Tactful response required - please help...

[unhappy]

I work full time so dont get to spend much time with parents from my dd's class.

I went to a party recently with dd and one of ther other mums asked if dd could come over after school on a play date. Nothing wrong with that but I have only met her on two occasions both kids parties. I was very vague about it but what I really wanted to say was I dont know you well enough to let you take my child straight to your house that I have never been to. Also my dd's father who picks them up from after schools club would have a fit ie. we dont know her well enough etc etc.

I only go into school once a week to pick up my kids and know she will mention it again can anyone please help me out here with something that will sound polite and not hurt her feelings. My dd is in reception and it was a very well established group with most of the mums knowing each other since nursery etc so they obviously feel comfortable looking after each others kids.

I dont want to alienate myself from the other mums but seeming standoffsih or unfriendly but this does not sit well with me - help please

You've had lots of excellent suggestions on how to allow your daughter to make this playdate in a way that you can feel safe with; I would adopt one of them. But first I would ask dd if she wants to go. If she doesn't, then that is obviously another matter.

In the long run, you will have to make arrangements for dd to play with children from families you do not already know, simply because the friends you have ready-made, so to speak, may not be the right friends for her. I have some lovely friends whose children simply don't get on with my dc's at all or have anything in common with them.

So it's a good idea to think out a few strategies now that will satisfy both you and her father, but will give her the chance to expand her social circle.

You can put it off this time if it's inconvenient, that's perfectly acceptable. However, the longer you put it off, the less your dd will put up with being chaperoned when she does go out. You won't get away with the she-is-very-shy excuse when she's 13! So I would say the best way to keep her safe is to expand your social circle now, so you know more about the people around in 5 or 6 years time.

It does mean extra work for a parent (and the risk of hanging round talking to some pretty boring people) but IMO that's part of the parenting job, as much as the boring nappy changes and the tedious tooth-cleaning. Anyway, you may be surprised- many people turn out to be far from boring if you give them a chance.

I am fortunate enough to live in a part of town with a very good community spirit, where most of us know something of most of the children in our dc's classes- but community spirit is what you get when you work at it. Our being able to feel (relatively) safe now is the result of endless cups of coffee drunk at the kitchen tables of relative strangers.

I think you are being a bit daft actually.

Just because you're not at the school gates every day is no reason not to let your dd go to her friends house.

Do you really think that a mum at the school gates, picking up er own child, is going to do your child any harm?

We live out in the country, not a lot of people around us. If it weren't for dd's friends coming the odd day after school she would have just cows & sheep for company. She was in her 3rd week at school when she asked if her little friend could come home for a play.

I didn't even know her mum's name so I just walked quickly after her when I saw her picking up her dd & said "Excuse me... excuse me... Hi, I'm XXXX mum & I hear she plays with XXXX every day at school. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind XXXX coming home some Friday after school, if that suited?"

She looked at me & got a little embarassed then said "Actually, would tomorrow suit you? As I have a hospital appointment & my mum is working, I don't know anyone else locally & I was going to cancel it!"

So I took the little one home the next day. I wasn't an axe murderer. The other little girls has had dd a few times too & any time her mum can't get anyone to mind her, I do it.

It really is in your best interestes to make friends with your dd's friends' mum's.

Agree with PortandLemon. Most playdates of that age the parent goes too for the first visit - just seems to be standard at our school.

What if the child in question is the 3rd child out of 5? Do you all tag along on the playdate too?

"You won't get away with the she-is-very-shy excuse when she's 13!" Lol Cory, what's that got to do with her at the moment? Sorry just thought that was funny.

Saadia- agree completely with your last para.

*WallofSilence" "It really is in your best interestes to make friends with your dd's friends' mum's." Why?

juule I think you are hearing me more than many others posting here.

What my thread asked was for some advice on being tactful I do not want to alienate myself from any mums as I do only go to school once a week. I am not thinking everyone is an axe murderer and I dont necessarily agree with the whole Play dates are so important debate that seems to have apepared on this thread.

Thanks for the positive posts - reckon I will have to deal with this my way - just would have liked some tactful words to use

I'm interested in how to say no to these things too- anyone got any helpful tips? I've nothing against the idea of after school playdates generally but what if you really don't like the parent and don't want your child (or yourself) to go to their home.

I'm not desperately snobby or anti-social but surely we all know people who maybe we don't get a great feeling about for whatever reason.

Well, Juuule, obviously I don't mean best friends. I mean acquaintance. Someone you are on nodding terms with, you never know when you might someone to pull you out of a spot.

You'll come up with something, unhappy. Why not just be honest and say that you are not comfortable with being away from her at the moment and maybe next term. If they think you're a bit weird, so what. Most likely they'll think awww pfb - and there's nothing wrong with that.
Otherwise blame dd dad

Thanks juule - you are right - sorry but what does awww pfb mean? Not very good with the acronomyns on mumsnet?

My spelling is crap too!!

WallOfSilence - what an odd post

"Do you really think that a mum at the school gates, picking up er own child, is going to do your child any harm?"

I am not an alarmist at all, and for the record, my 4yo has been on playdates, but you have no idea what other people are like and just because they pick their children up from school does not mean that they are automatically trustworthy nor would someone not picking their child up mean that they were not

The point i am trying to make is, that you have no idea have you?

I think its a sensible idea to get to know the parents of the child first and i don't think that the OP is "being a little daft" at all!

Each to their own and all that ...

OP - i would adapt one of the very good suggestions on here to meet your needs. I don't think you're being over-protective, just protective ...and theres nowt wrong with that!

Pfb - Precious first born

She is actually second child but hey at least now I know - she is totally precious though - thanks for your posts juule

bluenosesaint - thats what i was thinking. There is one parent in the town where I live with several kids, one in a pushchair. He is regularly seen walking them all to and from school drinking from a can of Special Brew - often at 9 in the morning. Now he may be happily picking up his own kids but I wouldn't be quite so keen for him to pick up mine.

For example, I went along on a first playdate with DD1. As we walked along to their house I realised that the mother let her child run ahead of us and run across roads on his own (not small side roads.) In fact she told me that once he'd run so far ahead that he was home 10 minutes before her. He was 5.

She's not a bad person - just has very different parenting ideas to me (and most people I suspect.)

Doesn't matter which one they are, does it, they are all precious and I think we are only relaxed with subsequent children in situations that we've encountered with the older ones. New situations can still throw you regardless of what number child it is.

Agree fully redadmiral - you know I think I have a problem in that I worry about every little thing ie. i had to post for advice about this - wish I could be more relaxed but then again if I was my name would not be unhappy !!!

I once walked home from school with a classmate of ds1 and his dad who was visiting. He wanted ds to go back to his house to play. I had never met the family, so invited them for a cup of tea and short visit with me, making the excuse that we had a later appointment.

I subsequently found out that this man was divorced from his wife becaus of domestic violence and drugs.

So it is not totally unreasonable to be a little bit cautious IMO. (DS1 was 6 at the time).

The mum and her new partner were very nice people and ds1 did go to play with his friend when the dad was not around. I am not saying he would have been a risk to my child, but you just don't know.

I would agree with the suggestions to invite them both over first, if it's something you want to pursue.

I make no apology for the fact that I won't let my children visit someone elses house without me or Dh unless we know them really well.

Cheers Sue - I kind of feel a bit of wally for posting this one - but I get really tongue tied and always think of the right thing to say after the event!!

I just wanted to be able to be nice about it (yeah I know nice!!) I dont wont to come over unfriendly as someone else said about this little group of mums kinda of offering me an olive branch - which i would glady accept - I just worry about every little thing so wish I was a more relaxed person !!

Ubhappy - I have exactly the same ideas as you, but I don't wish I was more relaxed. It is just how I am, and I am not comfortable with my dc going home with strangers! (easier now with my es being 11, but still wary with my ys who's 7)
If you can - then offer to come along too, or ask children to your house with their parents, so your dd gets to mix. If you can't/don't want to, then I would just explain that, as shes only 4 and perhaps a little shy, you/she would rather not until she's a little older, but thanks anyway.
Don't feel you need to apologise - she's your dd and it's your decision, and IMO it's not daft, just sensible.

when I was at primary school I never realised that people played outside school too.

I remember when I was 10 I came into school one morning and my hitherto best friend, who I had sat next to for the previous 5 years, had moved places to sit next to someone she'd been playing with outside school.

I can still remember how hurt and embarrassed I felt as I went to find another seat.

I am not saying this will happen at 4, because of course it won't, I don't understand why you won't invite the child to yours on the day you are off to be honest ... outside playdates help your children boost relationships and help with in-school relationships

it's rather sad I feel that you are discounting all the excellent advice here, because all you want is a polite way to say no

if that's really what you want, then say what you put in your first post .. nothing rude about it at all