Parenting with someone with narcissistic personality disorder

[Evoname]

Need opinions please ..

Pretty certain my husband has npd. Not diagnosed (I mean how do you even get someone with npd diagnosed - that conversation would not go down well) rather than narcissistic traits

He had a difficult childhood. Bipolar mother. Abusive father.

Background. We have 2 kids- 6 and 2. I consider my self strong. I'm financially independent. He's always had these behaviours but usual story since having kids it's intensified...

My priority is my children. I can live with him. Or without. Basically what ever is best for them I will do

While I'm able to switch off from his behaviour... What's best for my kids? Stay with- more stability/ I can protect them to an extent/ remove from situation. Or... Leave... But then they are at risk of spending 50% of their time with him without me. There is a risk if we split he will move away so might mean lots of travelling for kids. They will also not want to be apart from me.

(Examples of behaviour towards kids and myself - constantly criticise/yelling/telling off/belittling/name calling. He stops if I call him out on it but only after a mouthful of abuse and name calling to us all and then goes off in a sulk. Lots and lot of coercive behaviour. )

Particularly interested in hearing from those with a narcissist parent what your thoughts are. Cutting off completely unlikely to happen (not that I'm familiar with family courts but can't imagine that being an outcome)

Any advice gratefully received

''@Greenfairydust not helpful. I had concerns about future possible outcomes- is it better for them to be alone with him for some time or around him all the time but with me there.

It's not as easy as take them away and problem solved. He will have rights and I'm aware of that. He used to work away so staying at one point was the better option.''

Really?

The fact that this is not what you want to hear does not make it ''not helpful''.

I grew up in this type of environment.

It was a nightmare and I never forgave my mother for just standing by doing nothing and allowing me to be screamed out and belittled at every opportunity.

It ended up in my father physically assaulting me (hitting me in the face out of the blue) when I was in my teens. Again she did nothing.

You are enabling a narcissist. Full stop.

If his behaviour is so bad that he could not be left on his own with his kids then you need to report him to social services/the police and leave him.

"If his behaviour is so bad that he could not be left on his own with his kids then you need to report him to social services/the police and leave him."

I agree with everything other than this bit☝️

From my own experience, and I accept it may well be different to others, but his behaviour was extremely damaging to the children, and yet the police and social services thought it was just piss poor parenting (their exact words). Apparently being a bad parent isn't against the law, only if it's deemed extremely dangerously abusive. My ex not only hit and marked the DC but also was extremely emotionally and psychologically abusive, and yet this seemed to be widely swept under the carpet by an institute that is very old-fashioned. Sometimes I had to pinch myself and remind myself I'm living in the era that I am because it felt like the children have no rights and should be seen and not heard, and it all boils down to parenting styles, some of which are less favourable than others. So even though it would be horrendously damaging for the OP's DC, unfortunately the powers that be don't actually see it that way always at all, unless it is accompanied by either sexual abuse or breaking of bones or skin, and even then we've had some horror stories on threads in mums net of sexual abuses that are allowed access to all the other children apart from the one that got caught abusing. It just beggars belief. So it's all well and good saying to the OP, go and report if he's unsafe, but she will get nowhere most likely, though having said that you have to still report it or else you are considered complicit in the neglect of their safety - again, my voice of painful experience where social services condemned me for not having gone to the police, but then, when I went to the police, claimed I was blowing things out of proportion and making drama. You couldn't make it up.

My best advice, looking back, is leave but document everything. The chances are you will have to expose your children to him unsupervised because he always stays within the limits of the law, but the behaviour of not coping over time will be picked up at school and nursery and then it has to change immediately. It really is the only way because to stay is more damaging than to leave. It's only since splitting up that my DC have begun to slowly heal, and this is despite their access without me being there. It really is much more powerful for them to come home to Safety, to be debriefed, helped to build up confidence before they sent back out again. Luckily, our court order is pretty flexible and considers the children from contact to contact but it didn't start of that way. I would say, though, that it doesn't take long for there to be signs the DC are not coping with the contact so they don't have to be miserable for many years before you step in and reduce contact with good reason (again, I can't emphasise to document enough). It's a horrible, painful, acute process but the chronic damage of staying I realise is worse.

The most important part of all of it is that you get help for yourself because you will also be very damaged by this and when you are broken you can't be strong enough to stand up for your children, which is what is needed above all else.