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Original poster

Daughter having casual sex

54 replies

LisaK76 · 11/04/2023 06:51

I’ve come here because I need a bit of help. My daughter (18) went off to Uni this year and broke up with her boyfriend a few months in. We’re very open when it comes to sex and I was comfortable with her and her boyfriend doing it discreetly in her bedroom. She’s recently told me that since she broke up with her boyfriend, she’s been having casual sex with a number of different guys, which I understand is pretty normal at university.

The problem I have is she has asked if I’d be comfortable with her bringing boys round when she is back home. I don’t know whether I’m comfortable with it. Has anyone else had similar experiences and if so how do I handle it? I’d rather know what she’s doing than her needing to hide things from me.

OP posts:
Lordofthebutterfloofs · 11/04/2023 06:52

Just say no? It would be a no from me.

Phoebo · 11/04/2023 06:54

No from me too, gross. Obviously she should do what she wants but not with her mum in the same house. Just ewwww

FrenchandSaunders · 11/04/2023 06:54

No from me too. My DDs are early 20s and it’s only proper partners who stay overnight … no randoms.

Aerosarethebest · 11/04/2023 06:54

Just tell her no. Say you’re very happy to host anyone she considers a boyfriend and is dating, but that you expect them to be happy to meet you - perhaps over dinner at yours, before staying the night. But you’re not comfortable with strange (to you) men staying over in your house.
Be clear it’s not a criticism of her choice to have sex with whoever she wants, it’s about you preferring not to host strange men you will likely never see again in your house.

AtLastShrugs · 11/04/2023 06:59

Firstly, you sound like a great mum.

Secondly, I think you need to think carefully about how it would make you feel. If it makes you uncomfortable then that's a perfectly reasonable feeling and you can just tell her that she can do what she likes at uni but at your home is a shared space for all of you so everyone needs to be comfortable with who's coming by?

My own parents resolved this by being extremely friendly and chatty with anyone I brought over, so I was only willing to subject someone to that if I thought they were longer-term material!

ittakes2 · 11/04/2023 07:16

very tricky - initially thought I would say no because I would not feel comfortable with having strangers in my house - but the thought of her then going to strangers houses make me more worried.

mamnotmum · 11/04/2023 07:16

Absolute no from me. I'd hate that she felt comfortable doing that in my house.

The casual sex wouldn't bother me if it's safe and consensual but I'd not want to hear it thank you very much! Plus I'd hate that awkward 'oh good morning. Can I get you a coffee' to a random in my kitchen the next morning!

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 11/04/2023 07:21

I've always found the term 'casual sex' a bit strange, is one party (or both!) doing a crossword, or some embroidery or perhaps a jigsaw puzzle whilst performing?

... or is there a small tray, balanced strategically, with a cup of tea and a biscuit close at hand for a half-time breather?

Hiddenvoice · 11/04/2023 07:23

It sounds like you’re a great mum and she’s comfortable talking with you.

Just tell her no, she’s asked first which is lovely and shows she respects your boundaries. Just explain you’re not comfortable with strangers in the family home. Do you have any other dc?

Ilovetea42 · 11/04/2023 07:27

I wouldn't be comfortable with an unknown male in my house overnight while everyone is asleep so it would be a no from me for that reason.

4eyesbigthighs · 11/04/2023 07:28

I’m not sure how I’d feel about this OP.

mostly because of the news story that few years ago where the uni student went back to a lads house for sex and got murdered.

I wouldn’t want DD to being home casual sex partners.. but I absolutely wouldn’t want her her going to a casual sex partners a house that’s she’s just met on a night out ect. I’d rather she was in my home where I know where she is and god forbid anything escalated I’m within hearing distance and can help.

I know it’s unlikely to happen. But it’s happened to someone else’s daughter.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 11/04/2023 07:30

That would be a no from me, too. It's one thing being open about sex but there's something off about a parent facilitating casual sex with various partners in the family home. I get why you'd feel uncomfortable about it.

Hongkongsuey · 11/04/2023 07:30

I'm as liberal as they come but it would be a no from me. Randoms turning up to have sex with my children-they can do it in their home but not in mine. I don’t want to be bumping into strange people in my home and not have a clue who they are. Different if they’re dating of course but casual hook ups? No.

Laurdo · 11/04/2023 07:31

If you don't know if you're comfortable then you're not comfortable. I think it's different when it's a stable boyfriend because they'll probably be spending some time together as a couple other than just having sex. Bringing a variety of randoms into your home is a whole different ballgame. For a start how well does she know these guys? I wouldn't be happy with strangers in my home.

Tarantullah · 11/04/2023 07:33

Nope, nope, nope. I had a lot of fun at university but only ever took long term partners to the family home- having random men back for casual sex would make me uncomfortable. If she really can't resist for a few weeks whilst she's home (presumably she means during holidays?) then perhaps she's tying all sorts of other things up with casual sex rather than dealing with her break up. Personally I'd say her sex life is her business as long as she's safe but that it's not something you're comfortable with in the family home.

TeaForMeandThee · 11/04/2023 07:37

I think most of us in my circle when single at uni partook in a bit of casual sex (with fellow students not randoms off the street), I have the worlds most laid back parents boyfriends were always welcome but just out of sheer respect I wouldn't be inviting my fuck buddy round for holidays (I'm assuming you mean her inviting the people she's sleeping with home, not going on nights out at home and bringing random men back?). Either way no.

Tarantullah · 11/04/2023 07:39

4eyesbigthighs · 11/04/2023 07:28

I’m not sure how I’d feel about this OP.

mostly because of the news story that few years ago where the uni student went back to a lads house for sex and got murdered.

I wouldn’t want DD to being home casual sex partners.. but I absolutely wouldn’t want her her going to a casual sex partners a house that’s she’s just met on a night out ect. I’d rather she was in my home where I know where she is and god forbid anything escalated I’m within hearing distance and can help.

I know it’s unlikely to happen. But it’s happened to someone else’s daughter.

Sadly if a violent man wants to harm a woman he will. I think that's a bit of an emotive bit of blackmail really- let her do it or she might come to harm. Alternatively a random strange man in a family home could do a lot of damage if they're a psychopath, I don't think being on hand in case you hear anything would do any good in that situation.

Skybluepinky · 11/04/2023 07:56

Yr choice but remember just bcos u say no won’t stop the behaviour and she may end up doing it in unsafe places.

Spongebetty · 11/04/2023 09:41

She’s recently told me that since she broke up with her boyfriend, she’s been having casual sex with a number of different guys, which I understand is pretty normal at university.

I think this is a big red flag OP.

To me, if a girl who was in a steady relationship suddenly changed to a life of non-monogamy it would be worrying.

Maybe you could talk to her to see why she now wants this lifestyle? She could of course tell you to MYOB.

As for bringing random guys back, no way.

If she wants to have casual sex in unsafe places, that's her choice, she's 18 and can make her own judgements.

TheBugWife · 11/04/2023 10:01

I wouldn't want random men in my home while I am asleep so it would be a no from me. I am more than happy for a regular partner who I have met but just strange men, absolutely not.

Can't imagine many men would want to meet the mum of their casual hook up on the landing in the middle of the night either.

dimpleton · 11/04/2023 10:04

It would be a no from me. As my nan would've said "it's not a bloody knocking shop!"

WeAllHaveWings · 11/04/2023 10:06

dimpleton · 11/04/2023 10:04

It would be a no from me. As my nan would've said "it's not a bloody knocking shop!"

haha .... I was just about to post the EXACT same wording!

liveforsummer · 11/04/2023 10:09

No, I'm single and wouldn't bring an unknown man back to my home for the night so wouldn't allow anyone else to do it either. So risky!

Newyearnewmeow · 11/04/2023 10:14

Daughter, I would prefer it that you don’t use my house as a random shag pad, it’s disrespectful.
Also, please ensure she is using condoms. HPV is a big risk for women who have multiple sexual partners.

Nowthenhere · 11/04/2023 10:58

No, I don't want to have adult men in my home whilst I am asleep that neither you nor I know.

They could be lovely but they could also be aggressive and could steal. This is my safe place as well as yours.

University has halls of residents meaning you have your own safe space behind a locked door.

Yes she could be in a house share but she could move out very quickly if she was stalked in comparison to the home she's been brought up in.

It's not about the sex. It's about the stranger danger in your home.

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