DM and childcare- how would you sort this

[pumpkinspicedcaffeine]

So 2 dcs of nursery age, one funded and one not. Funding is used on 3 full days due to work and nursery availability (everywhere else was full / less days/ waaaay more expensive and no childminders). Unfortunately no scope to increase their days due to lack of availability now.

so I’ve taken a new job, old job I had compressed hrs, new job can’t do it, was on the fence, chatted to DM she encouraged me to take the new job and said she’d watch kids to make up childcare. I was hesitant because she’s no spring chicken and lives an hr away and it’s a lot. But she insisted and said she wants to. Fast forward 3 months and dm has only been up 4 times to watch kids, she’s cancelled last minute every other time. Spoke to her and said I’ll put the kids in 4 days, when the nursery has space (dh has condensed hrs and has them the other day) she got incredibly upset and begged me not to and that she wouldn’t cancel anymore. She came up the next week to watch them and has cancelled last minute every following week, this week will make it 3 weeks running, at the beginning of every week she promises she’ll be up and then the day before she watches them she cancels.

im now stuffed as there is no place at nursery on the day she used to watch them. I can’t condense or reduce my hours and we’re scrapping last minute all the time to find emergency childcare. But speaking to her about it she is saying she desperately wants to come up to watch them, and for me not to take it away from her. Right now I have no other alternative than to carry on as is knowing she’ll cancel 60% of the time but I literally don’t know what to do. They nursery don’t have places until September

someone help me think

What is her excuse for cancelling? Honestly, if she was that desperate she'd make the effort and you really have to put yourself first here. Child care is essential for you to work, not a nice perk for your DM when she can be bothered! Make alternative arrangements and tell her your job is on the line because you don't have reliable childcare, if she starts guilt tripping you. But in your shoes I'd be honest and tell her straight she is too unreliable.

Do you have any local childminders to fill the gap until the September nursery places?

If I were being generous I'd say it depends on why she's cancelling but in reality it doesn't, does it. You know you can't rely on her so I would take up the nursery place when it comes back available. Maybe offer your mum the chance to look after them in the school holidays when 'they're a bit older and easier' or something like that if you want to soften the blow.

Are you with the baby's dad? Are they able to condense their hours until childcare is sorted?

Ultimately you're going to have to get regular paid for childcare from somewhere, whether it's a new nursery or childminder.

People often ask on local FB pages and our local nurseries will often say whether there's space or when it's likely space will come up.

@NerrSnerr OP has said her husband condenses his hours and has them once day during the week, 3 days at nursery, OP used to compress and do the other day but new job won't allow it, hence the day their grandmother said she'd cover but doesn't

Spoke to her and said I’ll put the kids in 4 days, when the nursery has space (dh has condensed hrs and has them the other day) she got incredibly upset and begged me not to

^^

@UndercoverCop sorry I missed the husband bit! I saw the OP had previously condensed hours. No excuse- just lazy skim reading from me!

Personally l would challenge her about her constantly letting you down. There’s probably no nice way to do that but that is the reality of what she is doing

Bananas. Sort out formal childcare for the fourth day. Also I think you need to be clear how much she’s stuffed you around because otherwise you’ll hold onto resentment. I would be absolutely boiling at this!

Maybe you can find another provider and go 2 days/2 days, 1 day/3 days could be quite unsettling for the little one. And take the lesson - you need to be more boundaries with your mum - you should have booked the childcare in maybe the second or third week she failed to show.

Good luck!

She cancels due to illness, but it’s a cold, or a sore throat or my knee is a bit sore and it’s constant.

there’s no spaces at the kids nursery, ive asked. There was when she begged me not to send them In for that 4th day, kicking myself now that I didn’t just bite the bullet and put them in and gave it another chance. No childminders in the area at all, let alone on that one specific day.

there is one other facility that has space from July but it’s nearly £100 per child per day (£45 more expensive than the one they are currently in and eldest because it’s out of term time and her funding is used in a term time facility can’t be used) I can’t afford that. She’s really stuffed me

I'm not sure what you're asking us to decide? You have to tell her the arrangement is no longer tenable, regardless of the reasons why she is cancelling (although I would be interested to know her reasons).

I'm going to presume you or DH don't have option to WFH one day a week or you would already have suggested it.

What would you have done if DM had not made offer to have DC on that day? Just not taken the new job?

Can you drop the children off at hers, would that work better?

I don’t even know what I’m asking, something I’ve not thought of?

we do wfh but we just can’t actually work with 2 young children to care for. I’ll lose my job and I’ve already used all my carer and emergency leave and it’s not even April.

yeah if she hadn’t volunteered I wouldn’t have taken the job, the pay rise would’ve been eroded and some by the increase in childcare. Was about £8k per annum but after tax etc about £350 pm

Would be a 2 hrs round trip every morning before work in rush hr so more like 3.5

she comes up the night before to avoid all of that. If she lived down the road I would in a heart beat

Well, we can't solve your childcare problem now but come September make sure you get those spaces and until then keep asking if their is new space available.
I wouldn't be putting up with her emotional blackmail either, she has really let you down and she needs to know that.
She isn't reliable and cancels last minute so I'd just tell her the day before the kids start the extra days and let her be upset about it.

Never rely on her again - you’ll be lucky to keep your job and that’s down to her; I hope you can work something out.

To make matters worse I’m in a probation period so all of this can’t have reflected well in me

Could you drive up the night before and work there while she looks after them? Might tide you over until you get something longer term in place.

Yes was going to say, could you go there, wfh there?

Can you and your DH take turns to wfh at her place with her watching the kids short term solution but be clear this is only until a space becomes avaliable at nursery due to her being unreliable.

That’s what we do right now, but it’s her physically coming to our house.

ive asked her about her having them there and she feels it’s too risky as her house isn’t small children safe and she doesn’t want bits around like stair gates and toilet aids

If there is literally no paid childcare that you can find right now, then flakey childcare is better than nothing.

But as soon as you find proper childcare, grab it with both hands and tell her that's what you're doing moving forward...no discussion

No, if anything u have gave her too many chances. After a few letdowns I'd have arranged alternative care. Especially as u say it's for a sore knee or cold etc so sounds like it will likely be every week!

Don't let her make u feel guilty she's had so many chances, so many that u have now lost a place at nursery on the day u need. Surely she can see that she can make all the promises in the world but still cancels most of the time.

I would 100% not rely on her at all and find alternative childcare. Take what u can until nursery has a place for them.

This is why relying on family can be tricky. My sister had a similar thing happen. Her mil told her she wld watch baby full time but she went back 3 days, 1 of which my mum did so it was only 2 days a week she needed her to watch the baby. Mil changed her mind within a few months and announced she had a cleaning job for 2 hrs everyday so cldnt do it anymore at all!

How about a student? They often have whole free days and if you're in the house they'll be perfectly decent care while you work.

What kind of student?