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Original poster

Parenting with someone with narcissistic personality disorder

52 replies

Evoname · 10/04/2023 22:36

Need opinions please ..

Pretty certain my husband has npd. Not diagnosed (I mean how do you even get someone with npd diagnosed - that conversation would not go down well) rather than narcissistic traits

He had a difficult childhood. Bipolar mother. Abusive father.

Background. We have 2 kids- 6 and 2. I consider my self strong. I'm financially independent. He's always had these behaviours but usual story since having kids it's intensified...

My priority is my children. I can live with him. Or without. Basically what ever is best for them I will do

While I'm able to switch off from his behaviour... What's best for my kids? Stay with- more stability/ I can protect them to an extent/ remove from situation. Or... Leave... But then they are at risk of spending 50% of their time with him without me. There is a risk if we split he will move away so might mean lots of travelling for kids. They will also not want to be apart from me.

(Examples of behaviour towards kids and myself - constantly criticise/yelling/telling off/belittling/name calling. He stops if I call him out on it but only after a mouthful of abuse and name calling to us all and then goes off in a sulk. Lots and lot of coercive behaviour. )

Particularly interested in hearing from those with a narcissist parent what your thoughts are. Cutting off completely unlikely to happen (not that I'm familiar with family courts but can't imagine that being an outcome)

Any advice gratefully received

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2023 22:37

You need to leave this man, as soon as humanly possible. Your home is a toxic nightmare and an appalling environment in which to raise children.

MsCunk · 10/04/2023 22:41

They are learning that it's normal that their mum is treated badly - that will be replicated by them as they grow up. They are also learning there is no safe space from their father's rages.

Leave him and raise your children in peace - very rarely do fathers seek 50/50.

adriftabroad · 10/04/2023 22:45

Leave now. You will be a shadow of your former self in 5 years. He will destroy you and the Dcs.

It is appalling. It is frightening and will get worse.

Do leave now and try to get minimum contact for the DCs every other w/e or something.
If he thinks you want something he will not let you have it. So becareful.
Excellentyou are financially independant.
Good luck.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
adriftabroad · 10/04/2023 22:46

Also NO POINT IN REASONING. Forget that.

mrwalkensir · 10/04/2023 22:47

I have a mother like this. They rely on their partners switching off/colluding. Please split if you possibly can. At worst, let them know that it's not them/you. There's a very good thread on here at the moment about narcissistic mothers, but dads are essentially the same

Snowjokes · 10/04/2023 22:48

If you stay, they’re always in a difficult situation and can never fully relax. If you leave, then even if it’s 50:50 (fairly unlikely) that means 50% of the time they get to relax and feel safe. That time is valuable.

Leave. Show them that the behaviour is unacceptable, show them that you’re protecting them by taking them away, equip them with the ability to reject him as they get old enough to.

May09Bump · 10/04/2023 22:59

Is it legal to record him during these outbursts / abuse? Probably worth finding out, because if so it could be used to ask the courts for contact centre only access.

You leave asap or get him removed from the house - protect your children. I'd also look into therapy for you and the children. Given what you have said, I'd be super organised about it and do it swiftly in one go.

Original poster
Evoname · 10/04/2023 23:06

Thanks all. I think I knew that's the answer but so nervous I won't be able to protect them when they aren't with me.

I'm the breadwinner and he does a lot of the domestic chores so to speak due to my hours which is why I'm worried he will seek for a fair amount of custody. He did have therapy when my eldest was born as he did realise his behaviour wasn't ok but didn't help.

Want to sort it out before the damage to my kids is too inset. I dont want to enable/ignore. Just need to figure out the best outcome to the shitty situation I've let us get into.

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 10/04/2023 23:11

Honestly? Go to the police and report the pyschological and domestic abuse. They[ll probably do nothing. But it a paper trail. As it is in front of minors you must mention it.

It is important.

Then stealthily work out what and how you are going to do it. You need a family lawyer who understands domestic abuse.

splilt · 10/04/2023 23:20

My priority is my children. I can live with him. Or without. Basically what ever is best for them I will do

Well it's never going to be exposing them to abuse, is it?

Original poster
Evoname · 10/04/2023 23:22

I have thought about recording him. It's the constantness of it more than the intensity so might be difficult. And sounds so petty sometimes.

Examples from today ( we are on holiday in Wales)

  • he questioned why I put sunglasses on to sit in garden when it wasn't hot (it was 13 and sunny)
  • he asked if I thought I was cool for having a glass of wine (erm.. no I'm 37 and on holiday and enjoy a glass of wine)
  • my son (6) suffers from abdominal pain frequently ( waiting for referral from doctor). He told him off for crying and then when I told him to stop he told me off for letting him cry as I "pamper" him
  • then spent day belittling my son for "crying like a girl"
  • when I challenged his behaviour I received a torrent of abuse. said I read too much/ listen to my friends too much/ called me names/ became really nasty

Basically since we woke this morning he was nice for about 10 mins when he showed my son something. The rest of the time was name calling and humiliating us all. It's exhausting

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 10/04/2023 23:26

Surprised you have to ask which is the better option when this scumbag’s behaviour features belittling his young child due to their abdominal pain. Amongst everything else.

in case you need someone else to add to the same chorus then yes leaving is the best option. The only one.

adriftabroad · 10/04/2023 23:28

Classic NPD and as I said, will get so much worse. I am just glad he cannot financially abuse you.

I bet he criticises the way you look. The way you cook. The way you clean. Definitely you as a mother.

They hate themselves, of course, but it is indeed exhausting. They have no empathy at all, even more so for DCs. Do you both own family home?

adriftabroad · 10/04/2023 23:32

The abdominal pain? Anxiety will be a factor.

DD and I became physically ill.

gwrachod · 10/04/2023 23:32

You need to talk to a solicitor. If he's at home with the DC and you work, then there is a chance the courts will see him as the main parent.

How much of a chance, I have no idea. Get legal advice and act accordingly.

You need to get out, but you also need to play smart.

Original poster
Evoname · 10/04/2023 23:42

@splilt it not black and white hence why I'm asking for advice. He used to work away so it used to be the best option ( I felt) to stay with him . As then they only spent 2 days a week with him of which I was there.

In August he got a new job so he's home 7 days a week and now I need to reconsider best options. We've been together 19 years. In the last 6 years both our fathers died and both our mums are unwell. As mentioned his mum is bi polar and now non functioning (didn't even acknowledge the birth of our youngest) and my mum has dementia. So it's been turbulent and is super complex.

He had got on good terms with his dad just before he died (a realisation that some of the abuse was his dad having difficulty with the situation from his mum). His dad died in march just as COVID hit so was very difficult for my husband to seek help and support.

I realise these sound like excuses but there are reasons for not throwing the towel in too soon. Some things take time to deal with. However, he's had his time and I don't think there will be any way he can resolve his emotions/personality to a satisfactory standard. My priority is my kids and giving them the best future

OP posts:
ClarabelleRose · 10/04/2023 23:42

Such constant abusive behaviour will almost always have a huge impact on children. Imagine, a millefeuille of abuse, layer upon layer of shouting, of criticisms, belittling and name-calling. Each time it happens, there’s more evidence imprinted into your little children’s minds that they’re not good enough, that they deserve it. The thing to make it even worse? The other parent not doing enough to remove them from that environment.

Leaving someone with NPD can be very difficult, so please tread carefully and get all the support you can.

splilt · 10/04/2023 23:49

Evoname · 10/04/2023 23:42

@splilt it not black and white hence why I'm asking for advice. He used to work away so it used to be the best option ( I felt) to stay with him . As then they only spent 2 days a week with him of which I was there.

In August he got a new job so he's home 7 days a week and now I need to reconsider best options. We've been together 19 years. In the last 6 years both our fathers died and both our mums are unwell. As mentioned his mum is bi polar and now non functioning (didn't even acknowledge the birth of our youngest) and my mum has dementia. So it's been turbulent and is super complex.

He had got on good terms with his dad just before he died (a realisation that some of the abuse was his dad having difficulty with the situation from his mum). His dad died in march just as COVID hit so was very difficult for my husband to seek help and support.

I realise these sound like excuses but there are reasons for not throwing the towel in too soon. Some things take time to deal with. However, he's had his time and I don't think there will be any way he can resolve his emotions/personality to a satisfactory standard. My priority is my kids and giving them the best future

It absolutely IS black and white.

Original poster
Evoname · 10/04/2023 23:51

@gwrachod yes that's where my head is at too. Definitely not rushing into this. Definitely right time to leave but going to do so with a sensible head and thought out plan

It's only recently become sooo constant. When he's not behaving badly he's a really brilliant dad so I'm committed to working with him for sake of kids. I have no intention of cutting him out completely although not off the cards if needs must.

Kind of hoping by walking will shock him and bring the good dad back. But aware this might not be the case. Like I said it's about my kids. And I'm playing the long game

@adriftabroad not discounting its anxiety but my son has had trouble with his tummy since he was a few weeks old so more likely to be a digestive issue

OP posts:
Original poster
Evoname · 10/04/2023 23:57

@ClarabelleRose I agree. This holiday has firmly concluded that for me and I can see it happening.

I am in no way going to stand by and watch it happen. But I was fortunate to experience that as a child so seeking advice from those who have.

To be clear. I won't and don't sit by when he behaves like that. Which is where the thought process of staying to protect comes in.

I'm a realist. I know it's unlikely they won't not have contact him so I need to seek best resolution. Clearly overwhelming opinion is to leave so thanks everyone for help and advice. It's really appreciated

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 10/04/2023 23:59

@splilt it takes an average of 10 years to leave this sort of situation. It is not easy when dealing with this.

SparklingLime · 11/04/2023 00:06

ClarabelleRose · 10/04/2023 23:42

Such constant abusive behaviour will almost always have a huge impact on children. Imagine, a millefeuille of abuse, layer upon layer of shouting, of criticisms, belittling and name-calling. Each time it happens, there’s more evidence imprinted into your little children’s minds that they’re not good enough, that they deserve it. The thing to make it even worse? The other parent not doing enough to remove them from that environment.

Leaving someone with NPD can be very difficult, so please tread carefully and get all the support you can.

I grew up exactly like this. It hasn't gone well.

Original poster
Evoname · 11/04/2023 00:08

Thanks @adriftabroad for all your advice. That's such a sad statistic. I have no intentions of letting this happen for 10 years. Figured my kids are both young enough to be able to recover somewhat. I will do whatever I can to minimise damage to them. That is a promise!

OP posts:
splilt · 11/04/2023 00:10

adriftabroad · 10/04/2023 23:59

@splilt it takes an average of 10 years to leave this sort of situation. It is not easy when dealing with this.

Not sure why you are telling me. My children are not living in an abusive situation.

SparklingLime · 11/04/2023 00:14

*When he's not behaving badly he's a really brilliant dad so I'm committed to working with him for sake of kids. I have no intention of cutting him out completely although not off the cards if needs must.

Kind of hoping by walking will shock him and bring the good dad back. But aware this might not be the case. Like I said it's about my kids. And I'm playing the long game*

You're still in quite a bit of denial, OP.

A dad that shames his son for pain is never a "brilliant dad", it's not something that can be turned off and on. His behaviour damages his kids. The fact that he can be nice can actually make it harder for children.

Someone with NPD or even strong traits will not be "shocked" into being less abusive by you leaving. May escalate.

I can understand your concern over him having the kids on his own at all. Impossible situation. Agree with pp, document his behaviour and report.