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Original poster

Tactful response required - please help...

70 replies

unhappy · 14/02/2008 09:22

I work full time so dont get to spend much time with parents from my dd's class.

I went to a party recently with dd and one of ther other mums asked if dd could come over after school on a play date. Nothing wrong with that but I have only met her on two occasions both kids parties. I was very vague about it but what I really wanted to say was I dont know you well enough to let you take my child straight to your house that I have never been to. Also my dd's father who picks them up from after schools club would have a fit ie. we dont know her well enough etc etc.

I only go into school once a week to pick up my kids and know she will mention it again can anyone please help me out here with something that will sound polite and not hurt her feelings. My dd is in reception and it was a very well established group with most of the mums knowing each other since nursery etc so they obviously feel comfortable looking after each others kids.

I dont want to alienate myself from the other mums but seeming standoffsih or unfriendly but this does not sit well with me - help please

OP posts:

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Zazette · 14/02/2008 15:28

well, your post suggested that the problem was that you didn't know the mum well enough - so I don't think it was unreasonable for people to suggest that trying to get to know her might be one way forward. If what you meant was 'and I don't want to know her any better, I don't want my child to go on playdates at all', perhaps you should have spelled that out.

As for the comment about playdates not being crucial to a child's development - true enough, no doubt, but what a joylessly instrumental attitude to play! If my kids are anything to go by, playdates are crucial to having fun and building friendships. A good enough reason to facilitate them, IMO.

Original poster

unhappy · 14/02/2008 15:56

I think I was quite clear in my post what I wanted I wanted to say no in a polite way but not because I never want dd to go on play dates but I want to know the person I am sending my child home with a little better. Why are some of so judgemental - all I wanted was advice - I officially give up on my thread - cya

OP posts:

SueBaroo · 14/02/2008 16:01

I think some posters are being a bit unfair to the OP. She hasn't been rude about any of the suggestions made, but she was just asking about how to approach going about things in the way she is comfortable with.

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juuule · 14/02/2008 18:25

True Subaroo. I don't think that unhappy has been rude at all.
Fwiw playdates (especially at 4) haven't been crucial to my children having fun and building friendships. They've managed that anyway although they have had playdates when they got older. So I suppose you have to judge what your own child might need.
Hope you feel better about doing your own thing about what suits you and yours, Unhappy.

Twiglett · 14/02/2008 18:27

I don't think I was rude, so I hope those last few posts weren't directed at me.

I do think it will be difficult to get to 'know parents' if OP refuses all invitations though

SueBaroo · 14/02/2008 18:55

No, Twiglett, I simply said I didn't think the OP had been rude or dismissive of the replies given to her. But she wasn't asking for a critique of her decisions about playdates, and I can see how she ended up getting a bit ticked orf.

HonoriaGlossop · 14/02/2008 19:01

playdates are so not important - at four, specially. I don't think unhappy's dd will suffer in any way and I think it is totally appropriate not to send your child to an almost complete stranger's house. I wouldn't do it and I don't think that's being overprotective.

I totally agree juule that these playdates are not crucial to building friendships; I think as most children get older they might lobby like mad for their best friends to come over for dinner or whatever, and that's fine, (and much easier to 'let go' of your child when they're ten or twelve, rather than 4!) also fine if they don't!

unhappy I don't think you need to feel any pressure about this issue - say no if you want to and do not think you will be harming your dd's social life in any way! FWIW I would have thought saying no politely is easy enough; either be honest and say you and dd are not comfortable with her having solo playdates yet, or say she's too tired after a school day, or say she's a bit hesitant but would come if mum came too. All fine I think.

HairyToe · 14/02/2008 21:42

I posted a thread once on being concerned about sending my 4 year old pre-school DD on her own to an almost stranger's house for tea... I got one response telling me I was being irrational. That told me...

seeker · 14/02/2008 22:29

You'rw talking about going round to eat fish fingers and have a play for half an hour - not forging lifelong friendships. If you work outside the home,then I think you should expect to spend your non working days building relationships with your dd's class mates parents so that you will feel happy letting her go to play. Apart from anthing ese, it is a hure weight off your mind if you can ring someone up at 3,05 and say "I'm caught in a traffic jam - can you take dd home and I'll pick her up when I get there'

The after school social life is so important to them - please don't underestimate it.

juuule · 14/02/2008 22:40

The after school social life is so important to them - please don't underestimate it." At 4 years old? Really? Doesn't seem to have disadvantaged mine in any way.
I assume unhappy has contingency plans for if she is late for school pickup. Although I think her dd dad does the pickup. Perhaps it should be him that fosters good relations with the school mums/dads.

seeker · 14/02/2008 22:44

She's not going to be 4 for long! You have to think about the years to come.

bluenosesaint · 14/02/2008 22:45

But surely she can re-think the whole thing when her dd is older in years to come ...???

seeker · 14/02/2008 22:46

When all the relationships are forged? Harder that you think.

bluenosesaint · 14/02/2008 22:49

I don't agree Seeker.

My dd moved to a new school in Year one and therefore missed all the relationship forging. I didn't feel comfortable allowing her to go on playdates for another couple of years either ...

She is now in Year 3 (aged 8) and regularly goes on playdates or they come to us. No problems ...

juuule · 14/02/2008 22:49

Relationships at 4 can be very changeable. It's not set in stone. Reassess in 6m or 12m or 2y.

seeker · 14/02/2008 22:52

So if a child actually wants to go to tea with a friend, you say no? Or am I misunderstanding?

juuule · 14/02/2008 22:52

Try and arrange it if you can. If not, no big deal.

bluenosesaint · 14/02/2008 22:58

I postponed it as long as i could tbh. I wanted to get a 'feel' for the parents. This wasn't hard with my dd1 admittedly as she is very much a homebird and didn't really want to go, even though the idea appealled to her.

Even now, the evening before she is due to go to a friends house for tea, she has a little 'wobble' that she doesn't want to go, bless her.

My much-more-assertive dd2 has been on playdates already (she's in Reception) but i did know the parent (albeit not very well) so the circumstances are different.

The point I am making with my dd1 is that relationships can easily be forged later in school and playdates at 4 are nowhere near essential.

Countingthegreyhairs · 14/02/2008 23:22

Um, I think it depends on the child.

Playdates ARE hugely important to my dd (4.5yrs) who is a very sociable only child. I wasn't totally happy with her starting to go on them at such a young age, but she received lots of invitations and begged and begged to be allowed to go. It started to seem churlish to keep refusing. And I can honestly say she has enjoyed every single one so far.

She's formed really quite intense friendships with two little girls in particular and those friendships have definitely helped her to feel more settled at school.

They have helped in other ways too. For example one of her friends has an eating problem so my dd (a very good eater) is invited over for tea to encourage this friend to eat - with great results! My dd isn't always as obedient as this other little girl and finds transitions hard, and being with this friend has helped her learn to listen and respond more quickly to verbal instructions. Of course they pick up bad behaviour too

I never thought I would be posting on this side of the "debate" tbh - I find (reciprocating) playdates quite hard work - and I had the usual concerns about her safety (overcome by getting to know the families better, reciprocating frequently, initiating a casual drink with the parents too) but they happen to have been very beneficial to my dd. (I admittedly have the advantage of living in quite a small tight-knit community hwr.)

If you have a child who isn't particularly sociable or who has many siblings, then I'm sure playdates are not as important.

To the op, as others have said, I would just ask the other mum if she would mind if you accompanied your dd for the first time. Or use the "thanks, that's very kind, but she has quite a few scheduled activities after school at the moment, but perhaps the girls could get together later in the year" ...etc ...??

seeker · 14/02/2008 23:29

I do a lot of the inviting - and I always invite the mum too -and I'm disaspointed if she doesn't want to come too - I like to lure other grown ups into my lair with offers of home made cake and shockingly early glasses of wine...

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