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Original poster

Daughter having casual sex

54 replies

LisaK76 · 11/04/2023 06:51

I’ve come here because I need a bit of help. My daughter (18) went off to Uni this year and broke up with her boyfriend a few months in. We’re very open when it comes to sex and I was comfortable with her and her boyfriend doing it discreetly in her bedroom. She’s recently told me that since she broke up with her boyfriend, she’s been having casual sex with a number of different guys, which I understand is pretty normal at university.

The problem I have is she has asked if I’d be comfortable with her bringing boys round when she is back home. I don’t know whether I’m comfortable with it. Has anyone else had similar experiences and if so how do I handle it? I’d rather know what she’s doing than her needing to hide things from me.

OP posts:
Eatentoomanyroses · 11/04/2023 11:02

Definitely not but you opened this door when you let the boyfriend have sex with her in your house. I wouldn’t have allowed that either.

HowcanIhelp123 · 11/04/2023 11:12

I would tell her you absolutely respect her decision to do as she likes at uni, but the fact she is asking you if it's OK is probably a sign she knows it isn't.

She would be inviting someone neither of you really know into your home. You're happy for her to bring over anyone she considers herself to be dating, and someone that she and they would be happy with you meeting and having a meal together. Anyone casual does not get access to the house.

ididntwanttodoit · 11/04/2023 11:12

If you were comfortable with it you wouldn't be asking the question, so that's all there is to it.

HarrysStyle · 11/04/2023 11:23

Oh my god, absolutely not. A long term boyfriend is very different to fuck buddies. She's only 18 and I'd be worried about STIs as well as boys seeing your place as a shag pad.

Jellyx · 11/04/2023 11:25

Open about sex or no values/morals attached to sex?

Have you shared your value base regarding to sex? If you don't approve of casual sex then tell her so - your house your rules!

I'd also caution against such casual sex among young women. I think women have been lied to about that being 'freedom.'

NotAHouse · 11/04/2023 11:26

There's a lot of threads about daughters having sex recently... Easter holidays... Just watch yourselves, all.

BillyNoM8s · 11/04/2023 11:30

I wouldn't want randoms in my house, male or female, so it's a no from me.

She can save her shenanigans for her own accommodation.

Charles11 · 11/04/2023 11:32

I would be saying no. I know everyone's free to do what they want but I'd also want to be able to express that casual sex isn't always mentally and emotionally healthy, or safe, depending on how often, who and with how many different people.

NBLarsen · 11/04/2023 11:33

Like everyone else here, I would not want a complete stranger staying in my home.
A regular boyfriend is different, they have spent time together and build up a level of trust.

SingaporeSting · 11/04/2023 11:36

How much casual sex is she actually having? How often is she at home and is it really something she can’t contain for the evenings she’s back at home??

I would totally agree that partners are ok but one-night-stands, no.

Yes she’s an adult and yes in theory she can do what she wants when at uni, but I still think a bit of guidance is needed - ie shagging everything and anyone isn’t always free of emotional damage (or physical harm) and I think I’d be finding a polite and non-invasive way to talk about the fact that putting it about isn’t always a good idea.

123rd · 11/04/2023 11:36

We have (generally) the same rule. DC away at uni. I can't /don't want to police what happens up there but whilst they are home they follow our rules
No randoms back to the house. If they are in a relationship/ known each other for a while then it's ok

We have only been in this situation once.

SingaporeSting · 11/04/2023 11:36

Charles11 · 11/04/2023 11:32

I would be saying no. I know everyone's free to do what they want but I'd also want to be able to express that casual sex isn't always mentally and emotionally healthy, or safe, depending on how often, who and with how many different people.

Exactly this.

diddl · 11/04/2023 11:38

So would these be different men to the ones she's having sex with at Uni?

She's asked if you would be comfortable so tell her the truth.

I wouldn't be.

For me, fine as part of a relationship but not a series of FsWBs.

fruitbrewhaha · 11/04/2023 11:40

When you meet boys at uni they are part of a network for friends. They will be mates with or on a course with someone you know, or a couple of degrees of separation. Some sweaty bloke from the local nightclub is a total stranger. The student boy is hopefully more respectful and less of a risk than the random bloke. If she says but the bloke from town will be a nice guy too, say he could be but there is a bigger risk and you have more stuff on your house worth stealing than she does at uni.

She can go a couple of weeks without sex. If she is struggling with that she has a problem.

fruitbrewhaha · 11/04/2023 11:42

Actually, thinking about it, the idea that she can’t go without during the Easter holidays is a concern. I used to enjoying a random hookup in my youth but it would not have occurred to me to do so at my parents house or that I needed to pull every weekend.

Itsmeagain2 · 11/04/2023 11:47

I would feel most comfortable with my daughter being in the safety in her own home - especially if the nature of the hookups are casual, thats only because in my eyes sleeping with men you aren't that well acquainted with generally can lead to an increase in women feeling violated or boundaries being crossed sexually. At least at her home if he does something that makes her feel uneasy she can tell him to leave and have you there instead of being in someone else's house that she then has to try and take herself out of.

However that is not to say that I won't feel really uncomfortable about it. But I would prefer to put my daughter's safety above my own feelings. However that's just me. And she is an adult now. She knows the risks of what she is doing and you don't have to have it happen under your own roof if you don't want to. Especially if it means having a string of random men constantly funnel threw your house. Maybe meet mid way and say its fine x amount of times but you won't have the piss be taken out of you and have men sneaking in at midnight/all hours of the day and all days of the week.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/04/2023 11:49

Hard not from me, different if it's an actual boyfriend.

deliwoman1 · 11/04/2023 12:02

Presumably you trust your daughter's ability to navigate all of this safely (from a physical and emotional standpoint). So then it's just about deciding whether you're more comfortable with her having sex outside the house, or in your home. Because let's face it, she's not going to stop having the kind of sex she wants to have. She's an adult and that's her right, plus she's been mature enough to ask your permission. Work out exactly what it is that makes you uncomfortable about the situation. If it's the idea of her being mature enough to have sex full stop, or sex under your roof, or the fact it's casual sex, or the random blokes in the house, or all of the above, etc. Have a chat with her and tell her what you're feeling about all of it, your concerns and what compromises you might be able to make, if you're happy to compromise. Sounds like you've got a great relationship! Here's to open communication with kids about sex!

DannyZukosSmile · 11/04/2023 12:10

Don't assume all girls/young women at uni go around shagging anything that moves. Many of them will just have one 'steady' boyfriend when they're there, some will not bother with men, and some may have several one-night-stands in the first year, and then calm down and stick with one bloke (or just stay single and not fuck anything that moves....) But the idea that they all (or mostly) just shag around is preposterous. Is it your daughter who had lead you believe this @LisaK76

As for what you daughter wants. NO. And tell her to stop shagging men she doesn't know, and do NOT go back to his place. Ever.

Ruffpuff · 11/04/2023 12:11

I wouldn’t want random men back at my house.

PhillySub · 11/04/2023 12:11

No thank you to random strangers in our house.😠

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 11/04/2023 12:13

Not a chance. If she wants to sleep with them, fair enough, but it wouldn't be happening in my house.

threeplusmum · 11/04/2023 12:23

No I would not allow this, she should have you let her know the risks of casual sex honestly looking back I wish I had parents that could be open about sex and I would have made wiser decisions when I was that age.

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 11/04/2023 12:25

It would be a no from me. As an adult female she is perfectly entitled to enjoy sex with as many partners as she wants. I would not be comfortable with those same adult males being in my home, especially if I’d never met them before.

Rewis · 11/04/2023 12:31

That's a no from me. I would ntk feel comfortable taking guys to my childhood home, would not feel comfortable hooking up with someone at their parents house. Would not be comfortable with my child (or anyone) randos to my house for a quick fuck.

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