DM and childcare- how would you sort this

[pumpkinspicedcaffeine]

So 2 dcs of nursery age, one funded and one not. Funding is used on 3 full days due to work and nursery availability (everywhere else was full / less days/ waaaay more expensive and no childminders). Unfortunately no scope to increase their days due to lack of availability now.

so I’ve taken a new job, old job I had compressed hrs, new job can’t do it, was on the fence, chatted to DM she encouraged me to take the new job and said she’d watch kids to make up childcare. I was hesitant because she’s no spring chicken and lives an hr away and it’s a lot. But she insisted and said she wants to. Fast forward 3 months and dm has only been up 4 times to watch kids, she’s cancelled last minute every other time. Spoke to her and said I’ll put the kids in 4 days, when the nursery has space (dh has condensed hrs and has them the other day) she got incredibly upset and begged me not to and that she wouldn’t cancel anymore. She came up the next week to watch them and has cancelled last minute every following week, this week will make it 3 weeks running, at the beginning of every week she promises she’ll be up and then the day before she watches them she cancels.

im now stuffed as there is no place at nursery on the day she used to watch them. I can’t condense or reduce my hours and we’re scrapping last minute all the time to find emergency childcare. But speaking to her about it she is saying she desperately wants to come up to watch them, and for me not to take it away from her. Right now I have no other alternative than to carry on as is knowing she’ll cancel 60% of the time but I literally don’t know what to do. They nursery don’t have places until September

someone help me think

Goodness she's really messed you about here hasn't she?
Personally I'd be furious and have to say something to her because it will fester and eat away at you if you don't.

Is there any way and I know it's the absolute last thing you want to do where you can explain the situation you find yourself in to the right person at your new job and see if they are prepared to do something with your hours to tide you over until you sort out the childcare?
You might find a plea on a local FB page could come up trumps. One of my (adult) DD's has a FT job but starts/finishes early and not every weekday and does part time nannying which is what she's qualified as outside her main job. You might be able to find someone like her or pick up a nanny share on the day you need it.
Obviously never rely on mum ever again for regular reliable childcare (sadly)
I hope you find something very soon

She's not reliable so you just need to roll with it for now but get a nursery place asap and if she doesn't like it, you explain kindly that your job requires you to be reliable and that means you need failsafe childcare.

I’d explain to her that she begged you not to take the last space at nursery, she is leaving you high and dry each week and you can’t get cover at 2/3 days notice. It’s been so unfair, if you taken the space you’d have used it more than not

get onto childcare.co.U.K. And find someone who can plug the gap

pyt Childs name down for September and if grandma wants to babysit she can, you’ll take D.C. out of nursery - by the sounds of it it’ll happen rarely anyway

Presumably an early years education / childcare student at college.

You can not rely on her, so don't!

Is there space at nursery on another day ( Fridays are usually quieter) and if so could your DH swap his day off?

we asked if they had any space at all any other day and they said no, apparently there’s been a boom In people needing spaces that they’ve been turning lots of people away

I think putting a post on local Facebook pages for a childcare student one day a week is a good idea. If you're wfh it's not like you're relying on them to look after two children completely independently.

What about looking for childminders further out or near your or your DHs work?

We’ve already put a few posts on all the local neighbourhood groups for any childminder/ babysitter/ nanny for that day and nothing :(

We’re only in the office once a week max and not on a Fri. DH can’t move his lieu day either. Appreciate the suggestions though!

Could you use annual leave days for one day a week until July?

both kids are on the list for Friday from September but it’s trying to make it work for the interim. My mum has promised to not cancel anymore but let’s see how long that lasts and we’re on a cancellation list for Friday for nursery (fingers crossed)

Problem is I need it for the 6 weeks summer hols and then half term and Xmas. It wouldn’t be so bad if DM said a week in advance she couldn’t do the next Friday and then we could book it off but as I asked my boss for condensed hrs and it was rejected I don’t think it would get approved for annual leave to mimic condensed hrs

If you can wfh can you take this kids there and work from there? So less driving back and forth (or could arrive the night before)

probably not sustainable long term.

also, talk to your work again. Explain that your childcare has fallen through your husband has condescend his hours, can you also condense to 4 days at least until September?

it would be doable in most jobs. Worth asking again.

@pumpkinspicedcaffeine do you use tax free childcare for the youngest? Could you add some extra each month to allow you to cover some of the holidays for the eldest so you can use A/L now and nursery for some of the holidays?

Have you been blunt with your mum? Have you said "mum, I turned down other childcare opportunities so you could look after them because you wanted to. I can't do this job without childcare and there is now nothing available. If you don't fit what you insisted you wanted to do then I will lose this job, and I will find it hard to forgive you after you insisted. It feels like you are deliberately sabotaging my career and I'm really confused, hurt and angry"

Because if you haven't, you need to add soon as possible.

If my mum did this (, she wouldn't) I'd be livid.

Sorry I don’t quite understand, we used TF childcare for both yeah, but I’ve tried to get my youngest an additional place at nursery too but they don’t have it for him either. If that’s what you mean?

See I asked DM about this and she wasn’t keen on having them at her house as it’s not baby proofed and is difficult to baby proof/ make safe. But it may come to that, the problem was she was letting us know as late as 7/8pm that she wouldn’t be up by that time the kids are in bed, nightmare

i definitely can’t condense my hrs now, it was a take it or leave it offer, i asked when I was offered the job. I can try after probation which will definitely be extended due to all of this mayhem

When you do get childcare, I’d book it and not bother telling her. Let her keep cancelling last minute on you and then if she eventually doesn’t, you cancel on her!!

it’s not much but it’d make me feel better, after all the shit letdowns..

Ive probably been too soft because she just takes the slightest hint of criticism as a personal attack and breaks down and reminds me how much she has been suffering with the colds, and the sore knee and her age. Ive then asked her if it’s too much for her and completely understand but she needs to let me know and she gets incredibly offended. You can’t say anything to her. In hindsight I should’ve known she’d be like this

@pumpkinspicedcaffeine I mean add some extra money into the account so you can pay for them to attend in the school holidays, when they do have space (nurseries are always quieter in the holidays), meaning you can use your annual leave when you need to cover your DM not doing childcare, and not on school holidays.

What would she do if you just turned up with the kids and said you need to do this or you will lose your job?
She is being extremely rude and I wouldn't be very soft with her from now on and I don't think I'd be that bothered about upsetting her.

What do you think the problem is with your mum?

Has she always been flaky or unlikely to put herself out or has health anxiety or drinks too much or…?

Can your DH bear the brunt of the shit childcare situation? Can he ask for unpaid carer’s leave or a temporary change in hours/days etc? Has he been as inconvenienced as you?