me up the stairs as a kid, threatening to punch my bum if I didn’t get to bed and I found it hilarious. It was a funny game and it was clear I enjoyed the silliness of it. I know someone else whose dad did the same. He was not a great father. She hated it, was very clear about hating it but he still did it and she still hates being chased up stairs (even as a joke) because of it.

This is too much of a grey area without all the info/context/knowing how the child feels I think!

My son had excema I was applying his lotions all over until much older than that.

It's fine

And the slapping or the kicking of done in jest is fine as long as it's not hurting ! He's playing with her
In fact I have just slipped my 27 year old sons arse

My DH will help our dd apply her medication cream sometimes as she's a bit lax in her application of it. He doesn't just take over her body though (and not all over). He will say things like 'there's a patch on the back of your thigh, is it ok if I lift this to do that bit' and all the control and autonomy is with her always, no touches without 'warning' like "just going to put a dab on your shoulder" etc... She would never just be completely naked having cream applied any old how, respect for it being her body is shown.

So, though I don't think a father would never be able to do body care on a DD, I do think not showing any consideration of boundaries or the child's permission for it is creepy and not helping the child have good sense of body autonomy as it doesn't model respect and implicit need for consent in the touching.

Neither me or my husband touch our 2 DDs in any way. 8 is far too old to be moisturising her in my opinion. He needs to stop!

Touch our DDs bums* that's meant to say 🤣🤣 of course we cuddle and help with their hair etc.

I was going to say @Isthatascratchonmygrandmother

OP does he insist on doing the moisturising or does she ask him to?

my children have the squishiest round bottoms and I can’t help but smack them when they run past after bath, especially when they are shaking them at me (3&8yrs)

Its only odd in the context the OP is talking about.

Context is important - what is this moisturiser for? Is it just general moisturiser, or is it important that it's applied correctly. For example, my sister has always had severe eczema, and at that age both my parents would have helped her with the creams to make sure it was done properly and got the areas she could not reach.

At 8, she could easily still be asking him to do it, even if she doesn't ask her mum as children act differently with different people. If she's wanting to do it herself, and he's insisting he does it even though it's not something that actually matters if she doesn't do it thoroughly then that's different.

You won’t get a non creepy consensus on Mumsnet most people on here think kissing kids on the lips is normal! 8 years is too old to be having your parents hands all over you at that age any child should be able to do a lot of stuff themselves especially personal care. He is weird, creepy and gross 🤮

You don't kiss your kids on the lips? How sad for you all. 😔