Tactful response required - please help...

[unhappy]

I work full time so dont get to spend much time with parents from my dd's class.

I went to a party recently with dd and one of ther other mums asked if dd could come over after school on a play date. Nothing wrong with that but I have only met her on two occasions both kids parties. I was very vague about it but what I really wanted to say was I dont know you well enough to let you take my child straight to your house that I have never been to. Also my dd's father who picks them up from after schools club would have a fit ie. we dont know her well enough etc etc.

I only go into school once a week to pick up my kids and know she will mention it again can anyone please help me out here with something that will sound polite and not hurt her feelings. My dd is in reception and it was a very well established group with most of the mums knowing each other since nursery etc so they obviously feel comfortable looking after each others kids.

I dont want to alienate myself from the other mums but seeming standoffsih or unfriendly but this does not sit well with me - help please

Suggest her AND her daughter come to yours one day so you can get to know her and the kids can play together at yours?

Make it the day you pick dd up and go with her? Then if you are happy, she can go again another day

Agree with Jackstini -- suggest that your DD isn't used to playdates so it may be best if you come with her the first time.

I would let her go tbh.

I think you have to deal with this - you can't restrict dd's friends to those you happen to know. Going round to someone's house to play is an important part of friendship when you are little.

Agree if it gives you the heebie jeebies invite them round to yours if you can get away early one day. Or suggest a weekend.

Thanks for your posts - dont actually agree with the deal with it scenario (sorry edam) but live in South London where you have to think about whose house you are sending your child to

You do have to start letting her form her own friendships though, not just those of your friends children, and those you "approve" of. Get the address from them, make it a relatively short visit, and if you really are freaking go for a drive past the day before

How old is she?

Unhappy - bit of a generalisation there... Or am I the only one that didn't realise the country's nutters only live in South London.

Only let your child go if you feel comfortable with it. If possible invite your dd classmates over to your house so that you can get to know them and indirectly, their families. Go round and have a chat with the parents if needs be. I have done this. Don't feel embarrassed. It would be very rare for a parent not to appreciate your concern for your child, even if they themselves might think it a bit odd.
For the time being, it's quite easy to fob off invites if that's what you want to do. Don't make apologies for needing to be reassured about your child's safety/happiness.
With time and some effort on your part, you will get to know people better and things will get easier.

Titchy not generalising about south london just asking for advice on how to be tactful maybe I should not have made the sout london comment but its a reality where ever we live - would you let you child got to someone's how you have only said hello to twice?

juule thanks for your post - I dont feel comfortable about this so will probably just fob her off just want to do it in a polite way if thats possible. Dont mind doing the weekend thing at mine or hers but as long as I am there - life sometimes too busy to forge new friendships - sad I know but its true

juule thanks for your post - I dont feel comfortable about this so will probably just fob her off just want to do it in a polite way if thats possible. Dont mind doing the weekend thing at mine or hers but as long as I am there - life sometimes too busy to forge new friendships - sad I know but its true

cornsilk she is 4

OH Blimey, I'm a WOHM too so don't know the school mums. I never thought twice when a mum asked if she could go for tea.. I said of course, had never even met her before. She goes all the time now and loves it (lucikly other mum is understanding that I can't recipricate). It's tea after school not a sleepover?

Actually 4 is quite young to send her off with someone you don't know. Agree with Juule in that case.

I think it's a good idea to invite them over to your house first if you are wary. I don't think it's a good idea to just turn your back on this part of your dd's school life. I understand that you are busy, but this sort of thing is important to children, and I think you need a strategy to help it along. I wouldn't be in the least bit offended to be checked out first, but I might be a bit miffed to be completely fobbed off.

I always used the excuse that my child was a little bit shy, and therefore it would be nice if we could visit for a cup of tea for an hour or so after school, together. That way I could get to know the mum, spend some time in the house etc before deciding whether to let dc visit alone. Perfectly reasonable I think. I always offered the same to other parents and they were quite happy with that.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel how you do with your 4yo. It's very young. How about for the time being you just smile and say perhaps another night as things are busy. Just do the weekends if you feel your dd is missing out in some way (which I don't think she would be at this age).
There will be birthday invites and stuff coming up in the future. I wouldn't worry too much about this now.

Unhappy, dd is going to make friends with the children in her class whether you like it or not and it's going to be important in the long run that she can go to the homes of her schoolfriends and isn't restricted to her old (and your) social circuit. take this opportunity (via excellent suggestions above - invite them to you first, say she is nervous child and would rather you stayed with her first, whatever) to find a way to make yourself comfortable with new friends.

IME being friends with mums at school is crucial to your children's happiness and safety - as they get older and more independent you already know who is ok and who isn't, you have someone to turn to when things go a bit pear-shaped at school, you can talk to other mums about teachers and so forth. It's part of your good parenting to make these networks for your child's safety and socialisation. Please do it!

Or - if, like me, you work F/T you could suggest a coffee at the weekend or half term etc, just to give you a chance to get to know them.

I can understand your nervousness. But I also think that outside school socialising is important part of childhood (learning how to behave to another family's set of rules, negotiating non-familiar food/toilets etc,etc) so I guess I feel that you need to think about the long term implications as well as this specific occassion. You don't want your dd to loose out of the social whirlwind that is playdates And it could also be useful to you in the future to have mates in the playground.

Another thought - this other mum (if she's part of an established social gang) is making a nice step towards you by asking your dd over - people tend to get stuck in their cliques very fast...

How about saying your dd is sometimes nervous in strange situations, and would she & her dd like to come over to yours (at the weekend if needbe) for a play first. You can scope her out/get more of a sense of her then. Would be a shame to turn down the opportunity, imho

I think you have to be willing to use your one day a week picking her up to facilitate playdates - whether by accompanying her to them, or having kids and mums back to yours. If you cut her out of the playdate circuit, that will be very damaging for her in the long run. But my dd wouldn't have gone off happily to a strange house when she was 4, so I think it's perfectly reasonable of you to want to oversee this.

No such thing imo as cutting a 4yo out of a playdate circuit. When you are ready you can always enter the 'circuit' by inviting children yourself. As long as you are aware of what's going on and listen to your child you'll get a feel of whether or not she's missing out on anything.
Absolutely not damaging if you don't want to join in at this point so don't get all worked up over it. She's only in reception - there's years ahead of her yet.

I, like you unhappy, wouldn't send ds to the house of someone I didn't know very well. I think the best response is to say that she might be shy/uncomfortable so it's best if you tag along, or invite the friend over to yours.

And I will go against the grain here and say that I actually don't think the whole playdate thing is that crucial to a child's development. I'm sure it's helpful, for the child who enjoys it. Does your dd say anything about going?